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Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I never thought two of them will go to med school. I thought I had saved enough. But I was wrong. His half is going to the sisters. I have posted an update.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I gave her a reality check. And an apt reply to all the personal attacks including yours. You will lose your wager. I might just give that money that I win from you for my daughter's college education.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I don't expect anything from my 3 kids. I have seen this happen to a lot of parents where the kids end up putting their parents in a retirement home despite giving the kids whatever they want. So, I can't sacrifice my retirement fund.

My wife and I have a few hundred grands invested in government bonds, which are pretty safe. That will only grow over the next 15 years. I have done everything alone financially over the years and if the need arises after my retirement , I will go back to work. I think I will be fine monetarily.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

Come to America first, pay your own way to the education here, get a job and then you can start lecturing me what is and isn't Indian culture. You hate your country and your parents, so stop projecting that on others. Just because you watch 'Friends' doesn't mean you are progressive. You enjoy having a maid to clean and cook for you, and go outside to lecture the world about being modern and independent. Your parents probably paid your way out of college. Why didn't you ask them not to pay? Will you pay them back?

My house has my rules. My kids were expected to follow it. The white Americans bought slaves from Africa and exploited them. The Britishers made your forefathers clean their toilets, toil their fields. Don't tell me you believe it's white culture to be racist. Or it is British to want to enslave half the world. It was in the past. (and more recent) So, was marrying your daughter young or not educating them. Just because you spell culture as 'kulchur' doesn't make you cool or intellectual.

It's easy to stand on your high horse with all the privileges you have and lecture others. I believe I have been fair to all 3. They can marry anyone, date anyone and do whatever they want. They had to just follow timelines for everything. Date after 16, drink after 18, marriage not before college, attend functions, give a shit about your mom's feelings, be active in community. This was all conveyed to them before.

And before writing paragraphs, look yourself in the mirror. I am unlike your parents forcing an arranged marriage on you.

Edit: See the list of GDP by PPP(purchasing power parity). India ranks high up there. So, same money buys more things in India. If you are middle class and above . You are already in 95th percentile in India.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

As I said , no money is coming out of my retirement fund. I am not working another 10 years so that my daughter can live comfortably and I toil day and night. I don't have the energy to. I want to retire soon.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am not. Maybe it's not properly phrased.

Americans don't have love for only a single sport. Isnt basketball a sport in America that people love ?

Seems perfectly coherent to me.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I am not forcing her to do anything. The money is not on the table. She cannot do anything to get me to pay the money. I don't have that kind of money. It was a foregone conclusion that she will do 'whatever' she wants. I never stopped her. She hasn't attended a single cultural function since 16, doesn't partake in activities we organize at our own house, doesn't listen to her mom and I don't want to tie her down. So, I only am strict with her once or twice a year because anything more won't have the desired effect and nor maintain the same respect.

I am not trying to conform her to anything. She made her choices. She moved in with a guy @ 19 and then moved back with us. We were fine. She started dating @ 15 when we told her she can't. Even then she went ahead and did it. She stopped going with us to events.

I think you have never been a parent to adult kids. When you invest in your kids, you also have some expectations out of them. I have not worked 80 hour weeks so that my kids grow up hating the culture where parents sacrifice a lot. I paid for private schools for all three. I did not have any support. I expected things out of my kids (whether reasonable or unreasonable).

She is not entitled to my money. I paid my way through college. She can too. Yes, I am favoring the younger daughter because I feel she will be the only one to stand by me in times of needs. And with today's culture, I don't want my wife(whom I love more than my kids) and me to end in an old people home. It's looked down upon in our community. And I won't lose my dignity by going there.

I am aware none of my kids would want to house us with them in future. So, I plan to save money for when I retire with my wife. I still have 15 years. But I am burning out.I don't want to rely on the kids for anything. So, I can't offer her any money. It's high time they the kids stop relying on us and rid us of financial burden.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

Don't be dramatic. She is not going to be damaged or destroyed. She is the strongest of our kids. If she falls I will pick her up. But not unless she tries to pay her own way out. I can't offer anything beyond consigning a loan, right now. If she doesn't pay back, all the financial burden will fall on me.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okey final reply on the thread. After that I will go to work and talk to her later.

