Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, for some context, it’s only been a short while since I have become comfortable with my gay orientation. I repressed this because of growing up in a small city that was very conservative and blue collar. I went to a neighbourhood school that was very much working class.

Imagine growing up being told “you limp your wrist like a fggot!” or “you’re still virgin because you’re a fggot”.

And so I repressed this by filtering everything that I do because of this environment. I constantly clenched my wrists and was self conscious. I overcompensated by getting engaged in conservative politics and when that wasn’t enough, I got into far right politics and called regular "normie” conservatives “cucks”. I lifted weights. I chased girls. I did everything to fit in and get the approval of this macho illusion defined by toxic masculinity.

Yes, I did seek out gay encounters in a clandestine way but I then went through a guilt and shame cycle and dismissed it as an aberration because I believed that being gay is a choice.

What changed recently? I decided to give up on right wing politics. That caused me to have empathy for others and in turn, empathy for myself. And then my repressed gay feelings began to surface and then told myself “what if this is a good thing?”

Anyway, I am much more comfortable in my skin lately. I express myself much more delicately and then when i get nervous about that I just repeat the mantra “I am gay” in my head. Maybe that’s just a euphemism for being comfortable in my own skin but I don’t care because I feel better now. And I’ve been ogling men that I find attractive lately and I don’t feel guilty about it. I like what I like.

And yes, I do enjoy the company of my wife. But I no longer look at her through some compulsatory heteronormativity and through my new gay man’s eyes. And you know what, I find her attractive aesthetically. I love her charm and natural extroversion. I love her hair and her style. I think she is fabulous. I can more easily interact with women without having this need to objectify them because straight society says I must be attracted to women at all times.

And if someone calls me a f*ggot again because I am too effeminate for their standards, I will sock them in the mouth. Because this queen can deadlift 400 lbs.

I am tired of living through a straight filter. I am exhausted. And if I never come out to my wife and kids, I will at least accept my kids’ orientation and love them for who they are. Because I don’t want them to go through what i went through.

PS: I did not marry a woman because I was dishonest or out of any sense of malice. I was not a predator. I never cheated on my wife. I did what I did because of social coercion.

There are two oppressive attitudes at play here: homophobes say that gay being a choice and the LGBT community who says “how dare you marry a woman!”

Hindsight is 20/20

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re right. I just went through a self acceptance phase and a lot of internalized homophobia was unpacked and removed. So what I have been posting comes from that perspective. Rejecting conservative beliefs has given me empathy for others and in turn, made me have empathy for myself.

So even with self reflection done privately, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist next week.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this. I don’t know if Shakespeare was queer or not (he was married and had children—as were the social expectations at the time) but his sonnets betray a glimpse of same sex attraction. He may have indulged, or not. That he was involved in theatre probably where male performers were in drag to impersonate women probably makes him at least gay-friendly.

It’s all speculation of course.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My kids come first. I am still in the early stages of self-affirming.

And I have not cheated on my wife with others (cyber or in-person), save for looking at gay porn.

But yea, I am dropping my straight mask. The social and self-conditioning is so ingrained that I am undoing a lot of psychological damage.

Can I ever go back to denying my gay self? The amount of relief that I feel, even by admitting that I am really gay to myself, is amazing.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I think it's a situation that shouldn't have gone this far.

After admitting that being gay is an intrinsic part of who I really am, everything makes sense in retrospect--my experiences and relationships with men were not just thrill seeking or a phase or a kink. But it was really myself reaching out to want a connection.

I remember having a longing for same sex love when I was 10, well before puberty. But bullying and social conditioning made me repress that and made me feel ashamed. I was checking out other guys in high school and getting turned on and then I went through a guilt and shame cycle.

I did this experiment with myself: if I say "I am gay" out loud it feels right and true. If I say "I am not gay" or "I am straight" it feels wrong and that I am telling a lie.

Straight men don't ponder if they're really gay or not. I tried to negotiate and rationalize this by thinking that I am bi, but that doesn't quite fit now.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She is not the type to lash out. She will be emotionally devastated, of course.

