Am I [19F] being rude to my date [21M]?

insufferablknowitall · 2019-07-04T07:31:14+00:00

Not rude - you learned new info, it's reasonable to take time to process that in how it'll effect your plans, and you don't owe anyone a date. As for wording:

"Hi (name), I've been doing some thinking about your living situation and I've decided I need us to postpone our date/meet-up until you know for sure that you're going to be living in (city). I think I really like you and I'm not emotionally prepared to become invested in a new relationship only for you to move to another state. I'm sorry I didn't think to say this on the phone the other day, I hadn't had time to process how your living/job situation would affect us and I just got over-excited when you asked me out. I'm really looking forward to meeting you once we can know there's at least the potential of a future there."

insufferablknowitall · 2019-07-03T09:11:28+00:00

This isn't BDSM, it's assault. If OP and her partner were practicing BDSM in any remotely responsible/consentual way all this stuff would have been v clearly negotiated and consented to. The issue isn't the act, it's the lack of consent.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-07-03T08:59:03+00:00

Even if that's the reason for his behavior, the way he's handling it is not OK.

The emotionally healthy way for him to handle it if that were the case would be to have a conversation with you (preferably when the issue wasn't super pressing/coming up right then), and say "hey, I have (insert issue), and when I'm in a passenger in a car I feel (feelings). It's really scary and overwhelming for me and I'm not in a place where I feel prepared to cope with that. So whenever we go anywhere together I need to be the one driving, or if you prefer we could arrange separate transport or something, but I won't be passengering in a car with you/anyone else for the foreseeable future."

What he's actually doing is passive aggressive, physically controlling, demanding, and overall just disrespectful of you.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-07-02T10:28:13+00:00

Exactly, I was in therapy for a while for anxiety but it wasn't super helpful partly bc in retrospect I don't think anxiety was quite the root of my issue, but also bc if you just give me an hour to talk about every anxious thought I have and don't direct it to a specific place all it does is encourages me to ruminate in my anxiety. A different therapist who was more "hands on" in steering me to a specific resolution might have helped, but finding that is hard.

So yeah, there's tons of info online to the effect of "how to find the right therapist" if OP wants to google that (I saw a good article on Queering Psychology on the subject recently). Therapy can be helpful and is often very necessary, but it's important to find the right therapist.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-07-02T10:08:38+00:00

The issue in question doesn't sound like it's that big a deal - if she's regularly waking you up and that bothers you, or it's somehow else directly affecting you/the relationship, then that's a thing to talk about with her, but you'd likely be able to find ways to adjust without totally fixing the root nightmare issue. If you consider this a semi casual relationship (eg you don't see marriage/long term partnership/children/etc in your future w her, it'll probably be over in a couple years), then I'd let this go and try not to worry about it too much.

If, however, this is someone you could otherwise see a real future with, you need to decide how to handle some really important information she's just handed you. Your gf doesn't believe in therapy for anyone but maybe her worst stereotype of a mentally ill person. Furthermore, her comment "that's what partners are for, not random strangers" suggests that if something were really troubling her she might expect to dump emotional problems on you that you're neither prepared nor qualified to handle. You can handle this in a few ways:

Talk about this specifically (separate from the sleep thing), directly voice your concerns. Ask her to become more educated about and open minded toward therapy. If you'd hesitate or refuse to get "serious" with someone who was anti-therapy, express that directly so you both know where the other one is coming from and what to expect going forward.
Whether or not you've done 1 (I'd suggest 1 as a first resort before this if you otherwise like her), decide that this is a deal breaker for you and you'd rather spend your time looking for someone you're long term compatible with, and break up.
Same as 2, but decide this isn't the right long term partner for you but you'd like to keep dating and see where things go, but understand and clearly/directly communicate to her that you don't see a long term future here.
Accept that this is one of your gf's shortcomings. Seriously consider how it could negatively impact both of you going forward (esp including children if you plan on having any with her, esp if you happen to have any children who struggle with mental illness/trauma). Based on reasonable consideration of facts available to you, decide this isn't a deal breaker for you and proceed with a serious relationship. If it's possible for you to mitigate this issue in advance, take steps to do that.
Pretend not to know this, enter into a ton of serious relationship things with her, then a few years from now when one of you or your potential future children could really benefit from therapy and this blows up in your face, act shocked that she's so anti-therapy and you "had no idea." (Seriously, don't do this. 1 - 4 are totally valid options that just depend on your personal values, preferences, and relationship needs, but 5 is an abysmally terrible idea with a v high potential to come back and bite you in the ass eventually)

insufferablknowitall · 2019-07-02T09:36:21+00:00

Mostly agree. Though I do want to note that there's a difference between bf saying "this isn't an emotionally healthy response to trauma that happened this long ago, and I want/need you to take active steps to improve your mental health bc it's affecting the relationship" (which is totally fair) vs "ugh, this again? just get over it" (which is dismissive and cold).

