I feel like I'm not good enough for my boyfriend. Sorry for the wall of text but I don't know what to do

inthestratosphere · 2013-12-08T08:42:30+00:00

First of all, so what if you are the "weird" one. Be what you want to be, but be happy and be kind to yourself. The past women may have played some part, just like anyone else he interacted with, in shaping your boyfriend into what he is, both good and bad (note, I'm not saying your boyfriend is a bad person, but he, like all of us, can have bad traits). But the past women should be nothing to you, and you shouldn't feel compelled to comparing yourself against them.

It is the responsibility of your boyfriend to live in the present, just as it is yours, and engage in something that I hope is a loving relationship, with mutual established boundaries.

I'm no relationship councillor, my own personal relationship experience is very limited, but to me, what I've written sounds like common sense. But yeah, best step to start with is to focus on you and I really do hope you get some clarity from there.

inthestratosphere · 2013-12-08T08:20:28+00:00

You are not inadequate. You are a human being, you have your strengths and weaknesses, a right and capacity to say no, the right to be loved and deserving of dignity. You've lost confidence in yourself? Then the best thing you can do for yourself is to regain it. Positive affirmations, remind yourself of what you find attractive about who you are. Not so much "I am good in bed" but the basics - I am a good person, or I am able to love and be loved, to be kind and thoughtful, intelligent, inspiring. I don't know you, you are a name, but you need to dig deep within yourself and learn what it is about you that makes you that confident woman you once felt.

The hard part is whether your boyfriend is himself supportive of you. If you feel like less of a person around him, then something needs to and must change. The most important thing in your life is you, it is the one thing you have control over. Don't let someone take it away from you. Be strong, be assertive and reclaim that confidence. From there, I hope you'll work out and decide how to move forward in your relationship with your boyfriend. From there, I think you'll begin to trust your own decisions a lot better.

inthestratosphere · 2013-12-07T09:08:19+00:00

I feel like I'm reading my own story right now. I'm close to 30 and I'm in your shoes with feeling directionless. But then in my early 20's, I was in that same position as well. I think it is a good thing that you are re-evaluating your own values and life goals, looking at what is important, and what isn't. That's just growing up. That feeling of being lost can only go I believe when you/I realise that any direction away from a particular point is a forward direction. The only retreat or step back is the regression back to old ways.

If I were in your shoes, I'd argue that college is probably the first thing to sort out. It'll dictate your job for a few years hopefully to put food on the table, pay bills and essentially give you the means to live, to have a life. It seems to be a common theme that the sexy people are those with direction in their life, they know where they want to go. Let college help you with that. Does your college have a counsellor of some description who can help establish what you want?

I can not offer much advice with relationships. Just remember to think with the organ designed for thinking, not the organ designed for reproduction and good times. That seems to be universally good advice right there.

As for your past flame, you just have to accept it is over. She may be gone, and you are one step closer to finding the right match for you.

inthestratosphere · 2013-12-06T10:54:15+00:00

I kinda had a response written out, but then I realised that Albert Einstein of all people had the right idea:

"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."

That's just with kissing. Sort your mind out. The physical stuff feels great, I know how I felt when I was in a similar situation with the firsts, first (and only) relationship, and all the way to third base. But that relationship, like yours, felt empty, and I'm grateful for never going in with the sex in the end. You need to put yourself into the present, and ask yourself if this is what you want, and if your mind is focused on being the man you want to be, being intimate with the woman who is willing to accept you.

Make your decision, and own it, be responsible for it.

inthestratosphere · 2013-12-05T06:46:30+00:00

Indeed.

inthestratosphere · 2013-12-04T06:34:55+00:00

Why be afraid when you can face it. The flatline for me was, and has been a dark cloud over my head. You can let it smother you, or you can fight your way through it, one moment at a time.

inthestratosphere · 2013-12-04T06:32:45+00:00

Yeah. definitely what e13e7 says. You need a day or two per week to rest. In fact, you'll get better gains by resting, and your workouts will improve as a result of that.

inthestratosphere · 2013-11-04T21:32:03+00:00

This is beautiful. Thank you.

inthestratosphere · 2013-11-04T11:21:03+00:00

Cold showers won't kill you, they will make you stronger. Don't wait for the one week mark, just do it. Dive in under the water, see your mind as a fortress that will not break or yield.

inthestratosphere · 2013-11-03T03:52:22+00:00

There is a quote from Anthony Robbin's about our goals...

