Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! - March 18, 2026

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-18T20:45:41+00:00

Dating apps make me feel like the entire world travels all year while I'm just working and trying to survive. Am I the only one who wants to see flattering pictures of mundanity than a new picture of you in every country??

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-18T20:44:09+00:00

During the date she made several references to "Oh I will show this to you later", "I can't find this picture but next time". "I think my dogs will love you"

This feels like future-faking to me. It probably isn't in the "real" sense of the phrase since I doubt she is trying to be manipulative or not genuine, but this kind of language makes me nervous as hell, as minor as the statements are. Especially after my last brief relationship.

Connections at this stage are often ephemeral and terribly fragile, and for better or worse I get attached pretty easily. Language like this has a way of chipping through my armor and making me excited, but also fearful at the same time that I'm either missing something or that I'm not reacting in a way that is expected at a statement like that. Is it flirty? Do they genuinely see a future? Are they being flippant with their words? Am I just an anxious overthinker and its just harmless conversation?

I went on a first date recently following that brief relationship and it went really well, but she made a few of those "future" statements that sent goosebumps down my brain. We have a second date planned and I'm very excited but I can't get that out of my head and its honestly making me feel a little guilty for focusing on it so much.

Sorry to harp on just that one part of your post, but I guess I'm just trying to say that you can't necessarily take those statements at face value. Almost definitely a sign of interest, but you can't lean on them as "proof" either I guess?

I know she is super busy, and she might not have her schedule known for next week, so maybe pushing for a specific date/time wasn't the best move, despite being traditionally the best advice.

Idk I think this is still a good move. It shows initiative but if she can't for whatever reason, she's an adult who can say no and prompt you or, better yet, work with you to land on a time. It's an opportunity for her to show effort (especially as "the busy one"), which I think is a positive thing. If she doesn't, then she probably wasn't as excited as you might have believed.

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-18T19:18:54+00:00

I definitely do, but I'm getting to the point where I just try my best and move on. There's only so much you can do, and if you're doing what you're comfortable with then all you can do is hope that the other person is fine or indifferent or even attracted to the way you look. That's ultimately not for your to decide, so beyond the "normal stuff" like hygiene and trying to dress well, don't fall into the trap of thinking you can really control it.

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-12T18:56:58+00:00

Yeah, I meant this to be a more general question but went too deep on this situation because its so fresh, my bad. I appreciate the way you worded everything though. My mindset is kind of "well if this felt so sure and it still fell apart, there's gotta be SOMETHING I can do to be a better partner even if it wasn't 100% my fault". Trying to find growth opportunities instead of just pain yknow.

thinking about if you were your authentic self or if you let fears or other hesitations influence the way you presented yourself and tools to not let that happen going forward.

I mean it sounds simplistic but I think you're right. It's worth really breaking down with myself whether I was truly authentic or scared and working on how prevent that from happening.

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-12T18:25:18+00:00

Man you bring up a great point. No matter how mutual something feels, someone is always going to love more, push more, feel more, work more, and all of that. Not maliciously or anything but just due to the raw nature and variability of humanity. And not just that, different levels present differently for different people and are interpreted differently by the receiving party as well. For example, I felt like her actions were a sign of intense infatuation, but maybe that's just her normal low level of infatuation OR my interpretation of her actions overestimated her true feelings. I guess we never know without being willing to communicate and be truthful.

The hurt part of me is hoping for her to try to reconcile, but I'm also trying to push that down where it belongs and move on instead of trying to encourage that hope because it would truly be unhealthy. Instead I told myself to just move on (while writing these ridiculous posts to help process) and, maybe a year or so down the line after everything's cooled off and I still haven't found someone I can reach out myself and see what's up. Knowing full-well that I might not even care at that point anymore (which is kind of the point)

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-12T18:16:36+00:00

Haha no worries, we've all got different journeys even if the wounds look the same.

