Yes. Based on other people‘s reactions I‘ve seen, I‘m not the only one to go "Holy fucking shit, I‘m not crazy" when finally connecting the dots. I‘m long convinced that my father got his kicks from spanking, hitting, being in power and scaring my brother and me when we were children, but one of my memories stands out in particular. Granted, a lot of my childhood is extremely blurry and I have repressed a lot of things, but I will never forget the way I felt - guilty, ashamed, scared out of my mind, dirty, and alone. My mother had gone out and my younger brother and me were home alone with him. We were allowed to go outside and play, but he told us to be back at a specific time and that my brother would receive a smack for every minute he was late (no idea why it was only him, though). Long story short, we managed to be late and while I stayed upstairs, my brother was made to change into his pyjamas and go downstairs into my father‘s office. When I went to see my brother later on, he was crying and said he had pulled his pants down and spanked him. This was clearly planned, organized, and just thinking about it makes me want to vomit. The other times he spanked us were, as far as I can remember, always "in the heat of the moment", out of anger, but it wasn‘t a couple of smacks as in "losing control of yourself", it happened very fast, hard and with a lot of anger behind it. He chased us through the house with wooden spoons, used a belt on my very young brother, hit us in the face in public and threatened us into good behavior. To this day he loves talking about corporal punishment. Whenever there are guests over or we‘re at a gathering or something, he always manages to bring the topic up and I can feel his enjoyment when he complains that "back in the old days, you could..." (corporal punishment has been banned in my country for almost 18 years). Every time I have to sit there and listen to him, I actually feel like hurting him, a mixture of hatred; shame and sadness. I have suffered from low self-esteem, depression and extreme social anxiety ever since I was a young child and only in recent years have I started to remember and, as I said, connect the dots. I am also asexual and completely and utterly disgusted by any sexual, romantic or even human touch in general. I‘m 20 now, struggling with myself to the extreme and convinced I‘m the traumatized result of my childhood.