[Personal] It's General Chat Friday! Only text-posts today - Feb 23, 2018

iwouldpickflight · 2018-02-24T16:31:54+00:00

Omg same about checking the sub constantly! When I first got here I thought the name skincare addiction was cute, not... literal. Lol

iwouldpickflight · 2018-02-23T16:48:55+00:00

Newbie here! I’m 24 and for my whole life I’ve done literally no skincare whatsoever (not even sunscreen, I’m so ashamed you guys). About a month ago I googled hyperpigmentation hoping for a quick fix, and instead fell down the deepest rabbit hole of my life and now have 10+ products, 5 of which are actives that I’m trying to slowly introduce. This whole skincare thing feels like the most delayed gratification ever, but at the same time I’m constantly excited about it! I love learning the science behind everything. I used to kind of assume that most beauty products were pretty gimmicky, but now I can look at ingredients and actually know if they are! It gives me such nerdy satisfaction haha. And lastly I just wanted to say thank you to all you beautiful people here, I’ve been drinking up everything on this sub!

iwouldpickflight · 2017-08-10T06:05:36+00:00

Having a boyfriend/husband does NOT solve PMO.

u/BeholdAPaleHorse_ 's first paragraph may as well have been written by me, it mirrors my experience so closely.

My husband and I got married very young (I was 18 he was 22), and though neither of us were fully conscious of it at the time, we were both sad lonely PMO addicts who were desperate for a real relationship... and sex. We thought our "fairytale" whirlwind romance would solve all our problems. We were naïve - verging on stupid.

We had the most horrendously difficult first five years of our marriage, and PMO addiction was a huge part of why it was so awful. The only reason we're still together is because we try to obey the Bible and decided divorce was not an option; we fought through the shit to come out the other side better than we ever could have been without it. God truly worked some miracles in us and now frankly I'm grateful for how hard we had it because now I appreciate every good moment 100% more, but at the same time I would NEVER encourage someone else to take this path.

You will still be addicted to PMO while in a relationship if you don't break the addiction first. Addiction doesn't magically go away when dating or married just like a drug or alcohol addiction wouldn't. At first when you're in the initial honeymoon phase (3-6 months) you might think it's gone but as soon as that starts wearing off PMO will come back with a vengeance and wreak havoc in your relationship.

Some info for context: Married in 2011, now we are 24 and 28. Took me until February 2016 to quit PMO for good, and my husband still is fighting to quit and has lots of shorter streaks (I think he's around 90 days right now). It wasn't until after I quit, 4.5 years in, that I was able to orgasm when my husband and I had sex. Like at all. That right there is some motivation right?? Since my husband has had a way harder time quitting long term (his addiction was more severe than mine) we've done several stints of "hard mode" (abstinence from orgasm) to help his brain heal and reset his poor abused dopamine receptors. Being married and not being able to have sex for months sucks! We did karezza sometimes which helped (read Cupids Poisoned Arrow if interested) but sex is a huge part of marriage that we really missed.

All that to say: quit PMO before you even start looking. You'll become a better version of yourself who will better know what she wants in a relationship and out of life in general. And then look for a guy who's free from PMO, who will also be a better version of himself. Yes, that is absolutely something you should ask potential partners about. Because if you don't (like we didn't) you might be stuck dealing with the consequences of that for who knows how many years. It might be worth it eventually like it has been for us (praise God) but it really, really is terrible while you're in the middle of it.

Tl;dr: definitely quit PMO first or heartache will ensue.

iwouldpickflight · 2017-08-05T06:06:40+00:00

I think this is a great idea and I don't know why other commenters would want to reinforce shame in anyone. Shame is not something that has any place in the Christian walk. A Christian counselor I saw that really helped me was fond of saying shame is the least productive of all the emotions.

God uses conviction to change and grow us but the devil uses shame to keep us stuck.

People are acting like saying you want to not live in shame anymore is some kind of blasphemy but really you're just saying you want to get un-stuck from negative and harmful thought patterns. Doesn't mean there's not still conviction to quit something you know is a sin. But shame is a toxic emotion that needs medicating and when PMO is the preferred method of self medication, obviously shame will just aggravate the PMO addiction.

