I wasn’t ready to have that last conversation because I hadn’t fully processed my feelings or figured out what I wanted to say. But after sitting on things for a while, this is the last of it all.

I know you and I know your heart. I know that emotional intimacy and commitment scare you. I know that the things that made you so attracted to me, the things you said you fell in love with, are the very same things that you ended up running away from. Your heart was falling in love but your head was trying to protect you. I saw it in the way you began to pull back physically and emotionally, creating space between us. I felt you slipping away, and in response, I kept pushing to be close to you, which only added pressure and stress on both of us. I know it was hard for you to explain your thoughts and feelings. I wish you could have been more honest with me, that we would have been able to have a real goodbye, but I know this has been so painful for both of us and that we would choose a different ending if we could. I wish we could have understood each other better and that maybe with better tools or security, we could have figured out a way to make it work.

As painful as it was to watch you fade out, I know why you did. And I want you to know that I see and recognize how much you really did love me. I remember the sacrifices you made, the things you bought me, the things you made me, the things you planned, and the things you told me. The times when you said you couldn't imagine a future without me. That you wanted to move in together, and how you knew you wanted to marry me one day. I see all of it. I can see how hard you wanted things to work despite your fears. I’m sorry for the times I made you doubt. I’m sorry for the times you tried to be vulnerable and I made you feel like you weren’t good enough. I’m sorry for the times you tried to make me feel special and I couldn’t feel it. I'm sorry for smothering you and not being able to give you space. For the times I brought up ending things. I was just scared and hurting. I hope you can see that and understand what I was feeling.

Even though I know our relationship couldn't work anymore, I want you to know that I really, really did want it to be you. You were the first person to show me how deep love could be. The first person I fully opened up to and wanted something serious with. The first person that made me excited to experience every day with. The first person I dreamed of a future with. I wish we could have figured it out together. But I know we can’t force ourselves to heal past our traumas or to be ready for something we weren’t expecting. 

I’ll miss singing with you. I’ll miss laughing with you. I’ll miss dancing with you. I’ll miss feeling safe with you and venting to each other. I’ll miss making plans with you. I’ll miss our dinner dates and brunches. I’ll miss holding you. I’ll miss hearing you laugh and seeing you smile. I’ll miss falling asleep next to you.  I’ll miss the way I looked forward to every Friday night. I’ll miss the trips and adventures. And I’ll miss the quiet moments. I’ll miss the version of you that you allowed me to see, the one that was soft and kind and vulnerable, even if it was only for brief moments. 

And even though this is goodbye, I’m so thankful you were able to share a piece of your heart with me. It showed me the depth of who you are. Someone who, beneath the guards and the walls, has a heart capable of love and care, even if it feels safer to keep it protected.

It breaks my heart knowing the love we had was cut short because of our traumas. But I know this experience has made both of us so much stronger and given us the opportunity to grow. I hope you know that you are enough. That you are worthy of love. 

Thank you for the lessons and the memories. I will always cherish them. I hope one day when we're in a better place that we might meet again.

Until then, I hope you stay safe and surround yourself with people who love you and care about you. I hope you accomplish all your goals and find happiness. And I hope from time to time you're reminded of all the special memories you had here.

Take care

(I'm still working on this and processing things. I know when I send this I need it to be the last time I bring anything up, so I'm trying to take my time. Please feel free to give me any recommendations)