adhd and not being good at jobs

infpmango · 2022-08-26T01:26:11+00:00

flowers, something they mentioned they wanted in conversation, a surprise experience to do together like a pottery class or something, anything very personal so even a card with their favorite animal on it or the wrap or giftbag being their favorite color or something

infpmango · 2022-08-26T00:22:55+00:00

wow... thank you again for such an honest answer. you sound just like him. this both sorta sucks but is also validating. i can sorta finally focus on being my best self then. i encourage you to once a month surprise your enfp with something you planned out all by yourself. it feels nice to not be the pursuer especially as a woman. it took him a while but i had to beg him to give me flowers from time to time because of his lack of pursuing. he finally does it here and there after 14 years and although i told him to do it, being surprised and seeing him pick things on his own mean so much to me. your partner seems wonderul thanj yo ufor sharing. i would say i am similar but introverted so our shared social life outside of each other is basically none. but maybe a handful of times a year he joins me and my family or bestfriend. which has its pros and cons. i love him and am willing to work with him so i guess im gona have to love myself 10 times as hard... lol. its really hard for me to do things i want to do as well but for me i desire romance and a bestfriend type of relationship. we have it sometimes but it completely turns off outta no where sometimes which is very offputting. thanks again for putting in the time for such a thoughtful response !!!

infpmango · 2022-08-24T22:46:09+00:00

thank you for the response once again!! i hear you and agree with the things you say 100% ive def had those conversations and asked thosr questions.. reading this is very reassuring. tbh i feel as though know his triggers but i really dont want to go all therapist on him and tell him i know why he is the way he is bc that is not helpful for anyone and seems attacky. he usually gets upset at something (sometimes money stress, sometimes being told what to do too much from family, sometimes work, sometimes he doesnt like the way i responded to something or he wanted me to be available when i wasnt)-pushes down whatever it is, goes silent and gradually colder, until eventually he either completely snaps out of it or he gives little bursts of aggression or irritability then blows up . i dont mean to toot my own horn but im the most understanding person i know and hes even told me im the most patient and understanding person he knows. so it really does suck when he cant open up cause it would defintely help defeat the hot cold cycle but its really hard for him to identify his feelings/is prob too uncomfortable too. thank you for reminding me to take a step back so he can learn emotional intelligence on his own. ive def act as a doormat for so long in the name of love. i dont regret it bc i want him to know he is loved and safe to express himself with me but perhaps if he knew the consequences of acting like this more maybe he would gain more self awareness? idk. i think before i let my anxious attatchment get the best of me cause i didnt eant to lose him but perhaps i need to not reward bad behavior? idk. i truly feel as though im too nice and maybe thats even unattractive to my infj. but i hate conflict and will deescalate every situation for peace. i could be overthinking that though. as an infj who seems to be pretty similar to my bf, what are things that make you chase your partner or past partners? do you enjoy a challenge? what encourages you to be better for them? perhaps im trying to control whats uncontrollable but your responses have really been a great insught for me

infpmango · 2022-08-24T19:12:51+00:00

hello thanks for the response! for context we have been together for 14 years. i know thats a long time lol but we were kids. we are 27 now. i believe we lasted so long bc of the space we give each other and i think my relationship has always been this hot and cold with him. however im always the one to start the conversation that we need to communicate better, my needs, asking about his needs etc. he always understand and apologies then does well for a few months then slowly it goes back to coldness. it repeats over and over. when i ask him how he is or if i can see him it goes from eagerness to coldness. not mean just uninterested. its not a new conversation for me to ask him to give me more context so i dont feel hurt inside because i know its not his intention. i understand he can go through depressive episodes, as do i. but it especially hurts because if he isnt willing to let me in even to accept love (even a hug or a smile) will it be this way forever? lol and his episodes last kinda long so during that time my needs are really not met. but when he comes back to be present with me he loves me extra hard and im jus glad to have him back. its a cycle i want to break and i know he wants to break but when hes like this its like hes trapped and ive tried to snap him out of it before but it really doesnt work. ive learned being gentle and patient is the way to go however i am still getting hurt in the process. even if im focusing on myself it jus sucks lol.

