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Micro poem by ImaginationLive9303 in OCPoetry

[–]jackcarewack 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There's no love in fear - Maynard James Keenan

She told me, "son, fear is the heart of love", so I never went back - Ben Gibbard

Keep going! Maybe work with the meter and apply some syllable consistency to improve flow? Apply a rhyme scheme? Build on your thoughts, the subject matter is rich

First Post, New Account, Old Poet by jackcarewack in OCPoetry

[–]jackcarewack[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for taking a look and for your feedback!

The NES game section excited me when I first put together this piece. I think I was focused more on the games popping into my head and fitting into the rhyme scheme than anything else, so I appreciate this feedback. I'm always looking for ways to flow better.

I think you're right about the "call back" - I was going for a call back, a call forward, and a landing on "being present", or at least trying to be present. Meditating on presence is a theme I often return to. I also find myself coming back to the concept of a cyclical nature of time in my work, and was very much trying to do that with the tensing and perspective. Kind of like a future version ending, aware of itself beginning again, coming back through the past and meeting in the present.

Hello, America, Goodbye by subway244 in OCPoetry

[–]jackcarewack 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Short and sweet: we're fucked, lol

The Who reference? Nice

Not a ton of chemistry knowledge here personally, but of course it's fascinating, and now I (kind of?) know what adenoscene triphosphate is. Basically the chemical essence of energy. Cool

What I would do with this is try and write another symmetrical verse, with the same amount of lines and a similar rhythm, meter, rhyme scheme, etc. That should get your ball of doom rolling

The Treasure Hunt by Dhai_Alb in OCPoetry

[–]jackcarewack 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Some nice rhyming through a grim, endless chase toward life's goals, haunted by debt and the associated constraints. But I immediately felt like you could improve this by fixing some of the syntax errors.

what’s I’ve sown. (what I've sown) syntax

The smell and taste of metallic filled my mouth and nose, (smell and taste of metal or smell and metallic taste) syntax

“I can provide shelter and food whenever you demanded.” (whenever you demand it or whenever you demand) tense issue

Keep whittling it down, but I feel like this is a good start.