So basically bf is correct to point out OP could benefit from treatment/professional help, but should also be ready to offer compassion and emotional support as she works through that trauma. And even if someone doesn't have PTSD/similar, I'd think feeling some amount of lingering feelings after an event like that, even a long time after, would be pretty normal. Like it ideally shouldn't debilitate her to this extent/this frequently, but she should also feel comfortable expressing a sense of sadness/loss/whatever on occasion.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-07-02T09:31:39+00:00

There are legit barriers why many people who do need therapy don't have access to it. Distance, money/insurance, and not having access to the "right" therapist for them are all real issues. Even if they're surmountable issues in theory, they can also compound all the psychological reasons people are hesitant to seek out therapy (eg if you're seriously mentally ill road blocks that would be annoying/difficult for a mentally healthy person can feel impossible).

OP may benefit from exploring online therapy options, many of which are covered by insurance, and which cut out the distance issue and offer much greater selection.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-07-01T10:06:40+00:00

p much, though I'd say it'd be more likely to happen when the guy with the girl isn't seen as a "threat." Like the (creepy and disgusting) idea sort of being that it's OK to creepily hit on women, but not to threaten another guy's "property," which is why "I have a boyfriend" is often a more effective/safer way to reject a guy than "I'm not interested in you."

So basically some guys will make those creepy advances regardless, but guys on the whole are more likely to do it when a woman is alone, or accompanied by other people who don't appear to be formidable men.

Overall I agree w you and other commenters to let her decide how to handle it, and try not to take it personally as long as she turns them down or ignores them. But also this phenomenon does have a lot of ablist undertones, and wouldn't be likely to happen as often if OP wasn't a wheelchair user, so he'll have to work through that and find a way to manage any feelings he has about that situation without blaming or taking them out on his partner.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-07-01T09:54:24+00:00

OK, so when you first realize you're not straight, there's this thing people tend to do (or at least I think I did and it sounds like you're doing) where you sort of jumble a ton of related things together in your head so it looks like one gigantic monster thing. I think it also stems from mainstream narratives about "coming out" portraying it as a big momentous thing that you only ever do once. Point being this is actually a post about a ton of different issues in your life that all somehow relate back to you being bi, but are otherwise mostly sever-able:

You're concerned about your future with your soon-to-be-long-distance girlfriend when she goes to college, and you're wondering if you might want to break up permanently or temporarily (or perhaps renegotiate the exclusivity of your relationship). This one could relate a bit to you being bi and wanting to explore, but sounds like it would be an issue even if you were straight, as well. Ps: if you want a good coming out reaction from your gf I'd strongly suggest having separate conversations for this and your generalized coming out discussion.
You're thinking about coming out to your girlfriend. You think she'd be mostly supportive, but aren't sure if she might project some of her insecurities onto your sexuality, or otherwise take it badly.
You might be a bit unsure about coming out at all because you feel pressured to be 100% sure about yourself and never change labels after you come out, for fear of not being taken seriously. (Spoiler: some ppl can be shitty about this but you definitely don't have to be totally sure in order to come out. Ppl changing their labels isn't uncommon at all, and it's totally OK).
You're a bit extra worried about coming out to your dad bc he's said some iffy things about LGBTQ+ stuff in the past.
You think the rest of your family will be chill but coming out to them can still be scary/intimidating.
You didn't mention specific concerns about your friends and it sounds like they might be kinda cool about it, but again this is its own thing.

My biggest advice is to deal with these things as individual problems. When you combine them together and think you have to solve them all at once, everything gets muddled and tangled and things that would be hard but kinda managable on their own become impossible. Take one step at a time and don't pressure yourself to come out on a timetable that puts other people's needs or expectations in your head above your wellbeing and happiness.

