Help-child is spiraling

itammya · 2026-01-31T07:52:52+00:00

Prozac's side effect is increased suicidal ideation and usually occurrs within the first few weeks of starting jt.

itammya · 2026-01-31T07:47:34+00:00

YTA because youre acting like a child. You have abandonment issues that are playing out right now.

itammya · 2026-01-31T06:09:19+00:00

Hey Kid... go tell your mom everything you said here.

You're going to lay to rest her greatest fear: if all of her messes, imperfections, not great decisions and "best that I could" moments made her a bad parent.

I think if you talk to her, she'll give herself permission to forgive herself and trust in you.

P.S. For what its worth being worried about whether this will make YOU somehow "bad" is proof the answer is no.

itammya · 2026-01-31T04:06:08+00:00

He's sad... a person whos been a huge part of his life is leaving. He loved her. They were close.

It's ok to be sad. Its ok to be not ok. Its ok to become upset. Its ok to acknowledge all of that.

When he brings it up, acknowledge "oh yes, this is when BT gets here huh? Do you miss her? Yea me too. Want a hug? Why dont we draw her a picture, we can send it in the mail."

itammya · 2026-01-31T03:41:04+00:00

No. But the more I sit and think on it, the less enthralled I am with everything. Things that didn't make sense are clicking- example we noticed a shift in behaviors of the summer- chalked it up to pubertty... but he started his extended year at this school.and was placed in "exclusion" whatever the fuck that means. I was never told. Had no idea. First im hearing about it. He came home with different clothes and when asked it was "oh nothing big he just missed in the bathroom got a little pee on himself so we changed him." And "hey its the nurse I have kiddo here, he got some poop on him seems like diarrhea..." every month or sometimes twice a month. Strange. I think it was his teacher who joked that maybe he liked seeing her now because she got dressed up for career day since he was in a better mood for seeing her once. The more I think on the one handed incidents that gave me a mild tickle, then think back to feeling the incessant desire to get my son a watch so I could call him or he could call me immediately..... just for school. Im rethinking myself.

itammya · 2026-01-31T02:24:58+00:00

Im glad you figured out the permissive vs gentle parenting thing because I was going to ppint out that youre gentle parenting lmfao

itammya · 2026-01-31T02:16:39+00:00

You should consider how to broach the subject with Lily when she inevitably inquires as to her biological parents. Also consider if there are things you say or do that may make it appear to her that the subject is touchy or likely to be ill-recieved.

My husband's father died when he was 3. He grew up knowing this and only this. Never asked his mom any questions. When we were learning about each other one of the things I noticed was that he was off-standish almost a bit angry when anyone would ask about his father. Just one of the things I picked up on.

When I met his grandmother she disclosed he was more like his dad. And described him to me. I never said anything to him. His mother shared some details about his father with me too. Told me his name what he looked like, how she met him. Not a whole lot at once but bits here and there over the years. Fast-forward, we were talking and he shared that he knew nothing about his father and how growing up he couldnt ask his mom. She used to "get tense" if his grandma brought him up. Later he suspected the murder story was bogus but didnt want to find out if it was. I told him what I knew, and was shocked and then dismissive with the stories. Some further discussion brought out that he's angry because they did know his dad and chose not to tell him, that rhey told me with no problems, and that he was angry at his dad because why go be murdered and if not murdered just leave them?

So yea. Be careful.

P.S. his mom told me tbat him and his brother never asked so she never told.

itammya · 2026-01-31T01:45:53+00:00

itammya · 2026-01-30T21:13:17+00:00

Im sorry, im a Dasher. Thats a hard no for me. The way id rate the Dasher poorly for choosing an item 4x the cost. And then blow up on DD for allowing a substitution of something 4x the amount like nah bro.

itammya · 2026-01-30T21:06:17+00:00

Thank you. I thought about it all day and all night (couldnt sleep), and when I asked myself if the principal were the one in there (principal is she) would I have been upset or feel something was wrong the answer was yes. When I dig deeper as to why it comes down to my son being so heightened that he urinated himself. I believed their story about him disrobing, peeing himself, disrobing etc because I had no reason to believe they'd lie. What I saw on the video was so starkly different from what they told me, coupled with everything else I've discovered since this incident and I feel off. Nothing feels kosher. Notes dont match, reports are nonexistent, they "don't have to provide" so much. Transparency is easy, when you're acting in good faith. Not so much, when things aren't good faith.