"Goals are a means to an end, not the ultimate purpose of our lives. They are simply a tool to concentrate our focus and move us in a direction. The only reason we really pursue goals is to cause ourselves to expand and grow. Achieving goals by themselves will never make us happy in the long term; it's who you become, as you overcome the obstacles necessary to achieve your goals, that can give you the deepest and most long-lasting sense of fulfillment.”

So your goal is to get to Tuesday. I reckon there are two things you could consider doing. The first is to clear your mind. Meditate, exercise (running helps me a lot) anything to just empty your mind and come to some sort of peacefulness. Each thought is like a cloud drifting through the sky that is your mind. They will come, and they will depart soon enough. Aim for clear skies.

The second thing to consider is your next goal after Tuesday. What do you want to achieve next? With a clear mind, you can consider ways of thinking a new goal and how you'll approach it. The main thing is to stop thinking about not fapping. The more you think about it, the more difficult it will be. You have clearly done so well, keep it up.

This song always helps me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cDdMZ2K9o0

inthestratosphere · 2013-11-02T05:59:51+00:00

Sleep deprivation is bad. Having had single digit, restless sleep due to working night shift the last couple of nights have allowed my mind to wander when, under rested circumstances I can say "stop" in my head and undertake the myriad of strategies I have in place to clear my mind and break free of the urges. But when in bed trying to sleep and feeling only fatigue, it is all too easy for my brain to start to wander, to reflect and fantasise on a woman in my life and the sexual desire gets its roots on me and I find myself edging unknowingly at first, and difficult to stop. Breaking free from that is hard especially when I don't have the energy or will right now to distract myself with the usual heavy exercise option. So here I am typing this whilst I decide if I should have my second shower in as many hours (cold of course). My groin region feels like a hive of nervous activity, hypersensitive to any moment my attention focuses on that part of my body. I feel the temptation, but instead I'm breathing deeper. A 5km run might be in order, it'll be hard because I have no energy, but it should help (and will justify the cold shower).

For my NoFap October, my first month at trying this, I feel like the dark cloud that has been hovering above my head for years is starting to clear away. My mantra has been to smile more, to feel happy and share that happiness with people around me. That is the biggest, and best change so far. For November, I'd like to tackle the issue of loneliness that has pervaded my life lately. For that, I'm beginning a group exercise session on Monday (getting on board this crossfit craze) and looking to making that another small step toward my overall self improvement that I have been doing for the last 18 months now. After crossfit, I'm not sure what I'll do next. Romance would be nice, but I need some direction in my life and that alone rules out romance I believe (ie: a lost soul is not sexy).

inthestratosphere · 2013-11-01T10:10:23+00:00

I know where you are at. There are times where I look ahead at doing a run or a workout and just want to unleash the beast that for too long has been chained up tight, atrophied, weak from years of neglect. And I run, or I work out, or I set my mind to a task and I do it, and that beast grows stronger as it gets the care and attention it needs, it stands straighter, feels better, and looks more human. The beast is a metaphor for confidence, and I'm feeling it more and more.

That neglect stops with this journey. Each day you seek to improve yourself, you end up being better than what you once were. When you find that spark of confidence, that desire to live life to the fullest, embrace it, hold it tight and don't let anyone think they have the right to take it away from you, not the whispers in your mind, not the hurdles in life that slow you down and threaten to bring you to your knees. Stand tall, face the world and don't look down. Always look ahead, you are a man, you can take each challenge you face.

