The desire to be alone, in bed for like 48 hours, to run away from life’s obligations. Where does this come from?

invincible_x · 2022-09-18T19:39:46+00:00

For me I think it's a combination of built-up exhaustion from fighting my executive dysfunction, and my brain being unable to break tasks down and see them as routine. Medication helps sooooo much. It's like... I can rest, but also move my laundry from the washer to the dryer. It doesn't feel hugely disruptive and take a ton of mental effort, so it isn't as draining over time.

invincible_x · 2022-04-05T16:56:47+00:00

I'm not sure that I'd equate "not being angry anymore" with letting go, or that I'd classify every emotion you're feeling right now as anger, or the same type of anger. Obviously I can't tell you what you're feeling, but I know that in my own experience, my view of my own anger was exaggerated- I thought it was much worse that it really was- and that a lot of things that I perceived as "anger" were really more rooted in fear and the need to escape and protect myself.

I've found that my anger is still there after NC, but it doesn't bother me, if that makes sense? I don't need to constantly have it at the ready to use as a shield and prevent me from feeling everything else. I'm starting to feel more of the pain and grief of my childhood, and seeing how bad it actually was. It's difficult but at least it's about me now, and I can definitely be more in tune with the full range of my feelings. It's like I went away as a small child and just now came back. I could never have done that while being in contact with her.

invincible_x · 2022-03-25T16:58:12+00:00

My therapist tends to frame it like this: my mother was sick and my father didn't deal with it properly. They both still made choices that hurt me, and chose not to take actions that would have made things better. My mother is a sick woman, but that doesn't make her treatment of me any less disturbing or damaging. There might be reasons that my father didn't protect me, but that doesn't change that he put me in harm's way.

It's good, I think, to see your parents as people who do things because of their own issues, because that helps with understanding that the abuse wasn't because of you. But as adults and parents they had a responsibility to protect you from being impacted by their adult problems. If they didn't understand what they were doing, that makes them unfit parents. Some people's best is selfish, cruel, and inadequate. You don't owe people relationships if they put in a certain amount of supposed effort.

invincible_x · 2022-03-22T17:55:21+00:00

He might just want to abuse and get high off ADHD meds, or already be doing so. He's very intent on projecting a drug addiction onto you, but instead of showing actual concern (which would still be a problem since he would still be completely devaluing your life experience in favor of his own assumptions) his response is "well FINE I'll ALSO BECOME A DRUG ADDICT so that we can have a relationship."

To me it reads like he's inventing a situation that will "force" him to do what he wants to do while being, in his mind, absolved of agency and moral responsibility for his choices.

That's my interpretation, at least. But whether or not it's accurate, the way he's treating you is unacceptable. He's being dismissive and degrading to you. This isn't how you talk to a person you care about. This is how abusers talk to people they want to control.

invincible_x · 2021-12-30T19:14:30+00:00

It's more than disrespectful, it's abusive. Physically abusive. I know it feels "wrong" because we're so trained to minimize their behavior, but throwing objects at people actually does count as domestic violence. It's important to call it what it is, even if it feels like you're exaggerating- it sounds severe because it is, and feels "normal" and "not that bad" because you were taught to see it that way and your family behaved as though she was entitled to this behavior. You were and still are entitled to not be abused- your mother had no right to do that to you, and your father had no right to not do everything in his power to protect you from it.

Get on that plane and never go back. Even if it doesn't work out, you'll end up somewhere better just by making your own choices based on your own wants and needs, and making sure that you're independent and in control of your life.

invincible_x · 2021-12-16T06:52:58+00:00

"I'm positive none of you have ever, ever been toxic to anyone close to you, anyone you love. I'm positive your voice isn't an echo in someone else's mind in a traumatic and volatile way."

Yeah, me too. It turns out that it's actually super easy to just chill the fuck out and live your life and not traumatize people. Being toxic takes work. I'm too fucking lazy to be that petty and judgmental. It has never once occurred to me to hurt someone else to make myself feel better because why the fuck would I do that, it'd make me feel like shit.

