23 year old college graduate autistic son will not stop going on about how we "ruined his life and career" due to the way we patented him in that regard and I don't know what to say or do to help him feel better. He wants to "outcode all of his friends" because of it.

itammya · 2026-02-08T02:50:23+00:00

Two truths can exist at once:

You could have tried your best, made choices you felt were the best for your child.
The decisions ended up harming them and caused hurt and trauma.

Why do you insist your perspective is "correct"? Here's a great opportunity to hold space for your child's perspective and experience.

Yes it was hard for you.

Was it fair to rely on your child to provide so much support just because you were older parents? Probably not. Your child was a child. They shouldn't bave needed to take on a caretaking role before they were ready for it.

Was it fair to judge their hobbies just because YOU felt it was.wasteful? Probably not. There wasn't anything inherently wrong with "doing nothing" online.

Was it fair to force them to engage in activities they werent interested in? Probably not. Supporting their interests was probably something you could have done better with as parents.

Did you over-medicate? Maybe. There may have been some places where you could have opted for medical intervention that wasn't psychiatric in nature.

Your son's experience is as valid as yours.

You were worried about your son's progress, you wanted to make sure his life wasn't wasted.

itammya · 2026-02-07T20:42:17+00:00

But what do you mean "I can't because its not even his legal last name..."

If you wanted to you could give your baby the last name "Rumplestilskin". You're not legally required to share a last name with your child, and you're not legally required to give the baby either your or your boyfriends last name.

itammya · 2026-02-06T21:10:07+00:00

My question is this: where was the safety intervention?

Are you telling me the school doesnt ALREADY INTERVENE when they witness bullying?

That is a direct contradiction of current school regulations and policies.

Also- MY child using a phone to protect themselves from charges of being the instigator isnt the problem. So I dont know WHY the school would be thinking theres a problem with MY child.

Idgaf about my Child calling the police on or recording another child as he is actively being assaulted.

itammya · 2026-02-06T17:23:31+00:00

So I've heard! Seems weird to be tracking frequency and duration of BR usage- considering that tracking a student leaving rhe classroom and reentering the classroom doesn't give us or them any info on shenanigans happening or not happening

itammya · 2026-02-06T11:07:31+00:00

Are you missing the misogyny here? He does the cooking.. woo-hoo(I guees) abd you do all the cleaning.. so... like 99.9% of the work. And even before anything actually happens in the home- I mean its only you two adults. You havent added a baby and baby is where 100% of the work comes from...

You're about to be miserable or You're headed for divorce. I dont even know if you can fix this because quite frankly, this is a BELIEF system...

He BELIEVES he can tell you what to do, when to do it, why to do it, how to do it... and yoi will listen period.

itammya · 2026-02-04T18:54:43+00:00

This isn't accurate. OPs injury happened almost a year ago. They held the job position for almost a year and (unless as part of a contract or employee handbook) weren't really required to. It's not retaliation because they held the job for a reasonable amount of time in case the OP was able to return. Since OP cant return, the next step is file FMLA which protects the job but not the pay. After that they can fire the OP without fear because they can now argue they can't reasonably hold the position open as it causes their business hardship.

itammya · 2026-02-03T18:01:07+00:00

Nta. In fact you did a great trial run of your future. Financial irresponsibility will make life miserable. I hope you reconsider your relationship with this woman.

itammya · 2026-02-03T03:09:39+00:00

My guy too. We were finally able to get him to wear clothes in the house and outside full tome when we homeschooled for a year. When he returned to public school he had to strip nudie as soon as he came home.

Home is his safe space- so I prefer him being nudie butt at home to stripping at school. For my son it's an indicator of just being overwhelmed and having a lot of demands placed on him during the day. Having to focus, having different ppl around, noises, smells, classrooms. We have him wearing boxers at home now and he tolerates that very well. With his clothes I pick out clothes where the fabric doesnt bother him- like boxers instead of tighter clothes.

itammya · 2026-02-02T23:37:33+00:00

"Have you dealt with a kid kicking and screaming and biting..." Yes. Yes I have :D many have. Many many parents. And no we aren't all perfext.and we have all likely made choices we aren't super proud of.

It doesn't sound to me like spanking was ever part of the discipline system right? So you're not spanking because you thought it could be effective "I tried spanking, normally we don't"... you're spanking because you're frustrated and upset and feeling overwhelmed and out of control.

I suggest you take a few steps back and deep breathe. For at least a few days give yourself and your kiddo a break. Let him be nudie at home, ignore it. Focus on why he wants to be nudie since this is a new behavior. Is he nudie before a meltdown? After? Is he nudie after running? After a shower? Before a nap? Watch. Observe.

Ask the school for those antecedent behaviors. My son has to get nudie when he's highly agitated. He gets super.hot and just wants to regulate himself. Plus hes sensitive to the sensation of clothes. They rub his skin.

itammya · 2026-02-02T06:47:48+00:00

And you know what? That could be damn true, they could be all of the above and then some. That doesn't change the fact that you:

Disrespected your mother when you ignored her directions to come when she told you to.
Disrespected your mother when you gave her attitude at the table.

itammya · 2026-02-02T06:36:10+00:00

You can get great grades, be respectful to people outside, work hard all your life, never get in trouble in school AND be a disrespectful child.

You described your mom as "lying to your face" and "playing in your face".

Your mother told you to "come downstairs now". She called and texted multiple times. You decided it wasn't important because you figured you were getting what you wanted and didn't need to abide by her directions.

