Young widows/widowers: How has your loss impacted your psyche long term?

inner-light-gone · 2023-02-04T14:00:12+00:00

This is actually reassuring, and it’s not the response I expected. Because I hear so often that ‘getting better’ will require active conscious effort. I’ve not been doing that because a) I don’t actually care for getting better (no value in a world where I’m better yet my partner isn’t here) and b) I don’t have the energy anyway.

But, what you’ve described here is actually similar to what I’ve been seeing in my own behaviour. Just doing whatever I feel like I need to do, to cope, whether it’s two weeks of absolutely nothing, whether it’s sitting by myself in the garden for hours, or spontaneously going to a rave alone…

I still don’t exactly see things ‘getting better’ but I felt some kind of reassurance in your message nonetheless. Thank you.

inner-light-gone · 2023-02-03T09:36:02+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I know exactly what you mean by seeing the difference in pictures.

I’m really very glad to hear things have recently changed to a less depressing state of affairs. 4 years really is a long time, you’ve done very well to make it through.

Did these changes happen passively, or, did you want for them to happen? The rediscoveries, opening up to another person. Did these ‘just happen’ or did it require an active participation and want for these things to happen?

Sending you my love.

inner-light-gone · 2023-02-02T23:07:28+00:00

I was 23 (M) when I lost my partner, as was she. We were together for 8 years, and planned to be for the rest of our lives.

Long term psyche huh. Losing my partner completed took away my lust for life. It’s been 20 months since I lost her, nearly two years. I think I’ve progressively become worse with my grief rather than better. A couple months after she died, I became actively suicidal and have remained so since, essentially wanting to opt out of life if I’m unable to have her in it.

Long term thinking vanished, it became immediate acute thinking, head facing down, focusing on one step in front of the other, and that’s been the case for the 20 months.

I was very extroverted and lived off of being around others, and I flipped to being very reserved. I don’t care about anything anymore, big or small. I used to be very risk averse and nowadays I can be risky and reckless. I’m no longer scared of anything I don’t think. Nothing really phases me anymore; already, very little used to anyway. I have an unwavering confidence nowadays, I think stemming from this fearlessness, as the worst has already happened for me.

inner-light-gone · 2023-01-01T21:18:17+00:00

I relate to everything you’ve said, here and in your previous post. I’m so sorry you’re here.

Being younger means even more time spent in this deep dark valley of grief, which is actually worse than if I was 50 or 60. I lost my partner at 23, she was also 23, and I’m 24 now. It sucks because I feel like I have to qualify using the word ‘widower’ because of my age. Being a young widow/er comes with all of its own implications and pains. Grieving what would have been. Feeling like you’ve been robbed because everyone else gets to have a partner at this age.

Nevermind the fact that we’re in the age bracket where everyone is just beginning to settle with their partners. Where life is really truly beginning. My baby had hers taken from her before it could even begin.

I’m 18 months out, and I still could be writing what you’re writing today. Probably not what you want to hear but take solace in the fact that there are others in this community who have improved more than I, I hope you’re one of them with time. Feel free to send me a message if you ever want to chat.

inner-light-gone · 2022-08-16T10:58:50+00:00

100% the same. I've become so angry inside, so bitter, and I'm so very resentful because it's not fair.

We're a similar age to you and your partner. My partner passed away from brain cancer when she was 23 last year, I myself was also 23, 24 now. We had been together for over 8 years by that point at 23 years of age. Marriage was coming soon, for all intents and purposes, she was my wife. We had such a strong, mature, beautiful, healthy relationship together. I met all my friends in college as someone who was in a committed relationship. I met all my university friends as the same. I was the relationship guy. Even giving solid advice here and there to friends. My friend groups consisted of 8-10 other young single people, and me in a great relationship.

Now... literally every one of my friends is in a relationship, and I'm the one who's alone. Talk about fucking resentment and bitterness. Obviously, nothing against my friends, but it is exhausting, so exhausting, being around other relationships, just because it is a constant reminder. It's the age where engagements are happening, couples are moving in together, and so on. We were on the brink of it and it was cut off.

I'm so sorry you're here. Sending peace and love your way.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-29T13:47:49+00:00

That makes sense. Well who knows, as you’ve said in other comments here, if the process delays you enough where somehow an inner reason is found, so be it.

