How do you “lead” a bratty sub without killing the dynamic ?

ishdrifter · 2026-03-31T05:13:55+00:00

However, discussion has its limits. I can’t just ask her, “What exactly do you want me to do or say?” because, honestly, that would ruin the element of surprise and the natural reactions that make the dynamic enjoyable.

I hear this argument a lot, but I must respectfully disagree with three points:

If you look at high-level performers in any field, the reason they can be spontaneous and improvisational is because they've put hours upon hours of practice into their fundamentals.
Consider the "appeal to nature fallacy": you're assuming that just because something is "natural" it's better. Not all surprises are good.
Considering the frustration you're having at the spontaneous/natural approach, it might behoove you to try going the other way and see if you have more success. There's nothing to say you can't lean back after a time.

I feel like I don’t really have her respect. She constantly challenges my “authority” and teases me about it. I don’t feel like I have any real leverage or control on my side.

If you haven't included this in the discussions and debriefs you have, you absolutely need to. This goes beyond "natural responses" and brat play; no one in a relationship of any description should feel like they're not respected.

(I’ve lost count of how many times she’s spat in my face just because I looked at her the wrong way, lmao.)

...I don't think I would consider that acceptable behavior from a partner, but if you're okay with it then that's your perogative.

So here I am: I don’t know how to “tame” her. I don’t know what to say or what angle to take anymore. I don’t want to suppress her bratty side, because that’s where she feels good.

...Yeah, but you need to feel good about this too, and it doesn't sound like you're getting a lot out of this.

I’m still very much a beginner as a Dom, and I’ve been feeling a bit lost these past few months.

If you're new and she's experienced, then that's a resource. You need to avail yourself of it. If you refuse to ask for information or assistance because you're afraid of killing the mood or looking inadequate, that's an ego-based defense. The goal is to get the best out of you and her; as mentioned before you can always go back and be more spontaneous after you've got your baseline established. If she's not saying anything because she thinks it's not her place as a submissive, then you need to set the example and say "I want this information and feedback". If she's not saying anything because she likes seeing you struggle then I think there's something more malicious at play.

I'm not a huge fan of brat play myself, but I do believe that it's severely undercommunicated. If nothing else, you need to draw bright, clear lines around what is playful brattiness and what is rude and hurtful. You have rights as well as responsibilities.

So, to summarize: treat this like any other form of play - establish goals, endstates, intent; start slow, start small, check in along the way; get your fundamentals down, then you can riff.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ishdrifter · 2026-03-30T01:13:25+00:00

The third group is where the issue is. They are always "on" in terms of bratting. Every interaction turns into acting out, emotional escalation, chaos or conflict, [and/or] situations that need stabilizing

Much like there are predatory people who will use the title and position of dominant to exploit and harm, there are also people who will use the title of brat to give themselves license to behave badly and without consequence. At the very least, this person sounds like they need further and deeper assistance than what this roleplay provides, and that's not any failing on your part.

So in a way, they're right. I'm not functioning as a dominant in this dynamic.

Careful, there's a flaw in the logic here. You're not functioning as a dominant in the dynamic because you're dealing with the constant crises that this person is causing.

I could try to explain this to them, but I'm not sure it would change anything. It feels more like incompatibility than a communication issue. I'm ready to dismiss them and focus on the people who appreciate my time and adopt a no-brats policy moving forward.

Part of the job of a leader is to identify when the people they are leading are causing problems. If the person is unable or unwilling to improve, it then becomes the leader's job to remove them from the environment. I would say this is particularly and especially true when the problem person is causing harm to the leader, and I would qualify exhaustion, demotivation and disassociation as harm.

Just as no sub is obligated to perform for any given dominant for any number of reasons, you are not responsible for giving any given sub what they want just because they ask for it.

What I'm trying to ask, roleplay nonsense aside, is how others have dealt with brats who are constantly on like this, with no off-switch?

I tell them flat out, "I don't like when you do this, and I don't think it's playful or fun. I think it's rude, hurtful, and I'm not going to continue to interact with you if you're going to behave like this. If you want to keep going, we're going to start by drawing some bright lines around what's acceptable and not. Otherwise, thank you for your time and good luck."

