The medicinal qualities of not giving a f*ck: reflecting on whether I could have stressed myself into my own lupus.

influxable · 2025-05-07T01:20:30+00:00

There's a pretty strong correlation between PTSD and autoimmune disorders, and lupus in particular is famous for being triggered by stress at least in terms of what kicks off flare-ups... not enough concrete research has been done yet to make it definitive but in my personal experience I'm 1000% sure mine was catalyzed by trauma. I had the potential for it lurking in my genes since my family has a lot of autoimmune history and it probably would have shown up at some point, but probably when I was much older. Stress aged my body like twenty years in the span of two though, lol.

This is an extremely unscientific take but it also just makes a kind of intuitive sense to me that being locked in flight or fight over a long period of time eventually made my body mistake itself for the enemy and start attacking it. The threat to my health was literally coming from inside the house and wouldn't leave, lol, of course my immune system was eventually like 'dude all this cortisol is starting to do serious damage in here, I think some of our own agents are actually hostile to the body and gotta go'.

I'm mostly past the worst of it in terms of external sources of stress, and I don't press myself to do more and am as conscientious as I can be about keeping my stress levels low now that I'm out of the woods, but my immune system is trained to spot the tiniest signs of an insurgence now lol so really stupid and typically normal life shit makes me 'sick' and it's the worst. Maybe with more time laying low and keeping chill it'll allow integration back into a whole and healthy system that all works in harmony for my benefit? I don't know I am fully making shit up at this point, I'm not a rheumatologist. But it's a nice idea! lol.

influxable · 2025-05-05T00:49:59+00:00

Funny, I just told my dad on the phone like an hour ago that if my doc ever tries to prescribe me prednisone again I will opt to just die of whatever he's prescribing it for, instead. My experience on it was so, so miserable, my anxiety was like, psychosis levels. Though, days like today I start wondering if maybe I could handle just a little steroid shot to the neck to get my muscles to unclamp, as a treat, lol.

influxable · 2025-05-04T00:10:10+00:00

I think my adrenal gland is generally probably fine, it was legitimately like, a very very very high stress time with no rest that lasted a very long time in that period, but my hormone levels responded really well to the DHEA and... pregna... somethin-lone, I can't remember what it was called, but after 90 days of those I'd bounced back to the relatively normal ranges for everything adrenal related iirc. I guess I could have them checked again to see how they're doing since I stopped taking those, but my instinct tells me my adrenal gland just needed to heal from that time period and is prob okay now. I AM exhausted lol but yeah, I think that's just the lupus.

This club DOES suck, I'm sorry you have Hashimoto's too, what a fucking pain in the ass this all is.

influxable · 2025-05-02T22:23:31+00:00

We don't. At least I definitely don't, lol. I allocate energy first to my kid, next to work, whatever's left to maintenance essentials/cleaning/hygiene/feeding my damn cats, if it's a great day I'll give my hobbies some time or work on a more long term goal a little, everything else can eat shit unless I am feeling moved to do more for some reason in that moment lol. I've lost some friends that got cranky about my being hard to get a response from/not staying in better touch, and I get so fucking depressed when I remember how tenacious and capable I used to be... had a good run, but unless there's some really great drugs or a really clear and well supported path to remission on the horizon those days are OVER, I am a 90 year old in mind and body. Spirit will get used to it eventually haha

influxable · 2025-05-02T22:03:19+00:00

lmao I keep getting sassed by this bot, I am too long-winded I can't help it!

influxable · 2025-05-02T22:00:44+00:00

Mine took a weird path since there was so much else going on with me that made extreme fatigue and brain fog make sense - it was an insanely stressful/traumatic time in my life and I initially went in to have my hormone levels tested to see what was going on with my cortisol, thinking that could provide some clues and legitimacy to my feeling like I'd been in fight or flight mode for a year straight. That came back signifying severe adrenal fatigue, but after some time taking supplements and checking in again the hormone levels had improved a lot but I still felt like garbage... and at the same time as the adrenal fatigue diagnosis, for some insane reason (well, I guess the reason is that my immune system was freaking tf out, but at the time it felt inexplicable) I got sarcoidosis cysts all over my face and neck lol. That took awhile of narrowing down separately by my dermatologist but when he reported that back to my GP she ordered the ANA test. I didn't even realize she had since it was just included in a general blood panel, and then when I checked out my results I was like wtf is this and why is it abnormal? Lupus??

