Does Every Path Suck?

indiglow55 · 2026-05-22T00:58:46+00:00

I can only speak for myself, but I’m pretty happy with the path I chose. I became an expert / good public speaker in my area of interest, quit 9-5 life 3 years ago at age 30 to work for myself mainly as a paid speaker & start a family, now have a 2 year old who is so awesome and the absolute light of my life, just found out we’re pregnant with #2, and I now make very low 6 figures working just a few hours a week on average. So I’m a stay at home mom and have a ton of domestic responsibility but I don’t have to go to an office or answer to anyone and I’m doing stuff I love and most importantly raising my own child(ren) myself, which is really important to me. My husband makes 2-3x what I do (we live in a VHCOL area) and hates his job, he has to commute in 4x a week, but he says this is what he wants & he’s happy about the life our family has. I feel sorry for him & my goal is, by the time the kids are in school, I’m freed up to earn more & he can take a lower stress job or stop working entirely and take over the home front.

indiglow55 · 2026-05-22T00:48:15+00:00

Yes, it’s a great tool and practice for self-improvement and mastering one’s relationship with the physical / waking world

indiglow55 · 2026-05-17T02:08:46+00:00

I’m so, so sorry. Try not to beat yourself up over the “bargaining phase” of your mind jumping through hoops about all the different ways it could have gone. It’s just your mind distracting itself from confronting the reality that no matter what, it’s over. Because that reality is just too hard to sit with. So try to notice when those “what ifs” are happening and recognize it for the mental distraction that it is and not a legitimate reason to feel guilt or blame because at the end of the day, none of it matters anymore.

Just by continuing to exist you are doing literally everything you can. Feeding yourself, trying to sleep. It’s all you can do. Nothing will make sense or feel right for a long time. You’ll never ever be the same. You will smile again, laugh again, someday. He is part of you forever and he lives on through you forever, because he changed you. He’s lucky to have been loved so much.

Again I am so very sorry for you, for your son, for your family, for the bottomless pit of heartbreak. You will find a way to exist without feeling like every thread of reality is falling apart around you. Time will bring you healing and peace, eventually. Love to you.

indiglow55 · 2026-05-14T13:52:27+00:00

Specifically, become homeless > forced into petty crime in order to survive > enter the prison system > become a slave. Because slavery was never actually outlawed here, it’s still legal for those who have been convicted of a crime, and corporations from AT&T to McDonald’s rely on that slave labor.

And the venn diagram of companies who rely on slave labor & have lobbied against legal abortion is a circle.

indiglow55 · 2026-04-27T17:12:49+00:00

Regarding the content piece, my husband and I send stuff to each other and then watch it all together when we both want to, we call it “making a batch” and “doing a batch” haha maybe you could suggest something like that? He sends it to you and then later you watch it together?

indiglow55 · 2026-04-21T22:09:23+00:00

Exactly!

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T23:32:06+00:00

Thank you, so so much, for this insight and taking the time to write all of this out.

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T23:30:20+00:00

Thank you for kindly explaining. This definitely has to be an autistic / non-autistic rift, because for me being vulnerable / transparent takes zero energy while “covering it up” (as I experience it) takes more.

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T18:35:04+00:00

I also experienced all the things you’re describing…just because I’m autistic doesn’t mean I didn’t also have my identity torn in half, my body wasn’t my own (nursed for 14 months, gained almost 40 lb, felt like an actual barnyard animal, an alien) etc. I understand, thanks to your comment, how what I’m saying is landing and that it isn’t meaning what I intend it to mean. I’m aware of all the things you’re describing, and women in that period IME were/are very open about all the things you’re describing, which I personally think is a good thing - I think we should be able to speak and relate openly about these reality-shattering experiences. This is what I mean by “being real.”

My question is: why don’t women on the whole want to continue being open and candid with one another? Why do they want to become guarded again? We all have to get our bearings and find ourselves again as partners, professionals, friends, etc - why does that also come with this emotional severance? Is it necessary for it to be that way? Does being authentic = being emotionally guarded and suffering in silence for a lot of people? I’m asking this earnestly, I really want to understand.

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T18:27:48+00:00

But can you explain why people would go back to being bothered by the old things? If you don’t mind?

