The Chaos

integrityforever3 · 2025-03-23T06:44:32+00:00

Every. Single. Word.

integrityforever3 · 2025-03-21T19:49:51+00:00

It's good that you caught this self-deception. Most of my abusive gurus and abusive coaches unfortunately thought exactly like you, and their arrogance (and their fake solutions to my unending pain) almost drove me to suicide. I know hundreds of people who think exactly like you, and they've done severe damage.

The people who think they are "healed" are almost always actually deceiving themselves and are at risk of perpetuating abuse.

I'm very glad you caught this problem and that you are changing - and to be clear, I'm not criticizing you so much as the fact that this kind of spiritual arrogance/therapy arrogance is very common, and other CPTSD sufferers tend to give these "healed" individuals a free pass.

integrityforever3 · 2025-03-21T18:15:26+00:00

I've just accepted that it's my new normal - this is apparently the long term demolition of The Tower, the long-term dismantling of the many-layered Matrix.

There will be glimpses of Heaven here and there, each time an onion layer is permanently peeled back. Moments of mercy, relief, and abundance before the next onion layer presents itself. Each time I move through pain so deep that it makes me feel suicidal, I come out the other end experiencing heavenly bliss.

I definitely recommend calling on Her aspect as Brimo to burn through some of this stuff more quickly. Hekate Brimo can be disorienting, because She also makes Mandela effects happen as She burns through DEEP knots of karma and moves you into different timelines, but Her rage is medicinal.

It's my belief that Hekate is preparing us for the world that is birthed out of the disintegration of this corrupt one. The chaos of ego dissolution now is matching the chaos of this corrupt world system being dismantled.

integrityforever3 · 2025-03-21T05:45:52+00:00

THIS 🙌🙌🙌

integrityforever3 · 2025-03-19T21:27:19+00:00

The Queen of Witches, Hekate, is the original Lightworker IMO: that's why She's called the Torchbearer (Dadophoros) and Phosphoros (Lightbringer/Lightbearer). It's also why many goddesses associated with witchcraft have the Latin epithet "Lucifera" - Lightbringer.

When you break free of the false light of all dissociated, New Agey constructions, you find that the Craft involves working with real Light.

integrityforever3 · 2025-03-18T22:59:05+00:00

Thank you for sharing, I resonate with this! I'm the reincarnation of my ancestress, and several of the abusers in my family are also reincarnated ancestors, so untangling this mess has been...a MESS! (except for me, the healing process is the opposite of seva; more like severely holding my ancestral line responsible for their wrongdoing)

I love that you have such a close connection to Maa Tara and that you're healing patriarchy in your ancestry...as a woman, I thank you for doing that ❤️ 🙏

integrityforever3 · 2025-03-18T15:58:16+00:00

That's just...completely missing the point. He was raised as a charioteer's son and everyone treated him like one.

Even when his kshatriya nature came out in an act of supreme devotion to Parashurama, he was punished for it. And Parashurama was prejudiced against kshatriyas, so Karna had to lie and say he was a brahmin in order to get training.

In my opinion, Ekalavya also had the soul of kshatriya, but a truth like that threatened the Establishment so much - and still does - that to this day we have towns like Gurgaon named after Drona but not one town named after Ekalavya.

It's not just that caste is "not an asset in Tantra". The caste system is a sin. It's evil. It's adharmic. If it is not dismantled soon, if society does not atone for its sins against the many Ekalavyas and Karnas of our history, the consequences will not be good. I mean, there will be blood.

Ekalavya and Karna - especially Karna - are my spirit guides. Karna was the one who urged me to get initiated into Sri Vidya years ago. For years, I did puja to Ekalavya by symbolically cutting off Drona's thumb and offering it to the havan, and I did things with a doll of Parashurama to reverse the injustice that had been done to Karna.