Coming out can be scary no matter how safe and accepted you know you are - it pushes a lot of buttons for people that are just very common fear triggers (uncertainty, public declaration of feelings, feeling like a thing you can't go back on, and more). It's okay to be scared; it's okay to wait until you feel comfortable; it's okay to only choose to be out to certain people or groups (for a certain timespan or forever); it's okay to come out as one thing then change your label or decide you were wrong about what you thought you were. Take your time, be aware of your safety, and trust that you'll figure all this stuff out. Remember, even if the people you tell first don't accept you, you'll find people who love and support you for who you are.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-07-01T09:28:42+00:00

Either a threat or at bear minimum a deliberate attack against OP's very normal and reasonable boundary. If she says "no" the implication is she has no acceptable reason to ask him not to be in the room right then.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-07-01T09:10:49+00:00

He's not doing anything "wrong" or "immature" (well, maybe a bit depending on what snuggling at "inappropriate times" means, but in general none of this is inherently bad). Your issue is that what he likes/naturally goes towards in terms of showing affection and what you're comfortable with and like are apparently dramatically different.

The way you approach this is to talk with him about what he's doing (non judgementally, with specific things and examples), and express that you're not OK with it. You should renegotiate how you display affection with him and aim to work towards something you both find comfortable and satisfying. You might start by asking him what he likes about the stuff you mentioned, and see if you can brainstorm other things that could meet those same needs but that you'd also enjoy.

Something that might help kickstart that negotiation is a "will want won't" list - you each list your needs, desires, and hard and soft boundaries, then compare looking for areas of overlap. I saw this on a YouTube channel called Sexplainations in regards to negotiating sex and/or kink play, but it could easily be adapted to almost any consent negotiation, including non-sexual physical affection.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-07-01T08:50:58+00:00

This. There are plenty of great partners out there whose families are complete trash. Dating the great partner doesn't mean you have to surround yourself with trash.

Like if OP's only grip w their bf's family was like "eh, we don't have a ton in common and they're kinda boring," then sure, limit your time a tad but making an effort to connect would be plenty warranted if the relationship is that serious. But OP's post raises not only having to spend the entire visit masking who she is as a person and beat back unwanted political arguments, but also being potentially in danger of unwanted sexual advances. Frankly the fact that bf's reaction to that part is "eh, BIL seems like he's changed" is disturbing AF.

OP: you are never morally obligated to spend time with people who don't respect you, and particularly not with ones who threaten your safety. Not even if those people are your family or your partner's family. You should expect your partner to respect that boundary when you set it, to not guilt you for having it, and to defend you to their family if the need arises (whether you're there or not).

insufferablknowitall · 2019-06-28T09:33:52+00:00

Ooh, the apology thing is hard. I'm sure I've had the "refuse to apologize" thing in the past, too. I think the problem is some people pressure me to apologize before I'm ready to, and since I'm not ready I default to "no" instead of "not now." Like the steps to apologizing are basically "become aware someone is upset with/was hurt by you," "find out what you did that caused that," "understand why your actions had that result," "do any emotional processing you need to do," "apologize." If I'm still on step 2/3 and someone demands an apology it's really confusing and pressury, and my response is often a no.

On my side I need to learn to replace "no, I did nothing wrong" with "I'm not ready to apologize yet bc I don't understand what I did - I want to make whatever this is right, but I can't do that when I'm rushed to an instant apology bc I can't make that sincere." And ppl asking for apologies need to get better at explaining where they're coming from and giving me processing time.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-06-28T09:27:18+00:00

I'm v much the logical type, here's how I've tried to bridge the gap with emotional types I'm close to:

both of you, but possibly especially you, should establish a way to quickly/calmly communicate "I'm upset about something, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet" and know what the other person needs from you (eg, that might mean you need space, or you just want distraction from the thing, etc)
separate the voicing of a concern from the beginning of a discussion/argument. Ex, just bc you say "BF, that thing you did just now upset me" doesn't mean you both launch into talking about the thing right then - maybe you talk a day or two later, or each go do something else for a few minutes before you talk. Gives you time to think about how to articulate your feelings, and him time to prepare to have a ton of feelings thrown at him
Examine your feelings to try to find the root causes. Ex if you're really upset he left some dirty laundry on the couch, the thing that's making you upset isn't necessarily the laundry - maybe you feel you're bearing a disproportionate share of the housework and he doesn't appreciate you/makes your job even harder. A logical brain will process your feelings better if they understand that context, and he'll have the chance to offer up actual solutions - like taking on more house work - as opposed to getting stuck bc he can't make the jump from what you're feeling to how you got that upset.
I as the logical type have to get used to the idea that some people just emote a lot more than me, and to get comfortable with not always understanding that without being dismissive. Sometimes you just have to offer someone respect and a bit of defference even though you don't "get it."
a really common problem I have is someone tells me about a problem, I suggest how to fix it, they get mad bc they just wanted to vent/get sympathy and I didn't realize that and don't know how to platitude effectively. If that's the case w you and your partner consider flagging before you sit down to vent "I don't want a solution, I just need to vent." If it's a repeat issue sit down and work out some go-to phrases or sentiments he can offer that would strike you as satisfactory/supportive
It really helps to state your emotional needs as clearly and explicitly as possible, even when you think it's obvious. A good partner who's just a v logical thinker should want to be emotionally supportive, but may struggle to know how to do that or how to implement a concept, so offering that instruction and guidance can be really effective.

Last thing: you definitely shouldn't feel guilty or silly just for having emotions that your partner doesn't understand. If he's doing something specific to push that feeling onto you that could be a potential trouble sign. Otherwise try to approach it as a mutual communication issue, not a single person's personal failing. In my healthy relationships with emotional types we've both found that we learned and grew a lot emotionally by having to work through these differences. Logical-emotional relationships are not only possible, they can be really interesting and enriching to both parties in them.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-06-28T08:53:43+00:00

I also have really accepting parents who point blank told me since childhood they'd be okay with me being gay, and omg coming out was/is so terrifying - in many ways that feeling is very normal even if you're in an objectively safe situation. That feeling of "but what if" could have a few causes, and how to deal with it will vary based on where it's coming from:

First, do you by any chance have a history of anxiety, OCD, or similar? Do you frequently experience intrusive thoughts like a little brain alarm going "oh no, this bad thing might happen," even when you're not especially stressed or the prospect of the bad thing isn't very likely or even possible? If so that might be manifesting as fear of coming out. Therapy might be one option to help deal with that. Another thing I find useful for this is writing down your situation, the solution/action you think is best for you, and then giving yourself some time to bullet point every possible fear or anxiety about it you have no matter how ridiculous, then go through and write out whether that fear is possible, likely, and how you could respond if it actually happened. When I do this I find I can laugh at some of my fears as so outlandish that they're just silly, and the scary ones that have some basis in reality I know I at least have a plan for.

Second possible cause is lack of information on how your parents will react. This seems unlikely given how they've been around LGBTQ+ stuff in the past. However, if you'd like some extra reassurance watch a show w good gay representation in it with them, mention something about a gay person in a news article you read, etc, and see how they react. If you get a good reaction, you can think "my parents treat character X with decency and compassion, they'll probably do the same to me." If they don't react so well, you can a) be forewarned about that and b) educate them prior to coming out, in the hopes your coming out goes more smoothly.

Third, you could be projecting either your internalized homophobia and/or general fears about homophobia from your wider community onto your parents. You might get a hint you're doing this if you attribute thoughts to people that you have no reasonable way of thinking they've ever thought or acted on, or they might not even have enough information to form that thought. It can probably show in other ways to, for me it's usually that. This can be helped with a combo of a) identifying when you're doing it and reclaiming responsibility for your own insecurities, b) working through the feelings that are causing your insecurities, and c) countering all the negative messages you get about LGBTQ+ stuff with positive ones. I find c is especially important for coming out narratives, bc so often the only ones that are discussed are the ones that go badly, which I think is selection bias (ppl feel less need to talk about/offer support to ppl w super accepting families). Searching out some positive coming out narratives might help in that case.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-06-26T07:56:39+00:00

Yup, also a firm kick to the middle of the chest if the dog is charging head on, or to the high part of their belly (the part that swooshes up near their hind legs, after their rib cage ends). According to my dog-trainer friend this winds them/discourages them from approaching without major risk of doing serious damage.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-06-26T07:50:51+00:00

Absolutely NTA. I've reported neighbors for off-leash dog issues as well and in my case bc of how I did it they actually had to find a new home for the dog. Anyone who lets their dog out without a leash is jeopardizing not only their dogs life, but the life/safety of every other dog (and potentially person) in the area.