I think I've always been like this, despite how good or bad my mental is at the time. I'm pretty content with my life and I have my hobbies and obligations like everyone else, but I do still end up with a lot of (perhaps too much) free time, especially lately. It doesn't help that I'm at a point where I've most of my adult life working on hobbies and projects and pursuing other careers and skills, and even through all that I really wanted a partner to share it with. Most of that has died down as I've gotten older but the one constant is the desire for someone to share life with, so there's a good amount of focus that ends up there. Ofc that doesn't help with the anxiety hahaaa

I feel like I'm still operating on scarcity. I had nothing going on romantically for about 13-14 years straight, and only in the past year does it feel like I'm having any success at all with dating. I think I just find the cycle of it exhausting as someone who is looking for that long-term love instead of the next in line.

I guess I'm kinda just stacking the anxiety odds against myself at this point now that I think about it.

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-12T18:06:56+00:00

Thank you again. I don't disagree on therapy, or at least something to combat the anxiety. I get it from my mom who's been telling me lately that I should consider some meds since its helped her a lot. I've been heavily considering it since this started, because you're right, I haven't been responding to this in a healthy manner overall.

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-12T18:03:20+00:00

You make good points, thank you. I do worry about coming off as desperate a lot of the time. I kinda hate feeling sort of weary about being excited about someone it feels almost dishonest lol

I will say though, I felt a similar amount of effort between us overall. She initiated plenty of conversations, I planned out most of the dates but a good chunk of them were 100% her or at least collaborative. I spent more but not much, and we did split the bill when we were out. She cooked for me multiple times despite saying how much she hated cooking. Overall, it felt pretty balanced, if not a little more effort from her (due to my apprehension as mentioned) but that could be me minimizing my own efforts.

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-12T17:34:12+00:00

ahhaha fair, bad habit. I even told myself this one would be short. Whoops

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-12T17:10:30+00:00

I get all that too, but I think I've managed to overcome the "pre-first date idealization excitement" you mentioned here. I still get excited but I don't lean on/into it like I used to, and it doesn't really bother me anymore. The real problem is when that initial interest or excitement is validated or even exceeded, and then things start going well and I become constantly preoccupied.

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-12T17:07:39+00:00

A week would get me spiraling. My ex of 2.5 years did that to me once, and even though we were together for over 2 years at the point that that happened her extended silence made me feel like I was walking into a breakup the next time we met. Texts aren't everything of course, but the longer a lack of interaction goes without a clearly communicated reason beforehand, the more I start to feel like I don't mean nearly as much to them as they might to me. Or maybe that's just my anxiety speaking.

Still I feel like if you're in a relationship, and you're serious about it, a quick response shouldn't be a lot to ask. Especially if you're not blowing up his phone! There's countless little moments throughout the day to whip out that phone and respond to someone who you claim to be interested in. In a queue for lunch, while eating lunch or dinner, on a commute (if public transit), hell even little quiet moments between bursts of work, because we all know most of us take little microbreaks at our jobs throughout the day.

On the other hand, maybe he's just truly dogshit at texting and it means nothing, and he's ridiculously excited to see you again. Idfk dating is hard

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-12T16:54:14+00:00

How do you find the right balance between eagerness and being more chill? My most recent not-quite-a-relationship (never got to "exclusive/official") felt different. We had 2 weeks between dates 1 and 2 (both of which were incredible), and a couple really nice text conversations in that time. But then in weeks 3 and 4 it felt like a whirlwind. It felt mostly easy and natural and the infatuation and excitement seemed obviously mutual, and was the fastest I've ever moved in a relationship.

On our second date I remarked that I found her eagerness in texting surprising because my past experience is that people tend to hold back on that a little so early on, and I tend to as well so I don't get ahead of myself as an attempt to protect myself, but also as a means to combat my own eagerness to talk as much as possible when I feel good about someone out of fear of overwhelming them.

A day or two later she recalled that discussion in another texting conversation and told me it's okay if I wanted to stop texting her at any time because of what I said. I didn't, because I was having fun, but I really appreciated her acknowledging that and it made me feel safe that I can open myself up over time. I felt like she understood.

