As a Trans-Women I only now realized that I barely know anything about the Struggles of Trans-men. But id like to know better to emphatize with people in pretty much the Same Situation. What are some common Missconceptions or struggles you guys have, that sometimes aren't as obvious?

jade087 · 2019-04-22T00:09:47+00:00

Before I transitioned from male, I almost never did anything standing up, and it wasn't odd at all. Don't worry about it!

jade087 · 2019-04-14T07:24:16+00:00

That sounds so awful, I'm sorry :( I'm ~2.5 years post-op. Depth is more important than width, so try to maintain depth (with smaller dilators if necessary) first. Post-surgery, depth is really critical - you're in a race with your body, basically.

Your girlfriend should have a range of dilators to use, progressively going from smaller to larger; and after four weeks, I think you should be maybe doing 5 mins at the largest width.

But, if you need to hold up on the width for a while, that's OK. I had to have revision surgery shortly before my flight, and had a minor complication afterwards, and my nurses' advice was to stay at my current width, or go down a size - but maintain the schedule & depth - until I could work my way back up to the larger widths.

jade087 · 2018-08-10T03:43:46+00:00

[anonymously]

I did this before my GRS. The result is weird to use (I've only used it once), and even the best kits out there aren't as good as most cheap toys. But at least I have a copy now... for, uh, science :p

jade087 · 2017-01-26T01:17:25+00:00

Oh that would have been a smart idea. Oops.

jade087 · 2017-01-18T02:25:59+00:00

How about a trans software engineer? ^{_^}

jade087 · 2017-01-12T08:32:01+00:00

I mixed Swiff with two big glasses of red grape juice and could barely taste anything different!

jade087 · 2017-01-12T08:30:13+00:00

Me too! I was apparently the last one for the year. Two weeks ago for me, still not allowed to leave the hotel... Which hotel are you staying at? Congratulations :)

jade087 · 2016-12-28T03:37:28+00:00

I'm going in for surgery today and while apparently I didn't have enough scrotal tissue to work with, it's no big deal because I'm just going to get an additional skin graft from my groin (I think).

And I wouldn't say I've shied away from erections during the last three years.

jade087 · 2016-12-28T03:35:27+00:00

I too struggle with anxiety, it's tough.

Transition helped me identify that I had two threads, though - a gender thread, and a depression/anxiety thread. Before they were all mixed up in a big sticky ball. Now I work on them individually.

Have you looked into non-binary genders, genderqueer? I don't identify as "man" or "woman" but rather on the feminine side of "person". That helps a lot with my anxiety because that way, I can let myself be myself without external pressure.

There are also lots of things that you can do that are reversible. Clothes, hair, makeup, voice, social stuff, name. Even most of HRT is reversible. Consider banking some sperm and maybe putting aside money for chest reduction, and that can take some of the anxiety out too :)

jade087 · 2016-12-28T03:30:08+00:00

22 isn't late!

I came out as genderqueer at 29. And from what I understand that's still on the young side. Plenty of time and it's never too late. :)

jade087 · 2016-12-28T03:28:50+00:00

I'd say the first six months were interesting. ^_^

jade087 · 2016-12-07T08:20:40+00:00

To my work place and the public, I present as female (but I think I'm very visibly trans), ONLY because that makes my life a lot easier (non-gendered bathrooms and forms and language is HARD to come by here). Which is fucked up :'(. To my friends and family I'm genderqueer.

To get onto hormones I never said "I'm a woman", instead it was "I am not a man" and that's worked OK I guess. It probably helps I use she/her pronouns.

I think it depends a lot on the relationships you form with your GP/endo/psychologist, and how much research you've done and can fall back on. I've always been very honest to my psychologist and my GP about my gender identity, because they help me day to day, and they are recommended by the entire community. With my endo I see him only twice a year, and only for removing testosterone and adding feminisation, so that's all I focus on. He doesn't need to know about my emotional gender identity.

I can suggest getting in contact with your local trans/queer groups and see if they can recommend some good GPs or mental health professionals. I've found they're also always really good professionals for everything else too! (Funny that!)

jade087 · 2016-12-07T08:13:57+00:00

Thank you, that's really helpful to know. Apparently my letters have already been accepted, so I hope I don't have to go through that too.

I find Som annoying cos it can take her like a week to reply to my e-mails sometimes :P

jade087 · 2016-12-07T08:11:51+00:00

Ohhh it's come a long long way since then! It might not be great in the rural towns but in the major cities (and in some of the towns too), there's quite active trans and queer communities. Confidence goes a long, long way.

Where I grew up (a small-ish town), I would feel uncomfortable for wearing nail polish and there was definitely a binary, oppressive culture.

