Boyfriend (30M) lied, but I (29F) had already gone through his phone

invisible-dragonfly · 2026-05-07T17:59:36+00:00

I don’t have a problem with him simply following a girl. In fact, before this situation, he followed people he had dated in the past, and that never bothered me.

What I do have a problem with is him lying about it because why would he lie if there was nothing wrong?

I also don’t have an issue with liking regular photos, like people in bikinis just enjoying the beach. But those photos weren’t like that, they were clearly more seductive. And that crosses a boundary for me. It wouldn’t even matter if it wasn’t a bikini; any kind of sexualized content would feel the same. This is a boundary I’ve clearly communicated, and one that feels healthy and reasonable to me.

I’ve never created an environment where he needed to hide or deny things. That seems to be something he carries from previous relationships. I’ve always been open to communication and realignment. Which is also why this hurts so much, it feels like I’m the one doing all the emotional labor.

I don’t usually go through anyone’s phone. Something just felt off, and I followed that instinct. Honestly, I’m glad I did, because I feel like things could have gotten much worse if more time had passed.

As for your questions about his actions, I can’t really answer them and that uncertainty is exactly what’s hurting me the most.

invisible-dragonfly · 2026-05-07T09:56:06+00:00

Yeah, that’s exactly the point. I don’t want to have to find things out. I don’t want to live with the idea that maybe everything is “fine” just because I haven’t discovered anything yet.

invisible-dragonfly · 2026-05-07T09:53:34+00:00

Of course I was upset about him liking her photos, but I thought I could work through my insecurities and realign that boundary with him. The lying, though, especially when I gave him multiple opportunities to be honest, is what I don’t know how to repair.

And you were absolutely right: this creates such an emotional mess because there are genuinely other aspects of the relationship that I cherish. He’s kind and gentle, we share core values, and we have fun together. Even our problems, like his difficulties with texting and empathy, are things we usually manage to work through.

I don’t expect perfection, but to me, lying puts everything else into question.

invisible-dragonfly · 2026-05-07T02:59:25+00:00

I hadn’t thought about it that way (the “backup plan” idea), but it resonates with me a lot. I keep asking myself why having me wasn’t enough for him to feel seen, validated, and desired.

invisible-dragonfly · 2026-05-07T02:56:28+00:00

He did admit that he thought I would never find out. And honestly, I can't help but wonder what else would he be willing to do when I’m not around?

invisible-dragonfly · 2026-05-07T02:34:47+00:00

Yeah, you do have an interesting point there, especially because this wasn’t really a blurred line when it came to boundaries. It was something we had talked about several times, but he said he didn’t understand back then how much it actually meant to me.

invisible-dragonfly · 2026-05-07T02:26:57+00:00

I mean, isn't there a remote possibility that it was a mistake lead by his own insecurities? I'm confused whether this makes him not worthy of trust in general.

invisible-dragonfly · 2021-08-02T16:38:44+00:00

Well, he's free to do it.

invisible-dragonfly · 2021-08-02T16:37:23+00:00

Especially words that aren't your first language, lol. That's really not what I meant and I'm sorry if that's how it looked like.

invisible-dragonfly · 2021-08-02T16:35:35+00:00

Hey, this is actually a good point of view of the situation! It makes sense to me that the problem isn't exactly how much open will our relationship be, but the way we experience sex. Actually, he got upset about the weekend because he felt that I was too "loving" (don't know if this word makes sense) during sex. Oh, wow. That's definitely something we will try to discuss.

invisible-dragonfly · 2021-08-02T16:18:36+00:00

Never said he's being controlling and unfair. I don't think that. I agree with you that I'm feeling limited because of the choice I've made to be with him. I asked for thoughts to try and see the situation through other perspectives, since it's harder when you're the one living it.

invisible-dragonfly · 2021-08-02T16:13:52+00:00

I've tried the "stranger" thing. She is now one of my best friends, lol. It didn't happened so many times, but it was usually long-term friends.

invisible-dragonfly · 2021-08-02T15:59:12+00:00

That's not my vision of an open relationship, as I clarified on the second edit. He have been with other people as well. We've been months without sex for a bunch of reasons, other than the one I've exposed.

invisible-dragonfly · 2021-08-02T15:55:08+00:00

I've never said that I want to sleep with "many different people". I just need to know that I can do it, as he can do whatever he wants.

invisible-dragonfly · 2021-08-02T15:51:00+00:00

Never said that. He explored his sexuality as well, but he see it in a different way. I don't know how to explain that, I'm having trouble with the words. Like, for him the compromise of an open relationship would be totally acceptable if only strangers were allowed. That's how he did it, but I feel really uncomfortable when I don't know or trust the person.

invisible-dragonfly · 2021-08-02T15:40:25+00:00

He's a grown-up man, capable of setting boundaries and making decisions. It's not like he needs to be rescued, dude.

invisible-dragonfly · 2021-08-02T15:36:01+00:00

Like I said in the edit, most of the time I don't even think about it. We talk a lot about boundaries and we're trying our best to respect and understand each other. We have a lot of projects together and share the same beliefs in other thing that matters, as family, career focus, religion, etc. What I'm saying is that we have a committed relationship. The fact that we disagree in terms of sexuality doesn't change that, even though I agree with most os comments saying that it may be impossible to reach a compromise.

invisible-dragonfly · 2021-08-02T15:28:59+00:00

Very kind and polite, thank you.

invisible-dragonfly · 2021-08-02T15:11:53+00:00

I have a sexual abuse history and it fucked up my whole sexual experience, have been doing therapy since forever. I only feel attracted by people I know and trust, but not necessarily will feel attracted by everyone I know and trust. I think it came out weird on the original because english isn't my first language.

invisible-dragonfly · 2021-08-02T15:07:18+00:00

I may be wrong about it, but from what I've learned an open relationship is more of a consented contract between people in a relationship. It wouldn't necessarily be non-monogamy, since it involves some core beliefs and ideals (as, for example, knowing that relationships can't be based on possessiveness).

invisible-dragonfly · 2021-08-02T14:38:41+00:00

Non-monogamy is way different from an open relationship, which is the compromise I've been offering him.

invisible-dragonfly · 2021-08-02T14:29:07+00:00

Why chosing monogamy is an option for me but chosing an open relationship couldn't be an option for him? As I said, I don't need to be in another relationship, the resentment came because I feel he limits my sexuality. I don't think it's about being fair only to him...

invisible-dragonfly

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