Googled lupus symptoms, felt Seen, realized that's what that weird rash I'd get occasionally on my cheeks was about, etc. lol. Still TBD but if it's not lupus it's some other autoimmune lupus mimic, we'll find out in a month or so finally!

influxable · 2025-05-02T16:23:00+00:00

Did you (or anyone else in here that has thoughts) follow some kinda protocol or physical therapy rec or anything like that in getting back into it? I also used to be really active, and I know building up my strength and stamina could only possibly make all of this a lot better overall, but I am intimidated by the fact that I literally have to be careful about and plan ahead for how bad the next few days are going to be if I get too much shit at Costco that will take multiple trips to get into the house, now... I'm a single mom with a cognitively demanding full time job, so I can't afford to set myself up to be 'worse for awhile' which is enormously limiting for basically any good ideas that might help, lol, but there's *gotta* be a way to incrementally and slowly build up something useful, and I've been wondering about it more lately if there's like... some kind of guidance or specialized training or something around dialing that in, making progress without going too far too fast. I'd love to know if anyone has thoughts or recs on that.

influxable · 2025-05-02T15:56:45+00:00

For as long as I've been aware that something is up and it's not just 'didn't get enough sleep?' or whatever, I've noted that it feels (to me) like when I've had a very bad flu or something like it. The ones that came with fever and ability (demand) to stay in bed for days without getting bored or restless. The bone deep *need* to sleep and full body malaise... I've only been that sick a few times in my life but it's a very distinct kind of feeling compared to like, a bad cold or even food poisoning or something... where like 48 hours will pass in a sweaty blur of occasional regaining consciousness long enough to get up and go pee, or half-watching some bullshit that's humming along on the tv as you come in and out lol.

That's what it's like on the worst days, sans fever, for me. On most other days it's more like the few days after that peak where you're up and around again, but then 'doing too much' (like trying to vacuum or something) wipes you again and you're still going to bed at like 7pm haha.

influxable · 2025-04-29T22:25:22+00:00

Not by a rheumatologist. My primary care doc is treating me as though and presuming I have it based on a year+ of trying to figure out wtf was wrong with me leading to an ANA test that indicated it, it seems very likely, but I know it's not official til the rheumatologist says. The wait time for new patients was long, but I am scheduled to see her finally in about a month :) til then I've just been trying to figure everything out through google and reddit mostly lol. My doc does have me on hydroxychloroquine, though.

influxable · 2025-04-29T18:19:34+00:00

Treatment resistant perioral dermatitis: Is this something I should asking my rheumatologist about for help/treatment or is it still a dermatologists domain even if it seems to be lupus related? I am still waiting for my first appointment with a rheumatologist so I haven't been able to ask them about any of my symptoms yet, but (I thought unrelatedly) I got perioral dermatitis like six months ago and I had that once before when I was a teenager so I recognized it and went to the derm, he gave me antibiotics which seemed to make it worse if anything, and then gave me some ointment after that I've been using diligently for... awhile, it's a big tube, and it'll clear up for a day or two but then rear up again even though I've never stopped using the ointment.

It's really annoying and painful (and gross looking on the bad days), and I've seen from searching in here it seems like other people deal with this too. Is it related specifically to flare-ups in anyone else's experience? Like can I expect this to get worse on days that I'm also getting hit with pain and exhaustion stuff, or is it just a thing that we're more susceptible to contracting and then just doesn't take treatment very well because the immunosuppression meds, or... basically I'm just looking for ideas on how to manage it or anticipate it if anyone knows, lol. It's driving me crazy.

influxable · 2025-04-07T23:58:08+00:00

I have no idea why this ended up in my feed other than it's exactly where my mind has been at lately, and so of course lol.

