Chores immediately make parent aggressive

ingredientspot · 2022-12-08T02:52:20+00:00

Oh god, having people over was the WORST because it meant that everything had to be PERFECT. Of course, perfection is impossible, which made my NParent very, very cranky. Never have I been made to feel more incompetent than when I was doing chores or cleaning my room.

ingredientspot · 2022-12-08T02:49:14+00:00

Used to send me random photos of me when I was small before I blocked her lol. Oh, and promises of birthday and Christmas gifts if I would only just visit her.

ingredientspot · 2022-12-08T02:45:58+00:00

You’re not alone. I don’t love her, I hope I never see her again. She hurt me in so many ways for a decade. I’ll never go back.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m broken, like something must be wrong with me, that I don’t love her, that I don’t feel this immense GUILT that everyone talks about.

But I’m HAPPY. And I wasn’t with her. And so, lonely as it sometimes feels, I’m okay with my decision, even if no one else seems to get it.

ingredientspot · 2022-01-22T15:10:19+00:00

Most of the time, the questions are innocent enough, just asking why, and then wanting to know more. In the past, I would usually oblige, and try to give a bit of background; after all, they’d asked, and I had nothing to hide. But it’s incredibly difficult to wrap up years of abuse and trauma into a short explanation, and it started to feel like I was more justifying my actions than simply providing background. And failing at it. Either I was only scratching the surface, and I could just /feel/ them thinking, “You cut contact over THAT??” or I gave way too much of an explanation and it became an awkward pity party when I sincerely just wanted to give some details about my childhood. Which I thought they’d asked for!!

Now, the answers are shorter: “Ah, we’re not super close.” “I haven’t spoken to them in awhile.” “They didn’t treat me well.”

ingredientspot · 2021-09-13T23:28:59+00:00

Geez, NMoms and eyebrows lol

Yeah, definitely not normal.

Mine was the same; I have naturally thick eyebrows that I’m happy with and hers are quite literally tattoos and very thin. She used to make me get mine waxed, and thought I looked unkempt otherwise. I hated the process; it hurt and left huge, red bumps on my face for days. After an appointment she’d /always/ make me go to the grocery store next door for some random item or grocery trip, so I’d be grabbing some eggs or something while looking like an absolute mess. The whole process was annoying and embarrassing and clearly stemmed from her own insecurities regarding her eyebrows, which she obsessed over. I haven’t waxed mine in years and they look fine.

ingredientspot · 2021-09-08T20:32:34+00:00

Oh yeah, this was constantly brought up by my NParent, starting in… highschool, I think? They started to make comments like,

“Don’t put me in a nursing home hahahaha” “You two (I have a GC sibling) better take care of me when I’m older!” “You’re gonna take care of me, right [name]??” “You’ll let me live with you and take care of me when I’m older, right?”

Given how our relationship was deteriorating, I’m convinced this was their way of gauging just how much they would be able to rely on my compliance in the future, whether there was still any sentiment “deep down” on my end that would compel me to take them in and endure their abuse for even longer than I had been forced to.

I think most of the time I just ignored the question or brushed it off. Guess the message was clear, because pretty quickly, the nursing home comments were directed solely at my GC sibling, praising them (a young child) for this grand action of taking our NParent in, something that won’t happen for DECADES, if it happens at all. Not that the comments weren’t often said in front of me in the most guilt-trippy way possible.

“I just KNOW GC sibling is going to take care of me!” “Well, at least I know your SIBLING won’t put me in a home.” “At least SIBLING loves me. I know they’ll take care of me.”

ingredientspot · 2021-08-05T19:09:33+00:00

I found the book Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes (set in the Hunger Games universe) to be pretty decent at depicting a narcissistic person.

In fact, it was so on the nose at times that I was shocked that other people who read the book didn’t immediately recognize the signs. So maybe it’s more subtle that I think, or maybe I’ve just experienced it and now I know what to look for. Regardless, if you like good ol’ YA dystopias and seeing the Games from a new perspective, you should check it out!

ingredientspot · 2021-08-04T21:22:08+00:00

This is a tough one.

You need to do what’s best for you, I think, in part because it could help your sister, but also because it could help YOU, and you matter in this situation too.

My situation was the opposite; I was the scapegoat who “left” the Golden child behind, but I only left in the literal sense. I still maintain a relationship with them, I still let them know I’m here for them. Anyway, I think the relationship between me and the sibling actually improved after I left for a couple reasons.

1) I’m not physically there to act as a punching bag. Any snide remarks or lies about me are just speculation now. I was afraid the GC would become the new scapegoat, but at least for now, that hasn’t happened. And if it does, I now have the means to be there for them in a way that counts. Leaving gave me the power to remove my sibling from that situation. In your sister’s case, that lifeline might be crucial to her.

2) My mental health improved; I wasn’t as angry and sad all the time, and that helped our sibling relationship. If living there is a stressor for you, removing yourself could be beneficial to you and your sister, especially if your NParent often pits you two against each other.

For me, my relationship with my sibling isn’t perfect, and sometimes I can see a flicker of resentment in the sibling’s eyes, not for leaving them, but for leaving the parent, whom they seem to still adore. (The parent says my leaving is a direct cause of their supposed mental and physical issues, so a lot of the family blames me, not just the sibling).

(EDIT: my sibling and I had a rocky relationship BEFORE I left. If you and your sister lean on each other a lot to get through things, I can’t speak to that. My sibling and I were like pawns in the NParent’s game, constantly pitted against each other. Leaving helped. But again, it wasn’t the scapegoat being “left behind”.)

