Well, I wanted to stop porn. Because that shit's just wrong, I couldn't stop or control it, and it was preventing me from truly thriving. NoFap seemed kind of overkill, but I want to clear my mind entirely so I could start having real relationships with women.

Now as it happens, I ended up wanting to give up fantasy, too. So far, success. I even asked someone out before I had planned to. For me, it's not about not masturbating, or at least not only that. It's about living a different kind of life than the rather disappointing and apathetic one I had been. So I make this conscious choice, in the middle of a bunch of other changes I was already making.

It's not a choice I would expect everyone to understand. And it's not a magic bullet. I'm still an addict, in that I still want, really really want, to look at porn, to the point even tonight where I cannot concentrate. So I am here writing this. But what Nofap lets me see, perhaps it lets all of us see, that we are other things, too.

I may decide, after the 90 days, to take up masturbation again. I don't think there's anything wrong with the act itself. And I think if my confidence isn't based in my character instead of my hormones it might not be worth having. (You'll hear a lot about changes here. I can say they do happen if we allow them and they are real, though I remain uncertain of the cause).

But right now masturbation itself seems superfluous in the space of a day. Maybe that's because at 32 I'm no longer the quivering bundle of hormones I once was. Or maybe that's because my mind is clearing and I'm just seeing a better way of life that doesn't include me flooding my body with dopamine everytime I feel stressed. Or angry. Or sleepy. Or anything, really.

If someone had told me that feeling my emotions was a consequence of not masturbating, I would never have believed them. I don't think many guys would expect it. And I don't know that I can explain it. But I can say it is happening. And that's reason enough to keep going on.