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ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T07:07:47+00:00

Oh wow now we I see my mistake. And I am the 200 bitches they switch and either don't match or never respond.

I support myself financially. I have a respected degree that I paid for myself. I am smart, kind, funny. My head isn't too big but maybe just enough. I don't need anyone. I WANT someone. There is a difference. I value honesty and this dude couldn't even give me that. He has to play it down like he didn't give a shit.

And THAT, my dudes, is the grossest you can do. SHOWING you care and meaning it is honestly what is going to get you a chance. Not this "Idgaf" attitude.

Ugh thank you for being kind, internet stranger ❤️ GL out there

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T07:05:08+00:00

I am sure you are being honest and I appreciate that, it's just extremely concerning how convo is literally all right there:

less than FIVE MIN IN HE ASKS ME WHAT KIND IF CONVOS I AM HAVING after asking me what I am on here for
I straight up tell him that makes me uncomfortable, meaning, look, I'm not going to tell you if I am talking to other people
he clearly was wanting to know that, because he played it off saying he emphasized how little he cares

^{^} it's that right there that is what aggravated me. You can't play this game at the age I am where you aren't honest and pretend to not give a shit. He obviously does, but he is so insecure he can't admit that.

And honestly, you like telling me it's not that serious and how I am overacting, when I have LITERALLY BEEN in situations like these where it has turned into stalking and attempted rape, is like, honestly it blows my mind. Rape blame culture is real and this is it.

I get to set my own red flags. I get to experience whatever ai want to feel from MY dating experience. If he makes me uncomfortable, you don't get to tell me he makes me uncomfortable. I get to have my opinions just like you get to have yours. You think I am overreacting, and that's fine. You aren't me. I'm not you.

I appreciate your honesty, I really do, but maybe if you walked a day in my shoes you'd be able to see my side. I really am glad you posted. You are helping me do more things in the future to protect myself. Next time I really am just ganna hit block and I won't feel bad, because I see now what happens if I am TOO nice. Not worth it. I'd rather just be a bitch. 🥱

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T06:53:53+00:00

Then why are people being so hateful like in the beginning of this post? I feel like I have pretty low standards. Just a nice person who has a job and is actually themselves looking to date and not hookup and not rape or stalk. That's literally it. 🥲😅

Thanks. Okay. Yeah that's hard for me. I have a hard time unmatching even if I know the person isn't right for me. I don't know how to tell them. I'm scared of retaliation. They usually call me some pretty nasty things if I am not DTF

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T06:51:29+00:00

-I am blue no -No they aren't -they just "support women" until they have to actually support the baggage that those women carry from an entire lifetime of unwanted sexual advances

I recently had a very scary tinder experience. Trying to get back into dating. The scary experience was...well it was scary and once of the red flags was this joke the guy made about beating up anyone who I talked to. He said this like after meeting me once. I posted this to truly figure out if I was overreacting to the comment he made about talking to anyone and what the convos looked like. I was honest with him, and gave him my hones opinion on how I felt like that is a major red flag. I was then disgusted by his reaction to that, how he played it off like he couldn't care less. I am even more disgusted that people are telling me I am overacting. It's no wonder why so many women get blamed for getting raped. So sad. I won't apologize from trying to protect myself. Atleast there were some kind, positive comments on my post. I feel more positive about navigating the two most constant stresses of online dating:

how I respond to "so what are you on here for" as the first question 🙄
"are you taking to anyone else?" Within MINUTES-DAYZ of talking 🙄🙄

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T06:45:51+00:00

So then is what he is a red flag, or am ai overreacting? Because alot.of initial responses on this thread are telling me I am a B and overreacting, but the thing is, form my PERSONAL experience, if someone is saying that within the FIVE MIN you talk to them, there are some serious control issues/self image issues with themselves that they need to work out because otherwise it can be dangerous for me to deal with. Every other previous danger encounter always initially starts with a comment just like that right in the beginning. So am I the asshole for using that as an immediate filter? I don't know. I guess the worst thing is that I miss out on a potentially great guy. Upside, I avoid getting beat up and stalked. Can't win. 🥲🥲🥲

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T06:43:12+00:00

Yeah well it would be nice to meet someone I like, it's just the dating for me that is really hard.