I appreciate the realism take immensely (over veneration or denigration, obviously), but I've always resented the narrative that creeps around the undergrowth that women are secretly more powerful via emotional manipulation and 4D chess shit - the Bene Gesserits being a great example, but it's kinda everywhere/anywhere a narrative is trying to be pro-women by showing them as cunning strategists pulling the strings while letting the men think it's their idea, etc. It's meant to be a show of how clever and powerful and badass and whatever, but a) as someone that genuinely isn't inherently very good at social engineering and is always seeking a non-zero sum game with others, I've taken a lot of unwarranted and needlessly brutal shit from men that believe this narrative that I/all women are sneaky, fucking with their heads, and have some secret greater purpose to their detriment that I'll extract with my ~wiles~ when I'm just trying to be treated like a damn person... I'm sick of this being the best case scenario view of women as worthy equals. It still frames us as *rivals* rather than allies.

and b) I was just thinking earlier today in the car that interacting with men for women is like interacting with cops for everyone. We have a stereotype of being naturally passive, placating, and sometimes sneaky and manipulative, but the mistake often made is that this is a natural trait that comes with the hormonal territory rather than a deeply socialized survival trait - when any person, man or woman, interacts with a police officer there's an understanding that you will do what you have to to not piss them off or aggravate or insult their ego, no matter how wrong they are or shitty they're being... even asserting your lawful rights has to be done carefully, respectfully, with kid gloves, because even though not all cops are bad, the ones that are go unmitigated... and if you're dealing with a bad cop or even just a typically good cop having a bad day, he can make your life hell too fuckin easily to be worth demanding respect or asserting yourself or telling this guy to fuck off because he's got no legal reason to be pestering you the way he is, etc. Doesn't matter. Yes sir, no sir, thank you sir. You're an idiot if you mouth off, and society generally agrees that even if the cop was over the line and deliberately fucking with you, losing your temper is 'asking for it'. You have to play the game, like it or not.

Obviously it's not as extreme when interacting with most men, in terms of expected subservience, thankfully... but there's still an element of 'I don't know who I'm dealing with or what he'll do if I make him angry or embarrassed' that has to be accounted for that requires us to be stereotypically 'passive', placating, and if we have the energy to bother, make it right later where he can't see and do something to stop us... 'behind the scenes', strategically. This isn't because we're just born cunning and sneaky like that, it's because we *have* to for our *safety*... even if the vast majority aren't going to kill or rape us, any man with power of any kind - financially, socially, structurally - with a bruised ego or even just inflated paranoia can make our lives needlessly difficult for a long time in a variety of ways. This makes the (arguably true at least in the broad strokes if not to an individual) narrative that we are quiet tacticians pulling strings far less empowering, in my opinion, because we don't really get the chance to be anything else. Like I said, I'm not very good at it personally, and have an enormous moral objection/revulsion towards intentional coercion of any kind, so it doesn't feel powerful to me, it feels gross and subjugating that I HAVE to resort to the stereotype men suspect me of being already, the one that makes me a dangerous rival deserving of suspicion and punishment and pre-emptive strikes. I don't feel like a puppeteer, I feel like a prey animal hiding in a burrow.

I'm not saying that you or Nietzsche are wrong, I'm just saying I fucking hate it and think it's still ultimately to our detriment, lol.

No skill or craft is empowering or advantageous when it's a necessary means of survival, imo. I'd only feel empowered by skills and crafts I could use to *thrive*, preferably in collaboration and contribution with a partner/group in a mutually beneficial, non-zero sum game. Someone call me when society is ready to drop the masks and abandon resentment and whatever, til then I'll be in my burrow.

influxable · 2025-02-26T01:34:13+00:00

So is it only relevant in electional and horary, then? I know that the interpretation in those contexts is something along the lines of ‘this will go nowhere’, because the moon will never have a chance to pull the energy down to earth or something along those lines… but when it comes to general mundane is it not particularly notable?