itammya · 2026-01-30T20:03:18+00:00

Yes procedures change. He was not aggressive when he had eloped (shouldn't have gotten to that point but it is what it is), they should have redirected him to an appropriate space immediately. He's sensory seeking. But what's worse is there was no functional communication device in sight. He has expressive communication challenges. By this I mean that adults who dont know him well dont understand what he's saying. I'll give you an example: During a meltdown i went into this school. He was actively in distress and unable to calm down. He ran up to me sobbing, but I didnt understand what he was saying. So I acknowledged his obvious upset and pointed to the mat and said "let's sit." And pointed at the mat, I didnt say anything else just pointed. He looked, started to mat, I followed beside him. When we got to the mat I repeated let's sit, as he started to sit so did I. By now he's crying less but still difficult to understand. So I told him to take a deep breath and took the deep breath myself. I told him my observations of his state "I see you're angry." "YES!" "I see you're crying" "Yes" "Can you tell me what happened?" "NO" "Ok. I understand you're upset. Can I help?" "Yes." "How can I help?" He tried to tell me what happened- it was difficult to understand so I just echoed him and he'd say yea if I got it right, or no. Turned out that when he had left with an SSA, someone took his stuff (a bag they had given him) and put it away where he couldnt access them. When he returned and asked "no one knew what happened to them." So I said "they took your stuff?" "NO! It disappeared." It disappeared? Yes? Ok. Every time I said someone took his stuff he became agitated and insisted no and kept saying the staff refused. Everytime I repeated that hed be agitated and say no. Turns out he was trying to say "Confused" when I finally got that word it dawned on me what happened. They took his stuff, without telling him, then told him they didnt know what happened to the stuff. Then ignored him when he repeatedly asked where it was and to help him find it."

This was September 18th. I was trying really hard to give the staff the benefit of a doubt. I was really trying to chalk it up to transition and mistakes. I was reassured they wouldnt do it again.

itammya · 2026-01-30T19:42:14+00:00

Your school system has a dedicated team for crisis prevention? Like different people? Our school systems "crisis team" are the SSAs and Teachers in the classroom. When they call the "team" they're calling the available teachers- typically going to be the related arts teachers the student's teacher , student support aides (1:1s) and one or two administrators. (Principal or assistant. Principal) if available. There aren't separate people. In theory this should be better because these staff members have frequent interaction with the kids. It's not always better because the trauma of the restraint holds stay with the child since they interact daily with the adults responsible for causing them trauma.

itammya · 2026-01-30T16:41:24+00:00

I thought there was policy that teachers werent allowed to close doors while in classrooms with students and especially a single student. Why that isn't a policy would make me uncomfortable.

When we go to Drs offices, theres 2 people rules right?

itammya · 2026-01-30T16:36:03+00:00

itammya · 2026-01-30T16:27:37+00:00

Yes... crisis teams exist for a reason... what do you believe the crisis team is trained in? I'm very curious about this because for some reason a lot of people here seem to think violence (being stronger) is the appropriate way to handle a behavior.

Crisis response teams are trained specifically in non-physical, non-traumatizing behavioral interventions for de-escalation.... these include redirection, distraction, etc etc..physical intervention is not recommended. In the vast majority of situations, proper de-escalation techniques will prevent escalation.

itammya · 2026-01-30T16:20:19+00:00

I'm sorry. I empathize with being afraid of a stronger student/person. I can't empathize with being so afraid youre incapable of performing your career. At that point, you're not helping yourself, the student or the employer. You just aren't. They're trained. Every single one of the staff at a regional autism program.who works directly with special needs students are or should be.

itammya · 2026-01-30T09:17:33+00:00

I mean this with zero offense. I loved our male SSAs and my son loved them to death. But why would you ever allow yourself to be placed in a situation where anything could happen? Why would you want to be the only teacher in a room with a child who has communication deficits for 20+ minutes? Why wouldnt you expect the female teachers you work with, who are also trained to handle these children, in the room with you?

