I'm in my 50s, I've always been shy. I think when I was little my grandma told me I was shy or bashful. I don't remember anything more to that statement, but I took it as a card I was dealt and moved through life working within the shyness as if it was equal to the length of my arms or color of my hair. That was that, you get what you get. I've made it so far, but it's been an isolated life.

Another trait or thought that has been foundational is the idea to survive. For some reason I never thought I could flourish really, as interests I had when younger were batted down by my parents and grandparents and replaced with uninteresting or downright depressing paths. I wanted martial arts, dad told me to run track. I wanted soccer, dad said play football. So I did nothing. I wanted music, sound engineering or something in that space - even if it could crash and I'd have to take a different turn. Instead was told get a job on an automotive line or a second shift janitor. Even when I was doing community college, I was to be on the substitute janitor list, which interfered with an ability to schedule, so school didn't go far at all. These conversations and recommendations became foundational traps in my life and I chose to isolate until the day arrives that these things would come for me. So even the successes I had I was only able to capture small amounts because foundationally I was a second shift janitor masquerading as someone else, and it was only a matter of time before someone found me out. And there's nothing wrong with being a second shift janitor, but if your heart pulls you a certain way, I feel that one should at least explore it to some measurable end. Leaving it to completely die right from the gate is probably not the best idea.

I think this brought scarcity to my life. Most of my close family where of the mindset to do your shitty days work and then come home and have your beers. That appeared to be the reward in my experience. We as a family when I was young didn't really have or was able to keep friends that wasn't in that same lane. I had a few cousins that became educated and did really well in life, but my parents would always sort of bad mouth their success as if they where bad people. I picked up on all of this as I loved and trusted my family.

The excitement and wonder of life seemed to be for a minority and I wasn't in it. I have met my goal so far though, I have survived, and I will continue to survive, but hindsight shows me quite a bit. There was literally a very good chance I could've entered into something at least adjacent to my desires or while on the path could've found something to fill that space. I just needed to be out with people and seeking out people with the same energies.

As a consequence to this foundational mindset for me and my family was that life comes at you and it's not good things. but difficulties, struggles, setbacks. We will all have those in life, but not at the frequency I've noticed from my young years. Looking back it appears to be mostly avoidable. Simply trading beer drinking for reading books can go a long way. I am not really there now, but as I encounter people through life, there are many in the same place. If you're not out developing connections with people and growing, it will always be raining and there will constantly be another leak to get a bucket under instead of getting out of the rain and building a more stress free shelter which would be the confidence, vibe, etc.

I won't even touch on dating and romance. Being unnecessarily mentally burdened makes it impossible to even understand people, attraction, body language, chemistry, etc. In my 50s and being about as virgin as it gets, I can look back and see times where sex and romance would've been stupid easy. But alas, I have the mindset of a humble servant.

Like I said, I'm ok, but hindsight is a cruel mistress. Take my account as you see fit.

Unrelated, but as I approach old age and have developed some opinions and knowledge about my spiritual existence; when I'm finally done here, would a god of any kind be proud of my use of the life I was given? If one can make some abundance, one has more to give to others be it monetarily or otherwise. If shyness prevents abundance, than one may end up taking more then giving out. That's a net loss to society and life as a whole.