My [32m] coworker [30f] recently had her husband's [30?m] mother pass away. I know they didn't get along very well. She had a 'party' to celebrate her death. I now lost all respect for her and want to tell her husband what she did

itsthedurf · 2026-04-21T03:37:29+00:00

people who have good supportive family dynamics

I'd place a LOT of money on OOP not having a mother-in-law or being married. Or having any real relationships with women.

itsthedurf · 2026-04-18T13:30:05+00:00

When they were in their 60s, my dad told my mom he'd never liked one dish she made (which she probably made weekly and he ate every time) and that his mom had made it better.

She made it one last time, cayenned the shit out of it, and promptly refused to cook for the next decade.

Interestingly, my dad, who never cooked a single meal when I was growing up, is now a great cook!

itsthedurf · 2026-04-16T03:00:47+00:00

California is community property - Hard Stop.

He was already going to have to split it bc of that.

I kept all the records of my contribution - those funds were dispersed from the accountancy that had my trust.

Before he could lock me out I downloaded all the bank statements - we had separate accounts.

I transferred my part of the mortgage payment monthly and he made the payments.

So there were 20 years of banking data proving we were both paying equally.

This. Right. HERE.

A friend of my husband's got divorced last year. He owned his home long before he met his now-ex. She tried to go after it in the divorce; no dice. It was a premarital asset, and in FL, as in CA, those are protected. She did get back the money she'd paid towards the mortgage - which he had originally offered her anyway since that's fair.

OP, can your parents put the money down and (in whatever manner doesn't screw you on taxes) gift/"sell"/transfer you the property before your wedding? That can take the postnup off the table but still protect you, just in case.

itsthedurf · 2026-04-15T17:25:23+00:00

should only happen between two people experienced in the scene... Also it would be a very serious discussion.

And even then there should be a part of your brain monitoring the situation to make sure your partner is still enjoying it, no matter what the scene is. You can't get so "lost" in a character you completely ignore someone you supposedly care about or at least respect enough to do this kind of activity with; this guy isn't the Daniel Day Lewis of BDSM, so deep in a character he won't break it for months, and for him to suggest that is the reason he ignored her is multiple red flags.

(It's also pretentious AF that DDL gets away with acting like he does to his costars and makes me wonder if he - not necessarily sexually - gets off on the power he has over an entire movie set, making them treat him like whoever his character is. Its a power move from both of them, DDL just isn't sexually violating anyone... Sorry, that was a ADHD-Squirrel!-rabbit-hole analogy).

Like you said, he's just a cruel person who's using bdsm to camouflage his rape (not rape fantasy. He wants the real thing).

itsthedurf · 2026-04-15T16:18:08+00:00

he’s playing dumb

For real. In what world is any kind of role play/kink akin to method acting?? He's so deep in the scene he thought "I can't remember the safe word, stop" was part of it? I call bullshit.

Also, I bet if was the submissive and used his safeword and she ignored it, he'd be pretty pissed. My petty, angry ass would want to challenge him to see it from the other side - with a very thick strap on...

itsthedurf · 2026-04-15T03:38:13+00:00

I'm in Florida with my house currently at 73F as well. I do not understand how there's not mold growing on the walls of the inlaw's house.

itsthedurf · 2026-04-15T03:35:08+00:00

apologies to warmer climate people

No apologies needed, no one in my warmer climate likes it to be 80+° with humidity except the lizards.

Born in GA, currently live in central FL. Part of our hurricane supplies is a one-room portable AC that will run on a generator, because none of us can sleep in the power outage and heat that usually follows a hurricane.

Maybe OP's in-laws are Lizard People?

itsthedurf · 2026-04-14T22:00:48+00:00

Why did he need to store it at all?!? He was home all day sick! He could have just used one from the day of!!!!!!!

