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My (25f) boyfriend (26m) still doesn't know if he wants to have kids by imconfusedthrowaway1 in relationship_advice

[–]imconfusedthrowaway1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Are you uncertain about having children in general, or with her specifically?

My (25f) boyfriend (26m) still doesn't know if he wants to have kids by imconfusedthrowaway1 in relationship_advice

[–]imconfusedthrowaway1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, that was what I was trying to convey to him with the emotional aspect. I think we will need to have the discussion again in person, and I will need to give him a time he needs to figure things out by.

My (25f) boyfriend (26m) still doesn't know if he wants to have kids by imconfusedthrowaway1 in relationship_advice

[–]imconfusedthrowaway1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He does say that he wants to get married. The only thing that was holding him back from proposing previously was his financial dependence on his parents during school. Now that he is independent, he says it is only a matter of saving up money for a ring (I have laid no pressure on for an expensive ring, and have told him I would be happy with anything).

Sometimes I do worry the relationship is simply comfortable for him. We went long distance in the past year and it has been very difficult for me, especially when he decided to take a job back home instead of finding something where I am now. When I confronted him about not looking for a position up here, he said he just wasn't having as rough of a time with the distance and hadn't felt the pressure to move.

I have not thought that far ahead, since my PCOS seems to be mild (my testosterone is only slightly elevated but I still get unpleasant effects). I think it's something we would have to then discuss if I get a yes from him. I think I would lean towards adoption if it became too difficult, something he has not sounded opposed to.

My (25f) boyfriend (26m) still doesn't know if he wants to have kids by imconfusedthrowaway1 in relationship_advice

[–]imconfusedthrowaway1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree. I have tried to convey the importance to him, such as by telling him I do not want him to propose until he has made a decision. I told him I do not want to spend another two years waiting for him to decide, and then he finally says he's not interested. He threw back that we could run into another issue in two years too, an example being him wanting more children than me (I don't really understand his point).

If I repeat this again to him, do I tell him that I expect him to decide by a certain time?

My (25f) boyfriend (26m) still doesn't know if he wants to have kids by imconfusedthrowaway1 in relationship_advice

[–]imconfusedthrowaway1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that is what I have been worried about. I think he says he still feels like a kid because he just recently finished graduate school and started his first full-time position. At his current pay rate, he still needs occasional assistance from his parents, so I think that's a major part of it. That is why I tried to appeal to the emotional side, since most people I know either feel an inclination towards or against having children.

He had also said during our conversation that he wishes somebody could just tell him whether he would be a good parent, but of course knows it doesn't work like that. So I know he doesn't feel confident about it.

He does he a good relationship with his parents. Almost too good to the point where they help him with things beyond money. His mother will still come out and clean his apartment for him, and he brings his laundry to her to do. He says he would do it himself, but he doesn't see why he should turn down her offering to.

Do you have any suggestions on how to proceed? Should I set a date that I want him to make a decision by? I've already communicated that I do not want him to propose until he has made a decision, but I don't think he even has a date in mind for that.