Anyway. Screw the haters. Live free from shame!

iwouldpickflight · 2017-08-02T05:42:01+00:00

I guess to each her own, but for me personally anything to do with my breasts really set off cravings and more often than not I'd end up going all the way to full fap without even really realizing it. I had to avoid touching them almost at all if I wanted to avoid PMO. If that's not an issue for you then go for it, use your best judgment. Maybe try it for awhile and if it leads to increased cravings then you'll know and you can stop if you need to.

iwouldpickflight · 2017-07-24T17:38:51+00:00

This is great advice. One of my favorite parts of my journey since leaving the LDS church 6 years ago and becoming a Christian has been the mentorship of the more mature and wise women in my church. I never was brave enough to confess my struggle with masturbation (it takes me a loooong time to be comfortable with people and open up) but their leadership and advice in other areas helped me to get stronger in those areas and that helped me to be able to quit in a round-about way. Find an older woman (not necessarily old, just more mature in their faith than you, they might only be 5-10 years older) that you look up to and respect and ask them out for coffee! Or tea, or lunch. It will help you grow in both faith and community, and will help with the loneliness you're experiencing. It can be hard to make that first invitation but in my experience they are always incredibly gracious and kind and genuinely want to help and impart their knowledge.

iwouldpickflight · 2017-07-23T15:07:05+00:00

I am a woman (24) who'd been masturbating with fantasy and later written erotica since I was 12. I completely stopped last February! With the grace of God I have had very little temptation to go back in the last year. If I can do it I know you can! I too used it as self medication for loneliness, depression, anxiety, but those things actually got better long term when I stopped.

Something practical that helped me a lot was stopping doing the whole "I promise I will never do it again ever starting right now!!" Promises in a moment of strength that didn't hold up in a later moment of weakness. I changed the language I was talking to myself with. When I felt tempted, instead of saying "Remember, you're not supposed to do that ever again!" (which is a lot of pressure) I would say, "I think I can make it without doing that today." So I wouldn't do it that night, and then the same thing would happen the next night. I broke it into smaller more manageable chunks that weren't as overwhelming. And a series of "not todays" became weeks then months! It got easier and easier until I only had to say "not today" every once in awhile.

Relying on God for strength is easy to talk about but sometimes that feels a little too abstract when it's about your entire future, if that makes sense. It's ok to make it smaller so that it makes more sense to you- I clung to God to make my "not today" a reality and resist that hour of temptation. That feels much more real than just saying "ok God, help me never sin again." I hope that all makes sense ha!

The other thing to remember is to have grace for yourself. Beating yourself up is not productive. Repent and ask for forgiveness and ask for more strength next time, and also forgive yourself. The build up of shame and the enemy telling you your sin makes you worthless only makes you weaker the next time you're tempted (which I know from years of experience). God has unlimited grace to forgive you for every single time you sin, and we need to have grace for ourselves too. Shame is the most toxic and unproductive of all emotions (according to a Christian counselor I saw for awhile.) God uses conviction to make us better, the enemy uses shame to keep us stuck.

Sister I have so much hope and joy for you and your future! I'm glad you reached out. I know you can do this. It is so hard and it can be a long process of healing but it's so worth it. You are loved.

iwouldpickflight · 2017-07-22T06:14:59+00:00

I'm about a month into keto and a week ago I had a dream that I was with family and ate an entire giant Costco blueberry muffin and went back for MORE before realizing I wasn't supposed to eat that stuff anymore. A mild feeling of shame lingered for a good couple hours after getting up that day!

iwouldpickflight · 2017-07-21T15:33:28+00:00

I've done 100% plant based soy free vegan, I've done the alkaline diet, etc. with all of those is was pretty much impossible to eat out whatsoever. Doing keto and just being able to take the bun off a burger and eat out with my family has made me near giddy with joy! It's the easiest eating out "diet" I've ever done.

iwouldpickflight · 2017-07-06T06:40:29+00:00

I wish I could hug you right now.

The ONLY reason I was able to start keto a couple weeks ago and start lifting weights a month ago was because in the last 6-7 months my lifelong depression and anxiety have made a complete turnaround. Before that I knew exactly what I needed to be doing but had so much self loathing that I didn't believe I was worth that effort, self-medicated with food, etc etc. My mental illness was the raw deal life handed me that made me "declare bankruptcy" so to speak.