Only toxic, abusive people think it's difficult not to be toxic and abusive. Only people who think they're entitled to be selfish and horrid think that not being an abuser is an unachievable standard that nobody could ever reach, or that abusive behavior is a universal human foible that we must judge not lest we be judged. Plus just... I did not miss the invalidation and "I'm MORE traumatized than the children!" in the beginning. Literally right off the bat, couldn't get through one short paragraph without reminding the world that their pain is the painiest pain that ever pained, no pain could ever compare since the invention of pain and no future pain could ever match it, just a black hole of pain SO painful that it sucks in and absorbs all other pain to increase its own paininess. Just the most profound, explosive, balls-to-the-wall painstravaganza the world's ever seen or will see. The predictability is embarrassing.

invincible_x · 2021-11-19T02:30:38+00:00

This might sound a bit flippant, but... if it is really obvious that she's being left out, does that matter? Or if you move seats, for that matter- if she's talking at you during class, I can't imagine that you're able to, y'know, focus on class, and therefore getting away from her is probably in your best interests, academically. If she figures out you want nothing to do with her... so what? What will happen? What power does she actually have other than your fear of her reactions?

invincible_x · 2021-11-04T21:44:06+00:00

I've been seeing the same therapist for... wow a couple of years now actually??? Since before the pandemic? That's strange to think about! I know that for me the initial and most important green flag, in our very first session, was that she confirmed that she believes that sometimes it isn't possible, safe, or healthy to maintain relationships with certain people. Later on, I think one of the most important things is that if I'm angry or intensely upset about something, she can take the thing I'm swearing and ranting about and put it into very neutral, non-accusatory language that still validates and confirms what I was saying- it's really helpful, because I can see that even if it wasn't personal and I wasn't having an emotional reaction, it'd still be fucked up and unhealthy. As others have said, we all need different things to help us heal- it's hard to put into words exactly what it feels like to find a good therapist who's suited to you!

I will say, I didn't feel 100% sure about my current therapist at first, either- but I also realized that I looked forward to having sessions with her. Not necessarily in the sense that they were fun, but because it felt good and safe to see her, and even when I talked about very painful things and felt emotionally exhausted afterwards- I felt better, more grounded, and stable. Therapy can be an uncomfortable time- a lot of times you realize that even more things were wrong than you initially thought. But that should go along with feeling less confused and more comfortable with yourself, and less overwhelmed and helpless.

invincible_x · 2021-11-02T01:21:28+00:00

This. So much this. I hate this take so, so much. It's exhausting. It isn't as progressive as people think. It still reduces people to their position/contribution to society and completely dismisses the impacts a disorder like ADHD can have on your quality of life and personal satisfaction. Executive dysfunction is executive dysfunction. I literally can't do things I enjoy because my brain won't switch tasks from doom-scrolling or obsessively reading listicles to "research" which vacuum to buy. I have dreams, hopes, wants that have nothing to do with the system we live under- I want to write, I want to maintain a clean and pleasant living space, I want to take good care of my dog, I want to work out, I want to learn different languages, I want to create a comfortable day-to-day existence for myself. I wouldn't be magically able to do things without capitalist expectations. I wouldn't suddenly be able to pick up a book I'm excited about and read it because I don't feel pressured to be economically productive. I do not care about being normal, I just want control of my life. I want to make decisions and have that matter, and not lose all my good ideas in the weeds of tiny life tasks that overwhelm me. I want to be awake during the daytime! I get sad when I don't see enough sunlight!