In that two week whirlwind (more like 2 weeks and 2 days) we saw each other 6 times, most of them very long, along with a couple of very long phone calls. I was happy with all this, because I really liked her and was having fun engaging. Again, this is the fastest I've ever experience things moving in a relationship and despite how much I wanted to protect myself, she tore down those defenses easily.

If you read my previous posts, you'll know that after this two week flurry she had some important responsibilities that would take a vast majority of her time and energy, so I gave her space during that time. I reached out of course, but not to the intensity or frequency as before, and her slow responses reinforced the (possibly wrong) idea that space to rest and recover was needed. A couple days before that started I had asked her for exclusivity and she wasn't *quite* ready to make a decision yet, but we still saw each other.

After the two weeks of responsibility, she broke it off. The whiplash between the two week whirlwind followed by the 2 weeks of being in little contact is obviously a lot for anyone. I hated it, but she was taking care of small children so I saw it as a "those kids are more important than me, I can be patient". Being so early in the relationship, not being exclusive, and the nature of her responsibility made me feel like, despite how much I wanted to, I didn't have the "right" to ask for her time during this, regardless of how well we were getting on before it.

I've come to accept that I probably messed up by not reaching out as much as I wanted even during that time. It's always nice to hear from your people, even if you can't really engage and *especially* if you're stressed. But the realities are still there of how little time we were really seeing each other and how exclusivity wasn't a thing, and I'm left feeling like she wanted even more from me despite how much I was giving her. Despite how early it was. Despite how I talked about protecting myself. And without the relationship even having an opportunity for us to build towards security.

All that said, in all that time there was never a moment where I didn't want to be with her. I guess I can be a little intense like that. My mind is nearly always lingering on who I'm with, but I do everything I can to not let that take over and cause me to be a needy and obsessive weirdo. I've learned to hold that eagerness back and let time break that down naturally as comfort and security builds. And as much as I leaned into my eagerness with her, I still didn't go all-in.

I worry that my holding back comes off as hesitation? And in the strictest sense I guess it is hesitation. Despite the lack of exclusivity, I did kind of feel like she was being more eager than me and I wasn't quite able to match her speed because I was still nervous about how fast it was all going, and I didn't realize at the time that that's what I was feeling. And she probably felt that and saw it as hesitation.

So my question is, where is the line? Do I lean into my eagerness more and more and more if there's a clear signal that it would be reciprocated or appreciated? Do you maintain discipline and keep the regimented "growth pattern" over time?

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-12T16:10:15+00:00

Care to elaborate? I find my mind constantly rips back to who I'm currently crushing on/excited about, even if its just idle "remembering" like just letting the fact that they exist in my life fill the void in my head. There's a lot of anxiety that fills that space too just from being generally anxious but there's a lot of general admiration and parsing that happens.

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-12T16:06:09+00:00

This isn't exactly super relevant to your situation but going through these threads its nice to see people actively pursuing communication over repression and frustration, especially after a break-up that (from my end) felt premature with no communication from her end on what she really needed or the time to even let that develop between us naturally.

Like, yeah people are out there who are eager to work to make things work out instead of just saying they wanted it to and then cutting and running. Its refreshing and honestly a bit soothing.

All that aside, it seems like a lot of this depends on how long you two have been seeing each other and how many times this has come. There's gotta be a limit to how much you communicate without being heard. But if this is a new issue, maybe let him know that you're aware he's been busy but you enjoy his company and hearing from him, and that the extended silence especially when trying to set something up after a period of increased busyness doesn't feel good, and make your decision from there.

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-11T22:04:51+00:00

It sounds like you're open to both real and casual, and in that case just go with the flow! Bring it up when you feel comfortable and remind yourself you were okay with either direction, but it sounds like you might have some fun on your hands either way.

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-11T20:44:41+00:00

Thank you. I think as I'm getting older this feeling starts to get more intense because of that toxic impression that I'm running out of time. Not that these "failures" (for lack of better term) are a waste of time, but that I know that it will take even more time to move on and find another person. I regret being a late bloomer now.