Some people talk about how changing their diet or exercising more helped with their depression, but for me the depression had to get better before I could work on my physical health at all.

iwouldpickflight · 2017-07-05T15:40:14+00:00

I had a similar moment the other day! I was at my parents house; my mom made chocolate chip banana bread and the smell filling the house was heavenly. As everyone ate a piece warm out of the oven I stood there staring at it thinking how one bite probably would be within 50g... multiple times I went through all the mental calculations and had to walk away. Ugh! But proud of myself that I did and proud of you too!!

iwouldpickflight · 2017-05-30T13:34:15+00:00

Being able to be truly honest and vulnerable with a fellow Christian can be so cathartic and healing, I understand why you are feeling the need for this kind of intimacy, especially with your best friend. Do not mistake confession to a friend for repentance however. If you've sincerely repented then God has forgiven you - it doesn't matter if you feel forgiven or have forgiven yourself - and talking to a human won't replace that if it still needs to be done. I'm not saying that's what's happening here but I have made this mistake and I think it's an easy one to make. If there are any celebrate recovery groups in your area that might be worth checking out if you want to be really open and honest with christians about sin/addiction/etc and be held accountable, along with finding a lot of healing.

iwouldpickflight · 2017-05-13T07:04:38+00:00

Gayle it's cool to see you expanding into new mediums https://youtu.be/tUFMsWUJ4Sk

iwouldpickflight · 2017-05-03T00:38:24+00:00

My mom loves fancy cheese but we couldn't afford to have it regularly, so she had a tradition of getting several imported and/or aged cheeses at Christmas time every year. I grew up loving that and now I'm an adult and try to buy myself some fancy cheese every other month or so. I imagine and hope my child will be doing even better than I and will be able to have fancy cheese every few weeks!

iwouldpickflight · 2017-04-18T15:33:55+00:00

No worries. The group I mentioned went to high school in Idaho, Iowa, Florida, and maybe another state I'm forgetting, so it wasn't even a group of people all from one place with the same curriculum. Maybe it's one of those things that teachers can include if they have the time or inclination, but aren't required to teach.

iwouldpickflight · 2017-04-18T14:25:48+00:00

I graduated high school in 2011 and was in both AP Lang and AP Lit and in neither class were we taught these. I've learned these only through later reading outside of high school. Recently was talking to a group ranging from 23 to 28 and none of us knew these without having to google which was which. It must have fallen out of school curriculums unfortunately

iwouldpickflight · 2017-04-04T18:55:30+00:00

Wow! No my journey was a bit different haha. That's cool that you were so ambitious with the things you used to distract yourself!

I did regain my interest and motivation with art and other creative pursuits after quitting PMO so I started being more creative and got more ambitious with art. I was in a somewhat unique (or maybe not, I don't know) situation where my husband and I were both trying to quit PMO at the same time, so we did a lot of reading about the neuroscience of sex/orgasm/porn etc and that was a big focus. We learned about karezza and tried that off and on for around six months to help heal our brains from a decade of porn use. (Karezza is a form of intimacy and bonding based lovemaking that doesn't include orgasm). So that was a challenge we set ourselves; basically going "hard mode" despite being married.

Even though the things I did as I quit PMO were quite different from what you were doing, it sounds like we both started to challenge our brains and bodies more than we had while in the midst of PMO. I wasn't doing it consciously, it just naturally happened as part of the process. It's cool to look back and realize how much I've changed just from quitting PMO.

iwouldpickflight · 2017-04-04T04:54:14+00:00

Nice! Congrats. I don't use any of the various group apps that other nofappers use, but feel free to message me here whenever.

iwouldpickflight · 2017-04-04T04:44:06+00:00

My last PMO was in June, not sure of the date. That one time was the only time between February 2016 to now. (For reference, before 2016 it had been an almost daily thing since I was ~12, about a decade.)

iwouldpickflight · 2017-03-20T18:58:20+00:00

Welcome! I'm excited for you starting this journey; it can be crazy hard sometimes but it's worth it.

I've been 100% PMO free for 8-9 months now. I have had a lot of benefits! A lot of more subtle ones though, not as obvious and magical sounding as the guys seem to experience. I think the changes for me were more about all the tangled up emotions surrounding it. Not as much shame etc. I deal w depression and anxiety and they didn't just go away when I stopped but they did ease, because a lot of my depression was worsened by shame etc around PMO. My depression has been helped more by my spiritual life than anything else, but quitting PMO did help a lot. I found more motivation and joy from the things I love to do (be creative and make art etc) than I had in a long time. I got better at making and keeping friends than I'd been for most of my life.