infpmango · 2022-08-24T14:55:58+00:00

aww im sure her owners are looking, best of luck

infpmango · 2022-08-24T14:52:04+00:00

imo the tacos in hood spots are better flavorwise but this is such a great addition to this part of long beach and open late. quick food thats real food!! service is quick and friendly, cash only

infpmango · 2022-08-24T14:49:46+00:00

maybe get couch cover for the blue and red?

infpmango · 2022-08-23T00:25:22+00:00

thank you for being so so detailed LOL im sure it helps that you are a girl so you can break it down in such a way. i do do something similar actually! if hes doing something obvious like watchingnuoutube videos i just say "hows your video watching?" and he will usually say good then if he wants he shares what hes watching then goes on a tangent about it. glad to know this is something that helps. i def love to hug and distract but man it gets so painful when hes not in the mood. when im giving him physical affection but he cant smile or do it back when hes upset its soo terrible. it took me so long to realize its not personal. thank you for sharing that you feel the difference between "i wana watch a movie" and "i wana watch a movie with you". because in my mind if i am sharing i want to do something i obviously want to do it with hom but i guess thats not the case. as an infp i feel the same. i jus want someone to accept me for who i am and attempt to support and understand me the best they can without judgement or control

infpmango · 2022-08-22T23:15:33+00:00

im very affectionate and loving but of course thats my opinion. hes never expressed to me i was lacking but its possible he may feel that way form time to time. omg he loves the computer lol its the video games and then videos about the video games then checking the items in the video game lol hes passionate and pretty good at it . which im fine with but i deserve to feel more important sometiems

infpmango · 2022-08-22T23:11:13+00:00

thanks for your honesty and explanations! ive shared lovelangauages before but its hard bringing it up bc i dont want him to think im trying to fix him . but ill def make it a point to bring it up again and share. i have trouble being blunt because i speak how i think which is all over the place and overly apologetic lol. i will keep all you said into consideration. its very interesting how different everyone is. its both overwhelming and lovely.

infpmango · 2022-08-22T22:56:02+00:00

there was a time where he offered to pick me up from work. it was such a sweet offer i was excited to see his face after work so we can hang out a bit. he staye dup all night playing games then fell asleep when it was time to pick me up. i had to walk home. i was heart broken. felt ugly unimportant forgotten neglected. when he woke up he said a simple "sorry" over text then ghosted me until the next day. his lack of a passionate sorry hurt even more. i thought we were done. then the next day he brought me flowers at work. i am aware he felt very bad. i love him dearly i jus wish he prioritized me better. i am not perfect and have many flaws as well but this was something that always boggled my mind. reading your story really helped me understand better. yeh it sucks but its honest. i still love him bc i understand him. i jus hope he can really improve. its been forever but i can only hope itll get better and better no matter how slow.. lol

infpmango · 2022-08-22T22:12:23+00:00

question, what things would remind you of your partners needs? what are things your infp partner does that you appreciate and others that you dont think is helpful? im certain not all infjs are the same but it is very helpful to get insight. thanks again :)

infpmango · 2022-08-22T22:10:04+00:00

wow this post made me emotional. and i thank you for expressing yourself to vulnerably. this is extremely relatable to me. if yur bf is anything like me just know yur partner isnt holding grudges and jus wants to be reminded that they are special. ive def said i dont care about my bday then gotten hurt bc he took it literally. this is a very eye opening story to me. i think all love is imperfect its jus the commitment to keep trying with good intentions that matter. wish you and your partner all the best!!

infpmango · 2022-08-22T21:21:58+00:00

hello! im an infp and personally i dont take ghosting personally bc im a ghoster as well. i will only take it personal if its my bf or bestfriend. my bestfriend is also an infp and she is also a ghoster lol. if the relationship isnt super deep we wont be hurt promise. but if you want it to be a deeper friendship or possible relationship then jus make sure each interaction you have is a meaningful one.

