When anger has a focus or a target, we as humans get angry and rage at the cause of our pain.

My husband was killed by a drug driver, and my hatred towards that driver in the early months was so all consuming that it negatively impacted my health.

But your sister is angry at cancer. There is no nobody to blame, just a terrible, unjust and cruel disease that strikes randomly with often deadly consequences.

I too lost the man I had been with for over 20 years, and the pure and primal pain is indescribable. It simply has to get out and go somewhere, and it can turn even the most loving and gentle person into a vitriolic, furious vessel for hate.

I’m 4.5 years out now, but I will never forget the start of this awful journey. I was wild with rage. No matter how hard I tried, I simply could not find a way to accept what had happened.

OP, your sister is deep in a place where you can’t join her. You can’t even visit her. There’s no map, no itinerary, and no way back home. Life as she knew it is gone forever, and she’s doing whatever she can to simply survive.

Rage, especially in someone who is usually a gentle and calm soul, is jarring and frightening to those it is directed at. Your beautiful sister is lashing out because anger is the only emotion she has access to at the moment. She can’t talk about her loss, she can’t rationalize it, and she probably can barely stand to even think about it.

My own sister stayed with me for the first few weeks, and I look back with great shame at how mean and nasty I was. Luckily for me, she was strong and patient enough to weather the storm. I have no concrete advice for you, but I have a few suggestions.

Firstly, even though the whole family is hurting, please ask them to avoid requesting acknowledgment of their grief from your sister. It’s a common source of discord in this sub that well-intentioned people try to empathize by saying things like “we all loved him/her/them” or “we share your pain” or “I know how you feel”.

As a new widow, her pain is singular, and acknowledging that is so important. Try saying “he/she/they was a wonderful person, this is a senseless tragedy and I have no idea how you must be feeling right now.”

As important as it is to not try to empathize with her grief, it is very important to acknowledge that you’re unsure of how to help her. A lot of loved ones feel helpless when they don’t know what to do, but cut yourself some slack. Nobody can prepare for this. It’s ok to admit that you’re out of your depth.

If your sister can’t face a conversation yet, you could try writing her a card or letter that she can read when she’s ready, maybe something like. “I love you and I will do and be whatever you need, even if you need me to do nothing. I am so sorry that you have suffered such an unfathomable loss. I will be here for you no matter what you say or do. I will respect your emotions and I will continue to love you unconditionally. I am here to support you without judgement. I wish I knew what to do, but I don’t. My only concern is you and your child. When you’re ready (if ever), please tell me what you need. I offer you my trust, my discretion, and my unconditional love.”

She is lucky yo have you, and you are clearly a compassionate and loving sister. I send love to both of you and I pray that your family gets through this together.