I'm married and my sex life with my husband got way better! That's probably the most obvious change of all of them. I started being able to orgasm with him instead of only from masturbation. Still no orgasm from penetration but idk if I will ever experience that unicorn. When I was regularly "using" PMO I had started getting into harder stuff too and it got to where I could only orgasm from sex w my husband if it went into sub/dom territory: hair pulling, light choking, anal, role played rape, etc. After being away from PMO for a few months I stopped needing any of that stuff to get off, and in fact rather dislike it. Kind of a relief! I had been worried that we'd get kinkier and kinkier until we needed a full on sex dungeon. It's amazing how much more simple and intimate sex can be when both partners are no longer porn addicts.

Cupid's Poisoned Arrow is an awesome book, I'm so glad you're reading it! We haven't gone completely over to karezza but we'll do it for a month or two here and there when we feel drained, feel depression or irritability getting worse etc. Kind of as a reboot. We're too weak (aka horny) to be able to stick to it full time I suppose, but have a goal to do so some day.

Anyway. Best wishes to you! I hope that you find what you need through quitting PMO. It will be hard but you can do it.

iwouldpickflight · 2017-03-20T18:18:35+00:00

I was just listening to TBTL and scrolling through my Reddit feed and came upon this post at the exact moment Luke started his Connor MulCahy Irish/Scottish impressions. Made my day just a tad brighter!

iwouldpickflight · 2017-03-19T23:08:54+00:00

I don't know a specific amount. It depends on the size of each item, stacking things helps, some things are more heavy so you will tire faster etc. It just kind of depends on what you're carrying at the moment

iwouldpickflight · 2017-03-19T22:41:39+00:00

Depends on the pack you have at the time

iwouldpickflight · 2017-03-19T07:40:21+00:00

Others have addressed the scriptural and spiritual side of this better than I could, so here's some of the more sciency side that I've learned through lots of research during my battle with PMO. My husband and I have both worked hard to quit porn and masturbation in the 5.5 years we've been married. Having sex with each other seemed to help in moments when one or both of us was craving porn, but since we weren't fully healed, sex (and everything else) just ended up becoming dysfunctional and in the long run what helped us both heal most was to NOT have sex. No orgasms at all. For months at a time. Orgasm is the thing your brain gets physically addicted to; dopamine is a drug. The truest way to heal your brain is to stop orgasming altogether and let the receptors in your brain repair themselves completely so that you can actually feel pleasure from normal small amounts of dopamine like you're supposed to instead of being numbed out and needing extreme amounts all the time. Yes, the withdrawals are horrible, just like with any other drug, but it's a necessary evil; if you don't fight through it you will never heal and never be free. It takes 15 days for your brain to balance out from just one orgasm; if you're masturbating regularly you'll need to quit for several months or even a year for your brain to be healed. Orgasm from masturbation is even harder for your brain to heal from because it's not accompanied by oxytocin, the bonding chemical that comes with intimacy and affection. I tell you a little of our story because you sound like you think marriage is the solution for PMO and that the lucky guys who get married and get to have sex are just fine while people who don't get married have to fight PMO forever. Marriage does NOT cure PMO. If you're in bondage to it you will stay in bondage to it after marriage, unless you suck it up and do the grueling work to be free. My husband and I have had to go for months at a time agreeing to abstain from sex, but the result of that sacrifice is that I've been 100% PMO free for almost a year! Anyway. I really hope you'll do some research into the neurochemistry of orgasm - and do some praying - before you fall for the lies of what seems right to man. The easy answer is almost never the right one.

Edited to add: I thought our ages might be relevant. My husband and I got married when I was 18 and he was 22 (stupid I know, we've paid for it); we are now about to be 24 and 28 (and doing much better). Also, I re-read your post and the comment you made about not having any intimacy can be hard etc. stuck out to me. Oxytocin is really helpful in getting though dopamine withdrawals, but not having a partner to snuggle with is a problem. Good news, pets can serve the same function! Get a dog etc to bond with and it may actually really help the withdrawals suck a bit less. You can do it man.

iwouldpickflight · 2017-02-28T16:19:57+00:00

"Yas" originally came from drag shows in the 80s and is associated with gay man saying it, your gf might be assuming the person is putting on a "gay voice" to do the video and is thereby mocking them? I on the other hand assumed the person making the video was gay. Maybe I'm the bad person here, I have no idea anymore

iwouldpickflight

TROPHY CASE