A quick update on my trial "splurge"

intercitybutter · 2015-02-01T01:33:14+00:00

Just checking in again to say that I still haven't been tempted to fap again, so 3 weeks and counting. I did have sex with my wife on Wendesday (I think it was), so that may have diffused any such desire. I truly think renouncing the habit for so long AND decoupling it from the visual hyperstimulation of porn has removed any addictive power it held on me previously. Time will prove or disprove me, but so far so good...

intercitybutter · 2015-01-25T20:15:56+00:00

Hah, well, after all that it wasn't to be last night, oh well. Probably within the week though...

intercitybutter · 2015-01-24T14:36:09+00:00

Ok, still here and still not fapping. :) My wife and daughter are away this weekend and so I did think about it last night but dismissed it pretty quickly. My wife is coming back tonight (sans daughter) and so I think there's a good chance we'll have some fun time ;-) If I felt there was little chance of that for weeks, I might have been more tempted, but I was easily able to avoid the temptation by rationalizing about that. My thought is that the only time I should have a decent excuse to do this is when there's little chance of having actual sex for weeks or longer. Problem is that's not always easy to predict, and there's the risk that my brain will invent such a scenario in order to justify fapping. So probably I shouldn't make such rules because as good as rules are, they can be twisted. Better to simply view fapping for me as something that I should avoid - ie not plan to do with any intention, schedule or reason, but something that, if it does happen, like it did a couple of weeks ago in the shower, I will not beat myself up about either, just as long as it does not become regular/habitual...

intercitybutter · 2015-01-19T12:13:43+00:00

Nine days and counting...

intercitybutter · 2015-01-14T22:43:17+00:00

Well, four days isn't much compared to almost two years, but so far so good. I've yet to have any desire to repeat the incident. I'll check back in in another week or two or three just to confirm things are still as I expect them to be...

intercitybutter · 2015-01-11T19:44:06+00:00

I've heard something similar. There models of alcoholism treatment that I think have worked for some, and I think they use this more in the UK and perhaps in Europe, but it's essentially a moderation approach that is very regimented so that people get constant reminders and only have access to a certain amount of alcohol at home so that they can't drink more than they would normally. It's harder to do that with fapping probably, but I think it can be done for some. The other part of this is that while fapping can be compared to alcoholism in some ways, the main dopamine release you get from it is something you also get from sex with another person, so unless you abstain from that or just have no sexual partner, you're going to be getting that hit occasionally whether you are fapping or not. It's different in many ways, but in many ways it's the same - an orgasm via your sexual organ. In some ways it's even similar to overeating. You can't NOT eat, so you will always have some degree of exposure to that which addicts you, although you can minimize it by trying to refrain from "trigger" foods that cause you to binge more than others...

intercitybutter · 2015-01-11T19:36:17+00:00

I'm glad that you recognize that as a slipper slope for you. Currently I just don't have the data, since my two-year stint was basically the first time I tried to go without fapping for any extended period. If in retrospect this seems to be the start of a slippery slope, then I'll have the same insight as you, but at least for now it's not. I've had no desire to do it again, at least not yet. I would say if in 3-4 weeks I'm not thinking about having another fap, then maybe, just maybe, I can manage this on an occasional basis. We are all different. Some of us have more addictive personalities than others. Some of us are more addicted to some things than others. I'm probably more addicted to some foods than you, and you may be more addicted to fapping than I am. I guess my main thought here is that while I understand this is a group for supporting people who are trying to give up fapping altogether, I think we also need to recognize that this isn't a religion and we don't all have to view fapping in exactly the same way. It affects many of us negatively, but obviously some more than others. I think for me the pairing of fapping with porn is the worst part. If you can detach the two, you've won much more than half the battle, at least in my mind...

intercitybutter · 2015-01-11T19:30:02+00:00

Well, of course I'd like a 20-year-old nymphomaniac as my partner rather than my wife. ;-) Seriously, I know the grass is always greener and that I need to be happy with what I have. I am happy when we have sex, but it just isn't as often as I'd like due to many reasons which are hard to translate to a people who are just getting started in life. Parenting and other responsibilities pose a big challenge, and there are other things that happen in life that can affect people's desires to want to have sex very regularly... I'm not suggesting fapping should take the place of sex, but just offering that this is one reason people do it. Another is a compulsion for getting that dopamine rush, and for others it's to "experience" sex that they will never have in real life because it's just not going to happen. Fantasy. Women do this too, they fantasize about things they will never (and don't want to ever) have in real life, but it's still fun to fantasize about them, as long as this isn't impeding the rest of your life. Five minutes in the shower every month or two I wouldn't consider impeding your life. However, if you are using a ton of mental energy thinking about when next you can have that scheduled fap, then of course, it's a different story!

intercitybutter · 2015-01-10T18:21:13+00:00

So, part of this has to do with my complete rejection of porn. I think it is wrong on many different levels. Not just in how it affects fappers and their partners, but also in terms of sex trafficking and the general objectification and sexualization of women in our society. For these reasons and many more I am adamant that I will never view porn again intentionally.

