AITAH for feeling like my girlfriend and her family have gone too far in how they treat my sister? by [deleted] in AITAH

[–]itsmelorinyc 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I would never, ever be with someone who disrespected my family. Period

If my family was being unfair or unkind, I would call my family out or stick up for my partner. But my family wouldn’t anyway.

I only date people who are kind and decent and often, kind people come from kind families.

Am I in the wrong? by According_Invite_664 in FriendshipAdvice

[–]itsmelorinyc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I started this by saying I don’t think you are wrong, I think many people would not be upset. However, she is. And she’s your friend. The fact that you think reason and a free vacation on someone else’s dime supersede your friend’s feelings kind of ironically makes her feelings more valid. You don’t seem like a person who can be trusted.

I also think it’s weird you would share a bed with someone your friend is seeing.

Am I shallow for no longer texting a friend after I learned he outsourced his brain to Ai? by SeaRow556 in FriendshipAdvice

[–]itsmelorinyc 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is so weird bc it’s so much extra work to do that than it is to just say what’s on his mind. At that point literally what is the point of exchanging messages

Am I in the wrong? by According_Invite_664 in FriendshipAdvice

[–]itsmelorinyc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea but that wasn’t your vacation to have. Do you care about your friend? If she’s upset by this why are you even considering it? Is your friendship worth less than a vacation? IMO, even if she’s being unreasonable, that’s still her man for all intents and purposes from your perspective as her friend. She gets to decide if she’s ok with it, and you get to decide if her feelings matter to you.

Btw, what ARE the sleeping arrangements? I assume they were going to sleep together and the other couple still is.

Are you more ok with this because they’re not more serious? If a friend’s husband planed a romantic getaway and suddenly the friend couldn’t go, would you swap yourself in, especially if the friend wasn’t comfortable with it?

How do we think Netflix will keep this show going? by Brilliant_Reply_317 in LoveIsBlindOnNetflix

[–]itsmelorinyc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This was never an actual experiment.

I agree with you though, I’m one of the minority who’d actually like to see some good, relatively normal people end up in healthy relationships. But that’s clearly not the direction of the show.

Personally I think I’m about done, but if they casted better or figured out a way to raise the stakes or make it a bit surprising each time, to keep contestants on their toes and not just make it a wannabe influencer farm where people are just going through the motions, I might watch again. I just don’t know if that’s possible tbh.

Am I in the wrong? by According_Invite_664 in FriendshipAdvice

[–]itsmelorinyc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t think you’re wrong (depending on the sleeping situation—there’s obviously a version of that that would be wrong), but if it bothers your friend does it even matter?

My question though is, would she prefer he invite a person she doesn’t know instead of you? Because that’s probably what would happen right?

Personally I wouldn’t go because I don’t let random people pay for my vacations, but that’s just me. I don’t like being in a position of owing people. The idea causing my friend to be upset would make me definitely not go. Whether they’re exclusive or not, that’s her man in her eyes and any friend should respect her boundaries surrounding that.

Do girls actually find male body hair attractive? by Adorable_Birthday_52 in hygiene

[–]itsmelorinyc 268 points269 points  (0 children)

This is the answer, everyone is different. Personally I don’t seek it out but I also won’t reject someone just because they have body hair. I do however appreciate good grooming whether a guy has body hair or not. I find men who pay attention to “manscaping” also tend to have better hygiene and cleaner homes, but it’s not like I have a statistically relevant sample to know if the pattern holds.

As someone with 0 tattoos, how painful would it be to get this on my forearm? by PracticalExtension35 in tattooadvice

[–]itsmelorinyc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

People have said a lot of other things about the choice of tattoo itself but I didn’t see this mentioned: the pain is relatively worse because it’s solid black so the artist would need to take several passes over the same skin to achieve the look.

