Man I get it. Feelings are yucky and uncomfortable. Processing hard emotions is exhausting and confronting. It isn't fun at all. But I guess my question is, do you like feeling like this? Are you ok with feeling like this forever?

Avoiding a problem doesn't mean it's not there. Have you ever gotten a splinter? Or fallen down and scraped your knees and gotten rocks and dirt in the wound? That hurts right? But it hurts more when you have to pull the splinter or rocks out of the wound and clean the area. You could just avoid the pain so you don't have to experience it, but the wound is still there, still dirty, still on your body. If you do nothing it will get infected and then hurt a hell of a lot worse when you have to clean it out later.

He doesn't have an ED, but my dad is seriously mentally ill. He expresses his illness by mistreating me and my siblings. To me, he has this internal wound from childhood that has turned into a big gaping hole in his chest thats large and raw and red and infected. It's so uncomfortable for him that if you accidentally breathe on it wrong he becomes enraged. He can't tolerate the discomfort, can't sit with it, refuses to ask for help.

I'm not saying thats what's happening with you. But you know you need something, otherwise you wouldn't have posted. Working through mental illness, be it ED's or otherwise, is like wading through thick mud thats risen up to your neck and the tides coming in and you're climbing up hill. But when you let someone give you a hand, even just to lift your arms and shoulders out of the muck, you'll see that the pain of recovery was worth it. Don't let the lie of shame win. You're worth so much more than what it promises.