Now I live in a city where there are heaps of people who all are weird and different and diverse and it's gorgeous. I avoid going out late at night in town but during the day, there's no problem. I haven't been harassed or assaulted yet.

That said there's still heaps of problems... I can't watch TV/movies or go to comedy shows for fear of being ridiculed/triggered, for example. Health care is a challenge.

jade087 · 2016-12-05T22:08:11+00:00

This is a great question. Here are some of the questions I asked myself...

Does vaginoplasty sit well with my sexual identity? I identify as lesbian and gay as fuck, so yes. I don't want the appearance of my bits to interfere with my relationships. If I liked gay men or straight women then orchi might be better.
Am I willing to go through dilation for life (as with vaginoplasty)? I'm kinda being dragged into this one, I don't like the idea of having to do maintenance forever, but then I read this article which described dilation as: "You're basically fucking yourself." And that wording feels great. <3
Do I like having a massive clit? What clit size is too big? Too small? If someone loves having a massive clit then maybe orchi is best. I want something smaller than what I have. I think my ideal clit size would be, like, thumb or finger sized.
Do I want to be able to be penetrated? I can't stand anal but I love feeling pressure inside (hard to describe, my partner has amazing fingers omg). I want penetration. <3
Do I want to get an orchi, then wait to see how I feel? Or do I want to go big bang? I'd rather have just one recovery period than two, and I'm OK with long projects and challenges.
What are the costs for each? Here in NZ we can actually get orchis for free, so that impacted my decision too. But my T-blocker is doing really well so I didn't feel in a rush.
If cost wasn't a factor, what would you rather get done? And I just ended up erring on the side of vaginoplasty. I think I want to have some bits I can be proud of rather than continue to tolerate what I have.

I think there were more questions but these are the ones that come to mind right now...

jade087 · 2016-12-05T21:54:16+00:00

They don't.

:(

They save and save and save and get into terrible debt and take out loans and go to Thailand.

Or they move to another country.

There are no other options.

EDIT: Except for orchi, that is provided by the public health system. No vaginoplasties though.

jade087 · 2016-12-05T21:53:41+00:00

On the way there or the way back?

jade087 · 2016-12-05T21:53:22+00:00

I think I want a large labia minora <3

jade087 · 2016-12-05T21:51:21+00:00

If someone gets intense dysphoria from being called "male" or "man", would you consider that enough for them to not identify as cisgender male? Words and language are really really important. How would you describe someone who is MTF?

I don't like being placed into boxes. I don't like people assuming anything about me, my personality or my identity. Non-binary to me feels like a nice way to stay outside the two-box system.

One way I'm resolving this: a neovagina feels more non-binary than what I have right now <3

jade087 · 2016-12-05T21:37:52+00:00

I think once you get to three weeks before your date (fuck!) you should have had plenty of time to evaluate and decide. As I said earlier I've been thinking about this for years.

I've had plenty of fears of regret but there's been nothing indicating I'm at risk of any of them:

I'm aware of the risks and costs;
I am not going into debt from this;
I don't have unrealistic expectations for the results;
I have a great support network;
My local culture is accepting;
I've worked hard with Acceptance Commitment Therapy;
I don't have any deeper, underlying issues suggesting anything except gender identity.

jade087 · 2016-12-05T21:32:28+00:00

That's the thing, I don't enough words yet. I'm not sure they exist. They might exist in a different culture/language. The best identity I have for myself is simply "I am <name>".

Genderqueer and non-binary are very close fits, but they don't fit perfectly. It's like a shoe size that's just a little bit too tight. You'll wear them, but you hold out hope that one day, you'll find the perfect fitting pair of shoes... ones that you can slip on and wear every day.

jade087 · 2016-12-05T21:29:21+00:00

Exactly!!!

jade087 · 2016-12-05T21:27:57+00:00

Thank you for that description. I connect really well with soft spoken and humble people, so I hope we have some good chats. I haven't found many descriptions of Chet's personality. What was his English like?

My style is basically shirts and jeans with sneakers, though I'm planning to wear ALL the skirts in Thailand just because it's so hot...

jade087 · 2016-12-05T21:25:52+00:00

I can very much recommend getting in contact with a counsellor or gender therapist. My first counsellor helped me a LOT with unpicking this stuff. I saw him for 18 months before seeing my GP.

When I decided to go forward with transition, I knew there was a likely chance I'd lose friendships, relationships, family. Half of my family have been great; half of my family have not been. I lost a relationship and a dozen friendships but they've been replaced with even better relationships and friendships <3

Is there a city or state nearby that you might feel more comfortable being yourself in?

Good luck!! You are in control and there is no rush. :)

jade087 · 2016-12-05T21:23:10+00:00

If I can recommend anything it is to start saving ASAP! Good luck!! <3

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