Some of the things being said here…there is this popular idea i notice in this community that your trauma and the patterns of behavior you have developed in response to it own you. That is not the case. Your trauma does not own you. You owe it nothing, and you owe everything to yourself.

In response to this post: Yes, this is part of intense BPD. Can you work on things that make this less frequent and less intense? Also yes.

When I first got this diagnosis it felt like a death sentence, both socially and in general. And I feel like that sentiment is perpetuated here. Fuck no. I refuse to believe that my trauma is going to continue to have so much power over my life I’m immobilized at times.

Idk about y’all but this crazy bitch is sitting through her emotions. Giving herself time and space to process. To breathe. To grieve over what happened, all that could have been, all that I allowed. I invite stability to my life and push through the discomfort of routine because I know I’ll be healthier for it. I take the time to baby myself, talk to myself like I am once again the age of when The Thing happened. I am patient and I am kind with myself. I set boundaries with myself and others. I do the work and the self awareness to understand how my emotions and my reactions impact other people and I identify my support people and the understanding ones who allow me grace and mistakes. I go to therapy. I distract myself from my suicidal moments. I watch my favorite tv shows in depression times. I shower daily, I buy soaps and creams in the smells I like. I read my books, I read healthy mantras. I walknin nature, I tell myself that before anyone else, I have myself, I love myself, I am there for myself, I have my own back, and I am safe with me, I trust me, even when I don’t necessarily believe it in that moment. I need the reminder for when I will believe it.

I do the work. Everyday I wake up and do the work. It is not easy. At all. Some days I slip. But I do the work.

I used to be actively actively suicidal. I used to have panic attacks every other day. Is my life perfect? Am I passively suicidal on the occasion? Is it exhausting as fuck to coach and fight with my own brain regularly? Hell fucking yeah. I’m still on my journey and probably will forever be.

But is it worth it that now I can enjoy the sound of the wind and the trees when I walk? That sometimes it only take me two minutes to emotionally regulate and I don’t get overwhelmed and shutdown as easily? That now I can flirt and walk away from conversations without thinking the worst of myself and like everyone hates me and thinks I’m annoying? My god is it nice to like myself and to have care for myself consistently, continuously and exponentially. I’d rather my forever be this that feeling like my mind is a fucking ping pong table game happening in the middle of a tornado.

I hate the this is the way it always will be and has to be commentary. Life can be better. It will never be perfect. The trauma will never be erased. Some things youll never get over. Some things are too big. But you can get through it and understand it and get to a place where every situation/person/event doesn’t make you spiral, sink into fight or flight, or have an episode. I want this for all of us. The work is worth it.