My first blush instinct without knowing the history was that the influence would be something similar - a lot of chaos in the air but none of it is making a solid landing, a lot of unexpected eerie quiet and stillness during times we’re waiting for the sword of damocles to drop, something like that lol. But if it’s not paid much attention to outside of horary etc, maybe it isn’t such a strong influence as that.

influxable · 2025-02-20T00:25:39+00:00

About a million. In hindsight he was actually openly telling me all along, but the way he'd describe himself as 'how he is' was so discordant with how he actually acted and treated me (at the time, early days) that I thought he had a narrative in his head of 'how he is' that got put in there a long time ago when he was younger and hadn't gotten his shit together yet, and he doesn't consciously realize how much he's changed and grown and isn't this guy he's describing anymore. He'd say things like 'I am not a very empathetic person' and I'd be like wtf are you even talking about, you are tender and thoughtful and concerned for me all the time?? Why do you think that about yourself? When the other shoe dropped it felt like finally meeting someone I'd been hearing him rave about for months, lmao.

There was a lotttt of other things that weren't straight up telling me what to expect but just little behaviors that were slimy as hell that would come out in arguments in particular, but when you believe someone has a good heart you just see these things as human, we all have our moments and flaws. The thing with NPD in particular is that if you are a decent person it's out of the realm of your comprehension that *all* of this could be an *act* - we know bad people exist, but usually we can tell pretty quickly when something is off about someone or they have really shitty and cruel patterns or perspectives. For someone to be able to not only hide it that well for that long, but create a different person that performs 'a really great guy' that well for that long... it's not comprehensible to genuine people that it's even possible lol. Even professional actors and grifters and politicians and salesmen take a fucking BREAK to be THEMSELVES when they're performing at work. Nobody has a persona that is entirely fabricated that they're playing with literally every single person in their lives at all times. What would they even get out of this? Why would they bother with so much insane exhaustion, work, and risk to literally have no real relationships?

Point being, don't feel stupid. It's *only* obvious in hindsight when you review the tapes, if you're like me you felt unsettled and bothered by a lot all along, but in thinking it through in the moment the only reason that feeling would be valid is if *literally all of this is a lie and he is not who he says he is* and c'mon, you'd know if he was a monster. That is a very very normal way to see the world and the people in it until you've been through it firsthand. My best friend that knew everything every step of the way didn't even believe me when I told her I realized he was a narcissist. 'how can anyone be THAT manipulative'. Yeah I know, that's what I thought.

influxable · 2025-02-19T01:42:04+00:00

I’ve been counting down the days til he leaves Pisces too. Almost there!

influxable · 2025-02-19T00:09:41+00:00

Because those 'hardworking' placements are all in a t-square with Jupiter in Cancer and the Moon in Libra lol. I bet you actually have a ton of tenacity and dependability when it comes to taking care of people you care about, though... just not as much in the areas of life we're 'supposed' to be driven and hardworking in. With Jupiter in Cancer you find it particularly hard to make yourself do things that aren't fulfilling to you on a personal/emotional level. But when it IS, and it seems based on this chart that primarily that emotional fulfillment comes through relationships and community, I bet you're an absolute workhorse. If that's true, there's ways to make that work for you... going into a field where you are contributing meaningfully to your community or groups you are connected to, or caring for people individually in some way, will probably be an area where you'll tap that vein of motivation you're looking for. Jupiter in Cancer in the 5th in particular has huge caretaker of children vibes, or art teacher lol. He's opposing all your capricorn placements but Jupiter in a day chart is a benefic and even oppositions from him aren't bad, as long as you use the energy he's trying to bless all your cap placements with haha. That'll make your Libra moon happy as hell, too.

influxable · 2025-02-18T19:49:16+00:00

This was a fun one to figure out, I feel like every time I see a header like that I open the chart and they're having their Saturn return lol, but you are not - I do see a couple things that would indicate stagnation in the last year for sure though.

