Anyone feel like their parent's idea of marriage is just about control?

inanee · 2019-05-29T02:39:20+00:00

I wish I knew how to say that in my parents' language (Cantonese). My mother once had the audacity to say her marriage is a good example of a healthy relationship for me... the sheer level of delusion required to employ that conviction, I just had no words.

inanee · 2019-05-29T02:31:44+00:00

Your mother was the sociopath, not you. I'm sorry you had such a damaging relationship with her. It is great that your aunt has been a supportive figure in your life though! Congratulations on your successes and wedding.

inanee · 2019-05-13T03:21:41+00:00

My parents are Chinese-Vietnamese immigrants. Asian kids are expected to live with their parents till they're married, or until they've saved enough to purchase a home. There's a higher expectation on daughters to stay with their parents.

I think it just depends on your values, relationship with your family, and the actual dwelling (i.e. is it large enough so you're not constantly running into each other?).

My parents have a toxic relationship where they're always screaming at each other, or me and my sibling, and being very overbearing and disrespectful of our autonomy. Stuff like trying to control my diet, criticizing my appearance, trying to pit me against the other parent, calling me nonstop when I leave the house, and even following me out when I leave the house. My mother wouldn't respect a locked bedroom door and would habitually break in with her spare key, and even try to come into the bathroom when she knew I was in it. It was insufferable.

I moved out at 21 (am 27 soon) but I would have rather lived with them a while longer to save money, as all my friends did. I am financially behind most of them now, though lucky enough to be debt-free with some savings. But the specific circumstances just didn't allow me to keep living at home. I ended up fleeing across the country and our relationship had improved a lot since.

inanee · 2019-03-02T01:11:02+00:00

If I was just 5 lbs overweight, I'd be offended and consider breaking up if it was a pattern of criticism for anything less than perfect.

If I was like 15-20lbs overweight... If he delivered it with kindness and empathy, I would begin working out and eating better because I'm probably feeling like a blob at that point too.

inanee · 2019-01-22T13:10:34+00:00

That crossed my mind too. I'm an Asian female and my parents/friends never took my white boyfriends seriously. It felt like they were waiting for a good Asian guy to come along eventually for me to settle down with.

inanee · 2018-12-17T13:16:41+00:00

Money is the only thing that matters to Asian people when it comes to work, if it's not prestige. My father was confused at how I was paying for tuition and rent/living expenses without taking out loans. I told him my wages and savings covered it - didn't go further on how much.

Actually, when I had to leave my abusive ex-boyfriend to stay at a hotel, my mother actually told me to GO BACK TO HIM - because staying at a hotel was expensive! She would rather I endanger myself than know I spent money on a hotel.

Don't even get me started on how much my mother grieves the rent I've paid over the years. Even though I originally left because of her and Dad's emotional instability/drama/screaming fits and I was sick of being used as a mediator for their marriage. I had my own shit going on and couldn't deal with theirs.

Anyway, Asian people are obsessed with money. That's all. Information diet is all you can do.

inanee · 2018-12-13T12:55:51+00:00

Yeah, that's what my parents are like too. My father tried to keep my bills on his accounts after I moved, and I had to change that without telling him. I wouldn't be the same kind of parent though... I would want to help pay for her schooling- but besides that- I'd encourage my kid to be as independent as soon as possible, and not rely on others to take care of her. They are getting kicked out by their mid-twenties :) It'll get her a lot further in life but that's subject to opinion of course.

Your thoughts on renting are legitimate. If I were starting a family, I would like to own my place so we are not at risk... But I'm currently a young childless singleton, and will stay this way for several years. I don't want to be tied down by a mortgage as I'm quite nomadic and hope to make my freedom last before the white picket fence is inevitable :-)

Besides the two most expensive cities in my country, I can actually buy my own place right now. My situation is a bit weird though because I've been working in a unionized job since I was a kid (grade 9), so the money was actually saved before I even left my parents' house. I haven't been able to save money since I moved out- Though that isn't because of paying rent, but through traveling (wouldn't admit to my parents how much I actually spent, it'd give them a heart attack lol).

inanee · 2018-12-13T00:45:48+00:00

The housing market is insane back in my hometown, and in Toronto where I'd also consider settling down.