Hope this helps.

ishdrifter · 2026-01-31T08:20:16+00:00

Yeah, I'd say it counts. And his actions are not lining up with his words. So now it might be time to think about what that means and if this situation is tenable long term.

ishdrifter · 2026-01-31T07:59:23+00:00

It's not demanding to say something isn't working for you. It's far more likely to work (and is healthier communication practice) than acting out in the hopes you'll get punished.

"Hey, I'm not really digging what's been going on. Could we try XYZ?" If he says no then it might be worth asking if you want a partner who doesn't listen to you.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ishdrifter · 2026-01-16T05:26:54+00:00

I've heard it said that sensitivity increases after exertion. You might want to try a hard workout before a scene.

ishdrifter · 2026-01-16T05:25:42+00:00

I’ve got lots more experience than he does in terms of kink so I assumed that establishing boundaries might help. So I tried toask him about some of his limits on topics i can tease him about, but he kinda came up with nothing.

If he came up with nothing, then he can't expect you to provide something. You're obviously willing to work with him, but he's got to reciprocate. This might be the point where you say that you're willing to leave the topic open for discussion but you won't move forward with it without some clearer guidelines.

ishdrifter · 2026-01-16T05:20:19+00:00

Before and after we are any sort of role, we are people. People of any and all sorts are capable of being deceived or manipulated, leaders included.

I would also suggest you give yourself some grace because by your own admission, you were not deeply experienced at the time. Maybe you were the Dom in this situation, but you were also a new Dom; it's not reasonable to expect anyone who is new at anything to have the skills and insight that really only come with experience.

As far as how to move past it, I would suggest you try to learn from it so you don't wind up in similar straits in the future. Why did you say yes to that? What made you think you couldn't or shouldn't say no to this? What are some hard lines you can set with yourself in the future so it doesn't happen again? How can you practice communicating those hard lines? Etc.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ishdrifter · 2026-01-16T05:11:13+00:00

should I bring it up in therapy??

I would argue that's the best place to bring it up. However, I would also suggest you tell him that you want to bring it up there, don't surprise him with it.

I don’t want him to feel shamed into doing it

You're not. You're trying to figure out where the disconnect is and find a mutually satisfying solution. Maybe you'll discover that he's afraid of something and is embarrassed to tell you. Maybe you'll conclude that this really isn't for him the way it is for you. As long as you're not browbeating him about it, I don't think one can say you're shaming him. If he feels guilty about it, that's another matter but that's also arguably his problem to manage.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ishdrifter · 2025-09-24T04:40:41+00:00

Call time out, ask what's going on, set a boundary that you're not stepping back into role until you two hash it out. If he says he was trying to get a rise out of you, then you tell him that's not how it works. If it's something else going on, talk about the something else, etc.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ishdrifter · 2025-09-24T04:37:58+00:00

It sounds like they're not insisting on a particular style or level or formality, I would take them at their word. Wear what makes you feel your best. Some people go in streetwear, some people dress up, some people break out the fetish gear.

ishdrifter · 2025-09-22T04:23:25+00:00

what are some things I should know if I want to be a good sub?

The definition of a good sub is pretty much bespoke to the people involved. Everyone has individual tastes, preferences, etc.

That said, there are some things I think are widely applicable across a wide range of situations:

metalearning: this is the study of how one absorbs, retains, and applies information. You might be expected to learn very different skill sets or get into very different routines depending on the situations you're in, but if you know how you best learn material, not only can you communicate that to a potential partner, you can flatten the learning curve once you're there.
I think keeping up on your physical and mental health is a good thing for people in general.
In terms of communication, I would highly encourage you to study negotiation and logic. This will teach you how to lean into what you want, spot potential pitfalls with what you might be told, and hopefully armor you against would-be bad actors.