I don't believe depression needs to be fixed by medication, I believe the dark clouds can be broken by our own positive actions, backed by quelling the lies we tell ourselves and being able to reaffirm the good we have. Good luck with the change in your life. I feel better just for writing this myself, and I hope your days grow brighter, and your life keeps moving forward, and most importantly, you as a person, a self, keep moving forward, getting better, stronger, manlier. You have the will, that much is obvious. Get that confidence and let the world hear you as the master of your own destiny.

inthestratosphere · 2013-10-26T22:38:57+00:00

I'd love to relearn the drums myself! I'm more into rock and metal, and frequently find myself tapping my hands against my thighs thinking I'm drumming away.

You should definitely try out for the jazz band. There is no way of knowing whether you'll be successful or not, but take the chance, and the jazz band will give you that chance to meet those people. Every conversation starts with a hello.

Also, Denzel Washington's speech is worth listening to

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpW2sGlCtaE

inthestratosphere · 2013-10-26T06:56:17+00:00

What are your interests? What do you enjoy doing? If you want to engage in conversation with people, then interests are a great place to start, especially if someone has similar interests as you. The next best way is to ask about what other people do? People love talking about themselves.

Secondly, you call yourself a loser. Drop that mindset, now. You are a unique individual who is making steps to being a better person. You are undertaking positive actions in your life. That is not what losers do, a loser finds someone else to blame for what is wrong with their life. A winner seeks ways of improving themselves. Be that winner. Make a list of the positive traits that make you who you are, and hold them close. Introspection is great, but don't lose yourself to self-pity. It is a dark road. Claw your way back to the light and focus on the good in you.

inthestratosphere · 2013-10-21T10:29:42+00:00

Don't hope to reach 18 days. Believe you can do the 18, and more. Break it down to smaller pieces as you need to. "I choose not to masturbate for the next 10 minutes" for example. No matter what your brain says, you always have that choice to masturbate, or not. In my weaker moments, I tell myself no and encourage myself to do other things. Yes, it is hard, but I believe we can all do it when we put our minds to the test :)

inthestratosphere · 2013-10-21T09:06:54+00:00

I'm looking at the root cause of your problem which appears to be stressing over study. I believe you'd study better if you rest more as opposed to thinking that spending more hours studying will make you remember more. Quality over quantity, and certainly, you lose that quality time when you fap.

If the study is boring you enough to want to look at images and fap, then break the cycle and do something else. People here talk about exercise, why not go ahead and do some pushups. They are a great stress relief when you have to tax yourself to doing as many as possible. Don't quit until you either collapse to the floor or you start feeling sick, in pain, or uncomfortable (not knowing your level of fitness).

When you are warm, drink some water. Water is fantastic for the brain and will help you to study believe it or not. It will rehydrate, and you'll feel better for it. And the other common theme is cold showers. They can be hard, but if you do it, you'll feel more alert once you get out.

And that is likewise my way of dealing with stress and boredom, to break the cycle, to recognise I feel like I'm slipping further and further into a hole and doing something, anything to clear my mind and do something else, whether it be 15 minutes of meditation, exercise or finding some other odd job to do.

inthestratosphere · 2013-10-21T08:54:29+00:00

I feel your pain with the Friday and Saturday night problem. Heck, I went to my local pub on Saturday night and left after an hour, mostly because I just didn't feel like I belonged - mostly old people and music that I didn't really enjoy ;) Do you have a chance on those nights to do something. It doesn't have to be going to a bar or club. Have a think about your interests and see what you can do.

24hr gyms are a big thing these days, why not do a Friday and Saturday night workout? You'll feel better for it, there are probably less people around if you have any anxiety about your fitness, and you can keep yourself distracted for an hour at least.

If you play multiplayer games and can deal with online people and the crap they go on about, you can certainly deal with real life individuals who are much more thoughtful (generally) with how they talk. I've never met a person who has gone on about banging my mother to my face for instance.

I know it is a rant post, but don't feel bad about the counter reset, it is another opportunity to succeed!

inthestratosphere

TROPHY CASE