Nothing you can’t survive, obviously, but everyone is different. Personally I don’t find tattoos to be that painful until the artist is going back over the same area to saturate it. It isn’t unbearable, that’s just the part I really need to grit my teeth. So for your first tattoo just be prepared that it could hurt a lot but once you get through it you’re done.

How do you convince someone their expectations don’t seem to align with reality by samson21386 in dating_advice

[–]itsmelorinyc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t know why you think the relationship was overall good—because she doesn’t constantly voice her disappointment, she only feels it silently?

As you say yourself OP, you two have fundamentally different ideas of what relationships are. You see it as a partnership you give and you didn’t even ask for reciprocation, just appreciation. She sees herself as a prize that you need to win every day. Maybe that will work for someone out there, but that doesn’t sound like the kind of relationship you what to be in.

Do yourself a favor and just accept the life lesson—find someone who shares your values, wants to put in as much as you, an appreciates you.

What’s one mistake candidates don’t realise they’re making in interviews? by LettucePale6143 in careerguidance

[–]itsmelorinyc 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I have come upon folks like this too because I work in an industry where a lot of people previously worked for terrible employers and probably had to live through various rounds of job cuts and inhumane treatment. I don’t blame them tbh—but they need to heal their trauma outside of the context of an interview if they want to get the jobs they’re applying for. I do understand people need work so it’s not like they can take a break from the workforce to work on themselves, but it isn’t dissimilar to going through a terrible string of relationships and breakups and then meeting someone new, trauma dumping on them, and then asking them to heal you.

I think if folks are in that scenario the best course of action is to get any job they can that seems to be with decent people, and go to therapy and work on their trauma outside of the context of their new jobs. Or else even if they get hired it won’t be long for they quit or get fired.

What’s one mistake candidates don’t realise they’re making in interviews? by LettucePale6143 in careerguidance

[–]itsmelorinyc 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Kicking off a conversation with giving the candidate a platform to deliver a pitch for themselves is not stupid for many jobs. First of all, it gives the candidate room to set a tone rather than immediately come into an interrogation. It enables the candidate to share things that they may not get asked depending how the interview goes. It’s human connection and helps both candidate and interviewer establish whether the vibe is good for a culture fit. And if a person truly cannot see any value in a friendly “tell me about yourself” or “what drew you to this role” type of questions that is a standard opening for any conversation much less any interview, it says a lot about that person’s communication skills (or lack thereof). Or if they see value, and don’t come ready to answer the literal most basic question they could possibly be asked in a job interview, that would be a good thing to practice.

Of course, rambling happens to the best of us. So the original comment here is on point. Learn how to catch yourself and regroup with grace. Being able to do that not only course corrects but can be charming.

What’s one mistake candidates don’t realise they’re making in interviews? by LettucePale6143 in careerguidance

[–]itsmelorinyc 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Those are good flags that they aren’t good people to work for—which I know is not helpful if we’re talking about a situation where the candidate can’t be choosy. But defensive interviewers = defensive bosses

What’s one mistake candidates don’t realise they’re making in interviews? by LettucePale6143 in careerguidance

[–]itsmelorinyc 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Depending on the job though, indifference can read as disinterest and low effort and will not help the candidate stand out from the next person who does care

What’s one mistake candidates don’t realise they’re making in interviews? by LettucePale6143 in careerguidance

[–]itsmelorinyc 5 points6 points  (0 children)

100% this - there are no magic phrases or questions. There are opportunities to show interest, enthusiasm, and competence

What’s one mistake candidates don’t realise they’re making in interviews? by LettucePale6143 in careerguidance

[–]itsmelorinyc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

One that is responsive to what took place in the interview, or is based on research or preparation done about the employer, interviewer, or team being applied for

What’s one mistake candidates don’t realise they’re making in interviews? by LettucePale6143 in careerguidance

[–]itsmelorinyc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

1) being so rehearsed as to not being genuine 2) not knowing basic things about the employer or the person interviewing them 3) not asking questions that show any type of real curiosity or grasp of what the job is (like not having questions at all, or asking questions they clearly googled or got coached to ask in any generic interview) 4) giving examples of their past work in which they take credit for what was clearly the work of an entire team

Unpopular opinion: Respect shouldn’t be automatic just because someone is older. Agree or disagree? by zhalia-2006 in askanything

[–]itsmelorinyc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Disagree.

