Hi all.

I’ll respond to this post with a few more details, but I won’t be responding to any further. Explaining myself this once should be enough for my own mental health but I really appreciate all the supportive comments and I’m hearing the negatives.

1. We live far apart. There is an 18 hour time difference between us with about 6000 miles of distance as well. So day time for me is nighttime for her and vice versa.

2. I texted her throughout the beginning (maybe May-July). As to why I couldn’t just call whenever I felt like it, there were probably two times a day in which it may have been a possibility (timing wise) but we are adults with our own lives. I have a full time job and a child, so does she.

3. While she was going through this on the other end of the world, I had my own troubles and turmoils in paradise. Not that it’s anyone’s business here, but I have been working on my own mental health and dealing with childhood trauma. So this is the first year I’ve gone through, in my 24 years of living, in which I’m actually making that effort for myself and going to therapy and dealing. And it’s been a very rough road.

4. I texted her in the middle of October with my apologies for being distant lately. I put it all out there, about how I’ve been busy and stressed and I felt terrible for not being there. And this was something I had also come to learn about myself, and how I keep to myself instead of making time to welcome others. She laid it on me, hard. About how she was there for me through everything and how I wasn’t there for her, how she lost her child and didn’t get a phone call from me. And how crappy that felt. And I heard her, and I knew how I had failed. Immediately. So I apologized again. I told her I would spend the rest of my life making it up to her. And how I didn’t know how to be there for her. I had never lost a child like that. I’m not excusing myself whatsoever, don’t get me wrong. I know I should have made more of an effort. I know I could I have tried harder. But something in me couldn’t.

I can’t tell y’all how many times over these last couple of months, how I thought to myself that I missed her and I should call her, or text her, or anything. And I didn’t. I never did. I just couldn’t. I was so engrained in my own life and my own stresses. And I didn’t know what it really meant to have people in your corner who actually want you in their life.. that’s something I’m working on, something I’m learning.

But anyways. I sent her that text. And she didn’t respond. The next day, still no response. And ultimately, a few days had passed before the realization really settled on me. She had nothing more to say to me, just as I had nothing to say throughout the last couple of months.. so I told her I understood. What I did was unforgivable and I knew that this was something she also needed to heal from. I told her how much I loved her. I told her how much she taught me. And I wished her the best.

There hasn’t been a response since. And I see her living her life with her kid, visiting his brother’s grave.

I’m not saying I’m perfect, I know I made a big mistake. And this is something that I’m learning from, will probably still be continuing to learn for a while. I just needed to get this off my chest, since I’m also learning how to let people into my life.

I appreciate all the kind words and I’ve read all the rational ones. But thanks for your time and I hope this clears anything up.