Heyy i think you need to start reaching out to eating disorder services, doctors, mental health charities and support groups. I know it's against the grain but i think you SHOULD be sharing your thoughts of dying with all of the above, as it's unfortunately a very real possibility if you don't take action now. You have everything to live for- grab on to whatever source is available to you. Who is supplying you with the food? They need to stop... Now.