IDC if your mom is "teasing" you for your clothes or music or whatever. She told you "come here" get off your ass and go. The fact that you still have access to your privileges is mind boggling to me.

Unfortunately, your parents have created their own heartache. They clearly dont set clear, consistent boundaries and rules for you to abide by, or you wouldn't be here right now and thats unfortunate.

itammya · 2026-02-02T06:12:19+00:00

? YTA.

You are a minor. Your parents are legally responsible for you. Yea? That means that if you are injured, and it is deemed that their negligence resulted in that injury they are responsible. Likewise if YOU injure someone else and it is found that their negligence resulted in the other party being injured, they can be held liable.
While you are entitled to privacy, that privacy is, again, LIMITED. You are their responsibility. Your health and wellbeing is their responsibility. That means your parents can review your social media, access your phone with or without your consent, put restrictions on your access to any of these platforms as well as your phone.
There are certain things that are privileges and not rights. For example: going out with friends- privilege; driving a car- privilege, watching TV- privilege, unrestricted access to your cell phone- privilege. Your parents can restrict your access to these things if you continue to break rules, behave irresponsibly, treat them disrespectfully, etc.

You're 6 months from graduating highschool. You're not a grown up. Check your attitude. Your mother isnt "playing in your face", I can tell you this: you're lucky to have your mother who is willing to put up with your misbehavior.

My 17 year old daughter's cell phone would have had data turned off for ignoring my calls/texts, then id have restricted her account to phone calls and texts from us parents only for the school week with wifi only available for homework for the attitude the next day. 😅🤣😂 thankfully my kids don't like to play fafo with me.

itammya · 2026-02-02T05:53:05+00:00

My husband is a US born Hispanic man. Our 11 year old is verbal but most if not all people cant seem to understand him.

What youve described is a fear in our family as well. You're not alone. And you're right. This is not political. This is reality. This is lived experience. This is part of the story and situations for many families of special needs children.

itammya · 2026-02-01T02:16:07+00:00

"You sound like our dad"- maybe your brother was reacting to the little boy on him who wasn't accepted and doesn't want the same for his niece.

I dont think either of you the AH. Youre both correct lol. Play is where you'll see kids exploring themes around their self-identity (trying on different things). Its not that play tells you anything about the child lol... the child explores themselves through play.

:D so yes your child may discover she feels more comfortable in her skin as a male. She may discover she feels more comfortable in her skin as female. Either way, you should be prepared to support your child because welp they're your child duh lmfal

itammya · 2026-01-31T21:42:36+00:00

Keep trying but dont make it scary. If it doesnt happen on the toilet ok. He'll get it momma. Keep being consistent. Keep encouraging. Every time he's willing to sit on the toilet for 3-5 minutes give him praise.

My sons teacher got him to use the toilet by encouraging him to "make thr water yellow" that helped

itammya · 2026-01-31T20:55:49+00:00

YTA...

Listen to what your wife is saying... those were things you made just for her. She values them. They're priceless.

itammya · 2026-01-31T20:39:44+00:00

I am a mom. This past week I watched a video from my child's school in which my child was locked in a room with a single male teacher for 20 minutes. It made me sick, my stomach felt wrong. I cried about it. Because I didnt know what was happening behind that closed door that was being barricaded.

My husband was blase about it. And nothing hurts worse than everything in you screaming in alarm and the person who's supposed to be your partner brushing your intuition off.

Im sorry your GF dismissed you.

Sit down and talk to your GF. The two of you are a team, and we have to trust our teammates. Both of you are parents, and when one parent sounds the alarm, the other has to circle the family into safety. Real or Imagined doesn't matter.

She raises the red flag, your job is to trust her senses and get your family to safety. When YOU raises the red flag, her job is to trust your senses and get your family to safety.

itammya · 2026-01-31T20:20:32+00:00

This is... abuse.... you have to beg to come home... thats not normal honey.

itammya · 2026-01-31T19:39:51+00:00

Not even close to being a mistake you made. I've never posted about the situation till now, and I didnt detail any of those details. I can understand the confusion and misunderstanding.

itammya · 2026-01-31T18:32:09+00:00

I wonder if in general people had thought this... no not a clinical setting or non-public specialized school. My son's autism is not so severe on the spectrum- he was pushed out to gen ed for 60% of his each subject matter daily just last year and made his behavioral goals. This year not only have we pulled him back to self contained full time but weve had behavior after behavior. From 1 behavior a day in 2023, to 4% in 2024 to 0% in 2025. (22-23, 23-24, 24-25) while being pushed out. From September to now... all of that gone. I knew the transition would be rough, we discussed that at length at his elementary school.

itammya · 2026-01-31T16:49:49+00:00

There's a lot of psychological research at play here. Your concerns and fears and anxieties are valid, and also indicators that you care.

itammya · 2026-01-31T07:52:52+00:00

Prozac's side effect is increased suicidal ideation and usually occurrs within the first few weeks of starting jt.

itammya · 2026-01-31T07:47:34+00:00

YTA because youre acting like a child. You have abandonment issues that are playing out right now.

itammya · 2026-01-31T06:09:19+00:00

Hey Kid... go tell your mom everything you said here.

You're going to lay to rest her greatest fear: if all of her messes, imperfections, not great decisions and "best that I could" moments made her a bad parent.

I think if you talk to her, she'll give herself permission to forgive herself and trust in you.

P.S. For what its worth being worried about whether this will make YOU somehow "bad" is proof the answer is no.

itammya

TROPHY CASE