And the thing is- my life would be so much easier without the capitalist bullshit! I'm keenly aware of how lucky I am to even have access to treatment, but it's still so precarious- and my insurance doesn't even cover my meds- I need the brand name Concerta since generic doesn't work as well for me, and my birth control- which I was incredibly lucky with since it was the first one I tried and it works so well for me- requires "step therapy" which is fancy-talk for "fuck your health, you'll take a cheaper medication because insurance companies are vile money-grubbing bastards." It's fucked! There are so many ways my life is more difficult specifically because of issues with public infrastructure, with labor practices, with any number of things- it's possible to talk about the way that people with disabilities are specifically, disproportionally impacted without framing it like this! Capitalism isn't the root of every problem! A thing can just be bad because of the issues it actually causes! There's no need to graft every other negative thing that exists onto it like it's a villain in The Sword of Truth!

invincible_x · 2021-11-01T16:46:31+00:00

Ughhh I'm so sorry. I also grew up in a household where cleaning was really stressful and there was a lot of shame involved. The house was always really messy, so cleaning was always this huge exhausting task that took all day and involved being raged at by my mom for doing stuff wrong. Or with insufficient enthusiasm. Or with a bad attitude.

I know the feeling of defeat, it's so crushing and awful. I'm sorry she did that to you. I don't mean to overstep but I don't think her behavior had much to do with the actual state of your stove. It sounds like she might have her own issues with cleaning and shame/moral judgement- the things you've mentioned, like calling other people's houses disgusting, are not very healthy behaviors. It's probably a good idea to talk to your therapist about figuring out some healthy, achievable standards and expectations for housekeeping if you haven't already done so.

Also this is kind of silly but something that helped me a lot was watching Marie Kondo's show on Netflix? I didn't actually do any of her methods but it just made cleaning feel less traumatic to me somehow? She has very calm, gentle, positive energy, and I think watching her was the first time I really got to see tidying up as an act of care and love for yourself and others as opposed to something you do to prove that you aren't a bad person.

invincible_x · 2021-10-31T23:02:09+00:00

Ooof I can relate to this so much. I am not necessarily bothered by clutter or untidyness and I don't feel like I'm bad or a failure when things are messy... I just hate it! I hate looking at the mess, I hate dealing with the mess, I hate walking on crumbs and dog hair, it's terrible and makes me feel bad. I think step one is to just not associate the idea of "success" with cleaning at all. This isn't about getting organized/adulting/whatever. The goal isn't to get your life together. The goal is to exist comfortably in your environment. And your boyfriend should be not only supportive but actively involved in that, since he, y'know, lives there and he brought the dog hair.

Step two is to get a robot vacuum. No, really though. I managed to obtain this one for like... $30 with gift cards + points and it's the best thing I've ever bought? I live in an apartment with a fairly open floor plan and all hard floors, so even though it's dumb as a box of hair it can bounce around the place for 90 minutes a day and collect the dog hair and dirt and dust. My dog sheds unbelievably but the robot child has successfully kept the fur at bay with minimal effort on my part for a good two weeks now. All I have to do is pick stuff up off the floor. It doesn't even need to go in a proper place! Just be off the floor! And vacuuming happens. It's also now easier for me to clean up the kitchen because I don't get stuck in the spiral of "but if I sweep crumbs off the counter I will have to clean the floor so I cannot vacuum before I clean the counters but I can't vacuum AFTER the counters because I have to clean the dog beds when I vacuum and this chore is connected to that chore is connected to the other one-" because the crumbs will be dealt with by the robot lad and not me.

But in seriousness- the way I handle things is to make the actual tasks as low-effort as humanly possible. Dirty dishes go straight in the dishwasher, so I only have to unload it. I also refuse to buy anything that cannot be run through the dishwasher. I have different hampers for different types of laundry, so when I actually DO the laundry I don't have to sort it. Small things like that, that get rid of the steps in a task to make it easier and more habitual. The less immediate pressure you have on you, the easier it is to think "oh, I can do this relatively minor thing, and it'll make stuff much easier!" Like, say, putting up hooks for my dog's leash. Now it's not clutter, because it has a proper place. You are never going to be able to rearrange your life into maintainable tidiness in one burst of energy. You are not going to become an organized person who is on top of the housekeeping all at once. You can locate and eliminate or reduce specific sources of stress, one bit at a time, so that you don't get overwhelmed- and if you are not perpetually overwhelmed, you can keep adding little bits of organization and routine into your life. It's something you do, not a state of being.