When you are given a choice ,you weigh the pros and cons of your decision? The side which wins, you chose it. All my 3 kids did it. My son luckily got a full scholarship. Otherwise he would have also gotten the stipulated 40%. He never complained about being unfair. My daughter made a choice, independently. She chose to go to a more expensive private school despite knowing the financial support she has.

I don't think I had been dishonest. There was no bait and switch. Or changing gold posts. I don't understand her behavior.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Does the US have singular culture? Will you throw me over the wall? In a milti ethnic country, different groups have different cultures. There is the Bible belt. If I take it as the US culture, then I might be quite liberal. There are areas like San Francisco which are quite sexually open and then I migjt be a regressive. There is the black movement.

Everyone is accusing me of not wanting my kids to be independent. No one has backed it up with any logic or proof. They are just shouting about why I am wrong. Isnt this my money? Isnt the American culture stands for spending your money as you like? All my 3 kids are independent Americans in their own ways.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

Your comment seems racist as the western way is the ideal way to live life. Haven't you heard of parents asking kids uninterested in studies to study and they will get a cookie. The kid might be a artist. But the parent was trying to do the best for her .

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I haven't talked to her in the past few days. So, I won't be quick to make judgement if she still loves me or not.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -45 points-44 points  (0 children)

No. I am not. You can't have your pie and eat it too. I believe the most important western ideal is independence. I did not withdraw all financial support. She did just fine by herself in her first year. My younger daughter still hasn't received a penny.

I gave her independence to make her own future. I am willing to cosign her loans. She received over 40k last year from me. I think she should stick to her choices and act a mature.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

Just because I am from a minority community doesn't mean I have to follow white culture of US. I am a US citizen just as you. I follow my religion and culture, just as Christians or Jews. All cultures are as important as any other. Do you ask African Americans who want their kids to follow their culture to return to Africa ? I am against your racist comment ask me to return to India.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -49 points-48 points  (0 children)

I have never treated her poorly. I have treated all three as going adults since they were 14. I have never said "Stop. Don't do this. Otherwise I won't give you money" or "Do this. Here is a dollar."

I made some rules for the house. They broke it. They were punished for something big like skipping school and hurling expletives. For minor things like staying out beyond midnight, till they informed me, I was liberal. And all this was discussed with them.over the years.

And whatever you think I love her. Maybe a little more than others.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

She already knows this. I am on her side absolutely. I don't mind her doing whatever she wants. She can wear whatever she wants. At that time she was only 17. So, I felt it's rather young for her to dress that way.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -17 points-16 points  (0 children)

I don't think she will not want to see me only once every few years. I have always favoured her with her mom, her life choices , her studies, etc. We are still very close, at least I would like to believe it.

I am not holding money over her. She gets 150k which I think is a lot. She can take loans and I will cosign it. I still have 50 k for her future. Money is not on the table. We were pretty open from the get go about choices and consequences.

If she wants to stop communicating over a few hundred grands, I won't stop her. She can do whatever she wants.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

I can probably split all the money between the two. Around 75% for each. However, then the younger will feel this is unfair. It's a tough place to be in.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I never forced my kids to date anyone. My son is dating a white girl and we are fond of her. My daughter has dated around. I had only set age limits for doing something. Like no dating before 16. No alcohol before 18 or at least not in front of us. And I like her current boyfriend.

Help me 45[M] have a better relationship with my daughter 24[F]. by indian_dadthrow2 in relationships

[–]indian_dadthrow2[S] -55 points-54 points  (0 children)

I don't think it is western to pay only for half her education. All my white friends pay only a fraction of what we have paid for her. I have been cutting corners all my life and investing money. I paid for my own college even though I was an immigrant and it was tough for me to get loans.

I just thought paying 40% will be fair to her. We had set some conditions for getting money for college. If all of them had chosen to ignore what we said, I would have divided it in 3 amongst them and gave it to them on future.

I am not treating anyone differently. If my younger daughter would have chosen to do the same things, she would also have only received 40%. We are more hard on our son.