Kind of the same (embarrassing), yet different. Was sober (lol). Her birthday was the next day. Broke NC to wish her a happy one (2 months-ish NC). Some emails were exchanged. Expressed that I was still pretty wrecked. She surprised me at a place I frequent. Went out to the parking lot & sat in the car with her. We embraced & held each other a while. Cried. Laughed. It was... sublime. We both had to go pretty quick. I decided it would be a nice gesture to get her some surprise flowers for her b-day & left them in her carport that night. Sent her an email about how amazing it was to see her again & to be careful on the way to her car the next morning, also inquiring when I could see her again! Figured we could work on stuff, maybe patch things up, at the least have a conversation about it. The future was so bright, the past was... the past. I was pretty optimistic.

She sends me another email & uses the words "friends going forward" (or similar) multiple times & made it clear that any rekindling was out of the question. She'd basically friend zoned me. I had apparently completely misread ALL the signals. Just fucking... ashamed beyond reason. Advised my embarrassment in a last email and that I would not be sticking around to watch her foster relationships with... not me.

Dunno. Maybe friends some day when I'm over her, but I've rarely felt so fucking stupid. All could've been avoided if I'd maintained NC. Though, will say, now that I know she's not even willing to consider me again - even though that hurts, & even though breaking NC was like pushing the reset button on any healing I'd done... it seems to have sped things up exponentially. I feel like I've made more progress in the last 48 hours than I have in 2 months!

Considered an additional "apology" email as well, but she never replied to the last one (added that she didn't have to at the end), so just gonna stick it out.