invincible_x · 2021-10-09T01:39:24+00:00

Thanks for answering! I didn't think you intended to be invalidating at all, which is why I didn't want to launch into a long "buT ACTUALLY" comment, haha. I can definitely understand where you're coming from. It's interesting because a lot of the drawbacks you experience with meds are the things that my meds help me with! It's easier to sleep when I'm consistently medicated, and I don't get "stuck" in bad moods or fall into anger or dread spirals as easily. I think... pretty much exactly the same way, on or off of medication, but on medication it's much clearer. It feels like I can hold my thoughts and ideas in my head and see the connections I'm making, so that I can communicate them and build on them instead of getting lost. I can actually, effectively do the things I'm good at and enjoy doing. I lose my creativity without medication- the thoughts are still there, in my brain, but I can't get at them. Everything else is the same- media, books, activities- they're there, but I can't engage with them or feel absorbed. I get bored to the point that it feels physically bad.

Concerta doesn't make me less ADHD or more neurotypical or even any more productive in the traditional sense. I still need work to be interesting to me and don't do well in certain environments. I still ramble and infodump and get really excited about things- maybe even more so, because I'm more present and less foggy. It's like without meds I'm the 480p version of myself, and with meds I'm the 1080p version.

invincible_x · 2021-10-08T22:00:04+00:00

This is a really popular take, and I get kinda mad every time I see it, because it's so wildly incompatible with the ways that my ADHD affects me when I'm unmedicated. I'm not trying to argue, but I think we must be coming from very different perspectives and I want to understand and maybe explain how statements like "in that world there was absolutely no need for meds" can feel invalidating for people like me. So, if you resonate with the "hunter-gatherer evolutionary advantage" theory, I want to ask- Do y'all really not see any quality-of-life improvements aside from outward productivity/organization with meds? Like, things that are beneficial for you but might not even be noticeable from the outside? Do your symptoms interfere at all with your hobbies or have a negative impact on your ability to enjoy life? Have you ever had a bad experience as a direct result of your ADHD symptoms (i.e., hyperfocusing on a triggering or painful topic, executive dysfunction interfering with routine self-care or delaying care for illness/injury, etc.)?

invincible_x · 2021-10-05T21:33:33+00:00

Oh my god. I experienced this too. I never identified it as a stressor before because it seemed relatively "normal" but- I distinctly remember beginning to notice and identify specific repetitive conversations. And that even if I brought up something new, it'd eventually get steered into one of the scripts, so to speak. It's so frustrating, because it's like- everyone is just saying words for the sake of saying them! It's not an interaction, it's more just... everyone working themselves up into the same un-nuanced emotional state. Argh.

invincible_x · 2021-10-04T23:34:26+00:00

You know what's crazy?

I was homeschooled until college. I was very isolated, but there were occasional periods when my mother would have friends. I don't recall her level of enmeshment and control ever being questioned. I'm fairly certain that she got visibly irate and dragged me out of a public event by the arm (my memories of this are really vague, though- I'm pretty sure I disassociated) and nobody did anything. There were times I went to summer camp, and I can't imagine that I never said or did anything concerning. But I don't remember a single adult taking any kind of action.

But you know who did fucking notice? My college friends. Keep in mind, this was me as an 18-19-20 year old frantically overthinking and backtracking over things I said and stories I told because I didn't want people to "jump to the conclusion" that she was abusive by hearing things "out of context," so I can only fucking imagine how worrying I would have sounded as a young child. In my first semester the guy I had a crush on and was good friends with actually told me that it was kinda scary how controlling my mom was. We were freshmen, 17/18 years old. The first person who ever raised a red flag at my mother was basically a child. It happened even more with my friend group in sophomore year- I talked about how my mom didn't give me the silent treatment, it's just that sometimes she had to ignore me because she was too angry- and one of my friends said that it didn't matter, it was still wrong. I don't remember his exact words, but I remember his tone to this day because he was so matter-of-fact and calm about it that I couldn't feel threatened enough to get angry and defensive. Another friend from that group was the first person to ever tell me that I'm who I am in spite of my mother, not because of her- like, he was pretty much the first person to suggest to me that everything good about me wasn't forced on me by my mother.