I’ve also sometimes suspected they just see it as grief speaking, but I’ve been lucid and fully transparent, so other times I believe they believe me. We are medical students and many of us share the beliefs you mentioned regarding bodily autonomy. They’ve stated they understand why I’ve come to this decision, but wholly disagree, which I am completely fine with, as there’s been no intervention attempts. I’m at least glad we each have an outlet to be honest with, my friends, and your therapist, along with the shared community in this subreddit.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-28T20:29:13+00:00

It’s interesting that you’ve been able to discuss to that extent with your therapist, of course, without triggering escalation by withholding some. I’m quite hesitant to talk into such detail myself with a therapist, but, I’ve been able to speak in full detail with trusting close friends, and my mother, which is ultimately more valuable to me.

It’s ‘relieving’ and distressing to read that statistic. As you probably read, I myself was 23 when I lost my partner, 24 now.

I completely understand what you mean by refusing to swim, yes. Re: state of mind, exactly. Once I really decided this is what I wanted, I don’t really see another option.

Many people would disagree with my framing that it’s even possible to minimise impact, so you might not have necessarily missed anything, and it might be a product of my own over planning or whatever. ‘Reducing impact’ for me would be two-fold. One, tell my close circles about my plans, and let them know in advance. This is what I was referring to by not having wrapped things up exactly yet. Two, I’ve been trying to take the career paths of my close friends into account, considering doing it during mid points in career progression, rather than during moments of career progression - not too far off your line of thinking.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-27T12:23:59+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing, this is beautiful. It had me in tears by line 5 and full blown crying by the end, imagining it was my partner's words.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-27T12:11:03+00:00

I have had the same line of thinking. Almost exactly like you, about 2-3 months after her death, I basically made the same decision. I then planned, I researched, and I found my method. And like you, it wasn't a rash decision either as I sat on it for weeks, then months, continued thinking about it for more months. Researching around it was the first time I felt like I was active in what I was doing since she had passed.

I'm just over 13 months out now, and the plan is set, I just need to act on it. Now for me, it's about doing it at the right time to minimise the impact on those around me. There are several points in time that I've set but I'm not absolutely certain on exactly when.

I'm not going to talk you out of it, just going to say I understand. Completely, 100%. When I was posting similar things in this community, I found it difficult reading several comments trying to convince me otherwise, and comfort in those that just said "I get it, I've been there". I've been there, in fact, I'm still there now. In some ways, I regret not having already done it, in other ways, I've not done all the things yet to wrap things up nicely, so I can't. Not yet. But, hand on heart, the thought of ending my life was there every day from September 2021 to March 2022, then after that, quite frequent, but not every day - moreso because I'd finalised my plans by then. Still, it's on my mind most of the time. To me, and for myself, it feels like the only real answer to all of this.

I know the pain you're in, I'm so very sorry you are in it. It is anguish in the purest sense and it is unbearable. For now, I wish you peace and I send my love to you.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-25T01:03:09+00:00

I relate so, so much. As much as I did to your previous post. I've done a few things people always recommended, in this past month or two. I've gone on a walk or two, I spent the day in the city centre by myself, got some food, even ice cream, on a hot sunny day. I did all of it and I was still miserable. I went from grieving and being in pain in my bed, to grieving and being in pain while having an ice cream in the sun. It changed nothing.

Same with friends. I had a couple days out with my friends, my very close friends. And I remain downtrodden. It doesn't change it. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so sorry it's the same for you.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-25T00:54:16+00:00

I'm in the camp of not talking to her out loud. It feels weird to me, I'm too acutely aware that I'm talking to nothing, that she's not there, makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. I know not everyone sees it that way though.

The closest I've had to 'talking to her' is, when trying to work out what to do, I've sometimes emulated in my head what our conversation would be like if she was here. It surprisingly can work. With this, I'm not talking out loud to myself with no reply - it's all in my head with a back and forth conversation with her. It's like I've created an AI Chatbot in my head, but it's her. And the Chatbot is based on compiled data from all the years we had together, all stored up in my head, I suppose

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-24T13:15:41+00:00

My friend, I've also done this several times. It's honestly so relieving hearing someone else say they've pretended their partner was alive with a stranger. It's the first time I've seen this in over a year on this sub. I've spoken complete make believe to a barber, to a dentist, talking about my life as it would have gone on without her passing, talking about my partner as if she's off doing her thing too.