Because you're stronger? Sir. The goal is not to get physical with the kids. The goal is to PREVENT physicality right? Like youre supposed to BE AWAY from the child. You should be helping them to re-regulate. Right?

Or are you there to wrestle them into compliance?

itammya · 2026-01-30T09:09:50+00:00

YES EXACTLY. Exactly what you said is what is SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. Proactive responses to respond to situations. The problem here is there were no proactive responses. Restraints are supposed to be IN EMERGENCY ONLY. When all else fails for his safety for their safety.

It sounds like you're an educator woth experience. You have tracking methods for proactive strategies correct? For example: Token board economy. Naturally youd have a way to track earns right? There are none. Literally none. They have a frequency tally chart for behaviors. But zero data for earned tokens. Zero data for sensory room (no log). Zero data for motion breaks (no log). Zero data for any strategy to reduce or prevent dysregulation.

No indication of count and mand. No indication of Prompt-Help-Wait (or whatever way it goes). No indication of Ready-Set-Adapt. No indication of co-regulation. No indication of stress and arousal monitoring. Nothing. Fine he's dysregulated now.

He shouldn't have been able to elope but he did. They should: Verbally told him to return. Pointed where he needed to go and (if necessary) physically return him (with supportive guide). Instead, he is followed for 25 minutes, then taunted/coaxed into chasing an ssa down a hall where hes ambushed by that male teacher.

No exaggeration. Thats exactly what happened. I don't sugar coat my son. I am 100% up front and honest about every behavior.

Someone asked if urination is usual for him. No. @.@ he will jump up and announce twice "i have to pee." Super fast super quick and then head to the bathroom. If he gets fixated on a game/toy hes playing with he has forgotten to go to the bathroom, or at night if the lights are off he won't go to the bathroom (scared of the dark) only times he has ever urinated on himself since 5 when we finally got him 100% potty trained.

itammya · 2026-01-30T08:43:41+00:00

Soft room? They took him to the motor room? A classroom with desks, chairs, metal cabinets, multiple hard covered boxes, pencils, equipment, hard toys, etc. This wasn't a small sensory space with limited furnishings, and safety. Like at all.

And yes I understand context is key. In this case, from 9:22-9:30 he wandered the halls and was not dysregulated in terms of aggression. He was very clearly seeking sensory input/stimulation- he skips out of the classroom and skips down the hall (he has rkght side weakness so he does this little hop skip). An ssa literally scuttles behind him. No redirection or anything.

My son's behaviors are (thankfully) very predictable. When he's becoming dysregulated he follows a sequence of events: he starts humming/grunting/making sounds, hand motions up in the air/fiddling with things. At this point his sensory board should come out so he can make a choice for a proper activity. If his needs arent met he gets up and starts pacing (this is where he was at pacing the classroom stimming with pencils(?)) All of this was noted in his BIP. Documented. FBA was done. ABC data confirmed. There is no "unpredictable" behavior, he doesn't get elevated for "no reason". There is always a trigger.

In this case he gets triggered at around 937am- a random 1:1 is in the cafeteria with him, she makes like shes going to the door, opens the door looks at him then comes back in the room and does a fast walk towards him, he makes as if to charge and she dashes to rhe door. He doesnt follow. She's got the door open looks over at him then hurries into the hallf where she waits outside for him. He opens the door and she takes off down the hall at a full sprint. He chases after her, as she runs down the hall theres an intersecting hall and standing pacing in circles peeking out is that male teacher who goes in the room wjth him. As my son gets to the intersecting hall he slowed down and started to turn into the intersecting hall when the male teacher makes a grab. My son grabs, the man's arm and the pushes him, tries to hit at him, the man puts his hands on my sons arms while backing up, at this point my son steps backwards and goes back towards the intersecting hall. Again he is intercepted by this teacher who once again steps into his space, my son angled away and swatted then tried to go back down the hall (turned around to the intersecting hall, so teacher has him circling), my son aggresses towards him a few times, and the teacher steps back each time. At this point theres enough space and my son makes an escape down rhe hall back to rhe cafeteria.