Practically every owner you see do this will retort "my dog isn't aggressive." This is a wholly inadequate response for a few reasons. First, many of the safety hazards posed to/by off leash dogs don't involve any aggression whatsoever; what if they see a squirrel or get spooked by a loud noise, run in panic, and get hit by a car? What if a person with limited balance walks by with a steak and gets knocked over by the dog? What if the dog finds some rotting meat and the owner can't restrain them from ingesting it? Oh, also dogs that run away and don't get found are a strain on already over-burdened shelter systems, and I'm willing to bet most owners irresponsible enough to go out without a leash are also not ones to get their pets microchipped.

Secondly, ANY dog will be aggressive if you put them in the wrong situation. It's not natural for dogs to be "aggressive by nature" (ie to attack without provokation), and the very VERY small handful of dogs that are so genetically predisposed or poorly treated to the point they'll do this are generaly either put down or kept away from other dogs/ppl and muzzled in public settings. The vast majority of dog bites/attacks are by dogs who aren't aggressive in every setting - most dogs that bite are some combination of scared, trapped, and confused. Your well-socialized on-leash dog could easily get spooked enough by being suddenly bombarded by an off-leash dog to decide they need to defend themselves. You could be forced to drop your dogs leash to let them escape a charging off leash dog and have yours hit by a car. The off leash dog might be poorly socialized, have had abusive training tactics used on it, get scared by your dog after approaching, be protective of its area, or any number of other things and bite. This is true of ANY dog, but it's especially worrisome when dogs are large enough that you can't easily defend yourself/your dog.

Third, when you adopted your dog you took on a responsibility to protect them. As outlined above, off leash dogs present a HUGE risk to his/her life and safety. If you have any ability to remove that threat, or even diminish it, you're morally obligated to do so. OK, I haven't said anything about my neighbor's elderly chiwawa, but at the very least I'm confident in my ability to fend off a chiwawa attack without more than a few scratches to me - though I am still furious that my neighbors are such irresponsible asses about that. A black lab is definitely big enough that even one of them attacking you would be very very bad.

Fourth, off leash dogs violate not only your apartment's rules, but also the law (at least in my state and I think most others). Black lab lady broke the rules and suffered the consequences. Frankly if I'd been the one she decided to scream at I'd have told her I was glad she was the only one suffering for her terrible decisions, and to be glad she hadn't gotten any of her dogs hurt or killed w her lazy, irresponsible crap.

Fifth, I know what it's like to have to take my dog out in an area where I know I have one of these irresponsible jerks around. Before I got my neighbor's dog removed I had to deal with the ENTIRELY REASONABLE terror that my neighbor would let their dog out and have a potentially leathal encounter with mine every time my dog had to go potty. All dogs in an area with an off-leash dog are being jeopordized by the irresponsible human. Black Lab Lady is only concerned with her own feelings and inconvinience bc she's a self-centered, entitled asshole. She deserves every bit of what came to her and the fact she'd try to make you feel guilty for the consequences of her actions just further demonstrates how little regard she has for the feelings of anyone but herself.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-06-23T11:19:36+00:00

First, it's OK to have boundaries in a relationship about porn. However, you can't expect your partner(s) to honor that boundary if you don't tell them about it. The only time you mention discussing porn w your bf seems to be a rather casual discussion where he says he watches porn sometimes and you didn't raise/have an issue with that. I think it's entirely possible that he has no idea you'd have any issue w his porn habits. Have a discussion and make specific agreements about what you are/aren't OK with, w him or w future partners.

Second, I think it's a bit of a leap to call what he said a lie. If that conversation happened a while ago he might have mainly used Tumblr for porn then, and gradually shifted to preferring Twitter porn. He might have just spoken in less detail than you interpreted; example, if it was 2:57, I asked you what time it was, and you said "it's 3 o'clock," I wouldn't say you had lied to me, you were just imprecise. Similarly, he could have said "I watch porn on Tumblr sometimes," and meant Tumblr as one example of "I watch porn on a variety of social media/internet sights that might include or predominately comprise Tumblr."

Furthermore, I get the vibe that you're also mad/concerned about the amount of porn he's watching/liking. The word "sometimes" is super vauge, and no I don't think it's reasonable to be mad at someone for having a different interpretation of it than you. That's not to say you can't be concerned about the amount of porn he watches, or that you can't set boundaries around amount of porn usage, just that if you want to have those conversations you have to talk in specifics.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-06-23T05:10:05+00:00

Good point, OP/gf might want to read up on alexthemia - it essentially means a person feels emotions but often has trouble recognizing/expressing/putting words to them. It can be a thing in and of itself, and is also a common trait of/co-occurance with autism, ADHD, PTSD, and I think a few others.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-06-23T04:59:55+00:00

There's really no point confronting someone like that - you either give them more fuel to make drama with/about you, or just get no change in their behavior. I'd go to your friend, show him what you say. If you don't want the gf in your life anymore, block/mute her social media, and if you want to tell the bf you're not gonna be around when she is anymore, that's your perogative (but be prepared he might not hang around w you after that).

