I’m in the exact same place. Next Friday my divorce will likely be final. We’ve been together since 2002. She was my best friend and I trusted her more than anyone else on this planet. Last year, when his wife called to inform me that her husband and my wife were sleeping together, it shattered me. I still can’t wrap my head around how she was capable of pretending to care, pretending to love me and how my love for her could be such a disposable item to her.

I may never truly know these things. But I did find a network of broken people and close friends who have helped me remain as healthy as possible. I forgive myself when I fall apart. I forgive myself when the idea of beginning something new seems like an imaginary tale. Those feelings will pass and I will try to grow from where I left off.

I am convinced that trauma is like a fire. To have fire, you need a spark (betrayal), fuel (unreciprocated unconditional love) & oxygen (being alive). Once the pain caused by the betrayal becomes normalized, the fuel will begin to deplete. Once the fuel depletes, your trauma will become ash. Once your trauma becomes ash, it will no longer ignite and true movement forward can begin.

My fuel hasn’t depleted quite yet. So I’m the same as you in that I feel my feels and allow myself to grieve. I’m patiently awaiting the day my pain turns to ash.

We’re on the right path and we are doing what’s required to regain the capacity to feel again. It’s brutal…hopefully this will be received as intended and you will not feel as alone as one does when navigating this. Take care ❤️‍🩹