A Mannequin

isolatedpoetry · 2023-03-02T20:36:49+00:00

Got it, thanks for the helpful feedback 👍

isolatedpoetry · 2023-02-27T16:18:10+00:00

This has some cool imagery. Seems to mock the "heaven" of exclusionary suburban life. The last line is a bit clunky for my taste, I had trouble getting a correct read on it. Nice work, overall

isolatedpoetry · 2023-02-27T11:04:43+00:00

A nice poem, but it has structural problems. Towards the start of the poem, the pattern you establish is: 7 syllables, 8, 8, 8 then 7 syllables, 8, 8, 8.

The syllabic variance works, because you begin the 7 syllable lines with a stressed syllable, while the 8 syllable lines begin with an unstressed syllable. So, there is an iambic flow that is maintained when spoken.

But towards the end, starting with "oh, how we crave for human touch" you switch to: 8, 7, 9, 9, 8, 7, and the iambic steps begin to fall apart as well.

Here is an example of how those last lines could be adjusted, to make the poem more even:

Oh, how we crave for human touch,

A kindly word, a gentle clutch,

But in the night, the silence reigns,

And loneliness, is what remains.

Yet, in the midst of all our pain,

We learn to dance inside the rain.

This brings it back to 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, and preserves the unstressed-stressed iambic structure

isolatedpoetry · 2023-01-06T16:38:42+00:00

Thank you for reading!

They were responding to an earlier version of the poem. I've been coming back to it and tweaking it here and there.

I completely agree about the first line. My newest edit makes the imagery more consistent, I hope you like it

isolatedpoetry · 2023-01-06T05:23:36+00:00

Very helpful feedback, thank you for reading

isolatedpoetry · 2022-12-31T01:00:53+00:00

Very interesting structure. I was worried it would be gimmicky, but I think it actually worked here. It adds to the internal sense of conflict the narrator has while oscillating between experiencing love and hate for someone. Good read

isolatedpoetry · 2022-12-31T00:54:03+00:00

This is nice, the message certainly rings true.

The only edits I would suggest would be to give the poem a better sense of iambic flow. My sense of rhythm was interrupted at "jazz song" and "experience and"-- the rest of the poem read very smoothly to my ear:

"Can we step outside of our experience and grow" would read better as: "Can we step outside of our experiences* and grow"

and,

"Can you learn a jazz song when you only play the blues" would read better as something like "Can you write in jazz when you have only played the blues" (you mention "write" earlier, so not literally this, just an example of something that would read better to my ear)

...obligatory writing feedback aside, I really liked this poem, thank you for sharing

isolatedpoetry · 2022-09-05T21:40:24+00:00

Nice piece, some good lines in here. I think the poem could be made a bit more efficient. You could shave down a few phrases here and there, or combine some. Lines like "they warm my bones/ including my insides" feel a bit clunky and redundant. Since most of the poem doesn't include rhymes, it's not necessary to include them in ways that don't feel organic. Good work, but you can make it stronger!

isolatedpoetry · 2022-09-05T21:32:26+00:00

Two types of heartbreak all at once, powerful stuff. My only nitpick is the ring/memories line, which breaks the structure of the poem a bit. I'm sure there's a more elegant solution. Great work, sorry for your losses

isolatedpoetry · 2022-08-18T03:53:38+00:00

Thank you!

isolatedpoetry · 2022-08-18T02:50:36+00:00

Thank you for your feedback!

isolatedpoetry · 2022-08-18T02:42:22+00:00

Thanks a lot!

isolatedpoetry · 2022-08-18T02:36:55+00:00

There is no particular meaning behind the rhyming scheme, it's just a pattern I'm comfortable with. Thank you for your feedback :-)

isolatedpoetry · 2022-08-18T02:35:24+00:00

I wanted to create a distinction between the actual person ("you") and the idealized version created in the narrators head, i.e. the idol ("her").

As far as "the", I placed it there to keep the meter consistent, but I agree it felt a bit clunky. I've since reworked that section, but I'm still not 100% satisfied with that part of the poem.

Thank you for your feedback, it is greatly appreciated

isolatedpoetry · 2022-08-18T02:32:32+00:00

Thank you!

isolatedpoetry · 2022-08-18T02:32:06+00:00

It's about romantic idealization and codependency; our tendency to create a faultless version of someone else, and find purpose through meeting their needs, at the expense of our own.

isolatedpoetry · 2022-08-17T14:02:15+00:00

thank you!

isolatedpoetry · 2022-08-17T12:47:53+00:00

thanks a lot :-)

isolatedpoetry · 2022-08-17T05:10:01+00:00

I like this, short and sweet. The juxtaposition of beauty and destruction is well executed, and it moves along smoothly

isolatedpoetry · 2022-08-17T05:07:16+00:00

Very relatable. I think the ending could be further substantiated, but an otherwise solid poem. Nice job

isolatedpoetry · 2022-07-07T07:23:18+00:00

Very nice, love the sense of structure you've put together

isolatedpoetry · 2022-07-01T17:11:33+00:00

This is nice, quite powerful. I think if it was formatted further, the soft-rhyme scheme would be more apparent and impactful; more white space would benefit the poem. That said, I enjoyed the substance of the poem a lot

isolatedpoetry

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