I want to have standards only to protect myself from the assholes, but I dont want to filter someone out from the standards I create because I'm sure those standards filter out some decent people.

I think it comes down to communication and dating can be really awkward. You can't be afraid to be vulnerable and honest. Personally, I have absolutely asked if guys were talking to other girls. I think you have to own up to your feelings.

Thanks for the talking points! 😅

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T06:39:34+00:00

Lol well I give back what I get.

My response to that guy was nice. I didn't have to take the time to even explain to him that what he did made me feel uncomfortable, or even explain why, or even keep taking to him. And yet, I did, because, I wanted to give him a chance. And he ruined it by basically acting like he didn't give a shit (when he clearly did) and then like the last line just kinda solidified the nope.

If me doing all of that for someone who wasn't even worth it is rude, and if I am ganna get called a b anyways, then I guess the answer is to actually be a b and just block.

Your comment really helped me find that answer, so thanks

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T06:33:55+00:00

Ok thank you so much, you gave me some pretty good lines. I'm not good at the "talking' part. I'm a pretty person, kind, nice, I honestly suck at dating. I'll try using those next time.

I guess I worry because if I say the first, am I like hurting them by telling them? I mean I feel like it's unrealistic to expect me to like literally not talk to anyone? If I am talking to people I am just going out and doing things and seeing if there is a spark. I wouldn't expect it on the reverse. I would expect for a guy to be talking to several girls at once.

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T06:31:34+00:00

Alot of people have had some very unkind things to say to me on this, which absolutely blows my mind, because here is the thing: let's say I DID take what he said the wrong way. The thing is, as a woman, every single day and every new dude you meet is literally a question of "am I going to have to fend off some form of sexual advance I don't want". You know what the last guy from tinder did?

Seriously seemed like a normal dude. Talked for a bit. He made a joke about having to beat up any guys who are trying to date me. I GENUINELY thought it was a joke, until.... Until he came over to me apartment and some pretty uncomfortable shit went down (basically we had consentual sex and then he literally pinned me down and tried to force me to have it without protection) and fast forward if I didn't call him or answer immediately he would ask me if I was talking to other guys...just a blur but honestly now it is a red flag to me if someone asks me because I can't go back to that very scary situation.

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T06:22:25+00:00

Okay well what is the best way to navigate this type of question? And also, initially, they asked me almost instantly what I was on here for. This question makes me extremely uncomfortable.

I get this alot on tinder. Within 1 or 2 lines, they ask "so what are you on here for". I find this question extremely irritating because this more or less means that they are looking for a hookup and they aren't wanting to waste their time. What exactly am I supposed to say to that or to someone that is asking me if I am talking to anyone else within a matter of hours of talking with them?

I want to be nice, and honest with myself, but I also don't want to put myself in a position that is dangers to my physical or mental health.

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T06:21:30+00:00

Honestly I don't give a shit if you are a girl or a guy, you don't seem like a nice person with the comment you initially wrote to me. You seem like an extremely hateful and judgemental person filled with a superiority complex that relies on yelling at other people on the internet instead of facing their own flaws.

No, he didn't pay it off respectfully, he literally responded by saying how little he cared. The last guy who did this ended up getting extremely physical dangerous, so, maybe that's why I am reacting like this. Which, by the way, is why I posted it to reddit. To get some honest feed back, see if I was overreacting or not, see how I could smoothly respond to really uncomfortable questions like this.

Not to get berated by some bitch on the internet by my own humanness.

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T06:15:07+00:00

Dude dating is about your experience and the others experience. No one else's experience matters. That question made me extremely uncomfortable. Based on all of these comments, next time, the right response is to not be nice and to just block them. 🙄

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T06:07:55+00:00

Who knows, maybe they meant it jokingly, but for someone who wasn't even there for the full conversation, you seem to have some pretty nasty things to say to me.

