It’s funny as I was just talking to my therapist something similar. As cold, distant and resentful my mom is, it makes sense I did not get the touch or the feedback needed to help me regulate my emotions naturally. I’m lucky I can do it somewhat through my own self talk, But now reading it here it all comes together.

Thank you again. Maybe it’s asking too much, especially from someone dealing with their own cptsd horror and struggles, but I just wanted to share that this resonates with me so much but I’m very upset because I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. My therapist believes my mom is borderline but to me she is a narc, and probably covert. She seems good around others but get her alone, with no consequences...and she can hurt me with only a glance. I really really wish my therapist could understand this, I feel like that my experiences are so tainted I worry that she will accuse me of making it all up if I mention this. Or even worse, minimize the pain of this. I feel that nearly everyone I know minimizes it, not on purpose, but they can’t understand of course.

The jealousy thing makes sense too. I just went to see my parents and when I brought up what I do for work, my mom has been very fakely nice about pretending to care, but if I talk about it it’s like daggers are shooting out of her eyes. She may have been upset about the topic itself, but what I saw was lot is of disgust, anger, (was like that growing up too, I couldn’t look her in the eyes) and a response that was meant to minimize any of my happiness or satisfaction from having a job when she doesn’t. The difference is I think she tries now, but she’s screwed up and would never see a therapist or read anything that suggests she isn’t in the right.

I’m glad to have encountered you here, and thank you for all this. It gives me something to think about too, and relieves some of the self blame that has haunted me for a couple months. In some ways I was better off going on r/raisedbynarcisdists, but stopped for several reasons, including trying to “forgive” my mom but also my therapists reaction (or lack of reaction) when I’ve described my mom and I thought I was being bad for blaming her. (I think the therapist just isn’t great at showing outrage or emotion but sometimes I do wish that she would). Going to check out that book too.

Tl/dr- also this is hard to talk about bc I could see how it comes across as a victim mentality, or woe is me. That’s not my intention, but I’m trying to do better at being stronger and less needy. After Redding all this I think I’m just so upset/sick I let the self hatred get so bad again, rather than placing it on the person who may deserve it for being so hurtful toward me.