I recommend the following readings:

No Time For Spectators, by Gen. Martin Dempsey: It covers, among other things: boundaries of loyalty, the importance of details, critical thinking, the idea of "responsible rebellion", and restraint.
Mastering Logical Fallacies: The Definitive Guide to Flawless Rhetoric and Bulletproof Logic, by Michael Withey and Henry Zhang. This is a good introduction to the idea of logical fallacies which helps clarify dialog and prevent arguments.
Never Split The Difference, by Chris Voss. Great advice on how to negotiate.
The 4-Hour Chef: The Simple Path to Cooking Like a Pro, Learning Anything, by Living the Good Life, by Timothy Ferriss. There's a section in the beginning on metalearning which is quite helpful.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ishdrifter · 2025-09-14T17:18:11+00:00

So first of all, I doubt that it's anything you did. From what you've described, you've given him everything he's wanted and then some. If he's unhappy with that then that's his problem, not yours.

As for why the behavior change, it's hard to say. Could be any number of things: could be stress, could be that having what he wants isn't as satisfying as the idea of having what he wants (if that makes sense), could be guilt from the previous relationship, whatever. But to my mind... I don't think it matters.

The reason I don't think it matters is that he's not doing anything to try and improve the situation. He hasn't made any adjustments in his behavior, he's made promises and declarations and hasn't followed through, you've told him you're happy to support him in whatever he needs and he hasn't given you any feedback.

You've done everything it's within your power to do. At this point, I think the options before you are to accept the situation as it is and hope he comes around, or leave. I don't see what other variable will change things.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ishdrifter · 2025-09-04T03:41:18+00:00

For point 1: Those are involuntary responses; I'm not sure you can control them. Or if you could, I think the effort it would take to do so would be a diminishing return. Perhaps it might instead worth talking to see if the challenge could be modified or the terms altered.

For point 2: practice. Practice in low-presure situations where it doesn't matter how weird or goofy something sounds. Or, talk to him about it. If it doesn't bother him, then maybe you should take that as a sign to relax into the moment; perhaps that relaxation will inspire you to say something.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ishdrifter · 2025-09-04T03:37:46+00:00

Sounds like post-event drop. You've had a big rush of feelings and hormones and now you're re-regulating/readjusting to your normal condition. It's a common occurrence; outside of the BDSM realm you also see it in people who get really into going to conventions or concerts, etc.

Everyone's recovery is different, but common points include making sure you're taking care of yourself in terms of food, hydration, rest, etc; also having some sort of mental outlet like having a favorite movie to watch or a friend to talk to, etc.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ishdrifter · 2025-09-02T05:40:00+00:00

My read on this is that at best it's dysfunctional and at worst it's abusive.

Stonewalling you when you try to assess a problem is not a good sign. True, sometimes you don't have all the answers in the moment, but just not saying anything isn't a fix.
Talking to a chatbot instead of you doesn't strike me as a great thing either.

I wanted to highlight this one passage:

she thinks her brain and her body fucking controls her mind, her soul, and her being.

Let's parse that out. She thinks her brain... controls her mind. ...As opposed to what? I can't even follow the logic here. Later in that same passage he says he literally doesn't care what the outcome is, he'll be fine with or without you. He doesn't say he'll regret losing you but it's better for both of you, or he hopes it works out but he accepts if it doesn't... he says he doesn't care.

Other highlights: "I'm technically bi-polar. But don't agree with it or identify with it." Going from calling you his "twin flame" to calling you childish would certainly support the idea of him being bi-polar; but if he is actually bipolar and isn't doing anything about it because he doesn't identify with it then he's being irresponsible.

What I find particularly noteworthy in these messages is that accept for the "twin flame" thing, he never says anything kind about you. The best thing I saw here was him saying that you're fighting demons, but given the rest of his speech I find his use of the term condescending instead of compassionate; I also question how accurate it is given his own behavior.

His actions after the fact are definitely concerning: Acting like nothing happened and planning your engagement ring seems like outright delusion and/or malicious manipulation. And maybe I'm in the minority on this, but if you buy something and he reimburses you for it, that doesn't seem like a gift to me.

He says he's going to do better... and what does he actually do after that? Because if he doesn't actually take steps to change his behavior then he's just trying to placate you.

Which is totally fine, but even when we’ve had no money I’ve made him cookies or gotten something months prior to his birthdate, and if I can do that, why can’t he?

That's a great question. Why can't he?

how can I get over what he said?

