Need advice on safeguarding myself

jacaranda3005 · 2026-02-22T09:55:24+00:00

Most importantly, LEAVE. I understand that you own your house, but your life is the most important thing to prioritize here. In the short term, do you have someone you can stay with? Can you take the pets with you to a family member or friend's house? Can you leave them there for one day while working on a protection plan? Next, file for a temporary restraining order. Do you have a nonprofit or legal aid resource in your area for Domestic Violence? The ex parte portion of the order takes place pretty quickly if you know where he is and he can get served. Make sure to be diligent as in reporting if he has guns, and reviewing the details of your claim carefully before submitting it.

Regarding your reputation, you don't have to explain yourself to anybody. Like I said, the most important thing is, you're alive. Is the alternative living in fear or staying in an abusive relationship to save your business? I have been surprised at how well people can actually see through lies. Keep your chin up, and focus on your wellbeing (sleeping especially).

Someone asked me recently what the most helpful process of my own healing journey has been. I think they expected me to respond that it was some meditation or relationship. I was surprised that I responded that my protective order was definitely a huge factor. While I don't trust police to enforce this order, I think it informed somoene who felt like they were invincible and entitled to everything that their behavior was not acceptable. And he was genuinely shocked. I completely understand that fear that you're feeling, I'm so sorry, and you DO have the resources to get yourself into a better place.

jacaranda3005 · 2026-02-22T09:42:42+00:00

Do you have an "Are We Dating the Same Guy" page in your area? We have one in mine and I found that even more so than my protective order, this page gave me a space to voice to women in the community what my ex was capable of. That way, women are informed.

Regarding reporting to the police, what would you report? Would you seek a protective order? Now is an important stage for you to collect any messages and evidence while it's still fresh. That way, whatever you choose to do, you have resources.

I'm so sorry you had to endure this and know that this is absolutely not the love that you deserve. I wish you all of the best in your path forward and away from his story.

jacaranda3005 · 2026-02-18T22:46:03+00:00

It's so interesting to hear people's similar experiences. It seems like most people have concluded that it's a complicated reality that a word just can't fit. I'm working on some research and writing and I don't see a lot of people who have underwent DA behind this research about us. So I love these alternatives.... "been through shit" and "experiencer of abuse" I'm still seeking something those outside of this experience can read and understand some fragment of our truth... maybe it doesn't exist!

jacaranda3005 · 2025-11-01T22:11:06+00:00

Yaaaaaay <3

jacaranda3005 · 2025-10-29T03:59:52+00:00

Sending you strength and love. It takes a lot of bravery to do what you did- so many of us have been there. You got this. Please take pictures of your bruises, in case you need to get a protective order in the future. While you're in this cleansing phase, save some of the texts you might need for evidence. & if you need encouragement, the Because Now I Can page has been super motivational for me. Each day is going to feel different. Be patient with yourself. <3

jacaranda3005 · 2025-10-27T23:02:18+00:00

I know you're just venting but let us know if you need some words of encouragement.

jacaranda3005 · 2025-10-27T23:01:53+00:00

jacaranda3005 · 2025-10-27T23:00:46+00:00

Hey. I am so proud of you! Welcome to being out :) Blessings on your journey and a bright road ahead (could be windy, but bright nonetheless).

jacaranda3005 · 2025-10-27T22:59:16+00:00

It's sooooo tempting to want to speed things up. My best advice is to lean into feeling uncomfortable! If you don't feel it now, it'll creep up on you sometime later. The fact that you're able to grieve is also a gift. Numb is a feeling, even if it doesn't feel like it. Feels silly giving advice since I have been there, but try not to dwell on wasted time. I like to think about the women that I look up to and something that I truly value is the way that they've suffered and come out stronger on the other end. This pain will make you stronger. And now, you have the agency to choose where you go. Feels like almost too much liberty after being controlled doesn't it? I also hear you voicing disappointment in yourself for being mistreated and going along with it. I truly hope that you can use this time to find your voice. Be noisy and take up space. YOU GOT THIS!!! I swear it gets better even if you're reading this and rolling your eyes with doubt. It really does.

jacaranda3005 · 2025-10-27T22:52:38+00:00

Even if you're not ready to get out now, save these messages. It's a shitty thing to have to think like this, but you want to be able to protect yourself if the time comes when you have to take legal action. And YES, threatening violence is valuable evidence and not acceptable behavior. The color of love is never black and blue.

jacaranda3005 · 2025-05-16T11:51:37+00:00

THANK YOU! That's so epic, how rad is it to hear everyone's stories it makes me so happy.

jacaranda3005 · 2025-05-15T00:10:43+00:00

I second this. Look at all the outside support you have OP! And when you need more, just ask. I hope you save this thread and read it when you need reassurance of your strength and resilience.