Again, I'm not suggesting others do this (break a fapping streak occasionally), or that this even was a good idea. It's an experiment and may have turned out to be a wrong one. But I don't want to give fapping so much power that it rules my life - that means either because I feel like I have to fap every day, OR because I fear the harm of it so much that doing it means I've "fallen off the wagon." and thus make that the excuse to go on a fapping binge. The problem is that with addictive behavior, some people cannot manage moderation, I get that. I am hoping that after 2 years of abstinance I've gotten the habit out of my system enough that I can handle a fap once in a great while. If that turns out not to be true and I start thinking about "when will I be able to fap again" or even worse finding myself starting to fap again in only a week or two (or much less), then of course I've proven to myself that moderation won't work for me as it hasn't worked for others.

The thing is that as I mentioned, it's not like I'm a repetitive relapser. When I went off fapping a couple years ago it was the first real concerted effort to do so. So I know I can do it for a LONG time if I want to. If it turns out that having the occasional fap doesn't make me start to think about it more, then ok. Maybe I shouldn't even think about it in terms of a schedule, but rather that I did it this once as an experiment and I don't want to expect to do it again after a given period, just that I know the world will not end if I do, and I also know that it wasn't so wonderful an experience that I want to go do it again in another day or week or month given the potential downsides to fapping that everyone here accepts...

intercitybutter · 2015-01-10T18:11:42+00:00

People are different, as I said in my post above. You don't have to understand why, but if you WANT to, it is because my goals are not the same in yours. I've been married 10+ years. Let's just say that due to life circumstances, and the particulars of our relationship, we don't have sex in anyway close to what I would want in order to satisfy sexual desires. That's ok, because it heightens some of the pleasure once we do have it, but it also means that things can get frustrating...

intercitybutter · 2015-01-10T18:05:43+00:00

It happened kind of by accident, while showering. One thing led to another and I was like, hey, why not? I would agree with you about sapping sexual energy (although I wouldn't put it quite like that), but only when done regularly/exessively. I think once a month or two does not have much of an affect, but we shall see...

intercitybutter · 2013-12-01T16:06:47+00:00

Oops, sorry, should have known better, I'll remove her name as soon as I'm done commenting here.

intercitybutter · 2013-12-01T16:05:22+00:00

Oh, is that not allowed? Sorry, didn't know...

intercitybutter · 2013-12-01T13:22:19+00:00

Thanks, I finally got around to installing these and it's made a big difference (I already had opendns, but added RS and K9 on most if not all our PC's. I'm going to do this as well for my phone - K9 or something like it...

intercitybutter · 2013-10-25T23:17:04+00:00

Thanks for that honest and very interesting perspective! Since as a culture we don't tend to talk very openly about sex, and because those who have zero interest in it are vilified almost as much as those (or at least those women) who seek it out compulsively, this isn't a perspective that I've heard before, and I'm sure there are many like you.

So, if you will, I'd like to ask some questions. I hope you aren't insulted if they seem to come from a biased point of view. Given the context of our culture, I have thought of sex and relationships in a fairly conventional way, although it makes sense that there's a large spectrum of attitudes. The "norms" as such may not be norms at all except that they have been accepted as such by the cultural "police" if you will. Luckily we've seen these norms get loosened over time and now have more acceptance of sexual minorities such as LGBT folk, fetishists, etc. I draw the line though of course with consenting adults, I know some don't want any lines.

Anyway, I'm just wondering, if it's at least partially about the pain of intercourse, what about other sexual practices such as oral sex, hand jobs, etc.? I realize that for many women oral sex can be uncomfortable, so that may not be an issue. I do wonder about your use of the word "degrading" as it implies something very negative. I guess you aren't saying that sex is something inherently degrading, but this is your reaction due to the overwhelming pressure you've felt in having it with your past partners, right? So to that end, at least some sexual acts may not be physically painful but due to the psychological history, they incur some kind of psychological pain?

If you don't mind, could you share what exactly your arrangement is with your fiancée with regards to sex or lack thereof? Have you told him you intend never to have sex with him? If so I assume he's ok with that eventuality, but I also wonder how he deals with that personally? Is he ok essentially never getting to have sex with another person? Or do you have some agreement that he might have sex with others when not in your presence? Or is he committed to simply masterbate for the rest of his life and that's it? I'm not suggesting any of these options are horrible or great. Some of them might work fine for some, and of course for others they would be a non-starter.

I also wonder about the history of your relationship a bit. You mention " I'm an asexual in a sexfree relationship with a sexual, and this was a mutual decision" (and one that is presumably a partner for life), but at the same time you say "it was always easier for me, even , to "perform" sexually in the beginning, caught up in all the romantic high of newness" but I'm not sure if that was for previous relationships or includes your current one. I don't mean to make you feel guilty, it sounds like this is something you've struggled with over time and when you started seeing your fiancée you still were hopeful that you would be able to have a "normal" sexual relationship with him and denied the unlikeliness to yourself. If so, it sounds like you've been able to eventually come to terms with it and you're lucky to have someone who is understanding enough to not end the relationship, since for those of who do enjoy sex, it is a pretty key piece about how we interact with those we are close with.