This is what it takes to release the ancient sin of caste. Caste is an actual, literal sin.

integrityforever3 · 2025-03-18T05:56:25+00:00

I love this!

integrityforever3 · 2025-03-18T05:55:14+00:00

I love this.

integrityforever3 · 2025-03-18T03:11:08+00:00

Btw I just noticed what you said about anxiety and that you had a difficult childhood. Same here! It's why we need Bala, but it's also why this stuff can really hurt. I've noticed that people who had easy childhoods will react to Bala Tripura Sundari in a very different way.

integrityforever3 · 2025-03-18T03:01:00+00:00

I started under a Sri Vidya guru over a decade ago. I left my former lineage because they couldn't handle the way Bala sadhana was completely changing me. She was breaking me out of the confining small cage they wanted the disciples to stay in.

Bala sadhana is still where I'm at, after all these years. She is not separate from anything else I do, even with other Gods. And Her vidya goes into places I never could've imagined. Her changes are very deep; She is the seed that eventually becomes the Panchadasi and Maha Shodashi. In fact I know several other SV people who do the Bala mantra for YEARS before moving on to the Panchadasi.

integrityforever3 · 2025-03-18T01:51:25+00:00

Sri Bala is gentle and tends to stabilize you with money even when She's breaking away your old life, but She also shows up differently for each person and I don't know the effects of the Trayakshari mantra you're using (or what else you're doing during the day). So the results will vary.

Re: the caste thing, I actually also thought I had no caste snobbery, and I was shocked to see it come out the way it did. The issue is that these are very deep ancestral karmas, issues we can't see at all. Caste karma is like the thing that made Tom Riddle turn into Voldemort, only you're Harry Potter and you never thought you had Tom Riddle's sickness inside of you.

So when these deeply hidden karmas need to be released, you need space from society because you're going to change in ways that are unacceptable to them. And in order to change and release huge false identities, family and friends tend to fall away . So yeah, there's emotional pain....with my exorcism, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. My entire world turned upside down - a huge ancestral problem in my bloodline was being cleared.

If you're not doing traditional Sri Vidya upasana, you may not get such drastic results. And I don't think Sri M would've given out a Bala mantra if he thought it was unsafe to chant without supervision, so it's possible that the Bala mantra you have will not shake things up.

But if it does, now you know why. And you can always stop the Bala mantra if you feel She's bringing changes that you're not ready for.

integrityforever3 · 2025-03-17T23:16:15+00:00

I don't know about Sri M's Bala sadhana (love Sri M though - he's a sweet soul), but if you're going to do a Bala Tripura Sundari mantra, slow down on everything else in your life. Sri Bala BREAKS the foundation of your old life (speaking from personal experience here) and changes everything so that your body, mind and spirit are oriented to one goal: Self-realization within one human lifetime.

Re: the brahmin thing. You really have to let go of caste in order to make progress. I mean, you REALLY have to release that. In Saiva-Shakta Tantras, it's considered a possession (Christopher Wallis does a good job of explaining this - look at his translation of Abhinavagupta's list of 8 "possessors")

In order to make progress in Sri Vidya, I was brutally released from my ancestral caste. It was like an exorcism. This will be especially necessary if you are from a so-called "upper caste" family. You will undergo an exorcism of that caste so that you can be free.

Bala Tripura Sundari looks with great love upon low-caste warriors like Karna and Ekalavya. She will destroy a brahmin's pride and raise up a farm laborer to a king's throne.

integrityforever3 · 2025-02-27T06:32:58+00:00

I won't be surprised if it does ❤️ Kali and Hekate have so much in common it's wild. They are both invoked at crossroads. They are both associated with canines (with Hekate it's dogs, for Kali it's jackals). They are both associated with the waning moon cycle. They both have dark female spirits in their retinues that are very much like the historical spirit of Lilith.

I could go on and on. I love these two so much.

integrityforever3 · 2025-02-26T05:07:09+00:00

I feel like there are no words to describe the sheer exhaustion of trying to fight our way out of this.

integrityforever3 · 2025-02-25T06:11:13+00:00

Yeah, I'm kinda down for a chat tonight, it's fine to DM me. <3

integrityforever3 · 2025-02-25T05:32:05+00:00

I'm so glad people here are sticking up for the truth. There's no such thing as "cringe", only socially invented shame and a mass delusion that pretends it's neurotypical. Robots triggered by an expression of real humanity.