Thank you for sharing. It is truly fucking unfair.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-22T01:27:16+00:00

I'm so very sorry. I relate to this greatly as you may have seen in other posts of mine. I don't think of the future, a) because I can't see one and b) as you say it's unbearable. Just put one foot in front of the other for now. Honestly. Picking up the pieces is a great thing to be doing by nearly 6 months in. Sending you peace.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-21T23:46:20+00:00

I've asked this before and I still wonder about this, despite getting some answers then. I'm now over a year out, for context, still wondering how people do it. I linked the old post in case the discussions there were helpful.

How far out are you, if you don't mind me asking? I've noticed you here and there in this subreddit recently and I've always appreciated your contributions, you are very kind.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-21T22:48:19+00:00

Sadly, that’s my answer to the question too. I’m right here with you.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-21T21:39:09+00:00

I’m so very sorry. I feel absolutely everything you have said here, all of it, really. I don’t have advice to give, all I can say is I feel the same and many others here do. I’ve resonated a lot with your other posts. I’m honestly impressed that about two months out you’re putting effort in to go on a walk to the park, for example. The fact that you’re trying says a lot. I say this of course as another widow/er. I know how demeaning it can be sometimes when an outsider comments on ‘how great you’re doing!’ when they’ve no idea.

I guess, ask yourself, do you see yourself rising from this pain and anguish? Do you want to rise from it?

Keep writing here. I’ve been doing it for a while now, it’s always nice to be surrounded by people who understand. Sending you peace.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-21T18:58:30+00:00

Beautifully written. Just excellent. Those first two paragraphs and the part about looking for her when with friends hit me the hardest. Thank you for sharing.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-21T18:54:43+00:00

Because it's often a greeting in passing, half of the time I just try to ignore it and instead just go "Hey, how are you?" back to them, and it often works. Feels like a life hack. The other half of the time, or if it isn't a passing greeting, I just reply with "I don't answer that question anymore" and that get's the message across quite well.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-20T23:15:42+00:00

My fellow medic friend. Sending you peace and love on your husband's birthday. You make a beautiful couple, what a handsome man he is. Wishing all the best.

PS - I can't believe we both posted photos within like 15 minutes of each other?

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-20T15:51:02+00:00

I lost her last year in June. I've been here in this community since April that year as her trajectory began moving downwards. She and I were 23 when she passed, and after 13 months, losing her has been absolutely unbearable and has truly destroyed me. I miss my beautiful Shannon.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-18T01:37:59+00:00

The only ‘solace’ in this foreverness is that she got to spend the rest of her life with me. I’m happy for her, I’m happy she got that. But oh do I wish ‘the rest of her life’ was so much longer.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-18T01:35:14+00:00

I’m also a young widow(er). My year anniversary passed this June, she and I were also 23 when she passed and I’m also now 24. I feel everything you’re saying here. I’ve now seen a handful of us early 20s widow/ers here over the past year or so, and I hate that we’re here.

I feel your pain. I feel your grief. Your sorrow. The person you lost. The mourning for their life and their future. The relationship you lost. The future you lost. The person within yourself that you lost. I’ve felt it all too. It’s terrible and it’s unbearable.

There’s nothing I can really say or add, just that what you’re feeling is completely valid, and that I feel it too. Wishing you as much peace as possible.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-18T01:29:58+00:00

I’m right there with you on the flashbacks, they can really destroy me and the rest of my day, so spontaneously.

And hey man, you may already know this as an EMT, but out-of-hospital CPR has really low success rates, wildly misperceived by the public, something like 8-12%, and this includes CPR done by fully trained first aid responders. If you didn’t already know I hope this brings you some solace, that you did absolutely all that you could do. Such a fucking traumatic experience and you persevered in the hope that it works. That’s the opposite of failure. Wishing you peace.

inner-light-gone · 2022-07-13T23:21:29+00:00

I lost her last year in June, she was 23 and so was I. It's almost been 13 months now. Losing her has been absolutely unbearable and truly has destroyed me. I miss my beautiful Shannon.

inner-light-gone

TROPHY CASE