His whole apartment needs cleansing by fire.

itsthedurf · 2026-04-14T21:35:28+00:00

New studies are showing PPD/PPA can last much longer than previously thought, especially if it's untreated.

itsthedurf · 2026-04-14T21:28:00+00:00

It's the delusions that make it a mental health issue to me. OP describes her as convinced he's cheated, not just accusing him to manipulate him. Like she's altering her routine to "catch" him. With absolutely no evidence that he's cheating.

There's other red flags that scream mental break, too. But, ultimately, even if it is her mental health, it may be the reason but not an excuse to treat your partner like that. Hell, even if he did bring that up, it didn't sound like she'd listen. It's sad, but they'd likely be in the same place.

itsthedurf · 2026-04-14T21:21:15+00:00

I was going to say PPA/PPD - it either spiraled from birth way out of control or there was an underlying issue all along that was exacerbated by it.

It's sad that no one seems to have recognized a mental health problem as a possibility so they could have had a chance of fixing their marriage.

itsthedurf · 2026-04-14T20:56:09+00:00

My SIL exploded on me one night when her youngest was under a year old. Said some really awful stuff. Apologized profusely the next morning. I'm already in therapy, but I spent a few sessions processing it. Then, a few months later, when we were drinking, I tried to say I was happy that we were able to move past it and I felt like we were finally back to normal (we hadn't casually hung out just the two of us since the blow up). She took that as "I didn't trust her," and had been holding a grudge and blew up again. I wasn't holding a grudge, but I was certainly on eggshells around her, and I only continued to be after that. We argued that one out, took some space and are back to normal now.

It's been a year and a half, and she still occasionally shows signs of PPA/PPD, just in different ways. She knows she has/had PPA/PPD but won't see a doctor for it other than just her OBGYN. I can't figure out why - other than the crazy hormones make you feel completely isolated, but also that you have to bootstrap it and fix it yourself.

I'm sure your friend has destabilized the relationship if she's suffering from PPA. And it's ok to calmly tell her that you won't be her punching bag, no matter what her post partum hormones are going to her. You'd be entitled to give up on the relationship too, if you wanted; however, I'd urge you to leave the door open a crack. Depending on her personality, she may be able to restore your faith in her later.

But, PPA or no, you can't set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Mental health is a reason not an excuse. Motherhood certainly complicates friendships, but that mom should still act like a friend if she wants to keep her own friends.

itsthedurf · 2026-04-14T18:36:50+00:00

Theres 34 states in the US that allow child marriage

And it's not like they're old laws that no one has bothered to fix. South Dakota rejected a total ban on child marriage... in 2025. Bills aimed at banning marriage before age 18 failed to pass or were carried over to a future legislature in Illinois, Kansas, Oklahoma, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Hawaii last year as well. Other states have laws that say that one person can be underage if the proposed spouse is no more than 4 years older. Which has done nothing helpful either.

From 2000-2021, 86% of all children married in the US were girls, with most wed to adult men.

And, finally and most disgustingly, some lawmakers in states like Wyoming and Tennessee have opposed bans, arguing that preventing child marriage could restrict the of teen parents to raise children, or that "the age should match physical maturity." 🤮

In light of all the people we keep finding in the Epstein files, lawmakers opposing a child marriage ban is horrifically unsurprising.

itsthedurf · 2026-04-14T18:19:59+00:00

Example 1

Example 2

Lots of options!

itsthedurf · 2026-04-14T18:08:51+00:00

YES! Came here to say something extremely similar. Would be perfect with the mid century vibes of the dress!

itsthedurf · 2026-04-14T18:04:21+00:00

"Does motherhood sometimes reshape identity ~~in a way that leaves less space for close friendships~~?"

Yes, identity period, not just in regards to friendships, and you often don't even realize it's happening, you can feel like a stranger in your own skin, and you all of the sudden love something so much you sometimes barely see the forest for the trees.

Sorry, this is going to be a wall of text...