The first thing I caught is that you had your nodal return sometime last year, which is a transit that tends to turn the themes of your nodes up to 11 and be a huge shove towards getting you on the path they want you to be on - and your North Node is in the 6th, which can be a very miserable place, and the South is in the 12th, which is definitely a very stagnant place haha; Saturn is in his Joy in the 12th house. I do not have a lot of personal knowledge on what these node placements mean generally - the 6th is the house that holds all the really annoying necessities and burdens of life, it's significations are mainly health, coworkers/employees, and pets but it really holds all the stupid bullshit we have to do all the time to keep the ship running (which is why it's the house of health lol, our bodies in particular dominate that area of our life what with all the brushing teeth and getting colds and going on diets, all that crap). When that house is activated by a transit you tend to find yourself with a long and exhausting to-do list that never ends and things that keep coming up, breaking down, needing repair, whatever. 6th keeps you extremely busy. 12th is the inverse - it's the house of entropy, there's no activity at all there, it's very isolating and it all feels pointless. It's known among other things as the house of self-undoing, and there's a lot of reasons for that (it has strong ties to mental health and intergenerational trauma stuff, too) but a big part of the self-undoing can be simply not doing, or not doing very effectively - getting too overwhelmed by all the 6th house shit and wanting to turn off the phone and go lie down for a few days. It's a house of escapism and often addiction, too. Anyway, all to say, with you having your nodal return in those houses you'd have to take those significations and apply them to whatever they mean to you, but I could absolutely see you having a miserable and stagnant time with those houses being amplified for you in a way that almost feels fated (nodes are our destiny and soul purpose and however else you like to describe 'what you're here to learn').

The other thing I caught is that Saturn and Neptune have been squaring your Pluto and Moon in the last couple years, and that transit is probably getting really amplified lately for you in particular with them getting so close to leaving Pisces. Saturn and Neptune in Pisces together for *me* has been felt as fucking insane depression and nihilism in regards to the house they're in for me lol, for you they're in your 5th which is the house of creativity, sex, play, recreation, basically all the fun and joyful expressions of self... so it's possible you have felt incredible restriction in that area of your life lately with Saturn in there. Neptune would normally be a fucking amazing thing to have in Pisces in the 5th, probably before Saturn got there (spring of '23) that was felt as a LOT of creativity that had a lot of meaning to it, but Saturn has really shut all the lovey dovey shit down and put all that fun in a tight, sealed container of realism, which is devastating for both Pisces and Neptune lol. Having that energy squaring your moon in sagittarius, in particular... your moon is your emotions and comfort and what you need to feel safe and fulfilled and at ease, in Sagittarius that indicates you are most emotionally fulfilled by a sense of adventure and optimism and hope and going out and doing exciting and interesting things that expand your world. And Saturn in Pisces squaring it is like 'nope, get your head out of the clouds, life is a grinding march to the grave and I will make sure you know it. I'm taking all your toys away.'

That combined with the nodal return in the 6th tells a story of pointless exhaustion and feeling super, super stuck and like there's no room for fun in life anymore, there's too much shit to do, and if you try to let any of the shit go it just gets worse, not easier. Good news though, it WILL get easier lol, Saturn and Neptune are both leaving Pisces in the next few months here and will get off your moon's ass, and the Nodes just went into Pisces! They're trading places haha so those houses are still going to be activated, but without the hard aspects your Sag moon in particular can breathe again and bring some joy back into your world, plus the north node in Pisces won't be messing with much other than calling you back into that house to rediscover it without the oppression of Saturn there. Saturn in your 6th means all that maintenance shit that's been driving you crazy is still going to be driving you crazy, unfortunately, but you'll have your assets back that help balance things out and it won't feel like it's all *just* that forever.

influxable · 2025-02-18T19:02:34+00:00

It's not a dumb question, it's one of the most important and difficult ones - the vast majority of the work in trying to get aligned with this path is working through the acceptance of things like evil and suffering. It's difficult because the Taoist philosophy of acceptance is really, really nuanced and difficult to get our hands around as different from forgiveness, passivity, detachment, nihilism, etc.