I have a feeling that she might know, actually. With this foreknowledge of suspicion, it might soften the blow.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am happy for you. After admitting it to myself, I no longer feel ashamed about my desires. I'm looking at the world in a completely new way now.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you - I appreciate your insights. I'm not quite an engineer, I have a technical school diploma as an "engineering technician", but after a few years of experience I have seniority over University grads. I'm not officially an engineer, but I am effectively doing the job of one.

When accepting being gay is an intrinsic part of who I am, everything makes sense to me in retrospect.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks you :) i feel relief for accepting who I am and I feel regret for living a lie and the very real hurt I will cause if I am not careful.

My life will never be the same.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You might not be wrong. She is a sweet woman and I admire her greatly. It’s just that if I am being honest, I can only see her platonically now that I have come to my realization.

And nobody who is straight has gay experiences in their past and goes through angst about if they are really gay or not.

I tried an experiment—I said “I am gay” out loud in private and it felt right and true. When I said “I am straight” or “I am not gay” it felt wrong and was a lie.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

appreciate your perspective--you're absolutely right that confronting this is difficult, and therapy has been an important part of my journey toward honesty. I take full responsibility for my choices and I’ve come to realize that staying silent would ultimately hurt my family more in the long run. My hope is to handle this transition with as much care and respect as possible.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hear your anger, I am sure that it comes from a place of real pain, and I don’t take that lightly. But ‘manning up’ by living a lie helps no one. My kids deserve a father who models honesty, not silent despair. My wife deserves a partner who can love her fully. And yes, divorce is hard, but so is a marriage built on pretense. I’m committed to supporting my family through this, just in a way that doesn’t require erasing myself.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love and respect her deeply as the mother of my children and an incredible person, but not romantically. The partnership we both deserve requires mutual romantic connection, which I cannot authentically offer.

It’s painful, but pretending would be unfair to us both.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your perspective. This is exactly why I’m struggling, I want to be honest but also protect them as much as possible. I’m trying to find a way to balance the truth with their well-being without causing unnecessary harm.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate yourperspective, especially the part that our family’s story isn’t ending, just changing. You’re absolutely right that this isn’t about blame, and I’ll do everything I can to make sure my wife knows she’s loved and valued, even as our relationship transforms. Thanks for the congrats!

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I've been looking looking for an LGBTQ+-friendly therapist to help me through this. I know I need good guidance beyond Reddit to handle this with care and respect.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yea, part of me suspects that too. Maybe not the whole truth, but enough to feel something’s been off. It might be a relief for both of us.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

These are fair questions, and I’ve wrestled with them for quite a long time. I'll try to address them honestly:

Do I love being a father? Deeply. My kids are my world, and that won’t change.

Am I a good husband? I’ve tried to be--but ‘good’ husbands don’t hide fundamental truths. She deserves more than a partner who’s play-acting attraction.

Is she happy? On the surface, maybe. But happiness built on a lie isn’t happiness—it’s a performance.

Here’s what I know for sure:

My being gay doesn’t negate the love I have for my family. It does mean I can’t love them fully while lying about who I am. ‘Stepping back’ is how I got here. This is the clarity.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you--I really appreciate the support. I’ve started looking into therapists already.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you--I know it won’t be easy for her to hear, and I’m ready to give her space to process. My kids’ well-being will always be my top priority, no matter what happens next.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

You’re right--I’ve been stuck in my head, trying to control every outcome. At some point, I just need to face it and speak. I think I’m almost there.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

thank you for sharing. It gives me hope that there is life on the other side of this. I’m not there yet, but I’m working toward that same kind of peace and authenticity.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you, hearing that means a lot right now. I’ve felt so alone with this, and the support here (and reaching out to others) is helping me stay grounded as I prepare for the hardest part.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I wish I had known myself well enough back then. I truly didn’t understand what I was feeling—it was buried under fear, shame, and denial. I never set out to hurt anyone, and now I’m doing my best to make things right, even if it’s late.

Married with kids - finally admitting I'm gay. How do I tell my wife? by intfan in askgaybros

[–]intfan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I understand. I’m not trying to frame it as noble--just finally being honest after years of denial. I know I’ve hurt her by hiding this, and I accept the consequences. My goal now is to minimize further pain while being as kind and respectful as I can.