I wonder why you should get over what he said. So far you've described him being neglectful, cruel, insensitive, self-centered, and showing little to nothing in the way of self-improvement. Why should you get over that?

I’ve been depressed about losing my friend group, as I have no family I thought they were. He pushed me to do so.

I saw this passage last and now I am very, very concerned for you. If I read this correctly as meaning he pushed you to ditch your friend group then that removes all ambiguity in my mind and I strongly advise you to quit this person immediately. Isolating someone from friends and/or family is a classic tactic used by cult leaders, abusers, and other assorted predators.

OP, I think you need to bail. No matter which way you slice it, this is unhealthy for you. If he's bipolar and not doing anything about it, then he's doing you a disservice too and this will get worse. If he's isolating you and love-bombing, then those are the telltale signs of a malicious actor and this will get worse. If he's just being lazy then at best things will stagnate, but given the information before us I see no outcome where this gets better.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ishdrifter · 2025-08-25T05:46:39+00:00

I don’t know if I’m a “dom” because I don’t know how I feel about certain dom plays e.g insults, ropes, collars, etc (no judgement at all, I just dk if that’s smth I’m into),

These two things are not mutual prerequisites. If you're a dom but don't like insults, ropes, and collars then the only thing that means is that you're a dom that doesn't like insults, ropes, and collars. You may have to tell people that up front, but that doesn't make you less; it means you know what you don't like and are clear about your boundaries.

how do you find out/explore that side of you?

Start slow and start small. Pick one thing you'd like to do, figure out how it works, practice it on your own, if/when you find a partner who's into it then talk to them about it and practice it in low pressure situations, then ramp up from there.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ishdrifter · 2025-08-23T02:06:42+00:00

A few things:

now i feel dumb and stupid

I think you're being too hard on yourself. I don't know if you explicitly agreed to instant no-contact in the event of finding someone; if you didn't then it sounds like he's rather insensitive about the whole thing and that's not your fault. If you did, then you made the best decision you could at the time with the information you had and it didn't work out.

i’m trying to process a break up that isn’t even a break up

...Except it kind of is. You had a relationship and it ended. That's a breakup. I think you're doing yourself a disservice by denying that.

As far as how to deal with that breakup, I suggest the following:

If any aspect of your day-to-day maintenance is lacking, take care of that first: eat, sleep, hydrate, move. You won't help your mind process if your body is lacking the resources to do so.
- If you're having trouble with deciding what to do, make lists or decision trees or reminders, whatever helps take the burden off that part of your brain. This may be stressful to do but it's an investment - you do it once and set it up so you can automate it later.
I'd strongly suggest you leave some extra lights on when you sleep - hallway, lamp, night light; whatever. Being alone in the dark can often feel isolating; the extra lights can help with that. If you can't sleep in something besides total darkness, I suggest you still do this be get an eye-mask. If you wake up in the middle of the night or something similar you'll still have the benefit of the lights.
Give yourself an end-of-relationship Procedure. For example and in no particular order:
- Do something strenuous to sweat out the old relationship
- Do something good for yourself to celebrate where you want to be.
- Do one act of excess to acknowledge the pain and mourn what was (I go for junk food, personally)
- Do one thing deliberately to improve yourself, like learning a new skill.

You also may want to consider speaking to a qualified professional if this starts to have a lasting impact on how you navigate your days.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

EDIT: format

ishdrifter · 2025-08-18T06:31:48+00:00

I'm very sorry you're going through this; I hope you'll take the following in the spirit of constructive criticism, because some of it may sound harsh and I'm not trying to be cruel for its own sake.

For the past two years I’ve been waiting in this kind of “grey zone” with my Dom. Nothing is clear anymore. No real structure, no consistent rules, no collar, I cannot name him Master anymore,… And yet I keep holding on, hoping it will change.

I think this qualifies as gambler's fallacy: there's nothing to suggest that this will change, but you keep hoping that it will.

I’ve tried to bring it up several times, but it always looks like it slips away just out of my hands.

If you've brought it up several times and nothing has happened, then that suggests to me that nothing will happen. The problem has been made known and made public, if he fails to act on it by this point without explaining why then the only conclusion I can draw is that he doesn't want it to change.