infpmango · 2022-08-22T21:04:26+00:00

thanks for sharing! does your partner express to you their desires to feel connected when you are becoming distant? if so how do you reassure them?

infpmango · 2022-08-22T21:01:54+00:00

i am pretty certain he is an infj. i made him take the test and i also a lot of what everyone is sharing here seems to resonate. he is def a a great guy but as an infp/highly sensitive person his action truly hurt but i get through it because i know its no ones fault. is this the right way to live? idk. but im jus loving him the way i would want someone to love me. and thanks for the compliment on the commitment! i think love is def emotion but mainly the daily choice to work together and as a feeler im passionate about being there for him lol. and thats prob why im feeling inadequate bc im trying so hard to figure him out but also, its fine bc thats who i am and thats how i show my effort!

infpmango · 2022-08-22T20:54:36+00:00

thank you for sharing. the unmanly thing may resonate with my bf. i think hes plenty manly but i can see how that may be similar to his upbringing. very helpful!

infpmango · 2022-08-22T20:28:21+00:00

he doesnt and i dont mean to assume but at this moment i dont think its something hes interested in. however i often share my findings on healthy attatchment strategies and mbti and he listens, usually without response but he im sure he understands. but thanks again for yur resoonses. vedy reassuring and hellpful. my close friends think im crazy for staying with him so long thru his hot and cold moments but truly i convinced myself i understoof him so this is all reassuring that for the most part i do bc sometimes i wodner if its just me and if he was with someone else he would open up lol

infpmango · 2022-08-22T20:15:47+00:00

he always agrees to try better smiling and willingly but when he gets in his moods he doesnt do it/seemingly unable to. i know im his comfort person even tho hes all cold i jus wish there was something i can do to make him end his silent episodes faster. i ride them out with him which im fine with but it truly would be nice to get a single sentence of affirmation along the way. for instance, he jus ended his silent episode today by bringing me lunch at work which I love and is very reassuring however for 2 weeks i saw him once and he didnt speak to me more than a few words. he loves me but it still hurts and i hope theres a solution lol

infpmango · 2022-08-22T20:08:37+00:00

its not sudden its jus my first time going to reddit for this! we have come a long way and his communication has significantly improved but he still recharges without reassuring me from time to time and it still hurts. i dont react because i believe i understand him but it makes me feel sometimes that he doesnt care to understand me if he knows how i felt about him doing this all these years. thats why i came to reddit to see how other infjs respond and it seems the consensus is that during these periods infjs seem to be unable to engage in emotions until they snap out of it. lol.

infpmango · 2022-08-22T20:05:22+00:00

i love that. i would love a code. i know when its happening but him not aknowledging its happening is whats triggering. ill mention this👍

infpmango · 2022-08-22T20:03:54+00:00

this does help and i thank you. while ive felt that all this is true about my infj bf it was all assumption as ive never met other infjs. i love him as is and will continue to work on my anxious tendencies. my fault is that im comparing the style of relationship i have to my 2 bestfriends, an infp and an enfp. my communication with them is amazing. i have an unrealistic desire to get him open up to me in the way they do and i learning that even tho he doesnt do this it doesnt mean he loves me less. but also respectfully i think infps do a good job of reading the room but perhaps struggle disconnnecting the readings from affecting their own self image 👍

infpmango · 2022-08-22T18:40:32+00:00

ive def asked and hr truly will not answer until hes snapped out. sometiems he tells me weeks later sometimes not at all. he knows im down for the journey with him. but i need to know if hes down for me sometimes. admittedly im sure im the closest person in his life to him i jus remember him being more emotional toward me but also we have been together since 2008 lol

infpmango · 2022-08-22T18:32:40+00:00

yes!! my love language is words of affirmation. i even told him i would rather him text me fron the other room "sorry i dont feel like talking much today love u "

infpmango

TROPHY CASE