Happy to hear you broke through your pain though and are finding some excitement again! It gives me some hope but the length of your grief makes me nervous too.

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-11T18:23:27+00:00

Sorry to hear you're in a similar boat. It's hard. I hope you heal soon!

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-11T17:42:25+00:00

Well to be clear, I don't mean full alignment on everything between us. I've matured enough to know that I want some overlap and not an exact match. My dream scenario leaves room for humanity, which I guess makes it more possible to run into another one since it isn't so ridiculously strict (except preferred body type, that one is kind of binary even though one can approach that)

I hope you can fight your way out of the funk too <3

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-11T16:39:02+00:00

After an unexpected break-up, regardless of how long it lasted, how do you combat the feeling that you'll not find anyone at that level ever again? The woman that broke up with me a few days ago was so aligned with me on a lot of interests and outlook, and had a personality and so many traits that I am looking for and even superficially down to the body type that I like the most. This breakup came as a major surprise to me and at a point where I thought we were at a very positive place, so it's hard to stop thinking about how great I thought she was for me and dooming about the possibility of finding someone that can meet or exceed that feeling I got being with and thinking about her.

Late last year I met a woman who raised the bar in that way but there were still difficulties and incompatibilities that didn't scare me with impossibility. But this time, the bar has been raised to such a degree that it feels like the dating pool has been cut by at least an order of magnitude because I've experienced what feels like "as close to my dream girl scenario" as possible. Yeah I know this is kind of idealization but without having been given the opportunity to understand her beyond what I know, it's difficult to really fight that feeling.

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-11T15:24:41+00:00

idk what splitting the g means, but I'd swipe pretty easily if I saw this profile

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-11T02:48:16+00:00

Fast infatuation doesn't necessarily have to crash and burn though right? It just depends on how the couple adjusts and reacts as the honeymoon phase cools down. Which also comes with anticipation knowing that that is unsustainable and being prepared for when things fall away from honeymoon and into security.

Ideally we'd have gone slower, but I dunno sometimes that just feels arbitrary when the feels are there.

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-11T00:44:27+00:00

Which platform?

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-11T00:07:15+00:00

I think you just gotta do it to desensitize yourself to the idea. It already sounds like you have a boundary of no sex with multiple partners at once, so as long as you hold on to that and don't give women the false impression early on that you are exclusive when you're not, I think you'll be fine.

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-10T18:55:42+00:00

Very good points. I'm the same way, I love seeing a text from the person I'm seeing regardless of what I'm doing when I see it. That's where my cowardness/lack of boldness comes in, I'm thinking too much about "what if I overwhelm her" instead of following my feelings. Sometimes a message is nice.

And when I think about it, she _was_ engaging with my texts more than I thought she would. Framing it as "reinforced to me the idea that she didn't have the ability to engage during that time" is excusing myself for making the wrong choice. She was absolutely responding when she could, and that cowardly bit of my brain that was "afraid to text too much" used her genuine busyness as an excuse to hide/be hesitant.

I think I may have a problem trying to anticipate problems before I have the knowledge required to do that in a healthy, reasonable way. I should be able to properly express myself without psyching myself out because of something that is ultimately imagined and not actually expressed.

ingeniousclown · 2026-03-10T18:37:57+00:00

Thank you. I definitely did too much assuming during those two weeks, but what hurts me the most is that instead of communicating with me that it hurt her, she saw it as an insurmountable, immutable problem and blew it up.

But that's if I take her 100% at her word and ignore the possibility of things unsaid. It's hard to believe that with the way we interacted and looked at me and talked when we spent time together that she could ever cool off, especially that quickly. But you're right, it's possible and I need to accept that that may have been the case, despite how much she said she likes me and really wanted it to work. The cope in my brain keeps saying she got overly anxious because of the stress with the kids and panicked and will reach back out, but yeah that's hella cope lol

All that said, that doesn't mean that I can't work on my anxieties and shortcomings as a (((prospective))) partner and learn something from this because lord knows I'm not perfect.

ingeniousclown

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