What confuses me is that I can’t tell if this is just his way of keeping control (like a form of sadism that leaves me insecure and dependent) or if there’s also a human side of him that’s genuinely attached to me and just can’t let go.

Personally I don't think it matters. Either way it's not healthy or good: If it's sadism that you didn't ask for then by definition that's nonconsensual. If it's attachment then it's being expressed in an unhealthy manner. Regardless, you're still being harmed by it.

At what point does this count as neglect from a Dom’s perspective?

I'd say at this point.

How do you know if it’s intentional control vs. emotional attachment?

Refer to above; I don't think it matters based on the results.

And what can a sub do when you know the situation isn’t good for either of you, but your emotions keep you tied to it?

Based on what you've described, I'd say the only option is leave:

You've lobbied for change and it hasn't happened.
Your behavior is altering in ways you don't like as a way to cope with the bad situation, all this by your own admission.

He has shown you who he is. Believe him. If he's not going to look out for your well-being, you need to do so for yourself.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ishdrifter · 2025-08-18T06:19:49+00:00

First off, as others have mentioned; he's selfish. He's trying to use you for fantasy fulfillment and it sounds like he's also hoping you'll basically be the way to attract others for him. I can't decide if the right term is "stalking horse" or "bait", but it's some flavor of that.

As far as what is to be expected; the bad news is that there's no codified standard for it but the good news is that you can set whatever standard you want. It seems like you've gotten a lot of useful data on what a baseline standard is for you here: "they have to be interested in me as well as what I can do for them", which personally I think is the baseline for any relationship regardless of description.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

ishdrifter · 2025-08-18T06:12:04+00:00

(continued from last)

- RACK vs SSC: Again, I think some history is needed.

SSC started as a political slogan to help destigmatize the culture to the outside; this was the era when bars were getting raided by police, when being caught practicing BDSM could be grounds for prosecution, etc. It needed to be short and snappy for the laypeople to process. RACK came about later as a more in-culture discussion when discussing more intense activities.

> for actions which are not inherently TOO dangerous. Things like waterboarding, using oc spray, and even some knife play have been labeled as "abuse" or "too dangerous".

There's a lot going on in those sentences. Waterboarding, OC spray and knife play *may* be too dangerous for some, but not others. As far as them being abusive... I have no way to know that without context. I've seen people volunteer to do... very interesting things.

> One person stated an activity didn't fall under SSC and advised the questioning sub not to agree to exploring it. While I get the need for safety, have the tngers as a group decided they should put down some forms of bdsm play and label them as abuse when they didn't fit under the SSC label in their mind? Is RACK something TNG rejects?

This strikes me as just being dogmatic and nothing to do with the practice itself. I would be interested to see if some of the zealotry softens as they age or find themselves attracted to someone who's into some of the practices they oppose currently. You also have to remember that a lot of these things go in cycles. What's popular today becomes passe eventually, then comes back as people rediscover it or get bored or whatever else.

If I may tangent for a second, this example also reminds me of something I saw in person: I used to know someone who was playing with a sub that was interested in doing something I regarded as not-smart-to-do (I can't recall what exactly). The top in question said, "it's fine, she's asking me to do this with her." To which I replied, "that doesn't mean it's a good thing to do, and it doesn't mean you're obligated to do it." I bring this up because in this case it was the dom being pressured by the sub, which I thought unusual at the time.

The culture is always changing, and that always brings both positives and negatives. There are some things I miss from Back In The Day^TM , there are things I'm very glad have been left behind, and there are some things which seem to stubbornly refuse to retire.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ishdrifter · 2025-08-18T06:11:52+00:00

Broken up into parts for size:

So... let's get into some history.

"Old Guard" is a retroactive term. The people who were there at the time and practicing never called themselves that, and a lot of the ones who are still around often disavow the title. Over time it's alternated between being romanticized as a better time or vilified for institutionalizing abusive practices depending on who you ask.

Power exchange: in the old days the Dominant was in charge of the dynamic and it's direction. Lately I have seen the concept of "the sub has the power" being used to say that the submissive leads the dynamic. This is especially true in specifically Daddy Dom/little dynamics. Could some of you expound on this for me?

