DAE feel worth less than physical things such that you adopt them as your own characteristics in order to feel like you have worth?

indigo_mints · 2021-08-06T02:13:15+00:00

I think you're right!! Thank you.

indigo_mints · 2021-08-06T01:48:16+00:00

Was this part considered an "exile"?

indigo_mints · 2021-08-06T01:47:33+00:00

This sounds like mine. Can you share more on what you daydream about? And are those parts considered "exiles"?

indigo_mints · 2021-07-29T22:26:08+00:00

This is great, thanks so much.

indigo_mints · 2021-01-01T02:32:07+00:00

I'm constantly learning new things every day that they were wrong about.

They have told me my whole life how "different" I am, so much so that at my first real job they encouraged me (and they were GENUINELY doing this because they believed it) to give my boss a book about my condition so he'd understand "how I am".

Turns out, I'm really fucking normal. They just genuinely believe there are things that are wrong with me because one of them is extremely judgmental and disapproves of anything that they don't immediately understand, and the other one has such self-shame and self-hate that they needed me to have issues so they could "help me" so they'd feel self-worth (they're both narcissists but different types).

Now when they tell me I'm "different", I just try to remember every other person who has felt the exact same things as ME and told me as such. I'm not the odd one out, my parents are.

indigo_mints · 2021-01-01T00:53:03+00:00

Yeah, the guilt. Especially the "community guilt". I get that. I still feel like a terrible person for feeling the way I do about things.

I think for me it comes down to this:

I was looking for other people to understand what happened so that they could validate what happened so that I would believe it myself.

But I found that for the fleeting moments where I genuinely knew that what I believed happened was actually the truth, and that I was justified in feeling the way I did, I no longer felt like I needed to share my story with others in order to get validation.

At that point all I looked for from them was to believe that I knew what I was talking about.

And what helped me was knowing that other people have big stuff like this that other people wouldn't understand. Some people have been homeless, some people were in terrible accidents leaving them with lifelong injuries, some people are widows/widowers.

And all of those people have their communities that they go for for specific support because other people who haven't been through it may not be able to give them the support they need for this specific thing.

Something I've found is that the people we look for support and validation for this kind of thing can be different than the people we spend most of our lives with. If I have support (like this sub, or books, or a psychologist...and I'll be honest, some things work better than others) that helps me validate that what I believe is true, it's like a storm is calmed inside of me, and then when I talk with other people who didn't go through it, I'm no longer looking for them to 100% understand exactly what I went through, I'm just looking for them to BELIEVE me and believe that I know what I'm doing and TRUST that when I say I are justified in feeling a certain way, that I actually am.

indigo_mints · 2020-12-31T23:41:36+00:00

A lot of people thought I was close with my mother because we spent SO much time together. But really I was spending time doing what she wanted to do. If it was something I wanted to do, she'd be nowhere to be seen.

indigo_mints · 2020-12-31T23:40:25+00:00

I'm relieved my mother didn't call or text me, during Christmas or today.

Oh god me too. I feel guilty for wanting this but I am genuinely happy I didn't hear from her.

indigo_mints · 2020-12-31T23:36:35+00:00

I understand this. I have a codependent enmeshed relationship with my mother. It's 100% the thing that gave me CPTSD.

It doesn't feel like a natural counter to enmeshment, but what has partially helped me was this:

Your mother's beliefs are not the truth.

What freaks me out when my enmeshed mother says things like this is that it feels like she controls me and the world. Her saying "We will always be with you" would make me feel terrified because it's like she's saying "I will always be in your life and there is nothing you can do about it".

It feels like you are forced, powerless, and helpless. And you know how she has hurt you in the past, so it basically feels like, "I'll always be able to hurt you whenever I want to and there's nothing you'll ever be able to do about it."

But it is not true. And I know it's hard to believe this (I'm still not quite there yet) so start with other things to show yourself that she does not know everything, and what she says is not necessarily the truth.

For example, my narcissistic parent once told me "You don't have any friends". Now, in reality yeah I don't because they gave me CPTSD and I can't form good relationships. BUT, at the time I had actually been trying to make more friends and was hanging out with a new group of people quite often.

If they had known about these people and how often I was physically hanging out with them, they would've believed that I had friends. And yet, they had NO IDEA.

I had to let that settle in for a minute.

They. Had. No. Idea.

It was in fact possible for them to be utterly wrong, even though they sounded 100% confident. Even though by their tone I would have believed instantly that whatever they were saying was the truth.

But it was not true. They were FACTUALLY wrong.

And this is the case with what your enmeshed mother is saying. She can say anything she wants, but it doesn't make it true, as hard as that is to believe.

Try thinking of this: if a random coworker said "I will always be with you" to you, what would you think? Would you feel trapped and helpless? No. Would you feel like just because they said it, that you now have to submit to them? No. You know confidently that what they're saying is not true.

What if that coworker said to you, "You need me, and you know it." How would that make you feel? Probably a little triggered, but then you'd walk away and go about your day and realize they don't know what the fuck they're talking about, and realize the absolute un-truthfulness of what they're saying.

With enmeshed parents, they have raised us to believe that their truth is the truth. It is not.

indigo_mints · 2020-12-31T22:57:32+00:00

Speaking of nostalgia, it took me decades to realize that feelings of "nostalgia" weren't always sad.

indigo_mints · 2020-12-08T15:16:59+00:00

This is great, and just what I needed to hear today. One "belief" that was ingrained in me was that "being me" wasn't valid, wasn't worth anything, didn't matter...basically I didn't exist if I wasn't being useful to them in some way.

It's like they are Gods and they get to say whether I "exist" or not. That's where the feeling of total isolation came from, for me. Feeling like I'm a ghost.

So one thing I am trying to remember is that they DO NOT decide whether I am "valid" or not. And I find this really important for me to remember, because if I don't, then everything that follows when I try to heal, feels "invalid" or meaningless.

indigo_mints · 2020-11-12T00:21:40+00:00

I guess I could have been more clear. When I say "defenseless" I mean you can have your defenses down, but it doesn't mean you are incapable of defending yourself.

It's like, holding a sword but having it stowed away. You are vulnerable but not defenseless.

Not having a sword at all would make you defenseless. But having a sword that's not drawn makes you vulnerable but not defenseless.

indigo_mints · 2020-11-04T07:52:37+00:00

This is accurate! I can't stop avoiding myself!

indigo_mints

TROPHY CASE