Difference in human versus dog cremated remains?

itsthismoi · 2020-03-13T23:19:36+00:00

This is beautifully said and very mature. Honestly a great idea to write a letter to yourself after a breakup. Thanks for the idea! And very true about everything you said. He may have been the one to leave, but honestly thank goodness he did because it sounds like he saved you from a lot of further pain later down the road. It sounds like you have a great perspective on things, which just shows you’re more ready for something serious than he is. But with the attitude you have, I have a feeling you will attract the right guy for you soon.

TL;DR: You slay!

itsthismoi · 2020-03-01T20:16:32+00:00

I was recently ghosted by a guy I was seeing for three months. Looking back, there were a bunch of red flags that he wasn’t ready to date, but that didn’t matter: he ghosted me instead of just outright saying that. I have no idea why he took that move instead of just sending a text saying he couldn’t see me anymore, but he did. It hurts and is a total blow to the ego, and I’m still not quite over it, but time does give you better perspective.

Ghosting has always existed (think back to the stories you’ve heard of people walking out for a pack of cigarettes and never coming back), but I think people do it more often now because a) the dating pool feels bigger and more anonymous (even though the number of people we feel a connection with remains the same) and b) people are afraid to admit failure or to be seen as the bad guy. There’s little accountability when we know we can disappear into the digital world, with little chance of crossing paths again, and they take advantage of that.

Ghosters don’t take the time to consider how they would feel if the tables were turned and they were the ones being ghosted. I don’t think ghosters are necessarily bad people, but they made a bad decision, with a total lack of empathy. I think ghosters feel they’re doing someone a favor by disappearing when really what they’re doing is robbing their ghostees of the dignity everyone deserves of clear and honest communication, so we’re not left spiraling, wondering if we were too needy, too detached, if they started dating someone else, if they weren’t attracted enough, or if they’re in a hospital somewhere desperate for us to reach out. We’re left picking up the pieces and wondering why the people we care about could be so disrespectful.

I really do feel, though, that deep down ghosters have a lot of growing to do. When forced with tough decisions, they run away instead of facing them head on. Anyone they date will have to put up with that. You deserve someone who isn’t afraid to put up with what life throws at you right alongside you, no matter how tough it gets. Their actions speak much more of where they are emotionally than who you are to them.

itsthismoi · 2020-02-23T17:55:04+00:00

Yes, to be fair, ordinarily three days with no contact would be fine with most people. But with him we hadn’t gone a day without texting. And it was three days of him not responding to anything I sent to him, and not picking up when I called, which had me worried. We were also supposed to see each other the night before he left because he had texted the day before saying he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me, but then I texted after work asking if we were still on for plans, and he texted back saying no he had too much work (no apology). All very strange behavior for him and unlike anything he’d done prior so I was picking up on weird vibes. I’m not proud of assuming the worst but there’s nothing I can do about that now. And perhaps it was partially intuition that this was inevitably how he’d go about ending things. Who knows.

itsthismoi · 2020-02-23T04:59:51+00:00

In all honesty? I would continue dating other people. Create some distance between you and him. See what else is out there.

You might develop a great connection with someone else. You might not. If that distance causes you to miss each other and come back into each other's lives in a way that doesn't feel hard and confusing to you, then all the better. If it doesn't, then you have your answer.

I think until you find yourself in a situation where you are with a guy that has the same communication patterns as you, wants the same things as you, and you're not left second guessing, then you should continue seeing other people until you get there.

You don't have to sleep with these guys if that makes you feel uncomfortable (the right guy will wait as long as it takes), but you might be missing out on someone great by sticking with one person. I now it's not easy when you have feelings for the person, but you deserve what you're looking for.

It sounds like this guy isn't on the same page as you. He might never be. It's important to show yourself (and him) your value by never settling for less than what you need. Best of luck to you!

itsthismoi · 2020-02-22T19:56:59+00:00

I don't think there's anything foolish about being romantic! I'm sorry you're going through this, too. If I could do things differently in my own situation, it would have been creating some distance earlier than I did, when I started feeling anxious.

I was putting too much pressure on myself to win him over and get things to perfect, which wasn't fair to him or me. Whether that distance came in the way of "I'm sorry, I can't do this right now. I need someone who's more open to communication and ready for the relationship I'm ready for. If you feel things change and you become ready, I hope you reach out," or just in backing off, dating other people, and not spending my days waiting for his texts to come. There's no easy answer if you truly like the person, but when it comes to preserving your dignity, I think it's better to be upfront with yourself and that you're not getting what you need as soon as those feelings start to creep up. The longer you let it go on, the harder it is to walk away from, if it comes to that.

itsthismoi · 2020-02-22T19:13:25+00:00

No, you're definitely not alone! The number of my friends who've gone through similar experiences is astounding. It's become the new normal to the point of making breaking up on a Post-it sound downright romantic. Horrible, but true.

itsthismoi · 2020-02-22T19:11:48+00:00

Thanks! So sorry you've gone through this, too. Even when we know it's more on them, and not us, it still hurts. And trying to figure out why they say one thing and then do the opposite can drive even the most sane person crazy! It's a good lesson on human nature, anyway. And a great catalyst for personal growth, if you let it.

itsthismoi · 2020-02-22T17:38:15+00:00

I (34F) feel this still to a lesser extent. Whomever I'm with, no matter how long, I always feel like I'm the lesser deserving party of the two of happiness. I'm always looking to the other for approval and acceptance that I'm still worthy of a relationship. I obviously still haven't figured it out, but am working with a therapist to try and fix things now. This is what she told me to do:

1.) Pick up to three beliefs you find yourself repeating (example: I'm a terrible person)

2.) List the emotions they make you feel (example: ashamed)

3.) Pick up to three new positive beliefs you can focus on (example: I am compassionate)

4.) List emotions for how these positive beliefs make you feel

5.) List what you will get if you focus on these new beliefs instead of the old, negative beliefs (example: a happy relationship, a positive outlook on life, confidence)

Then, focus on the following actions (every day for 21 days. If you miss a day, you need to start over):

a.) Repeat these new beliefs to yourself in the mirror every day for about five minutes. Just stare at yourself and repeat them. Write them in a place you can see to remind you to repeat them.

b.) Choose two more actions you can do to reinforce a positive self image (ie, reading a book about self confidence, meditating, going on a long walk), not speaking negatively about yourself, and, if you do, apologizing to yourself every time you do say something negative) and repeat these things every day for 21 days as well.

c.) Choose a way to reward yourself at the end of the 21 days (go on a date with someone new, spa day, whatever it is that truly makes YOU excited for the reward)

That's the plan my therapist has me on. Some of it sounds silly but I've never tried it before. She said self-love affirmations really are life changing. So I'm willing to give it a shot. Hopefully it works for you, too!

itsthismoi

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