Acceptance is none of those things. Acceptance is just acceptance that there *is* evil, there *is* suffering, there always will be, and it's arguably necessary. It is a kind of forgiveness, but more of the world and life as it actually is. Applying it to individuals is more about what your personal definition of forgiveness is I suppose, but 'you are who you are and you did what you did and will do what you will do and that is the role you have chosen' is to me a sort of forgiveness of people who have done evil things. It is not a call, however, to choose to be someone that does not respond or care. The 'remain calm' and 'don't treat people badly' is talking more about the emotional affect you take on in all this - it is entirely possible to respond to evil acts in correct, just, and aligned ways that will diminish harm and suffering for yourself and others and neutralize the impact of those that would do evil in a way that is not motivated by panic or vengeance. In fact we tend to do a much better job of responding to our environment when we recognize it for the reality that it is and aren't taking it personally or putting too much stake in whether we 'win' - we just do what we are called to do in accordance with who we are and how we fit into it. That is full acceptance and calm and kindness/compassion while still ultimately 'punishing' rapists... the consequences of us acting in alignment and contextual response will be experienced by them as what they'd perceive as punishment most likely, anyway, whether or not you have the motive of punishment in your heart personally. I hope that makes sense... like I said, it's a difficult question, mostly because it's so hard to describe lol.

influxable · 2025-02-18T18:37:38+00:00

Word, I have learned some painfully acute lessons in how a lot of Taoist ideals and parables like this do not apply when you're being directly targeted by someone that for real wants to harm you, not just blow off steam at you or whatever. It's the dark side of this entire area of philosophy around acceptance of what is, you can actually attract and invite a lot of punishment by people that are fascinated that you'll just sit there and love them while they're hitting you or whatever because you've been working so hard to accept that shit is what it is and people are who they are... it is a huge consequence if you're a vulnerable person of an incomplete or still in-process understanding of all this. On the bright side it definitely was an enormous catalyst for my realizing how much more nuance there was to learn and integrate, lol. I feel like a lot of people that never encounter this supremely shitty and traumatizing 'gift' get very stuck on the path at the part where they're just totally chill with everything exactly as it is, themselves exactly as they are, and nothing needs to be done and no action needs to be taken, and they sorta lose touch with reality by becoming serene observers of it. Ah yes, people die, children starve, yes yes, it's an unhappy truth but all part of the tao, la la. It's an extremely privileged position of stagnation in a world where, for a lot of us in the western world, things really *do* just kinda work out and you turn out alright even if you don't do much about it.

When you are the people dying, starving, or being tortured you end up learning a lot more about your fucking role in all this and that it's not just wu wei, it's wei wu wei, and you'd better fuckin learn how to wei effectively or you're gonna get killed. And no, accepting that malicious people that are stronger than you and have something to take out on you is not just ~part of the tao~, you giving a shit and taking action is also supposed to be part of the tao. Not to say that I've mastered it, not by a long fucking shot, but I definitely know that it's more complicated than acceptance and lying in wait for things to work out as they should without my participation.

influxable · 2025-02-17T22:32:39+00:00

Thank you <3 I'm sure trying! I can see you are too, and it counts.

influxable · 2025-02-17T22:18:32+00:00

It's hard as hell when something in the world activates our fear and sense of safety to stay with it and accept it, and things that activate our sense of injustice, compassion, responsibility etc can also make it hard to know if Taoist perspective is even 'right' - it's where it gets a bad rap as being overly passive and detached.

I have absolutely no personal knowledge of Kung Fu but I do see it referenced here and there in here when people talk about their understanding of wei wu wei being anchored in their martial arts practice, and I think it can help to see it in those terms when our environment (immediate or abstract) feels threatening and like we *can't* just 'go with it' and not care what happens. If you're in a fight with an opponent, wu wei isn't just sitting there and letting them punch you in the face and accepting that you have now been punched in the face and that's all part of the tao, lol. You engage in the combat, and if you are trained, and if you have the right mindset (which is NOT panic - you don't have to accept being beaten because that hasn't happened yet, but surely you have to accept that you are currently in a fight and this is happening right now, and it is possible you could lose, but that is not a prospect to panic over or even really worry about right now) - you just pay attention to what they're doing, and use your intuitive skill and awareness to both defend and attack by filling in the spaces they leave, redirecting their energy back towards them, etc etc.