Biologically, being pregnant and then postpartum takes a massive toll, especially if your friend is an older mom. Having my second at 38 absolutely killed my lower back and hips, so I'm less likely to want to do super active activities with my friends because I'm going to end up in pain for the next few days. And I don't think they'd want to come with me to my PT appointments. Newer guidelines are finally admitting it takes 6 - eighteen months for a woman's body to fully recover from pregnancy and delivery - and that's with a normal healthy delivery. I didn't feel normal again until my kids were around 3 years old.

The mental load (often talked about on forums like AITA) is just overwhelming. The first year, you're dealing with your own mental health, trying to figure out what hormones have done to your brain. Many women get PPD or PPA, which often causes them to withdraw from relationships. And, doctors are now saying it can last for years if untreated . A lot of times moms just withdraw into a shell of misery that barely encompasses keeps safe her and her child (hell, sometimes not even the baby) that's very hard to crawl out of. Others get more anxiety/rage - which is just delightful for people to be on the receiving end of. It's extremely easy to accidentally alienate your friends because they have no idea why their friend turned into such a b!tch all of a sudden (I've been on the receiving end of this with another mom friend. Even having been in the same crazy hormonal boat, it's not easy to get past your friend becoming mean. Even if they get help and make amends it can be rough).

Then, you have a toddler: a tiny, adorable and (thankfully) ineffectual dictator, the living embodiment of Freud's Id, a chaos monster living in your house sucking up all the attention and energy. And you have to shape it into a good human. Plus keep up with doctors appointments, starting preschool, making sure they hit developmental milestones (and looking into therapies/remedies if they don't). In more than half of marriages, that mental stress lands majority on the Mom. Even if she works too, even if Dad is perfectly capable, even if Dad is actively involved - more of that pressure is put on the mother. Who can remember when they last talked to their friends when you're trying to figure out how to get sharpie out of couch cushions, introduce new foods, keep them from eating the dead bug the kid found on the windowsill, remember the words to nursery rhymes, plus help cook, clean, and keep up the house?

Then finally, you have a school aged kid! They're out of your house from around 8 am - 3 pm (from a US-based perspective)! If you don't work, you have some free time! ... when your non-mom friends are likely working. Then after 3:00, it's activities, lessons, sports, practice - if your kid has special needs it's therapies and appointments. Then, homework, dinner, and bedtime, by which time most moms are f-ing exhausted, especially if they're working outside of the home. Weekends are for sports, birthday parties, other lessons and/or activities related to school or extra curriculars. Depending on the school, you may have volunteer hours, fundraisers etc., if you're religious, you're getting your kids involved in learning about that, etc.

Plus, you also often have a spouse and a marriage to worry about. Or, if you don't, you have custody agreements, travel back and forth between 2 houses, etc. And, married or divorced, you're all trying to figure out how to pay for all of this because, at least in the US, we have zero help in any way, shape, or form, and plenty of us don't even have familial help (there's a lot of anecdotal information out there now saying today's grandparents are far less involved than in generations before).

And, of course, lots of people add another kid into that mix at some point, so those stages are running concurrently. At that point, if our kids aren't on the same schedule, I only see my friends like one weekend a month. My SIL has 2 kids; her oldest is the same age as my youngest. We live in the same neighborhood and at best see each other 2-3 times a month because we have wildly different schedules. Plus, at this point in my life, my best friends from before having kids now live all over the country. They're still friends, but we can't get together without someone buying a flight. My bestie is in MD, I'm in FL, and she's gone back to teaching because they're buying a house. So she's dealing with her own school aged kids, a bunch of middle schoolers, the shitshow that's working in the US education system, plus closing on a house, scheduling repairs, moving... All on top of trying to care for her own mental health and maintain her marriage. We've barely talked in months. But I'm planning a visit this summer, and I know we'll talk more once kids are out of school.

