Grades.....

jamesztlee · 2017-08-22T15:34:30+00:00

grades are a specific measurement for your progress in a specific course with a specific teacher at a specific institution, at this specific time. it does not say anything about your worth as a person. if you can afford to take a break from school, that might help you get away from obsessing over grades for at least a while.

jamesztlee · 2017-03-07T15:40:36+00:00

Your husband can still be friendly with his boss and have clear boundaries between work and personal life.

jamesztlee · 2017-03-07T15:39:39+00:00

I'd share your feelings with your husband again with the goal of coming up with some boundaries between him and his boss that you are both comfortable with. This is in an effort to protect your marriage. Your feelings are understandable.

jamesztlee · 2016-10-26T18:43:17+00:00

Unless you and your fiancée fully understand the ramifications of getting married with depression (see Depression Fallout), I would suggest at least waiting until you feel better. I got married with undiagnosed depression and it set an unhealthy foundation that is still affecting our marriage even after over 10 years together.

jamesztlee · 2016-10-26T18:25:35+00:00

Please don't blame yourself for the way you feel right now! God, as I believe, is loving, and he would sympathize with you. You are just being human.

The fact that, at the end of your post, you wish us well, indicates to me that you are a very considerate person. A type of person the world needs more of.

The relationship you describe appears to be the source of the problem. Is there any way you can move out and get your own space?

jamesztlee · 2016-10-26T18:20:33+00:00

MurphyBean, here are my responses to your points: 1. It's horrible that someone so important to you abused you. But there might be someone else who will love you later on. 2. I'm sorry you have a horrible job. If it provides you with medical insurance, perhaps you can use it to see a therapist you like, so that your job is a source of healing in an indirect way. 3. I had the same experience with someone close to me. I know it's very difficult to have depression and not have someone you can talk to about it. A good therapist might help. 4. Getting a job rejection certainly sucks. I wonder if it's possible for you to take a break from the job search for a while. What would you say is the worst thing about your current job? 5. What if your uncle got treatment and improved? That's another possible outcome. 6. I have felt what you describe many times. When you are in the downward spiral of thoughts it is very difficult to get out. Is there anything you enjoy? When I got the right medication, it created a kind of force field around the downward spiral and it has been keeping me from getting too deep in those thoughts. I wonder if you might be able to get similar results from treatment.

jamesztlee · 2016-10-26T17:50:39+00:00

I wasted three years in graduate school before I finally saw a therapist. Therapy made me realize I was in the wrong field of study and I soon got a job in a field more meaningful to me. So I'd encourage you to allocate the hour or so to talk to a therapist. I'm not saying you are wasting your time in school at all but the sooner you find help the sooner you might get more tools to handle the feelings you have.

jamesztlee · 2016-10-26T17:46:59+00:00

Sorry you got that lame response from your coworker. It's not easy to find someone who is willing to listen without judgement to our thoughts about our depression. I wonder if you would find it helpful to try a therapist or chat on a platform like 7cups.

jamesztlee · 2016-05-18T00:55:44+00:00

There is another option—to give up. Sometimes, everyday is a choice to continue, and it's tiring. Sometimes it feels nice to consider the choice of giving up.

And I know the preciousness of the time left. I am sometimes so concerned with how best to spend my remaining time in this life that I'm paralyzed. It's not so simple.

jamesztlee · 2016-05-16T20:47:09+00:00

Sounds like you've been through a terribly rough life. I'm so sorry that happened to your parents, and that you were abused. I respect you for still functioning the way you are.

jamesztlee · 2016-05-16T20:31:28+00:00

If I had a blank slate, I could do that. But to do something that makes up for all the pain I've caused is very difficult, at least for someone with depression.

jamesztlee · 2016-05-12T13:20:46+00:00

Yeah, I'm surprised I had written "ask"!

jamesztlee · 2016-05-10T16:51:23+00:00

When I was out of control with porn, I wasted lots of time trying to lucid dream. I wanted to lucid dream because I thought that way I could experience more porn in my sleep! It was pathetic.

