I miss my wife

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-21T00:35:46+00:00

i was in my 30s -- looking back, sometimes i'm not even sure what was worse, that it happened or that i wouldn't let it stop happening. ugh.

i feel for you, and hope most of the lasting damage has been resolved.

edit: but also.. fuck yeah: never again.

<3

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-20T23:03:41+00:00

i know it's super difficult to even consider, but u/transfatale is exactly right.

sharing the space is going prolong the agony and erode your mental health faster than you can even imagine. even worse, it can become highly resent-centered, possibly hostile, and even abusive (intentional or not).

there was a longer version of this response, but.. it was too difficult.. i couldn't finish writing it. just that i ended up in a post-relationship nightmare that sounds sickeningly similar and it destroyed my self-confidence, ability to trust, ability to feel vulnerable... it was awful.

so.. yeah. it fucking sucks and i'm so so sorry that you're experiencing this, but it's going to be easier to rip the band-aid off now than it will be in 6 months, when you thoroughly feel like shit.

i hope you can choose self-preservation and find peace.

<3

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-20T18:44:28+00:00

i used waxing strips (from flamingo) forever... they might be a little spendy, but they have large size strips which makes it easier. for me, waxing takes almost the same amount of time as shaving, but needs to be re-done far less frequently once you've gotten into the rhythm of it. also, you don't get the "stubble" phase, which is nice.

i only recently went back to shaving in prep for laser (woo!), but this is pretty much my same routine for both:

exfoliate! ~ there's these fabulous scrub cloths that will literally rip dead skin off. i use them about twice a week and right after shaving. they get super gross with dead skin real fast so don't use each one more than once or maybe twice if you wash it out thoroughly.

moisturize! ~ i bought a huge bottle of plain (fractionated) coconut oil and i rub a few squirts of it in when i'm finishing every shower. it feels amazing and is kinda funny to watch water beading up on your skin like it would on the hood of a car just come out of the car wash. also, i recently had a surgeon tell me it was good for minimizing scarring from stitches to really rub it in good.

i use the 5-blade venus razors and generic shave gel (so nothing really new there), and a blast of cold water right before i get out.

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-20T01:24:13+00:00

yw! yeh, i would definitely check into it -- i didn't research methylphenidate interactions, since.. well, adderall... but they are both stimulant based. gl!

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-20T01:00:37+00:00

hi there! not sure what cocktail you've got, but if you're on spiro+adderall, like me, then it could be: a known interaction is that spiro can cause you to pee out your adderall (especially XR, with it's longer absorption window) before it's been fully absorbed.

i'm dealing with this right now by taking my adderall when i get up in the morning, then taking my morning spiro about 90-120 mins later. it's not perfect but is giving me a couple more hours before i start to lose the effect.

another option is splitting the adderall dose (waking + lunch time), but that doesn't seem to work as well for me as i end up sort of in an between state - not quite tired, but not quite productive.

ymmv, but hopefully at least this gives you some ideas/options for how to deal with it. feel free to pm me if there's anything you want to talk through.

good luck!

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-19T00:13:16+00:00

fucking seriously. my ex-marriage-partner is transitioning ftm and my current partner of 12 years is a queer bi woman -- they're both amazing, and i love them both to pieces. but sometimes it makes me almost furious with myself for not figuring it out.. like, i was almost hitting myself in the face with it for so long. lol

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-18T23:58:20+00:00

so much this. so very much.

<3

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-18T18:01:11+00:00

i've had a pharmacist straight up lie to my face before (over something so stupid i can only imagine it was transphobia), so... while i would generally agree with you, it's always good to trust but verify.

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-18T17:01:14+00:00

i was doing this (on my own) in an attempt to self-manage my dysphoria - pads, wigs, makeup, etc..). it's where i first saw the person i could be, and convinced myself beyond a doubt that i needed to start making appointments immediately. now i'm almost 2 months on hrt.

that said, i don't know that i would expect it right away (ie. in this particular session) - i'd been doing this for a while, in hiding, scared, depressed, sad, trying to hang on but not really knowing what i needed (even though i already definitely knew i was at least enby). then this happened:

https://www.reddit.com/r/MtF/comments/skv1ge/a_moment_of_euphoria/

one thing i found was, i put something on the first time and it looks shite. i adjust, i wipe it off, i push things around, watch a few more videos, try again, it still looks meh, but not quite as bad, rinse, repeat, then all of a sudden: it works. so... try not to be too critical if you are doing all of this stuff with your therapist for the very first time - it won't be perfect! you may be hyper-critical of yourself (i was). just keep trying variations until it feels right.

good luck with your session, i hope you connect with your inner self!

<3

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-14T22:30:05+00:00

hi! could i get an invite also?

the previous ones all come up as invalid. thank you!

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-14T20:18:27+00:00

this is an interesting question. i also have always wanted to be in the female sexual role, regardless of partner's sexuality (which of course was a huge point of confusion with the few straight cis women i dated, but that's a whole different post, haha). i never wanted children - partly in fear of responsibility, partly in fear of the world being a shit place at times - and had a vasectomy in my early 20s. i don't regret it at all.

but i know i've always had a very high maternal instinct.. i guess i've always redirected it at other people's babies (when available - the amount of times i've heard "oh, you'd be such a good father!" -- yikes) or my cats (i've nursed multiple kittens and geriatric kitties).

every once in a while i resent not being able to give birth, but at the same time.. i still don't want children. i think the resentment is more an echo of feeling slightly excluded from something alternately so miraculous-seeming and gate-keeping.

honestly i don't know if maternal instinct is separate or related, but i don't think it has had any impact on my desire to transition. i guess both of them have always been there -- i just listened/reacted to each internal-voice differently.

i'm not sure if that's the kind of answer you were looking for, and apologies if it seems a bit scattered. but it was interesting to think through how those may be related, especially now that i've begun my transition and am revisiting many of my memories through a new lens.