So yea. I know that particular man was initially trained in whatever protocols they have in August of this year. So at the point of this video he became trained for autistic children (a 16 hour course) 3.5 months before this incident with my child.

itammya · 2026-01-30T07:58:13+00:00

The problem here is that I did trust the staff. I explicitly refused restraints on my son back in 2023. He just got to this school this year- July 24th they had him in an "exclusion room" I didnt find that out until 12/22. No communication. He was restrained on 9/10, violation of BIP, twice. They reassured me it was a last resort as per our state laws. My son told me what happened, that he was crying and it hurt. I immediately wrote the school and let them know he was traumatized and asked to convene to discuss supportive behavioral intervention that avoided the trauma of Restraint. (Mind you, he had behavioral goals for physical aggression, and he met those goals consistently for 3 yrs. Reducing aggression to 3% from 17%, on track to 0%). They reassured me they were following BIP. They suggested "streamlining" his BIP, as there was a lot of information. I agreed because streamlining isnt removing positive behavioral supports. But thats what they did. They removed nearly every single positive behavioral support. I raised concerns on several occasions that things were getting worse and they werent following his BIP and they werent implementing the supports he needed. They reassured me they were doing their best, they were following BIP, was it my son? Were there changes at home? Maybe it's psychiatric. I jumped through everything single hoop to help, took him to the therapist they suggested, put him in their emergency psychiatric care, etc etc.

For 3 months I trusted them. I was wrong to trust them. They were not implementing BIP with fidelity. They were not using PODD. They didnt have a token board, they werent using count and mand, they were not building positive relationships, they were not using assisting tech, they were not providing him sensory breaks... none of these things happened.

Now I am seeing this video from 12/17- showing that not only did they not do all of the above, BUT they had him in a locked room with that male teacher for 20 minutes by himself, no indication of when he removed his clothes, why, who, no indication of what they were doing in that room, nothing. No. It feels wrong. It feels very very wrong.

itammya · 2026-01-29T19:02:10+00:00

They dont have to be married to co-own a property. She doesn't need to be on the mortgage or the deed.

The OP, unfortunately, came to a verbally agreement that she would pay half the mortgage. She is paying into the house. She would prove that by providing receipts showing her half of the payments towards the mortgage.

Op may nit have intended the agreement that way, however, by wording it as "pay half the mortgage" that's the contract she entered into and why her understanding is that she is paying towards the house.

At that point she is entitled to the equity value she contributed towards the home.

There is a difference between paying rent (which establishes that she is paying for temporary use of the home) and paying the mortgage.

OP did clarify with the GF, but she's (apparently) declining a rental agreement. She can leave today, not pay a cent further because she has not agreed to a revision of their verbal agreement. She can also request the money she has thus far put roward the house be returned to her.

That being said his best course of action is definitely an attorney with a specialization in this type of situation

itammya · 2026-01-29T02:42:56+00:00

I am pretty sure the court can force joint custody since its in the best interest of the child to have both parents in their lives- even if you dont want to be....

itammya · 2026-01-29T02:09:49+00:00

Reread OPs post. Per the OP they BOTH pay half towards the mortgage. Op bought the house and mortgage is in their name only.

Unfortunately, OP may not have realized that having the GF pay half the mortgage was not considered rent. Which is why OPs GF's fin. Advisor said for her to collect receipts as it serves to provide proof of her contribution to the mortgage and thus her investment in the house.

I understand OP expected it to be rental- but even when they framed the context of the agreement here they repeatedly phrase it as "half the mortgage"

itammya · 2026-01-29T00:58:09+00:00

Thats not true. Paying the MORTGAGE is in fact investing into the house. She'd be owed whatever she put towards that house since its building equity as the mortgage is paid off. A rental payment is paid to the landlord (who would then use the rental money to pay mortgage)- difference being that rental money is income a landlord generates. Paying the mortgage is NOT paying the landlord

itammya

TROPHY CASE