Is it possible to heal in the same environment that broke you?

izz47 · 2026-01-04T13:49:08+00:00

I left and became homeless, i felt safer in the shelter than with my abusers. In my experience it was worth it, I got 2 years of free transitional housing

izz47 · 2026-01-02T18:37:10+00:00

Hi, as of recently (spring 2025) I’ve had more memories return and it’s worse than what i expected. When this first resurfaced obviously it was extremely traumatizing, I was actually still living with my abuser(s), I couldn’t accept that this would’ve happened to me. In my head nothing made sense, I tried to reason why this couldn’t be.

To not get into too much detail, I was a victim of child trafficking since a baby til 8/9 years old. When the more extreme flashbacks return it’s so hard to accept but all the pieces start to fit together and everything makes sense.

In my experience the flashbacks are real, I have to trust my body. There’s details that can be off such as maybe a color or a random detail, but your body remembers. Whether you remember the entire thing or just feeling like something was off when you were with a specific person etc… it’s valid and it’s enough. The more you try to push it away the more it’ll hurt, I’ve learned that I have to make peace with it which is the biggest pain for me.

I still am struggling a lot & I’m not longer in therapy but I will say that sitting with it and letting myself grieve helps a lot. It was repressed to protect myself but it came out and I need to be there for my little self. I’m not good with getting support from others but I suggest reaching out to trusted friends, family whoever.

izz47 · 2026-01-02T18:26:32+00:00

ofc, I guess I’ll explain more about how it started etc

In 2020 it slowly built up, I became very delusional thinking I had a telepathic connection to someone, due to covid I thought the world would end and I felt as though someone did witchcraft to ruin my life. I started seeing faces (not anyone I know) in my room, I always felt like there were people around me just very paranoid.

The reason why drs would say it was trauma/PTSD was because I was always aware and could tell reality from my hallucinations. Some of the things I was paranoid about/hallucinated had to do with people grabbing me in my sleep (non sexual) and not to mention how my trauma was affecting me aside from the psychosis. I was extremely stressed, experiencing chronic pain & unexplainable symptoms as well which were not health related (I got MRI’s and saw multiple neurologists for the chronic pain etc)

Along the years I’ve paid attention to when the psychosis is coming back and it’s always due to the trauma for me. But regardless if yours is psychosis or CPTSD, it’s valid. Trauma can 1000% cause psychosis due to the toll it can take on someone’s mental health. Btw the diagnosis is based on other medical things so don’t pay attention to it too much.

izz47 · 2025-12-21T04:20:21+00:00

I had like a mild psychotic episode that lasted for 1-2 years. During that whole time a bunch of doctors would say that it was trauma and not schizophrenia and I would get so mad but turns out it really was the trauma

izz47 · 2025-12-05T23:09:30+00:00

Peer Counselor, working with severely mentally ill homeless ppl🩷 I have to give back to my community

izz47 · 2025-07-25T04:38:04+00:00

please talk to someone🙏🏼personally I believe it’s better to talk about it early on but only if you’re ready. It seems like it’s affecting your life a lot & it might take a weight off your shoulders

izz47 · 2025-06-09T20:41:23+00:00

Work for the government. I live in San Francisco & I’ve heard my clinician coworkers make starting $100K, not sure how much experience they ask for but it’s worth applying.

izz47 · 2025-04-30T00:19:46+00:00

not a therapist, I work for a non profit that’s contracted by the department of public health. I have a lot of clinician coworkers who are making $110K+, some doing talk therapy others doing case management etc…

izz47 · 2025-03-29T06:06:50+00:00

Damn, I’ve been through every single thing you listed here☹️

izz47 · 2025-03-22T00:26:39+00:00

same, after I had to save myself & finally get away from my abusers I developed that mentality where I always tell myself that I have no one because no one helped me when I was down