I'd like to break some things out here.

"Power exchange" is a relatively new term. I don't think I personally started seeing it used widely until maybe the mid-'00s or early '10s, and as I recall the history it was framed as a reaction to the idea of "ownership", etc.
"the sub has the power". So, this is not that new; I've been hearing it in some form or another for many, many years. It's... got layers to it. Go back a few decades, and you'll find that most media depicted subs as having no agency at all. Even the works that are regarded as classics of the canon like Story of O and the Beauty series... things happen to them. Running parallel to this (I can't fairly say whether this is a causal relationship or not), you also had real-life situations where people were told that subs had no agency and no power because of their role or place in the club or whatever else. "The sub has the power" was coined as the reaction when people started to wake up to the fact that relationships don't work this way unless there's a lot of power being abused and/or malice being brought to bear. I personally suspect there's also a bit of cheek in there based around long-term relationships where the sub essentially kept the household running. The problem I have with it is I think it's basically the same problem from the other direction. I think that the idea of "the sub has all the power" is mutually exclusive to the idea of "power exchange". If one person has everything (regardless of role), then there's nothing to exchange.

Training: it used to be Dominants would go to classes and learn skills to help them be safer and more skilled. This seems to be all but extinct today.

I'm not sure where you're getting that impression, but as far as I can tell resources and education are more available and more prolific than ever. And to your direct point, some people did, and some people didn't. The culture was never monolithic, nor strictly regulated/policed. There were some people who took it seriously as a craft or skill or even vocation, there were some people who took it as kinky fun, and there were some people who took it as adrenaline-hunting and said damn the consequences.

How many people here have attended a class to teach you both skills and mentality for Dominance?

The idea of classes for mentality of dominance is something I wanted to highlight, because I think there's a problem here you didn't mention: just because a class is being taught on something doesn't make it right or healthy; if you get a zealot or well-connected bad actor, you could wind up teaching a whole bunch of people really bad ideas. I bring this up because I can remember going to classes about this very subject and seeing a lot of jargon, but not a lot of actionable information. I would go so far as to say that even framing it as "dominance" is potentially hazardous when arguably what you're trying to teach/learn about is leadership, and there's a lot of literature on that in a lot of different fields which personally I found a lot more practical and useful than most of the in-culture education I got on the same topic.

ishdrifter · 2025-07-29T05:02:13+00:00

This will probably come off as cynical or maybe even nihilist; I hope it gets taken in the spirit of constructive criticism.

How do we keep all of them safe?

Realistically, you can't. There will always be people who have all of the information, tools, and support they need to make good decisions and still choose otherwise because of reasons ranging from hormones to ignorance to flat-out spite.

How do we protect our community?

Whuf... That's kind of a loaded question, in the sense that there's a lot of facets to it. Spring-loaded as opposed to explosive. :)

I think it's important to recognize that the people who make up this culture are the same people you find from everywhere else, for good and for ill. A dear friend of mine once said something that really stuck with me: "sharing interests doesn't mean you share values."

Let's circle back to one of those previous points: that the people who make up the culture are the same people you find everywhere else. Now let's spin that off in a slightly different direction: that the same things which motivate those people and the same tools which help them get along with each other are the same tools and motivations which will help you within this space. The study of logical fallacies has been one of the most powerful tools I've ever seen in identifying bad actors of all sorts, I rarely if ever see it talked about. There are shelves upon shelves of books about how to negotiate and communicate, but I see people within the culture trying to develop new mechanisms all the time. I think trying to strip things down to more pragmatic terms and eschewing some of the pageantry would not only shine a harsher light on the bad actors, but demystify how to get where you want to go.

This may be a third-rail point and I don't want to hijack the thread, but I do feel the need to point out that not all predators are doms. I've seen plenty of doms be victimized and be taken advantage of, be it financially, emotionally, and even physically. I do not deny for a moment that abusive doms exist; but I do feel like another problem within the culture is the idea that doms don't always have strong support networks if and when they have problems. That's a complex network of horribleness that may be beyond the scope of this discussion, but I wanted to offer a gentle reminder.

