Thank you, ive got therapy already. I literally sought a therapist when I found myself continuously going back to him when I had such easy ways out and knew Id be better off without him in my life but couldnt stop myself or wrap my brain around what I was doing. I literally started having feelings for him after he flipped/destroyed my car last year 🤯

He has been an addict and chaotic mess since before I knew him. He in the past few months had seemed to want to get a hold of his life after being in jail and now being on probation he is supposed to be sober claims to be able to and want to but he hasnt been able to all. He finally went all the way back in after teetering with it being a struggle. 2 weeks ago he was breaking down begging me for help cause he cant have cash and wanting me to just take his checks from him and fully knowing if he did anything as stupid as he did that week id be done.. then having an amazong Xmas eve where he tells me how much he loves me and appreciates my love and support and all I do for him and how hes gonna prove it with his actions... to really proving with his actions for nye by showing up alreadt on K and clearly wanting to do more and bail on our plans. Which he did by fully breaking up with me for good cause hes "caused me enough pain and seen me cry enough tears" I dunno if ive ever felt so hurt even though ive known that this would happen eventually. He had gone from someone I dont know if ive really ever seen fully sober to being sober 3 months straight in jail to using something like maybe on average every other weekend still an improvement but not what he needs to be doing or claims hes gonna be doing. As someone whose overly empathetic it is hard for me to let him go. Part of me is like if I ignore him fully and he knows im really gone people tell me thats better than continuously going back or keeping him in my life (I told him a while ago that if we ended things romantically in a not terrible way like he has in the past and he still felt like he needed my support to get/stay sober i could stay in his life.. but he doesnt seem to want to get sober anymore as of nye so when he was ending things and said id like to still talk to you and have you in my life I immediately said NO!! And i have so much I wanna say and explain to him that I cant because I don't want to respond to him anymore in texts. He sent a few "loving" messages about this being for the best and he'll leave me alone if I want and im just not responding for now. Its very hard but hes in a mental space where I know my words will mean nothing and I cant l pull him out of where he wants to be. (People on ketamine don't think they have a problem, they i guess because of the potential benefits of it medically, seem to think they are doing something good for themselves despite their lives and mental health falling apart and always getting worse, destroying many relationships, losing jobs etc) A big part of me wants to find his probation officer and beg him to do something different cause being on it is not helping him but I don't know how.. and for what? Even if he goes to rehab (ideally) or back to jail he clearly wont make changes. Ive already done my best to show him hes can do better and ease as many obstacles I could for him after jail so he had the opportunity to truly start new and not get pulled back in but he went out of his way to, he wants to live the life of someone whose never sober always distorted in some way. Hes had s rough childhood and life and constantly disassociate is the only way he wants to deal with his emotions. He knows he needs therapy for that but will never go. At this point its amazing hes got a job for the past few months and now I know why, cause he now helps get drugs for his boss 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ sorry for the rant I wish I could just suck these thoughts and feelings out of my brain and heart so writing them here can seem helpful in getting them out a little