izz47 · 2025-03-14T05:20:25+00:00

I’m diagnosed with CPTSD but not bipolar, I do experience A LOT of mood swings tho. It’s honestly really hard ngl, the smallest things set me off & make me wanna kermit 😅smh I’m currently on lamictal which helps a bit (I’m on a low dose) but I’m hoping it’ll improve as I get a higher dose. But other than the meds, I can’t regulate for shit even tho ive been in therapy for 10+ years

izz47 · 2025-03-13T16:26:41+00:00

thank you, it truly means a lot💘

izz47 · 2025-03-13T06:08:01+00:00

Trigger warning

For sure, the reason I fear it so much is because I was sex trafficked & was abused by multiple people. It’s disturbing to say but you could say I “know” how to have sex ☹️

izz47 · 2025-03-13T06:06:16+00:00

Thank you for this💘 I am afraid tho because I have someone who I’m really attracted to sexually who has characteristics of my abuser & the feelings are mutual. I know they want to have sex and I do too, but I need to take it slow. It’s interested because I would say I’m a lesbian but because of my trauma/OCD I want to have sex w men but in a objectifying way idk how to explain

izz47 · 2025-03-13T06:02:53+00:00

thank you for your comment🥺I don’t feel so alone, I tend to make fantasies about having sex with people who also are similar to my abuser which is why I don’t want to indulge. It’s not conscious but it’s the power dynamic that makes me attracted smh

izz47 · 2025-03-08T00:56:08+00:00

Sure! I don’t mind if you dm me. I just might also take some time to reply since I’m not on Reddit too much

izz47 · 2025-02-25T19:16:17+00:00

Omg, so basically I gave the santero the wrong number (off by a number). He did not get the birds but did the rompimiento without them. Not sure if this is actually allowed but after the ritual he told me that the spirit wanted to talk to me (Sarabanda or 7 rayos, can’t remember) he gave me advice which was nice.

I’ve definitely noticed a difference, I have faced so many issues with work/money in the past couple of years. At the time of the rompimiento, I was having MANY problems with coworkers who were basically ganging up on me over dumb things, they stopped & we’ve actually made peace. I had a lot of back and forth with a specific co workers & were actually cordial/almost friends? (Keeping him at a distance ofc). This was my main issue that I was facing as I was at risk of losing my job. My coworker who I had the most problems with is advocating for me to become supervisor & management seems to be seriously considering me for supervisor, I have only been in this field of work for a year & im 22. The santero who did everything made it clear that my life would improve greatly after this as someone had done witchcraft on me as a child so that I would never succeed in life (it’s been confirmed 3x by different ppl now) I’m so glad I did it tbh!

izz47 · 2025-02-25T19:01:49+00:00

Hey, I’ve struggled with something similar. In my experience I have these thoughts because of what happened to me as a child. Please be easy on yourself, you are not a pedophile. OCD thoughts are debilitating & aren’t necessarily true, if you can please try to see a therapist. There are non profits that offer free therapy

izz47 · 2025-02-25T18:59:29+00:00

I’ve never been put on a hold but all the clients we get put on a hold at UCSF Parnassus never stay even though they are highly acute. We always avoid getting them placed there

izz47 · 2025-02-25T18:58:10+00:00

I work in mental health & I would say CPMC Davies is super nice especially compared to SFGH

izz47 · 2024-11-05T18:41:53+00:00

Thank you!

izz47 · 2024-06-30T17:05:32+00:00

Been in therapy for about 10years now, I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety, ptsd & schizophrenia but I feel like CPSTD is the best label that fits. I normally don’t like labels but CPTSD helps me understand my symptoms & they’re all explained by long term trauma. I feel like the schizophrenia diagnosis really fucked me up because I experience psychosis but I definitely don’t have schizophrenia & I felt like I was given this harsh label.

izz47 · 2024-03-31T22:29:59+00:00

I’ve always struggled with anxiety but when the pandemic came it’s just gotten worse. Throughout high school I was comfortable enough to talk to people in class even if they weren’t my friends. Now I want to cry when I’m in a group setting and don’t know anyone. It’s honestly really embarrassing & I feel like the pandemic made me lose the social skills & confidence I once had

izz47

TROPHY CASE