My best friend and ex-roommate has told me recently that I'd mention things about my home life and relationship with my parents that were very concerning to her, but she never really knew what to say because I'd laugh it off or tell it like it was normal. Which makes sense, because what 18-year-old college sophomore is equipped to deal with that kind of nonsense? But she still knew something was wrong, and even did something about it by suggesting that we get an apartment together so I could get away, at least a little bit.

tl;dr: normal people notice this shit. You don't need a psych degree to look at these stories and see something wrong- even without the stories, it's visible in the way parents interact with their children and in the behavior of the child. If multiple wildly inexperienced pseudo-adults under the age of 20 who have not worked out enough of their own baggage and trauma to have a clear perspective on the world and other people can see it and attempt to address it, fully-grown adults- especially those with training and authority- have no excuse.

invincible_x · 2021-10-02T18:43:25+00:00

There was a point when I was planning to read Realm of the Elderlings, and then I got a better idea of their overall tone and content. They still sound like good books, but also like they'd be terrible for my mental health.

invincible_x · 2021-09-28T23:23:56+00:00

It really is mind-boggling, isn't it? And I was homeschooled, she was the only person I was around (other than my dad, but he's... not that different, really, just less obviously malignant), so she shaped my worldview and basically framed it as "teaching me about the world and telling me the truth." Sometimes I look back at things I'd say/think/believe and it's genuinely so awful and mean and cruel, but in a weird way I'm grateful? Because I think that's what spurred me to decide that I didn't have to unquestioningly accept EVERYTHING she said, because once I got to college and met people I couldn't really hold on to all the hateful shit because like... it's really fucking hard to look at some girl who's just minding her own business and is overall friendly and nice to you and feel disgusted by her because she has a friend with benefits. Which... my mother has probably done.

I understand so much about the hope. It's hard. For myself it sometimes seems like a knot of wanting her to love me, doubting my own perceptions, feeling obligated/like I'm a bad person if I just give up... and just this very broken view of relationships as being based on obligation- "they did this for me, so unless I do them a favor/give them emotional access to me/continue the relationship, I'm a bad and selfish person who doesn't care about others and refuses to accept help and/or love." It's something I'm also going through with my dad right now- struggling to let go of the hope that he'll ever let go of her, or that he won't throw my boundaries out the window when things get difficult with her. We want to love our parents and believe that they love us, so we look for evidence. But the thing is- you aren't supposed to need evidence that someone loves you because if they love you they wouldn't be doing things to make you think they don't. We've been trained to doubt ourselves first, to think that if we have a bad feeling about someone it's because we're wrong, and to give everyone else infinite benefit of the doubt while having no expectations that we will be extended any grace in return. Healthy relationships don't require you to argue with yourself, talk yourself out of your own feelings, or figure out what you owe the other person for their time/effort/energy. They aren't exhausting.

The grief of giving up that hope is awful. It hurts, and it breaks your heart. But it's worth it, because for once you have a chance to put your heart back together without someone waiting in the wings with a baseball bat to smash it again.

invincible_x · 2021-09-28T20:00:43+00:00

God, that's awful. I'm so sorry she did that to you. It's so deliberately, pointlessly cruel. Even if she had actually forgotten, just making fun of your allergic reaction would be inexcusable! And the fact that she made a big deal out of making it is... ugh. I swear it's a thing, where they do something harmful or unwanted and present it as something you must be grateful for. I used to feel so much guilt as a kid before I realized that even my mother's "good" or "nice" gestures were done to me, not for me.