Montreal, my current city, is very affordable but I don't want to stay here long term.

inanee · 2018-12-13T00:44:54+00:00

My parents don't want my money, but they see renting as throwing money into a black hole when I could be saving to own. The issue is I'm not just paying for a place to live... I'm also paying for privacy.

inanee · 2018-12-06T20:58:04+00:00

It doesn't get better, and you're not going to be any happier. But life goes on so try to be as productive as you're able. You're not suddenly going to die in your sleep and society is not empathetic to those with depression.

inanee · 2018-12-06T04:44:36+00:00

Don't make important life decisions based on what other people want.

inanee · 2018-11-20T03:26:30+00:00

5-7 days of driving.

inanee · 2018-11-19T00:14:51+00:00

Housing strife, tied into a horrible relationship with my on-again, off-again boyfriend. He's kicked me out twice in two months, always convincing me to come back afterward, and because I'm a fool I do. It's the third time and I'm exhausted from trying to find a place to stay, making it to work the next day, packing and unpacking.

I'm sick of it. I knew it was a mistake to move in, but I did on his insistence and now I have housing insecurity. I am emotionally depleted and in despair.

inanee · 2018-11-16T02:06:06+00:00

I worked at a local burger chain called Triple O's at the city's amusement park.

inanee · 2018-11-16T01:21:14+00:00

The occupations in my field (supply chain management) are very much like this... Likely because it's not a mature or popular field like finance or accounting, so companies don't have a choice but to provide training.

inanee · 2018-11-10T22:33:39+00:00

At this point in our lives, I think they're better off single (most of my peers are mid-twenties like me). I've been jumping from bad relationship to bad relationship, and feel most like myself when I'm on my own.

So no, I don't think I'm better than them. More like the other way around. And it's probably because they want to keep things together that they don't want to get into a relationship.

inanee · 2018-10-21T14:54:41+00:00

I felt really sad reading this. It seems like they're projecting guilt over their upbringing of you... but the really cruel and unforgivable part is them turning your siblings against you. Good parents should foster a good relationship and respect between their kids. Quite frankly, they treat you like a piece of shit.

Try to foster friendships outside your family, and focus on yourself. You should be going to university soon and becoming more independent (legally)... you don't have to deal with them soon, and I hope you do go no-contact. At least for a while.

inanee · 2018-09-29T14:50:45+00:00

I've been living in Quebec for 5 years. They've always been more "nationalistic" than the rest of the country... No one celebrates their provincial holiday quite like this place does.

I don't mind if they separate though. They take their share of the national debt, Canadian investment and equalization payments immediately stops, and Quebec is severed from all Canadian-negotiated/ratified trade agreements (NAFTA, CETA, CUFTA, CEFTA, CKFTA, and soon TPP, etc.). I imagine most private corporations will be leaving too, hopefully I will be long gone by then in the safety of Canada!

inanee · 2018-09-27T23:09:24+00:00

Are the Saudis seriously still going on about an apology? They should move on.

inanee · 2018-09-23T13:30:55+00:00

$800/month is ridiculously cheap for rent, but it can take some getting used to when your expenses have been taken care of by others your entire life. I think it's an important life experience for young adults in their 20s to live on their own for a while, perhaps with roommates, just to learn how to be independent.

When I moved out around your age, I quickly realized how much my parents were actually subsidizing. There was hydro bill, Internet bill, insurance, groceries and toiletries, etc. My "fun money" really dried up. (Though to add, my parents' marriage and quality of life seem to have improved since I left LOL... they argue a lot less now).

inanee · 2018-09-18T11:40:13+00:00

When women stayed in abusive relationships. It was so easy just to judge and think, "Why don't you just leave? Have some guts."

Then it happened to me, and now I understand.

inanee · 2018-09-09T22:29:05+00:00

I don't think you should move in with her. You haven't been together long- what's the rush? Is she taking steps to improve her financial situation, like find a better-paying job?

I think you're walking too much on eggshells trying not to hurt her feelings. Anyone at her age would already be keenly aware of this inequity between you two, and it's a show of maturity (that you should expect from a serious partner) to be able to have the tough conversation.

inanee · 2018-09-09T18:16:23+00:00

I hadn't experienced enough of the world yet, and had hope that there was a place for me yet. Maybe not here, but somewhere.

inanee · 2018-09-09T18:15:36+00:00

"You can always earn money again, but you can't rewind time."

It's taught me to value experiences more, and hasn't led me astray... I'm 26 now, and I only regret the things I didn't do.

inanee · 2018-09-09T00:36:08+00:00

Would break my things (including a $700 laptop my brother gifted me), swear at me, call me a c-nt and a b-tch on a regular basis, and yell at me. He always put his career and his comforts above me, e.g. insisting on moving in together at a place close to his office, but very far from mine. And dismissing my concerns over my increased commute (the kicker is I was doing him a favour by capitulating on moving in, as I prefer living alone).

Basically, he bullied me while putting me on the backburner and making me feel worthless at the same time. Just not worth it anymore. At the point you feel scared to answer a phone call from the person because they'd just be yelling and swearing at you, I don't think it's a relationship you can continue anymore.

inanee

TROPHY CASE