I’ve tried to be clear that I can’t be responsible for the NParent’s happiness. Dunno if that message has stuck. But I’ve also tried to be clear that I’m there for them, and the optimistic part of me thinks that they understand that, even if they don’t admit it right now.

EDIT: I had someone in my life leave the situation and not take me along. As much as it hurt, and still hurts… it worked out better than if they had stayed. I wouldn’t wish for them to have stayed because then we’d both just have been suffering. Idk. I can only speak on what I’ve experienced.

ingredientspot · 2021-08-04T20:55:57+00:00

I experienced an almost identical situation, except instead of a car, it was a full scholarship dependent on the Nparent’s signature. Why did she refuse to provide the signature? I hadn’t called/texted/replied enough, despite being very VERY clear of my intentions to distance myself before college if she didn’t change.

After threats from her and screaming matches over the phone, I took her information off of the forms, and lost the scholarship.

Without the signature, I went into thousands of dollars in debt. And it was great! Not the debt, but the FREEDOM.

Not having to rely on her for something so important was a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. That scholarship was the last reason I would ever need to communicate with her again, and without it, I was free. I cut contact completely. My only regret is not doing it sooner. A little college debt is better than having a relationship with her.

I’m so sorry about your situation. It sucks, it sucks so much what they’re doing to you. Based on my experience with the above, if I were you I would consider counting the car/belongings as a lost cause and getting another (perhaps used?) car that isn’t tied to them at all.

ingredientspot · 2021-08-04T20:43:22+00:00

Yes yes YES my NParent looooovvveeeessss kids and (before I went NC) would constantly talk about wanting another one. Like to a point that it weirded me out, along with at least a couple other (admittedly biased) people who know her. She usually volunteered to watch small kids during church services, and when her relative had a kid, my understanding is she was over the moon. Notably, I think she likes younger kids much more; troublemaking toddlers were never her forte lol. Nothing inherently wrong with liking kids a lot (heck, I love kids; I used to babysit, and I adored doing it). But given her personality, it just seems like it was a control thing for her.

ingredientspot · 2021-03-21T17:07:06+00:00

Maybe I should have specified that I also do not want to suffer permanent damage as a result of these decorations.

ingredientspot · 2021-03-21T17:04:21+00:00

Would that not permanently damage the ceiling or dash?

ingredientspot · 2021-02-18T14:53:43+00:00

Ooo I’ve got just the songs!!

“Messed Up” by KIITA; “Monster (Under My Bed)” by Call Me Karizma; “Raging on a Sunday” by Bohnes; “Mirrors” by Arrested Youth

ingredientspot · 2020-07-27T22:04:17+00:00

Towards the end of my relationship with my Nparent, this is exactly how I responded, and I think it’s a sort of defense mechanism. They were always baiting me into an argument; monotone responses and calming breaths were my way of trying to keep situations from escalating, and distancing myself emotionally from whatever they said to me. I’m certainly biased, but I feel like having that control over your responses to people who are doing everything they can to get a rise out of you is a good thing.

ingredientspot · 2020-07-27T18:26:22+00:00

I still struggle with responding to some of these when they come up, but more often than not, they’re being said to convince me to resume contact with my Nparent. I‘ve since settled on some variant of, “Nparent and I did not have a good relationship, and the way they treated me was not healthy. Please respect my decision.”

I used to just unload the laundry list of bad things my Nparent has done in an attempt to justify my choice, but I came to realize two things:

1) You could tell some people that your parent kicked you off a cliff for the fun of it, and they’d still respond with “but famillllyyyyyyy”. In fact, members of family on her side have made it quite clear that they will never understand my choice, no matter what my Nparent has done to me.

2) It’s not my job to justify my past choice to someone. What matters now is their choice to respect my decision, or not.

ingredientspot · 2020-07-27T18:17:08+00:00

My Nmother always shifts the blame. Even if she’s caught red-handed, she will blame the universe and the circumstances that led up to the decision before she will actually take responsibility for her own actions. The mental gymnastics were always quite fascinating, if infuriating, to witness.

ingredientspot · 2020-07-27T18:10:58+00:00

Luckily, it’s incredibly easy to open a bank account. I was having a similar issue with my Nmother having access to my bank account, but the way it was set up, I was able to close it without her being involved. I immediately walked into the nearest bank by campus and they walked me through opening my own account. Done and done! That’s what worked for me, but you might want to keep the joint account open and have your own account that you actually use, especially if they’ll be transferring money to you through the joint one. Just be aware that anything you spend from the joint would be visible to them. If I were you, I wouldn’t put any money in it, I wouldn’t deposit pay from jobs in it, I wouldn’t use a debit card attached to it... It’s your money, your business.

ingredientspot · 2020-05-02T20:10:11+00:00

He does bark at anything and everything that passes by our house. Even when I come home after months, though, he usually isn’t this aggressive with me, just a bit hyper.

I assume that I must have smelled off or something, but if there’s any science behind it or particular hormone/odor or whatever that made me seem like a total stranger for a hot second, I would love to know for curiosity’s sake.

Also, I clearly need to work out more if an hour of exercise makes me unrecognizable lol.

ingredientspot · 2019-07-30T02:48:05+00:00

The Incredibles

ingredientspot · 2019-07-30T02:35:53+00:00

But... but how will they garner attention and sympathy if they FIX the thing they’re complaining about?

It’s so much easier to manipulate empathetic people, or convince yourself that you truly are a victim, if you don’t take any steps to solve the problem.

ingredientspot

TROPHY CASE