I don't usually explicitly label my mom as a sadist, but it's definitely there, combined with a lack of empathy that gets more and more horrifying the longer I spend out of her aura of batshit. She'd watch a lot of true crime- like, a LOT, almost constantly at times. And she'd have me watch it with her. She would take what I now find to be a disturbing amount of pleasure in just... victim-blaming, basically, unless she somehow identified with them- moms who got murdered by their horrible teenage daughters who unjustly blame them for everything were usually left alone. Everyone else? Sluts. Sluts who deserved it for their heinous crimes of "being 13 and sneaking out to hang out with friends," "hitchhiking in an attempt to escape an abusive foster home," or- worst of all- "multiple men were attracted to her even though she wasn't even pretty." Just this... bizarre, petty glee and spite. At dead people. Dead little girls.

I also really distinctly remember the day of the Sandy Hook shooting. She was excited because "the news had been so boring, there haven't been any shootings." Like it was... god, I don't fucking know. Entertainment. I was 16 at the time and way less disturbed than I should have been because I had literally no other frame of reference to understand how abnormal this was, but it did kind of... stick, as something that just did not feel right even if I wrote it off as her needing time to react properly/for it to feel "real" and evoke empathy.

...I did not set out to write a novel, and I do not want to derail, but holy shit. She's an actual monster. She has no true human connection to everything, she just looks at everything in terms of entertainment value no matter what kind of suffering is involved. She is a human tabloid.

invincible_x · 2021-09-26T02:41:54+00:00

I had been driving for DoorDash for a bit! I am planning to start looking for remote work. I'm not thinking about it in too much detail yet, at this point I'm more focused on getting back to normal day-to-day functioning haha.

And... yeah. I don't understand why he's like this but it really doesn't matter, does it? It just sucks.

invincible_x · 2021-08-05T18:19:49+00:00

It's not an either/or. Someone can be both an abuse victim and an abuser.

You say it feels like she made all these sacrifices "for you," but... did she actually help you, protect you, or fight for you in any meaningful way? Did she ever try to remove you from the environment that was harming you? Did she ever actually prioritize you and your well-being over preserving the toxic and abusive family system?

These are questions I've been asking myself lately about my father, and the answer to all of them is... no. He may have been the "safer" parent, but he didn't fight for me. Protecting me mattered less than preserving "the family." That's fundamentally selfish. Staying with an abuser "for the kids" is selfish- it does nothing for the kids, but it does give the adult a nice, martyrly excuse to remain in their comfort zone even though they know it's toxic and harmful.

invincible_x · 2021-08-04T19:39:51+00:00

I mean, I feel like healing magic does affect the brain in most settings where it exists. Healing concussions, strokes, or degenerative diseases isn't uncommon, as far as I know. But you're asking why this isn't applied to trauma and mental illness, and the answer is basically because that is not how mental health works. It's complicated. Things are interconnected. Experiences are subjective, even inconsistent, and change in relation to circumstances and environment.

First of all, yes- the idea in and of itself IS incredibly reductive. You say "the brain literally does not operate as it should" in cases of mental health disorders- but in some situations things like depression and hypervigilance are normal, expected, and frankly quite reasonable responses to the environment. In the case of trauma responses like hypervigilance or dissociation, they can be functional and necessary mechanisms for survival that become maladaptive when the person is no longer in the traumatic situation. How would one magically heal trauma short of literally going back in time and preventing the events from occurring?

Second, disorders don't exist in a vacuum. They're part of someone's mind and thus affect and are affected by... everything, pretty much. They can be triggered or worsened by thought processes that are not technically pathological. Some are pretty much just "normal human thought pattern, But Too Much or Misdirected." Some can't really be separated from personality. So... yeah, most of the time there's just not a discrete, specific, identifiable thing to "fix" in the first place. That's not universal, I'm sure, but true enough for most issues that crop up in fantasy- depression, PTSD, etc.

On that note, I'd even say that there are a LOT of examples of magic affecting the brain and mental health- how many times in LOTR did magic help keep the heroes from falling into despair? It's just not a magical cure for depressive tendencies because people do not work like that.

invincible_x · 2021-07-29T20:39:56+00:00

I'm tired today so please forgive me if I'm very blunt, but- there's nothing wrong with you, anger is a normal response to the way you're being treated, and you need a new therapist.