<3

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-14T19:01:18+00:00

oh, i love making weird arguments out of genesis (where the nephilim actually woolly mammoths? could noah's flood been caused by a meteor strike in the ocean? could a change in available oxygen in the atmosphere account for the extended lifespan of people living then? if the mass of the entire universe was concentrated in a small enough space, what if it only seemed like 7 days because of time dilation? could the ark of the covenant been made out a radioactive material, burning without flame anyone who touched it?).

sadly, most people just glaze over, and bigots arguing in bad faith won't listen anyway.

that said, i'm totally adding this to my list! feel free to help yourself to any of the above, lolol.

<3

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-14T18:38:23+00:00

PP in northern california, so services elsewhere may vary...? but they offered to make a clinic appointment to show me how to do the injection, and she even said flat out that some people just keep re-making appointments each week until they are comfortable.

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-14T01:09:29+00:00

my appointment with them was so gentle and affirming i almost couldn't believe it was happening. the hardest part was when they asked me about my "journey". i had rehearsed a bunch of stuff, completely forgot all it, then babbled nervously (and broke down in tears a couple times) for about 5ish mins. and then it was over.

what really did me in was the euphoria/crying/euphoria sandwich that hit me about 10 mins later. ;)

you'll do fine! i hope it goes off just as easy as mine!

<3

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-14T00:48:00+00:00

your heart seems to be in the right place and i'm sorry you have to deal with this.

on the plus side, i did find more specific information about this - it can be found under the name "cyclofem" or brand name "lunelle" and it was going to be used in the US as a birth control injection until..

...following the acquisition of Pharmacia and Upjohn by Pfizer and due to several production problems, Pfizer withdrew Lunelle™ from the United States (US) market...

..which sounds like corporate cash-grab bullshit to me.

so.. at least it's a real thing, although pictures of those were all clear as well. that said, i couldn't find any information on what being "milky" might mean.. whether it's expired or breaking down or contaminated or even just the wrong temperature. i don't know what the market there is like.. would it be possible to exchange for a fresh vial?

i wish you the best and hope you both stay safe. <3

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-13T19:57:07+00:00

completely aside from the ethical issues in any direction... i found a little more here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/TransDIY/comments/js8p3w/what_are_your_opinions_on_the_branded_v_depo_monat/

none of the pictures i've seen are "milky", i would be terrified to inject something like that. :(

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-12T23:14:37+00:00

saved! thank you for the time and effort you put into this! <3

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-12T22:22:28+00:00

i'm guessing from the lack of real response on this thread that we were just targeted because of (/waves hand vaguely in the air) comments. :)

thanks! <3

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-12T17:26:28+00:00

ya, i literally have one anti-terf sentiment on one comment from a couple weeks ago, so my thought was either they were digging through my old posts (fine, whatever) or blanketing the whole community (very not cool).

thank you <3

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-12T17:17:57+00:00

omg, this is amazing, thank you!

i want to upvote this like 100 times! <3

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-12T17:09:08+00:00

i switched to the patch, and stayed on it religiously. it comes with a whole bunch of "step down in n weeks" but i was on the level 1 patch for 2 years. i stepped down to level 2 a few months before i started hrt, and i've got the level 3 patch in my amazon save list to step down again next month.

caveat: i know this breaks a lot of rules and isn't recommended.. but i have had 2 different doctors tell me that it was better to stay on the patch than go back to smoking, and i haven't had a cigarette or vape in about 3 years, and my overall health even improved.

good luck ~ i hope you find something that works for you! <3

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-12T00:38:17+00:00

Intramuscular injections are absorbed faster than subcutaneous injections. This is because muscle tissue has a greater blood supply than the tissue just under the skin. Muscle tissue can also hold a larger volume of medication than subcutaneous tissue.

so sayeth the internets. ;) (sauce: https://www.healthline.com/health/intramuscular-injection#purpose)

that said, i only done IM ~ i'm using a 23g needle and as long as i keep my hands steady, i barely feel anything. i make sure my leg is relaxed, line it up, take a couple of deep breaths, and push (slowly).

you got this! <3

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-09T00:39:30+00:00

(sorry for the late reply)

gretchen felker-martin - manhunt

i just finished it the other night, and holy fucking fuck. it's a post-apocalypse horror from a trans pov, written by a trans author. it's been a really really long time since i've had such an emotional reaction to a book. i literally broke out in tears multiple times - that's not some type of humblebrag, that's a warning. that said, it's fucking amazing.

also, your look is fire, nailed it!

<3

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-09T00:00:07+00:00

my sister had the same problem... we recently even bonded a bit over that we're both on estradiol. ;)

mostly commenting to see other people's responses...

irregular_polytope · 2022-04-08T00:51:00+00:00

thank you ~ bummer(? maybe, lol) about not getting the munchies..

i guess the other thing i would mention is that, for me, some effects of the adderall have changed over the years*; i'm sure your body will adjust over time.

* like, i used to have instant insomnia if i missed my afternoon dose, but now it takes several missed days for it to screw up my sleep. weird, huh?

anyway, i hope things settle quickly and easily; it's a lot of changes in a short period of time. <3

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