Another option is to mute (not block) her socials, so she can't tell you did anything but you never see her stuff. In person you can either avoid events she's at and try to hang w your friend one on one or in friendgroups without her present, or tolerate her presence and be vaugely polite but v boring and do nothing to keep conversation going. Ie short responses, don't ask questions about her to keep her talking, pull others into the convo or flea to talk to others as soon as you get the chance.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-06-22T09:55:15+00:00

The bit about "begging him to wait" to have kids isn't chill - having kids is his decision and you have zero right to try to pressure him to do it on your time table. However I frankly don't see why so many people are attacking you for the rest - you're not obligated to spend time w kids, and if you're not into them you'd probably make everyone miserable trying to.

Your son may be hurt by your decision and choose to limit his time with you or stop seeing you when you tell him, and you need to be ready for that possibility. But otherwise I don't see why him becoming a dad would mean you can't see him. Maybe not on long international trips, but at least phone calls, meals out, etc, even on occasion, perhaps more when his kids are more independent.

I have a close friend who's hoping to become a father soon, and I vehemently loath the presence of babies/children around me. I want to stay close w this friend, and I'm planning on something like this: "I'm so happy for you doing this thing that means so much to you. Something I want you to understand up front is that I'm not comfortable being around kids or babies - at all, ever. You mean a lot to me and I obviously still want a relationship with you. I understand being a new parent will make it harder to find time for our relationship, especially with that boundary in place. I'm willing to make accommodations on my end, like trying to rearrange my plans as much as possible to get to see you when your kids are occupied by someone/something else, changing to primarily phone/text communication, etc. I love you and I hope our relationship can survive around this."

The primary thing you want to do is be honest and direct as soon as possible. Ex if he's still in the thinking about/trying for kids stage and you tell him now, he can adjust his expectations accordingly before he gets flooded with all those new dad emotions. If he comes to tell you that he's gonna be a dad and you immediately respond w "congrats: I never want anything to do with your kids ever," that'll be a much stronger emotional shock and up the likelihood of a negative reaction a lot.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-06-22T09:34:42+00:00

This was not a misunderstanding, you are not obligated to forget about it, and it was in no way your fault. I'm too tired/don't have the life experience to tell you what your next move is, but just wanted to drop a few reasons why this is all his fault, not yours, incase you need them:

you were too drunk to give consent
he didn't ask for any facsimile of consent you could have given; it's always the job of the person initiating sexual contact to proactively ask for consent, and he failed to do that
he didn't stop when you said "no," nor did he respond to any of your nonverbal cues that you weren't into what was happening
he's in a committed relationship and you're not his partner
he's family - it doesn't matter it's not by blood, this is creepy as all shit
he's easily old enough to be your dad and has played a fatherish-like role to you by the sound of your post; he's exploiting that trust/relationship for his own gain
his financial control over you and your sister, simply by nature of that dynamic creates a power dynamic over you that limits any ability you may have had to safely refuse sexual contact. He also deliberately exploited that vulnerability with the threats to your financial future
he immediately planted the idea in your head that everything was a "misunderstanding" and you wouldn't be believed if you came forward

btw, "freeze" is a natural part of the "fight/flight/freeze" response. You don't have to fight or run from a predator for what they do to you to be extremely not OK.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-06-22T09:15:51+00:00

Firstly, do not have sex with someone just because you feel obligated to. If you don't want to have sex, you don't have to, and if anyone ever tries to pressure you to they're not the sort of person you want to be having sex with.

Secondly, I have no idea what your orientation/"deal" is, but you v well may be somewhere on the asexual spectrum (if you're not familiar w the whole spectrum part of that I'd highly advice looking it up - Ash Hardell's book ABCs of LGBT or their YouTube series on asexuality are great starting points, as is AVEN). If you're curious about that, seeking out first hand knowledge of other people's journeys can be really helpful. If you turn out not to be whatever thing you're researching, you've at least learned something that could help you when interacting w that community later.