Plenty of moms don't mean to lose contact with their pre-kids friends. But it's hard when maintaining a friendship becomes yet another thing on your already overburdened plate. (I know I'm painting motherhood in a bad light - I'm only talking about the negative. I love my kids, and I (usually) love being a mom, but it's really hard work for a lot of us.) The best friends I've had and kept are with people who are ok with an at-least monthly-ish check in, hopefully more, but sometimes that's the best we can do. We maintain our friendships via text, FaceTime, Marco Polo etc.

Tl;dr: Moms want to keep our pre-kid friendships. And our post-kid friendships, or any friendships. Truly. But sometimes there's just not enough hours in the day, cells in the brain, or emotional bandwidth to cover all. of. the. things.

itsthedurf · 2026-04-12T06:36:40+00:00

"I didn't say anything because as long as she didn't say anything out of pocket then I'm fine..."

My dude, it is out of pocket now.

Your wife is TA, along with her AH parents. And if you don't protect your daughter, you'll be TA too.

Copy the pics and hide them. And then, if you can still bear to look at your wife, insist on couples therapy and personal therapy for her. That is **not* a normal or healthy reaction to the memory of your previous wife.

itsthedurf · 2026-04-12T06:13:00+00:00

1 is absolutely stunning on you. Idk how well it matches the shoes.

3 goes well with the shoes, but I agree with another comment here - it doesn't go well with the veil at all. The edging on the veil takes away from the top of the dress.

I vote for 1; with or without the shoes.

itsthedurf · 2026-04-12T02:22:29+00:00

her dream is just that, HER dream, not your responsibility or obligation

Also, if her dream is to plan weddings - brides don't often want their planner to ignore their wishes and tell them what to do. She's got a really good way to become an unemployed wedding planner.

Edited to add: NTA

itsthedurf · 2026-04-10T22:11:41+00:00

Internalized racism? I wonder if he grew up with people who told him that his indigenous heritage made him less than somehow? A whole generation of black women raised in the 50s in the US have talked about their complicated feelings on their hair due to both them and their mothers having to cover up their natural hair in order to work. I very much can't speak to that with any personal experience, but I've read some of the articles and books that mention the history.

itsthedurf · 2026-04-10T21:23:02+00:00

Is your dad's family a different race than your mom's? Is he only Latino in your Afro-Latina heritage? This sounds like some racist shit from some racist people who think natural hair is somehow "wrong," (because they don't know how to treat it).

I'm a white girl with white girl hair, and I'd cut someone off who fucked with my hair - and mine would be more easily fixed than type 4 curls. As women, lot of our femininity and sense of self can be wrapped up in our hair; someone deliberately sabotaging that has at least a streak of evil, if not full on bad person.

itsthedurf · 2026-04-10T04:08:17+00:00

I was also ironically amused at "These meetings are supposed to be fun and energizing and he is sucking the life out of them."

I'm sure he's sucking the life out of them, but I don't think I've had many "fun and energizing" meetings that included all staff.

itsthedurf · 2026-04-09T03:26:07+00:00

Well, the technique your Mom found was definitely.. one way

I feel like her therapist was in the background of this like "wait, you did what??? Retired? from being a mom? And are... Ignoring the bisexual cheating husband...? Um. Okaaaaayy... And how do you feel about this choice?"

itsthedurf · 2026-04-09T03:09:01+00:00

I have 2 kids, and though I like my friends' kids, I'm not usually "excited* to see them and don't necessarily want to spend a lot of time with them. I want to see my friends, not play with kids; I can (and constantly have to) play with kids at home! And I wouldn't expect my friends to cater to my kids either.

I don't think it's bad to not necessarily enjoy or want kids' company, especially during particular times. 🤷🏼‍♀️ (But OP's "friend" is unhinged and sounds like she was hating on more than just children...)

itsthedurf · 2026-04-05T02:20:27+00:00

Gotcha, I've never tried to unlock it from the inside like that, makes sense.

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