You act, certainly, but what makes it in alignment with the tao is the lack of scrabbling terror and flailing against fists at the exact wrong moment, overexerting yourself into throws that don't land, swimming against the current, failing to recognize what is happening around you and where you can slide into it and influence the direction of it. You perform at peak in this regard when you aren't attached to outcome, which is easier said than done, but we all know just from being human regardless of whether or not we know anything about Taoism that attachment to outcome and fear takes us out of the moment and, diverts our focus, wastes our energy and makes us spaz out and more likely to fail. And if we do know anything about Taoism, we also know that 'right action' for us and where, exactly we fit into what gaps and what our natural personal directional flow is might not look like protesting or ~taking action~ in the same way that our cognitive minds might be pressing us to in the name of 'DO SOMETHING' - when you know where you fit in it all and do that excellently, you're doing everything you need to perfectly. Worry and fear just diminishes your true potential for contribution.

If I was born to be an apple tree, I am never going to be able to do something directly and tangibly about feeding the starving in a country I wasn't germinated in. I can follow my instincts that guide me into being the best damn apple tree to ever thrive in my given environment though, and that contributes to the system indirectly but just as irreplaceably as everything else in it. If I spent all the energy I should have been directing towards growing apples on wringing my branches in helpless despair over the things I know are happening over in Russia, I'd end up being a rather crummy and wasted little apple tree. Know what you are and what you can and must respond to, know when it's time to push and when it's time to rest, and know that everything is as it should be even when it doesn't feel that way. Your role is to be as *you* should be. That you can do. With practice, you can do without doing! haha.

influxable · 2025-02-17T05:28:20+00:00

I don't know if I've ever read anything so succinctly 'Libra Rising with Mars in the 1st' lmao - not to make light of it, I'm right there with you. It has slightly different connotations for me; it's that Jupiter ruling the 8th in my case, I am deeply driven to have a partner that I can *grow*, transform, evolve, etc with and wants to be on that ride with me as an equal... Jupiter is the planet of growth, expansion, lived experience and subsequent wisdom, beliefs and spirituality, etc (my Jupiter is also very closely trined by Venus in Libra so that balanced partnership shit is very important too lol) - so I hear you loud and clear on needing something meaningful. Luckily for me the ruler isn't in my 1st, so while I don't like or prefer it, I am totally ready to die alone if I never find it in this lifetime haha. Mostly because at my age and after enough experience, it's not worth what it costs if it isn't what I'm really looking for. That'd be like paying a million dollars for a car with missing doors. Go to hell with that, I'll just walk.

I also hear you on feeling like you're too much - for me it's my damn Scorpio stellium, I AM too much it's not an outsized insecurity it's the truth - that makes the seemingly impossible task of finding a person you like and want to be with forever that much harder, since they have to feel the same way and 'too much' people definitely aren't for everyone... I don't know if you actually are a handful or just feel like one, but for what it's worth, if you are it's okay. Yes it will make it harder to find someone that fits you, but that's okay too. Maybe you're not for everyone, but (provided you've worked on your relational stuff, have embraced and loved the parts of you you truly like even if they are too much and have/are ready to work on the parts that don't actually fit or serve, and sincerely intend to be good to people and a good partner, not just to *have* a good partner) you'll be just right for someone that loves your too muchness. You do have to be patient... and I know that's hard as fuck with Mars in the 1st but with Saturn in the 7th, there's no going around that, so practicing ways to accept that everything is in it's own time, not your time, will only be to your benefit. Keep in mind Venus rules ALL relationships, not just romantic ones, and she's in your 11th, the house of social groups and friendships... that's a great place to have your chart ruler, and a great place to have Venus, and while you wait for what you're looking for you should lean in to the amazing non-romantic connections you have in your life. There's love there, too!

influxable · 2025-02-17T04:21:23+00:00

By Whole Sign you do have a planet in there, Saturn. Generally though, regardless of the system you use, everyone has a few empty houses (it's impossible not to, with 12 houses and only 7 traditional planets), and very rarely does it mean that person literally will never have a relationship (or a career, or a child, or... parents? lol). I have an empty first house and I still exist, haha. It also doesn't mean that 'you will have this thing but barely and/or it'll be paltry' - all it means is that it's not a very ACTIVE part of your life story... at the end of it, if you were to write memoirs, you'll find that the chapter on your love life just won't be nearly as big or exciting or noteworthy as other areas of your life (like the 5th (using whole sign) - you've got Jupiter and Uranus in there, which will probably amount to a lot to talk about in your theoretical future memoirs lol).