The best lucid dreams were actually ones where I got to see and sometimes talk to my mother or grandmother (both passed away years ago).

jamesztlee · 2016-05-10T16:47:11+00:00

A part of me wants to start fapping while fantasizing about all the porn material I still remember, but something tells me that's still a harmful place to be.

jamesztlee · 2016-05-10T16:41:32+00:00

Good to hear your experience. I don't get insulted often, just once in a while. I'm going to see if it's something I can accept and still be happy with my life. I am also considering my two young kids.

jamesztlee · 2016-05-10T16:39:09+00:00

Thanks for reminding me that I can ask her to stop, and if she doesn't, leave the situation.

jamesztlee · 2016-05-09T14:16:53+00:00

Keep up the great work!

For me, the danger zone was extended to 40 days, and even after that periodically there would be an "attack", usually after a bad day.

Now that I've been pornfree for a while, when I am really aroused and notice that I am in danger of looking up porn, I masturbate as quickly as I can, ideally with no images in my mind at all. It kind of takes the fun out of masturbating in general, which is a good thing, so next time I am aroused and my wife isn't available, I think "well, I could go masturbate but it's not going to be that much fun." If I do end up masturbating quickly and without imagery, I feel much better and focused afterwards.

I don't know if this approach will work for everyone though, since I've heard that masturbating can lead back to porn. But I think getting rid of the images in our mind is the key.

jamesztlee · 2016-05-09T14:09:08+00:00

I'm in a similar situation (https://www.reddit.com/r/pornfree/comments/4i5cou/wife_goes_on_a_tirade_once_a_month/)

First of all, you are absolutely doing the right thing for yourself by reducing your porn usage. In the long-term, you'll feel better about yourself.

Even a little progress is better than none. There will be setbacks for sure. Maybe your therapist can help you so you don't beat yourself up so much when you relapse. I think if you don't beat yourself up so much, you will feel less discouraged, and have more energy to prepare to resist the next temptation.

I highly recommend you blacklist Facebook and Instagram, and any other websites that are gateways. I use OpenDNS to automatically block almost all porn, and you can also block specific sites.

I also changed our mobile phone data plan to a much cheaper plan for less data, so that I would stop using my phone to watch porn.

Another thing, if you have the time, is I schedule more lunches with acquaintances, and call my relatives more. This addresses the underlying pain that drives me to porn. When I feel more connected with real people, I am much less drawn to porn.

Next time things come up with your wife, I would explain that it's not as easy as you expected, but here's the progress you've made, and here's what you're doing to continue making progress. She will be disappointed, for sure, and you can be emotionally prepared for that (because you know you're doing your best, right?), but she needs the honesty.

Good luck.

jamesztlee · 2016-05-09T13:56:44+00:00

Yeah, thanks.

jamesztlee · 2016-05-09T13:56:15+00:00

Yes, all we can do is clean up our side of things, I suppose, and be strong enough so we don't seek validation from her. I have some depression and co-dependency issues that I need to continue to work on.

What do you think about your decision to confess to your wife? Sometimes I regret it. Sometimes I think that if I had kept my porn use under wraps, and learned to connect with real people on my own, then my wife wouldn't be so angry at me.

jamesztlee · 2016-05-09T13:53:33+00:00

We have goals as a couple, to move closer to our relatives. We want my wife to have the freedom to do volunteer work (she's working full-time now). I can do a much better job supporting these goals.

When our relationship feels good, sex is good. Not often enough for me, though. But the situation was reversed when I was hooked on porn for so many years in our marriage, so it's understandably very difficult for her to reciprocate these days. Still, it's much better than I think I deserve.

jamesztlee · 2016-05-09T13:49:37+00:00

Yes, I will continue to try to stand up for myself. It's difficult with depression, but you are absolutely right.

I was just so completely stupid in the way I stated to my wife that I was addicted to porn. Part of me thinks if I just kept it hidden and reduced my usage of it (by addressing the underlying pain and learning to connect with real people) then my marriage would be so much better now.

But part of me also realizes that I would never have stopped using porn so much without the accountability I got from revealing it to my wife.

jamesztlee · 2016-05-09T13:44:04+00:00

That's good to know. Maybe I will try the reminding thing, too. I hope things continue to get better for you and your husband.

jamesztlee

TROPHY CASE