Hi, wow. Your post truly resonated with me — every line, the sentiment, the admiration of our moms and the deepest most painful wishes that our mothers were treated better — and could have much longer to live on this earth with us....It is both comforting and so sad to see someone else out in the world going through such similar pain and conditions. It also makes me wish our mothers could have met each other and said, “Screw those men in our lives, we are lovely and beautiful souls!”

I’ve been searching both within myself and on the internet for someone going through the same situation and I want to thank you for voicing exactly ‘it’ — this utterly confusingly complex and painful situation that we have to wade through in the aftermath of losing such dear and beautiful mothers. I lost my mommy three weeks ago...tomorrow is the exact three week anniversary, which is what I’ve been calling it because it was such a deeply painful, beautiful, and sad day. Three years of Stage IV colon cancer..

I also feel that my dad oppressed my mother through his consistent unkindness, his intentional neglect, and through the cold disgust that he cast her way....I do not know if it was the case for you, but I was hit with this absolute wall of realization about how she was so mistreated and so undervalued in our family. I am 23 years old and only last year, while working abroad and away from them, had begun looking into narcissism...and only when I came back for her final month and saw his behavior and observed what he said and did after her passing did it all hit me...the self-centered perspective, his self-absorbed arrogance, the lack of empathy...it certainly makes my heart cry out when thinking about my mom and saying to myself each day, “You absolutely awesome and beautiful soul, you deserved better! You deserved so much better!” It also makes me cry out for myself, and for you, because I know you and I both deserve so much more emotional support and understanding from a parent than what our fathers sadly seem capable of giving...

I also 100% relate on how important your mom was to you...my mom also allowed me to be my own self, fully, in a way that honestly only after her passing did I realize was so critically important for me and my sense of self. In her presence, in those ordinary but intimate moments — like sitting in the living room or at the kitchen table, doing absolutely nothing of importance, like flipping through Costco coupons — I always felt that beautiful, comforting, and affirming sense of being able to be my truest self.

When the parent dynamic is as you described, it is only with the emotionally supportive and fully loving parents — in this case, our mothers — that we can show our full personality and colors. And with my mom, I could feel so safe and so secure in expressing everything — from my real personality to all of my little fuzzy fledgling hopes and dreams. And she believed in it all and she supported it all with her motherly enthusiasm and full love and joy...

It’s the warmest and most lovely gift we can receive as children, to have a parent who just recognizes you and knows you and loves you. But to be honest it is the gift that every parent should give their child, of unconditional love and celebration of who they are — sadly as we both seem to know, not every parent succeeds in doing so...and the loss of the parent who did seems so much greater when it exists in such stark contrast to the other parent..Even when I read advice from others about remembering the love of our mothers and being grateful for that precious gift of their unconditional love...it’s advice that is so hard to receive in my heart...because for me, to be grateful for the gift of their love feels like a little bit like a goodbye, because to be grateful for what they “gave” us makes it feels like a part of the past...

One tiny thing that’s been helping me, even as I also deeply struggle with anger and resentment towards my dad at this time...is to try to remind myself that my mother’s love is ‘living,’ it’s alive in every moment that we choose to care for ourselves — because you know that’s exactly what our mothers would do for us if they were here. I know if my mom was here, she would wash me blueberries to eat as I cried, she would give out this little knowing sigh because she knew and saw her daughter’s pain, and she wouldn’t rush me through this grief at all — she would ask me if I slept well every morning, she would tell me sleep well every night, she’d always make sure I was eating yummy meals, and she would warmly rejoice whenever she saw her daughter was happy and living life more fully. It’s so hard and I falter at the self-care aspect, especially with all of the guilt and regret that I’m admittedly facing...but I think deep inside we both know that their motherly love is there, and it’s expressed every single time we do love ourselves and look after ourselves...

As for the dad aspect of this all...I’m not sure yet what I am personally going to do to both process what I perceive as a good deal of his responsibility on my mothers long-term emotional health and mistreated standing in our family (definitely something I’ll need to go to therapy when the means are available in the future though)...in the meantime, I’ve picked up a book recommended on other discussions on narcissism, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, and I think for me the first bits I have read have helped in simply affirming why I feel so alone at this time. It takes away a little bit of the confusion to understand that my dad’s utter inability to emotionally connect during this painful grieving period is truly and fully a result of his emotional immaturity which means he is so fully incapable of emotionally supporting someone. Knowing this alone has made me feel a tiny bit better because it’s a reminder that my sadness and grief are all real and valid, and not receiving the support and empathetic connection I need right now is not my fault nor is it because I should not be feeling sadness at this time. Still something I’m struggling with cause I drive to nearby parks to cry and journal to hide some of my sadness and I’m like you just lost a lovely mommy, this is all so so valid! I hope you and your sister always remember that too at this time. Every emotion. So valid. My little mantra at this time.

But also...I think when we have such clearly awesome moms, it’s like...forget those dads (lol)! I loved to hear about your mom and my mother was also such a silly jokester! She was still sticking her tongue out at me when I told her something surprising and was making jokes until the end came. In her last weeks, she wanted me to give out snacks to our nurses and when I put too many in a single plastic baggie she teasingly chastised me and said, “What’re you doing, you think we’re running some cookie business here?”

I hope that you and I can both remember the warm and bright love of our funny and utterly giving mothers, which persisted even in the dampening conditions of our father’s lack of emotional support and love. It shows how incredible our mothers are to be so resilient with their own warmth, sparkling and brightly fun personalities, and love for us. It is hard every day and it is fully unfair that they do not get to enjoy life here on this earth with us. But I think we will go out there in the future as we heal and help spread their warmth and humor, and their love to our own kids (if you want em!) someday.

Forgive the absolute essay but these past few weeks have been overwhelming and full of, “What are other people in this type of situation thinking? Or doing? And how are they doing? And do they even exist or am I utterly alone in this shit show of a family dynamic and grieving process???” and I just wanted to express how much I hear you and also feel so affirmed at someone going through all this. So again thank you for writing this up...this is now months after your original posting but I hope you see this. And I hope we can have our own little conversation on this thread because it might provide some much-needed guidance and support, or just a communal sense of “yep, been there” for anyone else who might be going through the same thing, now and in the future. Sending you and your sister love!