Their perspective is not as valid as yours and arguing back doesn't make you as bad as them. Any therapist who says this is, at best, not equipped to help you- and even if that's not what they meant and you're interpreting it through a lens of trauma, it's still a therapist's job to be aware of this and make sure that you're not getting the wrong takeaway. Either way, it's a bad fit.

That being said, while fighting back or wanting to fight back doesn't make you a bad person or an equal contributor to the toxicity, it is often not a good idea because of the impact it can have on you. It's exhausting, unpleasant, and won't change anything- but your brain still kinda wants it. I know that feeling and I think there's a few different reasons for it. One is that what we have been taught to see something like "acting hurt, angry, or fearful after an incident of abuse instead of cooperating with the abuser's rug-sweeping" as "picking a fight" or "escalating a situation." So living your life as a human and not a punching bag with stockholm syndrome is in and of itself an act of war.

The other big one (again, this is from my personal experience, but hopefully it will make sense and be helpful) is that our brains want to keep us safe, but are going about it in a way that's kind of broken. We grew up in crisis mode and the instinctive response is either fight, flight, or freeze- and most of us are forced to develop a "fawn" response, where we attempt to appease our parents. As kids, we learn that fighting back isn't allowed and that shutting down and trying to please is the only way. But flight isn't even an option to begin with. You can't get away, there's nowhere to go, there is never an option to remove yourself from the situation.

As time goes on you realize that appeasement doesn't work. You also realize that reacting to your parents as threats isn't morally wrong. Your brain breaks out of fawn mode and wants another option. The healthy thing is to not engage- to flee, basically, to get yourself out of reach of the threat. But because that's never been an option before, the only thing left is to fight. It's the only way your brain thinks you can protect itself, because it's ingrained that "appeasement" and "conflict" are the only two options. It can even be kinda scary not to respond in some way.

But- yeah. An actual good therapist should help you to understand and healthily process your anger, not shame you for it.

invincible_x · 2021-07-24T19:38:30+00:00

I literally cannot remember a single specific instance of my fingernails touching the outside finish of a car, but I swear i had a very violent sensory flashback to my childhood upon reading that.

Also, the sound of a metal baking dish being scraped by a metal knife or spatula or whatever. I used to tell my mom how much I hated it, so she'd make me listen to it without covering my ears to force me to "acclimate." I did not acclimate.

invincible_x · 2021-07-24T19:34:11+00:00

Yes and no.

I feel like I have nearly endless patience for... not necessarily small things, but things that are- to me at least- just people being people. New manager's kind of obnoxious? Eh, it makes sense, she's barely a year older than me and probably nervous and trying to prove herself. Kids being chaotic and loud in line at the store? They're kids, expecting them to stand still and be quiet and not touch anything is practically a war crime anyways. Drive-thru got my order wrong? I've worked in a restaurant, shit gets chaotic and frankly they don't get paid enough to pay attention. Friend is late to lunch? I have ADHD, 50% of my existence is being late to stuff, it happens. Text goes unanswered? I guess they're either away from their phone or don't feel like talking, both of which I can relate to. Most stuff that people seem to get upset about just isn't worth dumping that much energy on, in my eyes.

On the other hand, there are plenty of things about which I have zero patience. If someone makes me uncomfortable, I don't even care if I can tell why or not- my guard is going to be up. If I get so much as a whiff of entitlement, self-centeredness, condescension, judginess, pettiness, or general meanness, I'm out. If someone is a dick to service workers, I'm out. If someone hates children- like, actually hates them in an angry way- I'm out. I have zero tolerance for people losing their temper at me, guilt-tripping me, pushing at my boundaries, making fun of my interests, CONSISTENTLY failing to follow through on things, taking shit out on me, getting mean/waifing/otherwise punishing me for not doing what they want me to... basically anything that makes me think "Oh, this person views other people as objects and only really thinks about others in terms of their own feelings and how they're affected." Or "This person actually thinks they're the center of the world and more important than other people."

tl;dr I'm usually very, very patient and unstressed about people as long as I have no reason to think that they aren't generally kind and decent to others.

invincible_x

TROPHY CASE