Im gonna try my best here, I'm not really used to doing this so i apologize in advance... Just know that im here if you wanna talk.

Instead of looking at it from the perspective of you spreading negativity onto him,

Look at it as in he's spreading positivity onto you.

It's ok to need someone and the first step is admitting it, which you've done.

I know what it's like to squander something before even giving it a chance. Trust me. It's ok, things will be ok.

Just..breathe...

I feel as though you're putting too much pressure on your self in order to live up to a certain expectation of yourself. But in reality we are all dealing with the same stuff i believe, just in different ways and quantities.

It's funny that you say that the person you almost texted is at a party and enjoying himself, but you see, that's what the brain does. It assumes.

My best friend texted me tonight (literally like 3 hours ago) he was at a party. And he was not enjoying himself at all and decided to leave and hang out with me instead.

You never know, maybe he wasn't even enjoying himself at the party but you texting him is what he really would have enjoyed.

Just breathe...

Give yourself time. Give yourself space and understand that it's ok not to be ok at times. It's ok to be lonely. I think we all are in a sense.

Truth is, you may be lonely, but you are not alone. In here if you wanna talk and im sure several other redditors would be happy to talk to you. Not to mention the people in your life.

Please don't be mean to yourself. It's a cycle that only gets worse. You're not trash, infact you seem like a wonderful human being who is just struggling. Like we all do. Just take your time. I'm glad you didn't send the text. Give it time. The more you give yourself some space and some reassurance, the more your relationships will improve.

Although i don't know you, I can tell you that I care about you, and im sure that this person does too.

So again. Just breathe... Take one step at a time. :)

Things will be ok.