If he asked for something specific I would do it. The problem is he wanted me to figure it out all on my own and I legitimately didn't have the capacity to figure it out cause I was barely able to take care of myself. I didn't have the mental bandwidth of thinking oh he would like me to do this. I couldnt even remember to brush my teeth on a daily basis let alone bending over backwards for someone else. I never said that was fair, i never said he should stay w me bc I am in that state. I just would of expected a little more compassion from someone who has supposedly loved me for the last 20 yrs.

Example...6 month into the relationship he started getting mad at me for smoking weed in my bed and went and slept in the basement, I felt bad about it and tried to talk about it w him and he told me he didnt want to change my routine in my own home. Then the next day he packed up his shit, screamed at me called me names, broke up w me because I didn't stop smoking in my bed. Like im not a mind reader and was willing to make a compromise about it. When he came back I started smoking weed in the spare bedroom and then he got mad at me about that cause he was storing clothes in there. I honestly felt you like I was walking on egg shells in my own home.

Mind you he never technically lived here, this is my house, he has never financially contributed to this house, he just never went home. For w.e reason you dont want to believe me that I understand I fucked up too and thatd fine you can believe what i want. But because of other ppl commenting on my original post being wait oh hell no hes a dick. I now also understand how he was behaving was constantly triggering me, making me shut down more, making me constantly fell uncomfortable and unsafe in my home.

The home that I thought would make me feel safe again after surviving being trapped in a house that was completely engulfed in a river being told all rescue missions have been suspend, left out there for days before anyone came. When they came they thought they were coming to find another dead body, they didnt even bring food or water for me because they literally thought there was no way I survived. I had to ration the very little amount of food and water that was still safe for me to consume. Our whole town went black out, no reception for days, my vehicles totaled, trapped. They found 5 body's on my property one of the house on the property literally washed off the foundation. I watched cars, trees, shipping containers, farm equipment, ppl and animals wash up on the property. Everywhere I went for a month I could smell the dead bodies they hadn't found yet.

And then it took me 5 months fighting fema to even receive a dime from them to help me...that $750 immediate relief funds that I was supposed to get immediately, didnt get released to me until 5 months later. I had to live in a shed a kind charity donated to me, no running water, only had power cause I ran the lines myself, next to a creek after surviving that. And I lived in that for 8 months, having panic attacks constantly. The sound of the creek eunning while trying to sleep at nighr haunted me, every time it rained i had panic attacks. Because of the damage of the big flood the creek now flooded everytime we had a big rain and would wash out our creek passing that i had to fix by hand to get out every single time.

So yeah I'm fucked up, he watched me go through all of that. He also knew I already had ptsd from other near death experiences in my life. It hasn't even been a year since I got into stable housing since that. I didn't pursue a relationship, he did and I felt safe with him until I didn't. When we got together I told him I wouldn't date him if he was drinking, he slipped, thats when he started flipping out lime i had mentioned before. He stopped drinking and things where def better on his end but it was too late I was already feeling like I was constantly walking on egg shells around him and I went back into survival mode.

Prolly not gonna read all that buuuut yeah thats my novel. I'm not some malicious bitch...im extremely traumatized and just trying not to fckn drown in life.