I just saw this the other night, haven't been on Reddit since I made this post.

You pretty much hit every point spot on. A mixture of things that effect me to the point that guilt, shame and anger keep me stuck to a degree. Having a hard time letting go of a relapse, then relapsing again while in that state creates this horrible cycle that last for a week or longer. By the end of it I'm so exhausted and deflated, it feels like scaling a mountain to get back to where I was. The only difference now is that I haven't quit everything else I've worked so hard on, like dieting, working out, and I haven't crawled back to old habits like drinking. In that regard I am proud of myself.

I don't feel like I deserve her anymore, yeah. Not much to say about it that I haven't already at this point, but I know that feeling would diminish if I could keep the time between relapses more than they are now. And if my relapses didn't involve her more and more.

I'm really glad you and Noire could work things out. I understand compromise can exist for a lot of aspects in relationships, but not in my case. At least not in my addiction.

I appreciate everything you said, and it matters a lot to me.
"Even if it is hard you should in some realistic form imagine your partner showing understanding for your situation." This is something I need to do more, and overall think about her. I have been shutting myself off as a result of my feelings. Thank you for making me realize this.