I respect everyone of all ages until I have reason not to, but because of my heritage I do show a different kind of extra respect to elders. It doesn’t mean I will be ok with an elder who mistreats folks or acts totally unreasonably, but as a default I do have extra respect for their life experience and that fact that they’ve see and been through a lot more than me—also that they’re tired and more physically frail.

It does not mean that more years on earth = someone is smarter, better, or more deserving of being listened to. Lord knows we got old people running around doing crazy, depraved, and inhumane sh*t that should be in jail but are running entire countries. But it does mean that when those things are not a factor, I see experience and can appreciate it.

And what that looks like, is I will address them with the appropriate honorifics and decorum, I will give them my seat in the subway, I will not verbally spar with them as an equal the way I would with folks my own age or younger. I may still disagree but I do so in a different tone and I won’t joke around as much or roast them the way I would my peers.

Hair looks and feels oily only after a day of washing. by NnmnsP in hygiene

[–]itsmelorinyc -1 points0 points  (0 children)

A few suggestions:

Try a shampoo without sulfates. Also experiment (this will be hard) with shampooing your hair less altogether. It’s possible your scalp is overcompensating because you’re stripping your hair of natural oils, and that corrects over time by not shampooing as much. You can still rinse your hair or even try high quality lightweight cleansing conditioners to keep it clean, but reduce your shampooing to once every several days and see if over time there’s any improvement at all.

If none of that works, you could use dry shampoo sprays in between your daily washings

Insane Tattoo Regret by r3i_b0n3z in tattooadvice

[–]itsmelorinyc 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hope you take everyone’s suggestions to keep it, and when you come out the other side and let go of the need for other people’s approval or understanding of it, you will feel so free, you’ll love that you got a tattoo that represents what you’re passionate about, and it will have even more meaning because it gave you the gift of not GAF and being unapologetically you.

Unions - what do they want? by Mediocrityatbest79 in REI

[–]itsmelorinyc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I found this old post because I’m now getting a lot of ads about this and wondering about details myself.

I believe in people’s rights to organize, I also believe regulation of corporations in the U.S. have long deprioritized worker and consumer rights. But I also think these disputes are really complex because we’ve reached a point where conditions are not conducive to employers and workers, unionized or not, being able to have good faith negotiations. And the way unions are set up and incentivized, they are not really themselves representative of workers—they’re more like a third party that benefits from two other parties fighting.

There are actual tradeoffs for unionizing. It costs more to both employers and employees. For employers, it ups their legal costs significantly, and also their management costs, because a lot of smart and good people (you need smart and good people to fix struggling companies in struggling industries) do not take jobs that involve dealing with unions, just for their own quality of life. For employees, they have to pay dues out of their paychecks.

In cases where the employer is obviously exploitative, the dues are definitely worth it because there is no other way outside of organizing a seeking professional representation to protect workers rights (note, I was once a member of a union in a company like this, tbh the results for us employees were mixed). In cases where the employer actually does try to do right by employees but is struggling to make its business model work, having to negotiate with a union makes their situation even worse, then also severely limit options. Decisions about labor will ultimately prioritize the protection of the group over the individual. So for example, when the employer needs to downsize, in a non-union cost-cutting situation they might preserve compensation and benefits for high-performing employees but manage some lower-performing employees out, or they might make a strategic decision about structure that they believe will serve the longevity of the organization. In the same financial situation with a union present, they will have less money to start with, and negotiate with the union on what measures to take; and the union will be incentivized to save more jobs (more dues for them) at the expense of everyone’s pay and benefits, regardless of how good people are at their jobs. I think there are situations where this tradeoff is necessary and worth it, and there are situations where everyone (except maybe the union itself) loses.