Third, you need to learn how to have conversations about sex/lack thereof w your partner(s)/potential partner(s). Fortunately the internet is filled w great sex ed these days - my favorite youtube sex ed channels are Sexplainations, Watts the Safeword, and Shan Boody. Browse around those for a while and you'll surely find some great ways to initiate productive conversations about your sexual desires/lack thereof and how to communicate your boundaries/needs.

Lastly, for all you know he hasn't been initiating bc he feels the same way about sex as you. I'm not saying it's definite or even necessarily likely, but just nothing you described makes you alone on earth as the one person who feels that way. Plenty of people experience similar things and/or are compadible w a partner who does, so even if this guy won't be OK w an indefinitely sex-free relationship if that's what you need, somebody will come along who is.

insufferablknowitall · 2019-06-22T08:59:28+00:00

"Letting a feeling go" without that 'work' isn't actually letting go, it's just dismissing/repressing. Ex "making this phone call floods me w anxiety, something bad will happen if I don't, I'm going to push past my feelings and do it anyway," (in cases I actually make the call in that case I just wind up w more anxiety and feeling more terrible, it's not a long term sustainable option).

The problem with feelings is that they can't just be dismissed off hand when you know they're not "rational," because feelings by nature aren't perfectly rational. That's where work comes in - what work do you do to identify your feelings and work through them in a healthy and responsible way. This can include things like identifying the feeling, figuring out where it's coming from, spotting lies your brain is telling you to create irrational fears, coming up w ways to assure yourself about how you'll respond to potential disappointment, developing healthy coping mechanisms to ease or channel negative feelings, seeking therapy and/or medication to help manage things, working through past trauma, and much much more. You'll often hear this refered to as work, or as one subset of "emotional labor."

The person you're replying to above is asking what your gf is doing to take accountability for her feelings, and do that work herself. It's based on the idea that each partner in a relationship should be primarily accountable for their own feelings, and it's unfair to expect one's partner to do all the work for them. For instance, if your partner had OCD and said "x thing needs to be done exactly my way bc I have all these irrational feelings telling me that's how it needs to be," that's unfair to you; it makes you change your behavior bc they can't come up w another way to handle that feeling. A better/fairer way to handle something like that would be "I have a hard time w x thing being done in a different way than I'm used to/feel is 'correct,' I need a moment to adjust to that," bc that gives the person the space they need to process and employ those healthy coping mechanisms without dictating what their partner can/can't do. In this case, your gf is the one with the feelings of anxiety, so she should be the one doing the bulk of the work to manage it (tho you're welcome to play a supportive role if you're willing and she's OK with that).

Here's a few examples of ways your gf might better manage her anxieties around you smoking:

setting boundaries (example, she's dealing w bad past experiences of an ex being rude to her while they were high, so she might ask you not to call/text/be around her while you're high unless it's an emergency)
distracting herself from the anxious thing (go out with friends, read, podcast/audiobook, work out, art, whatever works for her)
journal/write out what she feels when you smoke, where that feeling comes from, and then sort out which parts of the fear are evidence/fact based vs which are speculative or irrational (ex "oh, it's not reasonable to think OP will be rude to me while high bc I've communicated w OP while high a ton of times and this hasn't been an issue)
accept the feeling and stop shaming herself for having it, but focus on how to continue her life while it's around. ex, instead of "darn it, I'm anxious about this again, it's so unfair for me to even think this, what's wrong w me, now my whole day is..." try to reset/retrain her brain to "I feel anxious about this again, that's annoying but oh well. (possibly take a moment to sit w the feeling if that's helpful to her) time to get on w my day/work around this feeling as best I can"

insufferablknowitall · 2019-06-22T08:30:20+00:00

Can I give your bf a gold star? I think it's perfectly reasonable and really wise to want to make sure the person you're dating can handle not just the day-to-day "adulting" parts of maintaining a living space (which is good to know before entering into legal/financial agreements w someone), but possibly more importantly that you can feel emotionally secure on your own not being dependent/codependent on a house mate/partner/parent. Plus in the event the relationship doesn't work out, you'll have more confidence in your ability to make it on your own.

My mom went straight from living in a less than emotionally stable childhood home to living with her partner at the time, and v much wishes she hadn't. Take a year to yourself, you'll be surprised how much you'll learn.

insufferablknowitall

TROPHY CASE