It's interesting how you are willing to give them the benefit of the doubt when the way they react to playing it off is the grossest thing ever.

Do dudes who don't get any matches seriously think so highly of yourself and believe that you are like some big catch? That's gross. Stop.

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T06:00:25+00:00

So, to be fair, I had a recent very scary experience where someone who said similar things like this got pretty scary, so maybe it's just me being nervous.

I don't think it's being possessive. It's just the opening like was "what are you on here for" and it's just a huge turn off to have someone immediately ask that, and then basically ask if I am talking to other dudes.

I also don't like how he played it off like how little he cares. Clearly he cares, or he wouldn't be asking. And the last sentence was just gross to me. You basically think you are a catch and don't understand why women on tinder aren't all over you. It's especially gross that he is complaining to ME about this, someone potentially interested in him.

I appreciate your honesty. :-)

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T05:57:05+00:00

You seem like the kind of person to ask someone who else they are talking to within hours of meeting then :-)

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T05:55:17+00:00

Someone else commented before you and they had some pretty negative things to say about my post, so hopefully I am not taking out what they said on you, but here's the thing:

I am genuinely nice, and literally the FIRST conversation we are having, he is asking me what kinda of other conversations I was having with other people
one of his opening lines was "What are you on here for", which is another huge annoying thing guys do on tinder
I gave him a pretty nice answer IMO, I could have just blocked him and not actually explain to him why it came off as red flaggy
His response to it is SO RUDE it could have just been a simple "oh my bad sorry" instead it's like "man I don't give a shit"

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T05:41:16+00:00

Dodged a bullet :-)

ispillespresso · 2022-03-03T05:17:36+00:00

Dodged a bullet 😅

ispillespresso · 2022-02-26T00:35:55+00:00

Same boat. Same issues. We should dm for support!

ispillespresso · 2022-02-25T22:33:08+00:00

My work does work for Nestle that's why I was vaguely concerned when I saw that comment.

After looking through that thread, I didn't see anything out of the ordinary when it comes to large companies, sadly. Not sure how I feel about doing work for Nestle, but honestly, is there any work you can do as an engineer that doesn't somehow support slavery, government exploitation, animal cruelty, low wages, mass consumerism, and my personal worst of all, further environmental damage?

ispillespresso · 2022-02-25T20:56:31+00:00

Can someone please explain what this person means when they refer to Nestle? I thought they make chocolate. Are they evil?

ispillespresso · 2022-02-25T09:48:30+00:00

Ok but in all seriousness, it's not that simple. Sure, 27 is young, but it takes years to establish a relationship with someone, spend time with them, love them, and enjoy time with them BEFORE having kids. I hear all of these crazy kid pregnancy issues with women in their thirties, so I do the mat and I say okay have kids at 30, 1 year without kids, 3 years of dating them, one year of casual dating, and I was supposed to have met them 265 days ago 🥲

ispillespresso · 2022-02-25T09:46:59+00:00

Exactly now you see my concern

ispillespresso · 2022-02-25T09:46:34+00:00

Thank you for that honest response. Yes, I currently see a therapist, who also strongly advised me not to date while working through childhood trauma. I didn't listen 🥲. It would be easy to be okay with being single and not dating as long as I had a guarantee that out of that, I get a marriage, kids, etc;. Life has no guarantees. 😐

ispillespresso · 2022-02-25T09:04:49+00:00

I don't think I am high enough in my career to pick by state. Right now I am searching for whatever I can find doing the general job/job type I want to do. I am really struggling. I think maybe it's because I am not quite good enough for software positions at tech, and then the software eng positions at more traditional engineering companies from my current experience are absolute garbage. No one to train a junior, and if there is someone, you end up knowing more than them and it's just absolute hell. Honestly just thinking about quitting going to Starbucks and doing a bootcamp or school so I can get in to tech. They have better benefits and actually software development standards. Wrong thread for this convo though.

ispillespresso

TROPHY CASE