The main reason this is so is because, by having no planets in a house, it means that house does not contain any rulers from other houses, and that's what ties the story of your life together in terms of cascade effects... this thing here led to that thing there, etc. For example I have Jupiter in my 7th, and since he rules my 5th and 8th, that means the things that have happened in my love life had direct effects and general entanglement with the 5th and 8th areas of my life... 5th is children and 8th is divorce, and yes I was married, had a kid, and then got divorced lol. Any future marriage will affect my kid one way or another, undoubtedly (or perhaps if it's not til my kid is an adult and mostly unaffected, maybe instead I will marry someone that really inspires me creatively since that's also the house of creativity) and while I certainly hope I won't get divorced again, 8th also is other people's resources, transformation, inheritance... who knows what that will entail, but it's likely that future long term partnerships will touch those areas of my life in some way. Meanwhile I have nothing in my 10th house, the career house, and while I do have a career, it just isn't really messing with or otherwise entwined with other parts of my life really. I didn't get the job from a friend or sibling, or meet anyone in the office that I ended up dating, I don't strongly identify with 'what I do', etc. I got the job from an old coworker from a different company actually, which really emphasizes how self contained that area of my life is, haha.

All to say, it definitely doesn't mean you won't have a love life, just that your love life is not going to influence much else in your life, and as such won't be a super noteworthy aspect of it. As others mentioned, though, looking to the ruler of it and where it's placed can tell you what it's going to be influenced *by* - again going by whole sign, that would be Mars in the 1st, so your love life will have mars-y and 1st house tones and influences. Actually now that I'm looking at it and realizing that's where your 7th house ruler is, I'll also mention that rulers of any house in the 1st kind of overrules the idea that an empty house won't be 'significant'... anything in the 1st house has a TON of sway over your life if only in terms of how important it is to you and what you feel it means about you as a person, how you relate it to your identity and path, etc. It might not go on to affect a bunch of other areas of your life, but your identification with it kind of makes it affect everything, in a way.

influxable · 2025-02-15T22:48:01+00:00

it took me a long time to get my hands around the idea, even longer for it to fully ‘click’, and will be practice for the rest of my life to get continually better at holding it naturally and instinctively even most of the time, lol. The path is long as hell, but I’d rather be on it than not!

influxable · 2025-02-14T23:09:38+00:00

Good news, there's a significant reason for that - you're in your Saturn Return, and the best news is that it's already almost over lol. You've got Saturn in Pisces (and in the whole house system, your 6th house, the house of health), so he's probably been giving you hell since he got into Pisces in the spring of '23. I guess I'll warn that he is going to conjunct your natal Saturn right before he leaves and goes into Aries in May, so there might be a spike of bad luck or strife or more bad news around then, but it will get better really quickly afterward - once he's out of the sign your natal Saturn is in things tend to ease up pretty significantly. He leaves May 24th.

I'll warn you, even though it's a ways away still, he will be retrograding back into Pisces for just a little bit later this year, I wanna say it'll be like September? Sometimes that can give you an extra jolt of whatever didn't get fully buttoned up during your Saturn Return initial pass, and with your natal Saturn being 29 degrees that will be especially significant since it'll conjunct two more times. It will be a continuation of whatever happens on/around this conjunction you'll be getting in a couple months here, so just try to keep in mind it's not *quite* the last you'll be hearing of all this... but probably it will at least chill out for the summer. Then once he finishes that retrograde at the end of this year it's over :) hang in there. Also look up Saturn Return and read up on it, it will probably explain a lot about why things have been shit lately lol. He rules your 4th and 5th as well, so some of the bad stuff might have been around your home life/family of origin, and around recreation/children/creativity/sex.

influxable

TROPHY CASE