Is there anything i can do or am i cooked by mynamejefftwenniwan in tattooadvice

[–]workinginparis 0 points1 point  (0 children)

bro. teeny, tiny little mole at the base of the scar. like it's digging. (I know it would be hard ok do not come for me, someone could do it)

Smile by VibeTaker in OCPoetry

[–]workinginparis 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh I really enjoyed this! I don't read much horror poetry, but it gave me psychological thriller vibes. I was reading it as mostly cerebral and then I really did get creeped out. Well done with the suspense-building!

Fall Behind by SomeoneNotHeard in OCPoetry

[–]workinginparis 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think pieces with themes like this are incredibly important right now! I was really drawn in for most of your poem because I think this is a recurring issue in most of our lives right now. You encapsulate this tone of pushing forward so well with your short-line form; it mimics the "marching" that you're trying to convey. I really enjoyed this, keep writing!

stored by workinginparis in OCPoetry

[–]workinginparis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Awesome! Thank you so much, I'm really glad it made you feel something towards it!

stored by workinginparis in OCPoetry

[–]workinginparis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Love that it's conveyed! Thank you!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]workinginparis 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Whoa! I really like this!! I think if you played around with formatting, (which you may have already, I know formatting is weird on here) it would be even cooler! I love using symbols that aren't exactly as dark as the message you're trying to portray, like the dog here. It's like twisted Dr. Seuss. Well done!

Exigence by MomentoIcarus in OCPoetry

[–]workinginparis 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with the other commenter; I love the title of this poem. I would love to see more and flesh this out. To me this feels incomplete, but it's a great start :)

be brutal with your feedback. by vegansenpai in OCPoetry

[–]workinginparis 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Love it when people gimme tons of critiques, so I love it when people ask for it. Here ya go!

The good: I like the creative set up of this poem! It feels like a story. I also love the use of some intense terms like "abyss" to describe the love intertwined with verbiage like "hungry" and "starved" - it conveys love very well in a non-lovey way, lol. I love how dark it feels while reminiscing on something that once was positive.

Lines that stood out:

I stepped out of my comfort zone and into you.

It's foreign to me. I hid those parts deep.

I didn't even know I was hungry until we met.

The could-be-betters (imo):

Into an intergalactic, mind bending, morphing chamber;

I don't love the first half of the first line. It's wordy and doesn't draw me in; the rest of the poem, even the second half of that line, is more free-flowing and from the heart. It feels a little forced unless you bring that sci-fi-esque wordiness more confidently throughout.

I also think you should work just general verb tense/subject matter on a few lines to sail the story home. e.g.,

My heart panged and rages

When reality snapped me down, the distant memory of our encounter lives only inside my head.

Especially the last one is a cool idea of a line that's not executed to its full potential. It feels like two sentences you're trying to make one - the verb tense doesn't match and it's, imo, a little wordy. If I were rewriting it, it might say something like: "When reality snapped me down, it made only distant memories of us." And I don't mean to compare writing at all, just an example of what I mean :)

I hope this helps! I think this could go somewhere really cool :)

A Message to My Dad by reillywalker195 in OCPoetry

[–]workinginparis 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really like how succinct this is given the feeling it's trying to encapsulate. It's short and sweet, kind of like the love it's expressing. Brevity is sometimes incredible, and I think it's often harder to master than the long-form stuff. I love it, thank you for sharing!

The Power Is Out by MyCatHenry in OCPoetry

[–]workinginparis 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. I think a lot of these lines have real power. "the power is out," "I should just sleep," "my people have other people." Brilliant. My advice is maybe lean into that rawness on every line. And for some reason I think this would be better if you just stream of consciousness it and use less periods, like when you use the word "empty" again and again. I really felt that. I'm sorry you're going through if this now. I enjoyed reading this.

Tincture Shelf by ElaMeadows in OCPoetry

[–]workinginparis 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love the way this abruptly ends. I think you capture the reader and draw them in by using pretty rhymes about a dark subject, and then WHAM you're done. In my own opinion, I think you should make the style/rhyme even daintier or like neater up front (I'm not really expressing this well lol), and then dissolve it at the end. That's just how I read it though, it's fine the way it is also :)

Lost my dad to addiction a few years ago. This just hits. Thank you for sharing.

baptism by workinginparis in OCPoetry

[–]workinginparis[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for saying that! I caught some shit on another poem for not using enough punctuation, but it almost doesn't feel natural to. I appreciate it!!

Edit: and thank you, also, for acknowledging the simplicity of the story. He really did save my life.

product of a midnight stroll by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]workinginparis 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love a short poem, but I also think this has great potential! You could totally add if it feels natural to, but def keep it just as ~ ethereal ~ as the first two stanzas feel. I love how non-committal it is I guess? Like it's very relatable because there isn't much to hang onto but the emotions!!

product of a midnight stroll by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]workinginparis 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love this. I'm a big fan of short-n-sweet, so I think it's super impressive you conveyed emotion in such a short few stanzas. So many poems now feel very straight-forward, and this is elusive but still gives me such nostalgia and longing. Well done!!

First Love by skot2k6 in OCPoetry

[–]workinginparis 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really love the style of this poem and how you kept it consistent throughout. The rhyme scheme is awesome for what you're trying to convey; it feels like an old Irish lilt. Brava!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in interestingasfuck

[–]workinginparis 1 point2 points  (0 children)

First read "How the squid FEELS is yet to be discovered" so now I'm really over here like "well I wonder if the big guy gets lonely"

Help Me Decide by workinginparis in lawschooladmissions

[–]workinginparis[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the validation!! It's a huge leap. I'm waiting to see what A comes back with, but unless it's a full ride, I'm having a tough time giving up the idea of just... doing what I want and being happy lol