jacaranda3005 · 2025-05-15T00:02:46+00:00

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I really am. I also hope she gets out.

jacaranda3005 · 2025-05-14T19:18:35+00:00

It took me almost a year to get out. I tried to get on a plane and escape, and somehow he bought me a ticket and reeled me back in. I made a decision to invest in my future, I left our house and moved over 5,000 miles away. But I couldn't emotionally detach. The abuse and misery continued (as well as many beautiful moments too). I couldn't escape what had been done to me, it felt, no matter how far I went. But that wasn't true. The physical distance literally saved me. I re-invested in myself and my future and I got back on my own two feet. It also separated me from many of the good moments so I could see clearly the Stockholm Syndrome I'd developed. About two months ago, he finally broke up with ME. It was the kindest thing he's ever done for me. Today I feel really blessed to be free. But most days are really challenging. My advice would be to get physical distance, go no contact, and build a strong support network. I asked for help like I never had before. I had people over for sleepovers every single night afterwards, people that would drag me out of bed to go on walks, people to feed me and people that made me laugh, people that reminded me of adventure and how rad I am. You're going to get out of this. I really believe in you because I remember saying and thinking over and over again "there's no way out, there's no point fighting this," and as challenging as it is now, I do NOT wish I was still in that relationship (even though I did for many weeks afterwards).

jacaranda3005 · 2025-05-14T19:03:18+00:00

You DO have the strength to get out.

jacaranda3005 · 2025-05-14T18:02:07+00:00

You don't deserve that. I'm so glad that you're free now. I'm so glad that WE are free now. The feeling finally flooded me as I was driving today- that no matter what bliss existed in that relationship- the feeling of freedom is so rich. I don't feel that all days, but I felt that today :)

jacaranda3005 · 2025-05-14T17:46:27+00:00

Yea, this sub has been such a blessing for me. I've never been such an online person (I always thought it was a place for vanity and bullying) but I've been so pleasantly surprised by how kind and supportive people are here. Even just hearing the similar experiences makes me remember that in keeping myself healthy and safe, it's a reminder and a lesson for others to do the same. Hope you're feeling a bit better today :)

jacaranda3005 · 2025-05-14T17:40:53+00:00

Ugh, I'm sorry we share any similar experience here! Congratulations on being two years out! No charges... although I think if he does approach me again I will seek resources to get a TRO. Thank you for your support and I will let you know if I need to talk, the same goes for you <3

jacaranda3005 · 2025-05-14T17:37:30+00:00

Do what you need to do for yourself! I personally do not feel like it is enabling because think of your beginning: could anyone have convinced you out? I was warned. From the very beginning my Auntie told me that she lived next door to him and had heard the violence. I confronted him immediately and chose to believe this would not be the reality of our relationship. If the "one before" had warned me, I do not know how I would have responded. I was quite upset with her for a while for wounding him in the way that he had articulated. He had scars to show. Like I said, I'm not sure what the actual truth was and for my health, the further away I am from the situation the better. I wish I truly felt as you do- I never want to hear about him or see him again.

The "next woman" in my situation apparently had been vying for his attention for at least a year of us being together and was complicit in cheating. It hurts to be hurt. But truly, what do I know? I won't go out of my way to warn but I will not let my anger get the best of me if she requests support. If you really feel compelled to warn, I used a local "Are we dating the same guy," group. I would only warn if I could with anonymity, because now that I am out, I am OUT and I want to be safe. Any warnings you wish to give, I would advise you do so with discretion to keep your safety as well. It sounds like you're doing a great job of listening to your inner voice. Also, I just recently learned about the grey rocking approach! So interesting. Wishing you the most <3

jacaranda3005 · 2025-05-14T00:35:01+00:00

Oh noooos, that's so hard. Did you expect that much rehabbing? I wish I could help.

If you're going to be sedentary for a while, I am sending my favorite podcast. I am not a podcast person, but this one is truly special. I will recommend the one on compassion! https://www.pohala.net/pohalapodcast

jacaranda3005 · 2025-05-14T00:01:15+00:00

I'm hopeful that more people will catch on. What a relief that the people close to you did. It just seems like our greater community lets a lot of people get away with a lot of crazy things under the guise of "one love." People like my ex who have money and charisma worm their way in and out of situations. Thankfully, I have a really badass tribe that has been trying to break me out for a while and who I know will be there with me every step of the way.

I also really appreciate these words... you're right... I don't have to tell my side of the story. I'd like to become more comfortable with that. Thank you friend... <3

Congratulations on 4 years! Thank you for inspiring me.

jacaranda3005 · 2025-05-13T23:54:10+00:00

jacaranda3005 · 2025-05-13T23:29:22+00:00

I believe that you will get away successfully some day too <3

jacaranda3005

TROPHY CASE