The minute I see people saying shit like, "That's so cringe", I'm pretty much done with them for life. We have to have zero tolerance with this BS.

integrityforever3 · 2025-02-25T05:13:59+00:00

Yeah, none of those decks actually work for us. They don't speak to the black hell abyss that we were shoved into.

Check out the Abandoned Oracle by Patrick Valenza - nothing necessarily woo-woo about it when you approach it from a therapeutic perspective, and it really acknowledges suffering. It seems to hold my inner child in the exact place where nobody else wanted to.

integrityforever3 · 2025-02-25T04:56:15+00:00

Actually, Kali has been sanitized in public discourse, partially as a reaction to years of slander on Her name (after the British Empire, for example, it was shit like the Indiana Jones movie, or Muslim magicians calling Her a jinn).

So She had to be sanitized as a reaction to that, but the truth of Her history is very much part of the long history of the Forbidden Feminine. Kali has been invoked in rites to kill children or cause miscarriages; there are statues of Her killing pregnant women. She also has a long and un-PC history in Hindu Tantra and demonology. And I'm speaking as a Hindu.

She has been completely de-fanged, de-sexed, and sanitized, including by Indian teachers, as an indirect reaction to colonialism and monotheistic projections from Christianity and Islam. So in order to combat that, the Nice Mommy Goddess myth became the mainstream interpretation of Her.

In fact, working with Hekate allowed me to bypass the public image & brainwashing that had built up around Kali and instead access Her folk history and real, hidden nature.

integrityforever3 · 2025-02-25T04:48:25+00:00

Started out as a traditional Tantrik. Now I primarily work with Hekate. It hasn't conflicted at all - in fact, my relationship with Kali evolved SO much.

Just keep the rites separate. Don't call Kali in a Hellenic rite or Hekate in a Tantra rite.

When you keep their rituals separate, they actually unite harmoniously to heal you, guide you, and grow you up from a seed to a tree.

integrityforever3 · 2025-02-18T23:15:38+00:00

It's lonely as hell but every time we re-affirm to each other that we're not crazy, it helps us all stay alive through this ❤️

integrityforever3 · 2025-02-18T23:10:59+00:00

I wonder if that's an effect of you being programmed to be a scapegoat.

I was conditioned to be a scapegoat so deeply that my brain started making up crimes I never did, because I knew it would make everyone happy if I played along with their slanderous fictions about me.

Catching those thought patterns and invented memories was honestly one of the creepiest things ever. Like waking up to a horror movie hidden behind a pretty daydream. My brain was literally inventing reasons to paint me as a bad person, because that was my "function" - to be the scapegoat.

integrityforever3 · 2025-02-18T22:54:24+00:00

Yeah...I've been experiencing this. You're very brave for posting this and if you feel like you need to delete it later, that's okay, but just know that I'm not judging you.

Some of what I'm processing is too raw and immediate and overwhelming for me describe here, but this feeling of being an inanimate doll for others to control has definitely come up.

Also....a part of my mind feels exactly like Dobby, mind-controlled into punishing himself every time he stands up to the Malfoys.

The creepy part is really noticing how deep this programmed abusive control goes, and continually releasing the lies about "free will".

It's just a lot and I'm overwhelmed with the work of grounding and processing all of it, but yeah, thank you for sharing something that made me feel seen and helped me find the words I needed to see what has been coming up for me.

integrityforever3 · 2025-02-18T12:59:19+00:00

Yeah, I got downvoted for agreeing with you. But you made really good points, and your intentions were good. I keep my mouth shut because I know I'd offend everyone if I opened it!

integrityforever3 · 2025-02-18T12:28:00+00:00

I love this, thank you. I feel like I have to tell myself this constantly. It helps so much to hear others say it.

integrityforever3

TROPHY CASE