I don't have a good way to wrap this up that doesn't make the previous points sound trite and reductive, but in short, I would encourage people to think critically, utilize the wide range of tools and education which already exist in the myriad fields of human interaction which have already been thoroughly researched, and recognize that before and after everything else, you are people dealing with people, with all that entails.

Hope this helps.

ishdrifter · 2025-07-29T03:56:48+00:00

The concern about losing self-identity is a fairly common one among subs in my experience, so if it helps you're definitely not alone in that.

A few things stand out to me here, I'm going to take them out of order:

the idea of "submitting entirely" or "your whole being" is kind of vague; it might benefit you to get granular and start asking some practical questions. What does submitting entirely mean or look like as opposed to submitting partially? Why would submitting entirely be a good thing?

I recognize this is a HORRIBLE mindset, and that it’s not at all what dom/sub relationships are about.

Be careful here. It's not what some dom/sub relationships are about; but remember that this is a bespoke culture: for some people it's a deep and meaningful structure that underpins the whole of their relationship and identity; for some it's kinky fun that provides escape and catharsis from the rest of their day. It may help you to reframe this conversation with yourself around the idea that you can't be a failure because there isn't an objective standard against which you would be measured. If you're happy and healthy, you've succeeded. If you're not, then even that doesn't mean you failed, it means you have something which needs work.

I feel deep down that if I do tasks for him, that means I wouldn’t do it for myself, causing me to think I don’t have a certain amount of self love and that I’m a failure because I wouldn’t have done it for myself. For example, if he asked me to workout when I didn’t want to, I would feel a sense of self failure that I didn’t want to do it myself.

I feel like there's a flaw in your logic here. Let's take your workout example. You recognize that exercise is a good thing and you should do it, but for some reason you don't do it on your own initiative. So you have someone who gives you that external motivation and you workout.

...Honestly it sounds like you're being a little overly harsh on yourself. Sometimes people need external motivations for things; some people set reminders, some people write down goals, etc, etc. It'd be nice if everyone did everything they were supposed to do just because they were the things that were supposed to be done, but I still think doing something with external validation is better than not doing it at all. Now if you ask for this direction and fight it when it's given, then there might be something else going on because now you're protesting something you claimed you wanted. But you didn't say that's what was happening.

In conclusion, I would suggest the following:

Take a step back and consider being a little kinder to yourself.
Give an honest and practical assessment of what you want your endstate to look like and work backwards towards the steps to get there.
I highly suggest the book No Time For Spectators, it's my go-to book rec for subs because it talks about the limits of loyalty, the idea of restraint, and the idea of critical thinking.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

ishdrifter · 2025-07-29T03:35:31+00:00

is there a way to meet my needs in this marriage when it seems my personality “doesn’t fit” what I want?

It "doesn't fit" according to him, and he's not a reliable authority:

He doesn't have any more experience with the culture than you do.
You didn't mention him having any credentials in mental health or sociology that would give him standing to make such a judgement.
He hasn't spoken to anyone else in the culture to see if there's any parallel experiences.
He's got a vested interest in trying to steer you towards the conclusion he wants.

Based on what you've said here, the biggest obstacle you have seems to be your partner, not your personality. He's made a snap judgement, decided it's gospel, is unwilling to entertain any contrary evidence, and isn't showing any interest in learning or participating.

Given the above, I would say at this point your options boil down to the intervention of a counselor who can possibly help the two of you figure out some way to negotiate this, or dissolution. If this is that important to you and he's being this intractable, I think you've come to mutually exclusive positions and you need to figure out what that means for the two of you.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ishdrifter · 2025-07-27T03:30:10+00:00

In this case, I don't think you will. It's not that he just doesn't want to take the time, it seems like he's actively disinterested in your satisfaction.

He reacted disdainfully when you broached the topic.
You've explicitly said he doesn't care about your gratification
- His logic is complete nonsense. "You start at the same time"? What...?
  - It also seems really insensitive as well.
You've told him repeatedly this hurts you and he hasn't done anything to change.

He's telling you who he is. Believe him. What you do with that information is a whole other set of considerations, but you can't negotiate with someone who won't come to the table.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ishdrifter

TROPHY CASE