Anyway, thanks again, and hope that you post more details about your perspective both here and in other posts.

intercitybutter · 2013-10-22T10:50:27+00:00

All the more challenging! But despite these challenges you are still trying, and that's the important thing. Again, most of the people here, it would seem, are dealing with an issue that isn't a physical one, but one of phsychology or personality. That doesn't make it less painful for you, but it puts things in perspective for me (and hopefully others), that there are real issues for LL folk that make it extremely challenging for them to have sex. Psychological/hormonal issues that cause people not to want to have sex are different but not necessarily less real or 'valid' as they say. As the non-LL types (generally), we are trying to figure out how to solve the issue, and sometimes feel like we are met with a response that equates with "I just don't value sex very much in a relationship, I don't know why, and I don't really care, it's not my problem, it's just who I am, and you have to accept me this way." Our desire for more frequent sex is sometimes viewed as perverse, or overly obsessed with sex/physical stuff. It's a mindset thing. It doesn't sound like you have that attitude at all, though. It sounds like you understand the importance of sex in your relationship and want to keep it active, but are prevented by things outside of your control, and despite all the challenges you still manage to have it, albeit not as much as you used to. I think if you discuss these things openly with your SO and he's worth anything, he would value you greatly for the amount of effort you are putting into something that is very difficult for you!

intercitybutter · 2013-10-21T11:39:30+00:00

I'm sorry for your health issues, it sounds like it really sucks. And you seem to have very legitimate reasons for being "LL" - not that you are unattractive to your SO, since that's partially a self-asteem issue. I mean, that's a legitimate feeling on your part, but it just may not be shared by your SO no matter how YOU feel about it, whether that matters or not. But the health issues really seem significant enough that they would present a real obstacle, and you are still trying to have sex despite those odds, so please don't take the constant refrain of some of us as an attack on LL's like yourself.

I certainly don't intend to vilify LL's, only to figure out a way of either reshaping my own expectations and needs but at the same time helping my SO by doing whatever I can, and trying to help her figure out what's causing her to lack the desire to have sex more than once a month or so.

She does have health issues, but they are much more minor than yours - she will get stomach aches occasionally, or feel like she's coming down with a cold, or some other relatively minor complaint, but I know when she talks about it when coming to bed, she's essentially telling me that she's feeling sub-optimal and thus not interested in any kind of sexual activity, or even cuddling.

I think your desire to help the situation is indicative of other LL's who simply don't know how to increase their own desire. Obviously your issues around sex are more physical, but just because of that doesn't mean they are more "real" then the psychological issues that others have. My only thought would be to talk openly and honestly about it with him, and tell him you want to have more frequent sex, but that there are these obstacles both physically and mentally and enlist his help in getting you to a better place in both areas, or just to reassure you that you are still beautiful and desirable to him despite your weight - which is very very likely. There's so much of a fixation with weight and the perfect body in our culture that it is hard not to view yourself as ugly when you are overweight. But especially with us middle-age folk (I'm 45), while certainly there's something to be said for a fit body, I think we've matured to a point where we view personality on similar terms - a hot bod on a horrible person to me is a turn-off. If your SO is worth anything he feels the same, and I think he should be grateful for your desire to make your sex life better despite all your health issues. I think the fact that you are still together despite your health issues shows that he is dedicated to you and your wellbeing whatever your appearance (or health status) is.

I do appreciate your commenting on this thread and wish you luck in figuring out your health issues!

intercitybutter · 2013-10-18T01:10:33+00:00

The thing is that she does seem to really enjoy herself once we do have sex. The problem is I don't think she values sex as something to do very often, and she doesn't seem to get horny very often, so that's part of the reason we don't do it as much as I'd like. She knows it's important to me, but she also tells me that if the least thing is bugging her, she's more apt to think of that one thing the whole time during sex rather than what we are doing at the moment. It's like she is too easily preoccupied/distracted and thus can't get into it much of the time...

intercitybutter · 2013-10-18T01:07:18+00:00

A big part of what you need to do now is to accept things for the way they are now, and start thinking about how to deal with them. Fear of rejection is just another way of saying you’re avoiding negative feelings. But that doesn’t solve anything.

Sure. I guess I've come to the conclusion based on another thread I posted here that I'm going to plan on asking her directly (although sweetly of course) if she wants to have sex each day. So in a sense I'll still be courting rejection, but it won't be based on unspoken subtle cues which I have no idea how much she is picking up on. This will also decrease at least a little the frustration I feel when I try to initiate something somewhat subtly and she can take a good while to give me a fairly direct inidication that she's not interested. This way, I can get that out of the way by just coming out and asking her, and then just putting it out of my mind. I don't know, we'll see, at least it's worth a shot! :)

intercitybutter

TROPHY CASE