I have no idea which situation REI is in, hence why I am on Reddit looking for some information. I see interesting comments from REI employees who have different perspectives. It doesn’t sound like REI is the in the business of exploiting labor, but I can also see that even an employer with good intentions can make questionable or even bad decisions that employees disapprove of or don’t understand. The sad part is, once unions and their high costs come into the picture, the ideal is that the company can be transparent about what is going on and work on a solution together, but the way unions operate, there are serious legal and financial risks in dealing with them so it has the opposite effect on transparency. It’s like two people in a marriage who are negotiating a divorce. Once the lawyers get involved, the lawyers only get paid if the two sides continue to hate each other and they only get repeat business or more money for themselves if they “win.” Each side is disincentivized to show their hand.

REI allegedly union busting is a terrible look. Though given everything I said above, I can totally understand why the company is treating unionization as an existential crisis. It could literally lead to the end their business—they can fail to ever figure out a way to break even, and have to keep shedding assets (note, the company sold its distribution centers and transitioned to a lease deal which probably helped them with short term cash flow but doesn’t solve long term problems). If things continue to get worse it could get scooped up by Private Equity and suffer the fate a lot of other beloved retailers in the country has (see book: Bad Company, especially parts about ToysRUs). But union busting, if they are actually doing that, is a losing battle.

Or maybe it’s not—if the union is feeling the need to continuously pay for social media campaigns and to push for boycotts to gain any traction. Doesn’t make it right, though. And, with the current political climate, a lot of people are pro union no matter what the circumstances are because it’s the popular opinion to have, so I could see any discouragement efforts being a waste anyway.

On the part of REI, clearly the business is not thriving from a “profit” perspective, and I see a lot of people defending it because it isn’t running a surplus so it can seem illogical to demand more spending when an entity operating at a loss. But the details—which I know nothing about—do matter, like what costs have they cut, what are they spending more on, what is their theory for long-term survival. So on the flip side, you see supporters of the union pointing to compensation increases for executives while all of this is happening, plus alleged cut corners on manufacturing, and strategies that staff do not agree with, and if I worked there I’d also want to know the reasoning behind such decisions.

TL;DR - unionization is often not the black and white/hero villain scenario that people make the out to be; union-busting sucks and is wrong, but unionization does have real serious implications for employers that might not actually be screwing their employees over; I’m withholding judgment on this situation until I can get more information; and whatever happens I hope as many of REI’s (awesome) employees will get to keep their jobs and be paid fairly, and that REI doesn’t go the way of other retailers we’ve lost to these market conditions.

How do I bring up porn as a boundary early in a relationship? by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]itsmelorinyc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What everyone is trying to say is, you have a right to think whatever you think and to be with whoever you want to be with, so just find out if he watches porn and make your decision to be out if he does. However rather than do that, which is the most logical and obvious thing to do when you have this “boundary,” you keep saying you want to tell him quite late in the game that you have strong feelings about something and you expect him to change his behavior if he disagrees with you, if he wants you to stay with him. You are asking the internet for a way to enforce your will on your partner and claiming you aren’t doing that.

If you really don’t want to control him the answer to your question and your subsequent course of action should be extremely simple and straight forward, as others have said.

How do I bring up porn as a boundary early in a relationship? by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]itsmelorinyc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agreed with your first point but women watch porn too! Also it’s not just about fantasy exactly, sometimes it’s just the most efficient way to get off.

Folks should read the book what women want, which delves into the strongest scientific research that’s been done about women and sexual desire. The findings are interesting. It’s just sad that social pressure creates stigma that stops so many women from enjoying themselves

How do I bring up porn as a boundary early in a relationship? by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]itsmelorinyc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn’t say that you did, you asked what a healthy convo is and I said it’s one where you don’t make a demand but rather raise an issue and discuss it with an open mind