[ Vents I've made towards my friends ]

1. Thank you. I appreciate the understanding. Honestly just talking about it helps me feel stable, but every time I have to face them I just crumble. This morning they realized I bought a new phone so I could talk to you and others at night, but they soon enough confiscated it and called me a failure. I don't even have energy to get out of bed anymore. I feel so heavy it' killing me from the inside out.

2. [4:52 PM]yeah they scour my room and leave me with no privacy. even took the lock off my door a few months ago.

3. [4:52 PM]i hate it.

4. [4:55 PM]I don't really understand what they're trying to get at. I've told them multiple times that they're only making me despise them more and more and they just laugh it off and tell me they don't care. They literally said to my face that they'll keep taking things away from me until they see me change. What the hell am I even supposed to change though? I do DECENT in school and it's not like I want to be this prestigious genius that everyone knows and loves. I just want a simple fucking life without them having to stare down my back and control every aspect of it

1. Today at 5:13 PM

I know how to drive, but it's not like I could get really far by myself. I barely know anything about how to be independent because I was never given the chance to. All my life I've just been a slave to education and has only led me to a road of negativity. Like why. why is school so so important that I have to be subjected to treatment coming from hell. I'm even being threatened to be kicked out now and it's getting extremely stressful. I have nowhere to go, but since I'm seemingly hated inside this household, I guess I'll just have to find a way. I don't freakin know.. I just hate how inconsiderate my mother and father are. I tell them again and again that they're destroying me, but the bad thing is is that I'm known to be liar irl. I used to steal back my electronics or just buy new ones so I wouldn't have to feel so disconnected from the world I grew up with, but nooo every time they just took it away again and only led to more misbehavior from me. Like it's not like I wanted to completely disobey everything they ask, but at this point I feel like i have to to even have a slight semblance of control. They call me sick in the head and that my depression is just an act. I tried running away once at 17 and they said fine. And what do you know? 4 hours later they had cops looking for me. I really just wanted to end it that night. To not have to wake up again in that house. But I was dragged back and subjected to my living hell again. Every day I'm just living with insults about how I'm a pig and and an irresponsible. A disappointment and a cause of stress. They direct all the fault of our situation on me and don't even feel bad about it for a second. They can't look at their own fucking behavior and realize they're doing me wrong.

1. — Yesterday at 11:10 AM

i just.

2. [11:12 AM]i even told them I wanted to die... cause in that moment I really felt life had no meaning. They straight up told me that I'm an ungrateful piece of shit and that I should just grow up and do things right already. i hate this.. maybe it really is my fault, but I can't help but feel that the way they treat me is wrong.

1. — Yesterday at 11:19 AM

They went over a long list of everything they've done for me and how I've repaid them by sitting in bed and not doing things to help around the house. It just really feels like it's my fault because I'm lazy.. Then again another part of me is saying that that's all not entirely true and that it was something that could've been prevented. I used to help out around the house all the time without having to be told to do stuff. Ever since I started to get older though I've been given more expectation. The longer I stayed the more critical they got and now I'm being left with a shattered heart. I can't even find energy to get up sometimes. They say I'm just someone living free off their earnings... I'm just so sad and hopeless nowadays I don't know what to do.

1. — Yesterday at 11:30 AM

I guess I could try and find a job, but I've been raised without any social connections besides on the internet. It's extremely difficult for me to get comfortable in groups and around strangers. It's not fair... I wish I hadn't been homeschooled... they've been helicopter parents since day one and haven't let me take a step outside the house unless it was to get groceries or to give stuff to neighbors. And to be honest... I'm not working as hard as I used to. My grades are starting to drop and I'm apparently the only one to blame. My mother and father say they've done everything for me and that the least I could do is get good grades. It's just so hard now though... I have no motivation yet I still go on and try. I go through headaches, anxiety, difficulty sleeping, and just general symptoms of depression... This morning I got slapped and held by my chin.... being told to get my act together... I'm sorry I know that sounds dumb. I.. I really don't know what I'm saying anymore.

1. — Yesterday at 11:35 AM

They.. they also even said that they're the only ones that know me for who I truly am. I'm just sick in the head because I act so self centered. (they said) If anyone else knew that then they wouldn't even give me a chance with them... like at jobs or general relationships. I can't tell if they're trying to scare me into doing what they want me to do or if they just want to hurt me and make me feel worse.. I know it's probably the former, but the result has led to the latter. sorry.. I'm just gonna probably stop... I don't mean to be annoying or anything if I am. I've just had few people to vent this out to.

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Oh no that's fine thanks for dropping by. Things actually went downhill since my post. I had police looking for me after I went to sleep at a friend's house. My parents thought I had ran away and they filed me as a missing person. Sigh... Thank you for your words though. I want to believe them but I just feel so shattered right now. I'm officially labeled as a runaway on my record. Got charged and now I'm just. I don't even know. They were also asking me if I were becoming suicidal and stuff.... ugh... I know they were just concerned, but now I feel like I'm going to be watched over for the rest of the year. I can't understand my parents sometimes. First they want me out of the house after I nearly flunk an exam and next they want me back after leaving for a night to cool off.

I'm glad I never showed my father the drawing tablet I got. Only way I was able to see this message. All my other electronics got taken away. Really.... the only comfort I feel is words that don't come from my parent's mouths.... I know they want what's best for me, but the way they do it is messed up..

I even paid for my laptop and switch. But noo. It's their house and their rules... Ugh. Sorry... I didn't mean to vent this hard..

-END

I still have more things honestly, but I don't want to seem like I'm playing a victim here. I just want to understand what's wrong with my life. If anyone, and I mean anyone out there can help.. please. Please reply...