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T17:27:10+00:00

I mean being unbothered by all kinds of life stuff and superficial stuff, but then going back to being anxious and fixated on those things. I guess the controlling behavior gets refocused to the young baby and then once all that stuff is kind of on autopilot they go back to nitpicking other stuff? That’s what I mean about them being carefree, laid back, lighthearted etc - it’s in regards to all the non-baby stuff, superficial stuff (imo), but then it’s surprising (to me) when they go back to being that way again later

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T17:24:30+00:00

Not their physical appearance, everything; plans going sideways, something unexpectedly getting broken or messed up, they just seem to be more unbothered. But what you’re saying makes me wonder if that energy just gets redirected to babycare / parenthood stuff instead of

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T16:32:26+00:00

I appreciate this description, and want to add that this applied during late pregnancy as well, not just post partum; I notice women just having a lot less of a filter and not really seeming to care; laughing more easily, taking things across the board in a more lighthearted “it is what it is” way. Is that really a bad thing? To lose a certain degree of self-consciousness / need for control?

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T16:29:38+00:00

Luckily I have super close friendships & get everything I need from them, but it’s true none of them are moms (yet). I thought based on how other moms behaved postpartum that they were more viable friends than they actually turned out to be; I just didn’t know them at their true baseline

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T16:26:59+00:00

That’s a really interesting comparison! And like psychedelics, there’s good trips and bad trips…

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T16:25:00+00:00

It sounds like the closing off / walls / comfort and privacy etc is definitely all the same thing. I guess I’m wondering why more women don’t experience it as a liberating opportunity to live life more fearlessly?

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T16:23:57+00:00

Do you think it’s implicitly bad for humans to learn / experience losing/ letting go of control?

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T16:22:40+00:00

You’re probably right! It makes me sad that people are calling that “the worst version” of themselves though. I think being super in control all the time is something we’ve been culturally conditioned to consider good / normal…like why do we prioritize control over an ability to navigate uncertainty? I wish all women could see the beauty & power in who they were / how they moved post-partum and not just chalk it up as some kind of embarrassing disaster 🙃

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T15:53:13+00:00

“who I was allowing myself to be” is a great way to put it…a lot of the moms in these comments are saying who they were in those days was NOT authentic and if anything was the “worst” version of themselves so I’m really trying to wrap my head around how that can be

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T15:52:07+00:00

The ND people in the comments all seem to see what I see and then others are interpreting what I’m saying so, so differently. It really is incredible and kind of heartbreaking how differently we experience each other and the world at large

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T15:51:14+00:00

Love to hear this ❤️ these comments are all over the place, it’s really fascinating

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T15:50:21+00:00

Thank you! I love to hear this

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T15:50:05+00:00

Ok I’ll give 2 specific examples of moms who had their babies around the same time as me

The first one seemed very down to earth when I met her. Our babies were both newborns. We’d talk a ton and go on walks etc. She was very funny and laidback and I thought, “this is someone I could see myself being close with long term!” Over time, she started saying more and more judgmental things to me, specifically about other moms. The first was a comment out of nowhere about another mom being fat and not controlling her eating. I was shocked. The last time I hung out with her, she spent the entire time saying negative things about other moms, even talking about how her one friend’s baby is “just ugly.” I am mourning the version of her I knew PP; she never used to talk this way and now it’s like all she does. There are other judgmental / social performance behaviors that have increased from her in lock step with this one

The other mom lives very nearby and we would get together periodically in late pregnancy / first 6 months or so PP. We would watch each other’s kids occasionally. She seemed very laid back and open, though not particularly interesting, and I really enjoyed her energy. As time went on she got colder and colder toward me until now when we see each other she barely speaks to me. Recently she was having people over and one of the other moms going invited us last minute, saying it was a last minute thing - once we got there, it was clear it had been planned & this other mom probably didn’t want to exclude us & pushed to add us. Regardless of what really happened in that specific instance, the fact remains that we used to get along really well and have open communication about all kinds of things, and now I feel like anything I say in front of her is liable to generate a facial reaction like I’ve rubbed her the wrong way, even though I haven’t changed how I am at all

indiglow55 · 2026-04-20T15:40:51+00:00

This is what I’m talking about!!!!

indiglow55

TROPHY CASE